Chapter 8
After her friends had left, Bobby spent some time making herself pretty.
She carefully styled her hair, put on her best dress and applied her make-up.
The news that Flying Officer Ernie King of the Royal Canadian Air Force was back in the village produced a sensation of guilt, and she felt the need to make herself attractive for her husband.
She didn’t know why she should feel guilty. She didn’t even know who the guilt was focused on: Charlie, who had always had a healthy jealousy of her former suitor, or Ernie, for rejecting the proposal he had made seven months ago and leaving him broken-hearted. Perhaps it was both.
It was a foolish guilt. Bobby hadn’t done anything wrong in her dealings with Ernie, other than naively failing to notice that he had developed romantic feelings towards her.
Nor had she done anything to betray Charlie.
Yes, she had briefly considered Ernie’s proposal when she had falsely believed Charlie’s love for her had cooled, but she had never felt anything for the young Canadian beyond warm friendship and respect.
Their entire relationship had consisted of a handful of dances and a kiss, of which Ernie had been the giver and Bobby the startled recipient.
But the affair had caused pain to both men, and she couldn’t help feeling a certain responsibility for that.
Topsy, who had an inkling of Ernie’s partiality for Bobby even if she didn’t know all the details, seemed to think the whole thing was rather a joke.
Something Bobby could use to tease her husband out of a dark mood, arousing his jealousy before reassuring him with kisses that it was unnecessary.
But Bobby wasn’t in a humour for teasing Charlie today.
How would Ernie react when they inevitably bumped into one another?
With a jovial ‘Hey, Slacks’ as before? With sad eyes and sighs?
Perhaps he would ignore her entirely. That would be painful, when he had been a good friend.
Did his feelings for her still linger, or had he moved on to fresher love affairs?
It didn’t give Bobby any pangs of envy to consider the latter. She hoped Ernie had found someone else – someone better suited to him than she had ever been. If he did still carry a torch for her, it could only hurt him to see her regularly now she was a married woman.
About an hour after Bobby’s friends had left, Charlie arrived home from his visit to Gil Capstick. He smiled when he saw his wife’s rouged cheeks and trim floral dress.
‘I didn’t expect to find you so pretty and fragrant,’ he said, putting his stick away so he could take her in his arms. ‘Is this for my benefit?’
She smiled. ‘Who else’s would it be for?’
‘One of your many gentleman admirers, perhaps. I bumped into Ernie King on my walk back.’
Bobby blinked. ‘You saw Ernie?’
‘I did. He offered to buy me a drink at the Hart, but I said I had an important liaison arranged with my wife. Did you know he was back?’
Bobby felt relieved that Charlie knew about Ernie already, and she didn’t need to confess the man’s presence like some guilty secret.
‘Yes, Topsy told me,’ she said. ‘That was the news supposed to turn you into a raging Othello, I think.’
He smiled. ‘And you were looking forward to teasing me about it. Sorry for ruining the fun.’
Bobby hesitated. ‘Did Ernie seem… all right?’
‘As hail-fellow-well-met as he ever was. I suppose the offer of a drink was a peace-making gesture after trying to steal my girl back in the spring. I’d have accepted, but I knew you were waiting for me so we could meet Tony and your sister. I told him I’d be happy to join him another day, though.’
Bobby smiled. ‘That was big of you.’
He shrugged. ‘I won, didn’t I? You’re wearing my ring and carrying my baby. No need to rub the poor chap’s face in it.’
Bobby rewarded him for his magnanimous behaviour with a kiss.
‘I must admit, it’s tempting to tease you if only as revenge for all the flirtations you had going on when I first came to the village,’ she said. ‘But I prefer knowing you trust me.’
‘Completely, Mrs Atherton.’ He released her so he could take off his coat and hat. ‘What’s for tea, love?’
‘Potato pie with at least one chunk of stewed steak per serving. It’s in the oven. How was the bridegroom-to-be?’
‘Still stunned he got a yes, I think,’ Charlie said with a laugh. ‘He thought he’d never get Mabs to look at him twice with all these handsome airmen around.’
