Chapter 17
Lilian put the baby to bed while Bobby made the tea. They moved the racks of towelling into the bedroom and sat on the settee in front of the fire. It had dwindled to embers now, but Lil didn’t bank it up.
‘We’re on the last of our coke,’ she explained. ‘I don’t want to waste it on myself when the men are out. On parade nights, I usually go to bed with a hot water bottle and my book.’
‘You ought to take care of yourself, Lil. Never mind spending extra money on Tony. It’s you who needs to be getting stronger. Come to me and Charlie if you’re worried about saving fuel, then we can share heat.’
Not that there was anything wrong in Lil’s looks today. Bobby had wondered if the healthful glow she had observed when they bumped into each other in town had been an illusion brought on by the cold, but she was pleased to see that the sparkle in Lil’s eye and pink glow in her cheeks persisted.
‘Don’t worry about me,’ Lilian said. ‘Honestly, I feel much better. I know you think I always say that, but it’s true.’
‘You do look better.’ Bobby hesitated. ‘Is the doctor still recommending that tonic wine?’
‘Oh, I’m off that stuff,’ Lilian said breezily. ‘I don’t believe it was doing me any good. I felt better after a few glasses, but once that wore off I felt worse than before.’
Bobby smiled. ‘I am glad. I hated the thought you might come to depend on it. What made you decide to stop? Did Dr Minchin tell you to?’
‘No.’ Lilian flushed as she bent over the teapot to top up their cups. ‘Actually it was something that happened a week ago. You mustn’t tell Tony though.’
‘What happened?’
Lilian leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. ‘It was a bad day. A very bad day.’
‘Bad in what way?’
‘I just felt so… I don’t know. Life seemed so empty, suddenly.
Annie was colicky and spent the whole day wailing, I’d done nothing but pump water and boil napkins, and I felt guilty that I hadn’t paid a visit to Georgia for days.
My head was aching, my back was sore from pumping, and I couldn’t help thinking how different my life was from the one I used to dream of.
Whenever I thought about Tony coming home, of being in bed with him, I burst into tears.
By three o’clock, I couldn’t cope any more. I just… broke down.’
‘Oh, Lil. Come here.’ Bobby put an arm around her sister and guided her head to her shoulder. ‘So you had a drink?’
‘More than one. Annie was sobbing and I was sobbing, unable to get it under control, half hysterical. I felt like such a fool, but I couldn’t stop.
And I…’ Her cheeks coloured. ‘I’m not proud, but I drank half a bottle in no time at all.
Just to blunt the misery. Just to make it feel like life was something I could deal with. ’
‘Half a bottle! That’s a lot, isn’t it? It’s as strong as sherry.’
‘It was enough to knock me out anyway,’ Lilian murmured.
‘I fell into such a deep sleep that I never fetched Jess and Florrie from school. The poor things must’ve waited for ages before they made their own way home in the dark.
The next thing I knew there was their father, banging on the door worried I was dead in here or something.
Annie was screaming and screaming, but even that hadn’t woken me.
It’s lucky I woke up to his knocks or I’m sure he would’ve broken the door down.
’ She smiled. ‘George quieted the baby right away. She always behaves for him.’
‘Wasn’t he angry you’d put the girls in danger?’
‘You’d have thought so, wouldn’t you? I felt so ashamed when I answered the door. I was sure he’d be able to tell the condition I was in, and he’d…’ Lilian swallowed a small sob. ‘…he’d ban me from having anything to do with him or his daughters ever again.’
‘Oh, Lil.’ Bobby stroked her hair. ‘What did he say?’
‘Well, I was right. He knew I’d been drinking.’
‘He was shocked, I suppose.’
‘That’s just it. He wasn’t at all. I was certain he’d think I was in that state all the time, around his girls as well, and despise me as a lush.
But he didn’t.’ Lilian gave a damp laugh.
‘He was just… kind. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to deserve that man’s kindness.
He sat me down and made me tea as if I was a poorly child, looked around at those foul napkins I’d boiled and boiled until I wanted to hurl every damn square of towelling into the fire, and told me he understood. ’
‘Did he really?’
‘He did,’ Lilian said quietly. ‘And it wasn’t just words, Bob. He really did understand. He told me he’d almost fallen into the same trap after his wife died, but having two little girls who needed him had pulled him back from the brink.’
‘Gosh,’ Bobby said, blinking. ‘I’d never have imagined that. He’s always so calm and stoical.’
‘Of course then it all came pouring out. How empty and pointless my days felt. How different my life looked to the one I’d dreamt of, and how it was my own stupid fault for letting Tony persuade me to go to bed with him.
