Chapter 17 #2
‘I didn’t say I thought you’d have an affair,’ Bobby said. ‘But feelings aren’t so straightforward, are they? I never thought you’d be foolish enough to go to bed with him, but I was worried you might be… starting to think too well of him.’
‘I do think well of him,’ Lilian said, with a little smile. ‘I like his company and conversation. The thought of seeing him when I take the girls home is a bright spot in my day. But there’s nothing more to it than friendship, I promise.’
‘What about Tony?’
‘He’s jealous, naturally, but that’s just Tony.
He knows George would never think of me that way.
Actually, Tony’s seemed a lot happier about me minding the girls since George started walking out with Veronica Simpson.
I think he was mostly worried people would gossip, and that hurt his pride.
If he really thought George was after me, he’d have thumped him long ago. ’
‘I meant, what about you and Tony?’ Bobby took her hand and gave it a gentle press. ‘I worry about you, Lil. I know you two aren’t happy. When I see you getting close to the captain, it isn’t that I think you’d do anything wrong. I’m more concerned that you’re setting yourself up to get hurt.’
‘I made my bed the day I let Tony talk me into his,’ Lil said in a toneless voice.
‘I married him for the baby’s sake, but that doesn’t mean I’ve got anything to complain of.
He provides us with a home and food, even if money’s not so plentiful as we might like.
He takes care of me, he’s faithful, he never raises a hand to me in anger and in his own way, he loves me.
You say we aren’t happy, but we’re not unhappy either.
We just… muddle along, like thousands of husbands and wives who find once the honeymoon’s over that they don’t really suit. ’
‘But you don’t love him.’
‘No.’ Lilian gazed into what was left of the fire.
‘I wish we had more in common. I wish he understood all the thousands of things I want to be able to talk to him about. I wish… I wish I could admire him more. And it’s silly, but I can’t help harbouring a little resentment – I mean about the way we were forced into marriage.
I’ve really got no right, when it’s my fault as much as his.
If anything, I ought to be grateful that he stepped up when he could easily have walked away. ’
‘Huh,’ Bobby muttered. ‘Well, let’s not take things too far.
’ Although she and Tony had since made their peace, Bobby was holding on to her own resentment over the way her sister had been pushed into marriage.
She hadn’t forgotten how the relationship began, with Tony practically blackmailing Lilian into a date in exchange for suppressing a Courier article about their father’s black-market activities with Pete Dixon.
‘You and Charlie seem to suit each other so well that I can’t help being a little jealous,’ Lilian confessed.
‘But Tony’s a doting father, and a good husband in his fashion.
I do try to love him. I don’t know why I can’t.
It almost feels like I don’t have the energy.
I’ve felt so utterly wrung out since I became a wife that there’s nothing of me left for Tony. ’
‘That’s understandable, when you’ve been ill.’
‘Have I? There’s nothing physically wrong with me.
There never was, Dr Minchin says, other than the usual toll giving birth to two babies takes on the body.
’ She swallowed a sob. ‘I just feel so very, very tired. Tired of the effort it takes to get through every day. Tired of trying to understand Tony, and trying to make him understand me. Tired of life.’
Bobby reached out to embrace her. ‘Oh, love. Please don’t say that.’
‘Tired of my life, I mean,’ Lilian said softly, returning the hug.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not getting into that state Dad was in.
But there seems so little joy in each day, just hard work and aching limbs, and at the end of it a husband I struggle to relate to on any level.
Even when he makes love to me I feel numb, just desperate for it to be over so I can sleep.
’ She glanced up. ‘It isn’t like that for you and Charlie, I suppose. ’
Bobby thought of her husband, and how it felt when he held her in bed. She couldn’t imagine ever feeling numb in Charlie’s arms. It sounded so unutterably bleak and cold.
‘No,’ she said quietly. ‘No, it isn’t like that at all.’
‘And I have to admit that George Parry has been a little spot of colour in each grey day,’ Lilian went on. ‘But I know he can never be more than that. I threw my lot in with Tony Scott, for better and for worse, and that’s that. I’m not going to do anything silly, Bob, I promise.’
‘I’m sure things could be better for you and Tony if you worked harder at it. He loves you, which is halfway to a strong marriage.’
‘I try to be a good wife. I think he’s been happier the past fortnight, since I stopped taking tonic wine. It did tend to make me irritable with him.’
‘I mean be a lover as well as a wife. You two never really had a courting period, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have one now.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘You looked so pretty today, Lil, in your fur coat and that hat, but at home I never see you in anything except a housecoat and curlers. Perhaps you could dress up for Tony once in a while – I mean, not in the fur coat, obviously, but you’ve got other nice things.’
Lil gave a weak smile. ‘I was only wearing my best hat to hide the fact that it’s over a month since I was able to afford a shampoo and set.’
‘Here.’ Bobby took out her purse and held out half a crown. ‘Take this into Settle and get your hair done. My treat.’
‘I can’t take that. You’re even more hard up than we are. At least we’ve got Dad contributing to the housekeeping.’
‘But we haven’t got a baby to provide for – not yet, at least.’ Bobby pressed the coin into her sister’s hand.
‘Take it, please. I had a little windfall earlier in the week – never mind what from, I’ll tell you another time.
I’ve bought Charlie some nice things for when he comes home, but I’d like to treat my sister too.
I know you’ll never be able to justify using your own money. ’
Still Lilian hesitated. ‘Are you sure? You’ll have plenty of baby things to buy soon enough.’
‘I know,’ Bobby said with a sigh. ‘But this is bonus money, and I’ve made up my mind to spend it making the people I love happy. Make yourself pretty and go dancing with Tony. I’ll look after Annie.’ She rested a hand on her swollen stomach. ‘I need the practice.’
‘It feels like such an effort to be pretty when I’m practically hunchbacked after hours of pumping water, with my hands chapped all over from boiling napkins.
’ Lil put the half-crown away. ‘But you’re right, I ought to do more to please him.
After all, what’s the alternative? I’m married to Tony and I have to make the best of that. ’
Yet Lilian sounded more resigned to her fate than eager to improve her lot. Bobby wished there was more she could do.
‘If Dad moves out, that ought to help,’ she said. ‘I’ll speak to Charlie about clearing his equipment out too. Then you can have that room for storage and Dad’s old room for a nursery.’ Bobby held her sister back to look into her tear-stained face. ‘Things will get better, Lil. I promise.’