‘You’re including yourself in that, of course.’
‘Of course.’ Charlie swapped his boots for slippers and went to sit by the fire. ‘He wants me to be groomsman for him. I said yes, naturally.’
‘I wish Andy had been here to see them marry,’ Bobby said with a sigh. ‘He’d have been so proud.’
Charlie watched her appreciatively as she bent to poke the fire, making the flames dance.
‘You’re very dressed up for the Hart,’ he said.
‘Not for the Hart. I told you, this is for you.’
‘Why for me?’
‘I was worried you’d be jealous when you heard Ernie was back. I wanted to make myself pretty for you.’
‘Then you can come here and sit on my knee. You’re too good to waste, looking like that.’
He pulled her on to his lap and kissed her heartily.
‘We don’t have to go to the pub,’ he whispered when they broke apart. ‘It’s chilly out. Best to stay in and keep warm.’
Bobby smiled. ‘In bed, by any chance?’
‘Best place to warm up.’
‘We can’t, Charlie. Believe me, I’d rather be in bed with you than trying to get Tony out of a sulk, but if I don’t he’ll make work hell for me on Monday.’
He sighed. ‘Oh, all right. I’m really starting to wish we didn’t know quite so many people around here. Did you girls have a nice time gossiping about the menfolk?’
‘I’m sure your egos would love to believe we talk about nothing else,’ Bobby said with a laugh. ‘Actually we had something more interesting to discuss.’
‘Can you tell me?’
‘I think I’m allowed. It’s Jolka and Piotr. They’re expecting another baby.’
‘That’s good news. When?’
‘Five months, the same as Marmaduke. I felt awful that I couldn’t share my news in exchange. I had to assuage the guilt with fruit cake.’ She gave him a kiss. ‘Don’t worry, though, I saved you a slice for after tea.’
‘I hope it won’t be long until we can start telling people. As soon as I’ve found a job, you can give Reggie your notice and start spreading the news.’
Bobby thought about the letter she had found in the bin. The DFC could make a big difference to his employment prospects, she was sure.
‘Charlie?’ she said hesitantly. ‘Can I ask you about something?’
Charlie was engaged in kissing her neck. ‘If you like.’
‘It’s just… I’m sure I’m worrying over nothing as usual, but earlier, in the salvage bin, I found, um, a letter.’ She took a deep breath. ‘From the Air Ministry.’
Charlie stopped kissing her and looked up, his expression wary. ‘What of it?’
‘I wondered why it was torn up, that’s all. You can’t have meant to do it.’
‘Can’t I? Why not?’
‘Well, because it’s the DFC.’
He turned his face away from her. Feeling awkward, Bobby removed herself from his knee.
‘You threw it away on purpose?’ she asked.
‘I told you when I came back from that last op. I’m not interested in some meaningless bloody gong.’
‘But whyever not, Charlie? I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. Climbing out of the plane to put out the fire… that was real heroism. Everyone at Wykeness said so.’
Charlie gave a harsh laugh. ‘Everyone said so, did they? And yet I came so close to being classed LMF when I told them I wouldn’t fly again. Having my commission stripped from me, reduced to the ranks, disgraced. Wasn’t it you who told me there’s a fine line between cowardice and heroism?’
‘That doesn’t make you any less a hero.’ Bobby knelt in front of him and took his hands.
‘It makes you more of one, if anything, because you had to battle your nerves every step of the way to do what you knew was right. I bet there are a tiny fraction of men who would have done what you did that night.’
‘What I knew was right,’ Charlie repeated tonelessly. He extracted his hands from hers and took up his newspaper, then turned to a page he’d folded over and pointed out a story. ‘Look at this.’
Bobby skimmed it. It was only a couple of paragraphs: a report on the success of recent bombing raids over Germany.
There was no mention of specific ops or squadrons: just a lot of statistics about damage to enemy manpower and things. She was struggling to see what might have upset Charlie. It seemed very dry and unemotional to her. There was a single mention of Mannheim, but no other details.
