Chapter 29 #2
‘Only because I have to. Because I don’t want my kid to find out his dad was a deserter.
Don’t see how that that makes me less of a coward.
’ He put his neglected cigarette out in the ashtray before it burned his fingers.
‘I’ll probably wind up like Dad, screaming like a bairn and shaking all the time. ’
‘You think Dad’s the only man from the last war who ended up that way?
The only man from this war?’ Bobby demanded.
‘That’s what happens to someone when they’ve been dragged to hell and back, Jake.
Any good, modern doctor will tell you it’s the sign of being pushed to the limit of what the human mind can stand, not cowardice.
’ Bobby paused, wondering whether she ought to talk about this without her husband’s permission, then decided Jake’s need was greater.
She knew her brother admired Charlie, and it might help the boy to understand.
‘You’ve noticed Charlie’s hand shaking when he smokes, I suppose. ’
‘That’s because his arm was burnt when his plane caught fire.’ He frowned. ‘It is, isn’t it?’
‘Not only that,’ Bobby said quietly. ‘He has… the doctor calls them attacks. Nervous attacks, like Dad has after a bad dream.’
Jake stared at her. ‘But Charlie climbed out of his plane to put the fire out and saved those other men. That’s what you told me.’
‘He did, and the fact he was afraid doesn’t make him any less of a hero for it.
If anything, it makes him more of one.’ Bobby rested a hand on her belly.
‘I hope our baby will always understand how brave his father was, no matter how Charlie might shake or cry in his sleep.’ Something occurred to her.
‘Hang on. There’s something I want to show you. ’
She tiptoed to the bedroom, where Charlie still slept soundly. Quietly she took her dad’s Military Medal from a drawer, then carried it back to Jake in the parlour.
‘Here,’ she said when she was again sitting by him, opening the newspaper the medal was folded in. ‘Look at this.’
‘What is it?’
‘Take it to the fire and see.’
Jake did so, blinking at it in the red glow.
‘It’s a medal,’ he said. ‘Is it Charlie’s?’
‘No, it isn’t Charlie’s. And it’s not just any medal, it’s the Military Medal. They were awarded in the last war to soldiers who’d carried out acts of gallantry under fire. A very great honour, and one of the rarest decorations there were.’
‘Well, whose is it then?’
‘It’s Dad’s. He was awarded it for saving the lives of three men at the Somme, even though he was bleeding heavily from a shoulder wound that could have killed him. I’d never have known about it if Mam hadn’t told me on her deathbed – at least, not until he gave it me a few weeks ago.’
Jake stared at the medal with something like reverence. ‘This is really Dad’s?’
‘It is. Turn it around and see what it says.’
Jake did so. ‘For bravery in the field,’ he murmured, reading the inscription.
‘That’s right. He’s a hero, Jake.’ Bobby stood up to put a hand on his shoulder. ‘And so are you,’ she said quietly.
‘How come he never told us he’d got a medal?’
‘He lost a lot of friends in that battle, in quite horrible ways – the way you lost your friend Terry, but many times over. All his medal does is remind him of living through hell, and the men he knew who never came home. It’s hardly surprising he didn’t want to think about it.’
‘But he gave it you, didn’t he?’
‘To look after on behalf of us all, yes. I think his new wife might have helped him make his peace with it, but the main reason was for the sake of his grandchildren. So that when he’s gone, they’ll have this to show them their grandad was a brave man.’
‘And he kept it secret all this time,’ Jake said wonderingly. ‘Why’d he take it if he didn’t want it? I guess he had a choice.’
‘I’m not sure he understood himself until recently.
He came to the conclusion that it was never for his own sake, because how he felt wouldn’t matter once he was gone.
It was for the sake of those who came after.
’ She smiled. ‘That includes your baby too. And I’m sure he’ll be just as proud of his dad as he is of his grandad. ’
‘Wish I’d seen this before,’ Jake murmured. ‘Wish I’d seen it when I was a kid.’
‘I wish you had too. But Dad was always a brave man, Jake. It doesn’t need a decoration to make that true.
’ She pressed his shoulder. ‘It just needs us to understand that there’s a difference between fear and cowardice.
Even the bravest man’s nerves will break after he’s been through horrors.
That’s not weak or womanish or shameful.
It’s natural, and it’s more common than you know. ’
Jake summoned a shaky smile. ‘Reckon I ought to know that, after the stuff I’ve seen.’
‘You’ll stay for dinner, won’t you? Take Kathleen to meet Dad?’
‘All right.’ He gave the medal a last lingering glance before handing it back to her. ‘I guess Kath’d like that. And… I’d like to see Dad.’
‘Good lad,’ Bobby said with a smile. ‘Now go back to sleep. You’re getting married tomorrow.’