And I told him…’ She hid her face in her hands.
‘Oh God, I wish I hadn’t. I never would have if I hadn’t drunk that dreadful tonic wine.
I told him how hard I found it to feel the way a wife ought to about her husband.
How lonely I was. And how guilty I felt knowing Tony had feelings for me I was unable to return.
’ She rubbed her tear-stained face and looked up. ‘That was wrong, wasn’t it?’
‘I… don’t know,’ Bobby said, rather stunned. ‘I understand why you needed someone to talk to, but I wish you’d come to me, or to Mary. These aren’t the sort of confidences it’s wise to share with a man. It could sound like… well, like an invitation.’
‘I don’t suppose I’d have talked to anyone, if George hadn’t turned up at that moment.
I needed someone so badly, and he just happened to be here.
And thank God he was, or I can’t honestly say there might not have been another binge the next time I was at the end of my tether.
’ She gave a bleak laugh. ‘I must be more like Dad than I thought.’
‘You mustn’t let it, Lil,’ Bobby said earnestly. ‘Come to me if you feel that way. Let me help you.’
‘Oh, it won’t happen again. By the time George left I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself, although he’d never said a word that wasn’t kind and understanding. But he showed me the error of my ways in his gentle fashion.’
‘Was he shocked when you told him why you married Tony?’
‘No.’ Lilian sighed. ‘No, I don’t think so, although he had every reason by then to want to run away from this fast dipsomaniac he’d made the mistake of trusting with his daughters.
He never said a word about it after I’d sobbed the whole miserable tale out on his shoulder.
But he did talk earnestly about the dangers of drowning my sorrows.
He asked how I’d feel if Annie needed me, and I’d incapacitated myself to such an extent that I couldn’t care for her.
That was what brought home how foolish and selfish I’d been.
As soon as he’d gone, I locked the remainder of the wine away, gave Annie a big cuddle and vowed I wouldn’t touch the stuff except in sickness. ’
‘That doesn’t change the feeling that caused it though,’ Bobby said gently.
‘No.’ Lilian was quiet for a moment. ‘No. But I need to find another way to cope. If I put Annie in danger, I’d never forgive myself.
’ She smiled. ‘She’s one of the few things in my life that brings me moments of true joy.
I married Tony for her, and when I look into her face, I feel that in spite of everything, it was worth it. ’
‘Did the captain say anything else?’
‘Only that he’d always be there to listen if I needed someone, even after his marriage. He really is a very kind man.’
‘His marriage!’ Bobby said, blinking. ‘Is it definitely happening then?’
‘I don’t think he’s asked the question yet, but he doesn’t seem in any doubt that the answer will be yes when he does.’ Lilian sighed. ‘The girls will be upset, I suppose. They haven’t taken to her much.’
Bobby looked into her sister’s eyes. ‘And how will you feel about it?’
Lilian shrugged. ‘I’ll miss picking them up from school. We have some fun times here in the afternoons. But I suppose Veronica will give up work once they’re married, and their care will fall to her.’
‘I didn’t mean on the girls’ account.’
‘Then what did you mean?’
Bobby hesitated, sipping her tea. Lilian looked genuinely puzzled.
‘Lil, who is Georgia named after?’ Bobby asked eventually.
‘After him, of course. George Parry. I told you that, didn’t I?’
‘No. I thought you named her after Grandad Goggin. What made you think of naming her after him?’
‘He saved my life, didn’t he? I thought that was something worth commemorating.’
‘Tony doesn’t know, I suppose?’
‘I’ve never mentioned it, but I thought everyone must realise that was where it came from.’
‘And when I saw you and George in Settle, had you really just bumped into each other?’
‘Well, yes,’ Lilian said, blinking.
‘What were you talking about? You looked very earnest.’
‘He was asking my advice on the sort of engagement ring Miss Simpson would like. He was going to look at some this weekend.’ Lilian frowned. ‘What are you hinting at, Bob? This is as bad as the interrogations I used to get from Dad when a boyfriend brought me back late from the dance hall.’
Bobby sighed. ‘Well, come on. I mean, Georgia’s name, the fur coat, those intimate little gifts like knicker elastic and stockings, and then there’s all the time you’ve been spending with him and his children.
You must realise that to the casual observer, that looks a certain way.
And when I know you’re not in love with your husband… I mean, what was I supposed to think?’
Lilian laughed. ‘You don’t really think I’d have an affair? Was this before or after I’d swigged the twelve bottles of whisky from the cupboard? Your faith in me is stupendous, little sister.’