‘I’m not sure what you want me to see,’ she said. ‘Were friends of yours involved in the Mannheim campaign?’
‘It’s just so bloody clinical,’ Charlie said, his face working feverishly.
‘How many “manpower hours” the Germans have lost. How many German civilians have been “dehoused”. You know what that means, right? It means we wiped the poor buggers out. Loss of manpower means loss of men. Dehoused means some residential area’s been reduced to rubble, and its people killed or made into refugees. I did that, Bobby. Me.’
‘Well yes, but it’s war,’ Bobby said helplessly. ‘I know it seems heartless, but if it’ll end this thing faster then it saves more lives in the long run, doesn’t it?’
‘I hope that helps the other boys sleep at night, because it doesn’t me.
’ Charlie took the newspaper and held it in hands that trembled so violently, he could barely keep a grip.
‘Look here. It says that due to the amount of damage the new heavy bombers can inflict, a Lancaster has paid for itself even if it only makes one trip. No mention of the seven men who would have been killed on that one trip, not to mention those on the ground. At the beginning of this war, people in this country wouldn’t have stomached the idea of bombing civilians.
Then the Blitz came, our men started dying in the skies and our people on the ground, and it hardened us.
Made us vengeful. And if you show any sign of giving a damn what happens to those people, you’re scorned as weak or womanish. The RAF can stick their bloody gongs.’
Bobby took the newspaper away and seized the trembling hands. She kissed them softly, looking up into Charlie’s face until the black cloud dissipated. It was replaced by weariness as he sagged in his chair.
‘I do understand,’ Bobby said softly. ‘You’re right to care, and I love you for it. There’s nothing weak about compassion, Charlie.’
He summoned a shaky smile. ‘I’m sorry. I ought to have talked to you about it. I was angry, and I tore the thing up and tried to forget it so we could enjoy our afternoon. But I’ll have to let them know I’m refusing it, I suppose.’ He sighed. ‘Why am I like this, Bobby?’
Bobby went to perch on his knee again, wrapping her arms around his neck. ‘Like what?’
‘Why does it bother me so much?’ He rubbed his eyes.
‘I didn’t meet many airmen who truly hated the enemy when I was in the RAF.
Yes, you’d get the odd one who muttered darkly that the only good German was a dead German – those who’d made it personal.
But for most, it was just the job. They were doing a job when they flew out to drop their bombs, and they recognised that the Luftwaffe men were doing a job when they tried to shoot them down.
They told themselves that there was nothing more important than stopping Hitler, so they put feelings aside and got on with it.
Yet it seemed that no matter how often I told myself the same thing, I couldn’t detach myself the way they could.
’ He hid his face in her shoulder and choked on a sob.
‘I never should have passed the aircrew selection process.’
‘You’re that way because you’re you,’ Bobby said softly. ‘You can’t help feeling because it’s the person you are.’
‘I don’t have a monopoly on feeling, do I? I met a lot of good men in the RAF, but being good men didn’t stop them doing their duty.’
‘Compassion combined with imagination is your curse. You visualise too much, Charlie. You’re right, they never should have passed you as suitable for aircrew.’
‘No.’ He closed his eyes. ‘Still, I loved flying. I was good at it, and I did want to use that to help win this thing. I wish I’d been stronger.’
‘You are strong. It’s just a different kind of strength.’ She stroked his hair. ‘You know that whatever decision you make, I’ll support you. But just remember that they’re not offering you the DFC for killing Germans. They’re offering it to you for saving lives.’
‘Why should I deserve it? Every man who’s still flying deserves it more, because they kept going when I failed.
They’re risking their lives while I’m keeping house like a woman with a discharge certificate that says “wounded in the course of duty” where it should say “cowardice in the face of the enemy”.
I might have saved the men who flew with me on that op, but two others are dead because I made the wrong call on another one. ’
‘I know you feel guilty, Charlie. I know it’s complicated, but you do deserve it.’ She kissed him. ‘But like I said, it’s up to you.’