Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
The ride back to my dorm is so uncomfortable, given everything that has transpired in the last half hour or so.
Elliot is driving again, with Sebastian in the front passenger seat, since they both sat next to me on the sofa for the little bit of their nerdy space show we watched.
So I’m squeezed between Lukas and Felix again.
Technically it’s fair, but I’m wondering if they’ve ever taken into consideration the time length of their switching.
We only got through part of one episode of their show, and the drives from the party to their house and their house to my dorm add up to at least twice that.
That means Lukas and Felix are sitting next to me longer than Sebastian and Elliot, and I’m surprised they’re okay with that, given how focused they are on fairness.
Maybe they’re thinking it’ll even out in the long run, or that trying to keep track of the amount of time each of them gets to sit with me is too much of a hassle.
Though I suspect that type of math is as simple for them as counting to two is for me.
If they’ve thought through something as small as the rotation of sitting by me, I have to assume they’ve also fully discussed their offer to help me check things off on my sexual to-do list, although I do wonder how, given the short amount of time there was between them finding the list and me finding them with it.
But they do seem able to have entire conversations silently and in a manner of seconds, so probably they just used that mind-meld power to decide while they were reading over the list before I came back from my call with Ronnie.
I also wonder if they’ll truly be able to compartmentalize and separate their supposed desire to date me from their offer to help me with the list. I’ve told them I don’t want a relationship, and while I want to trust that they’ll respect that and be able to keep this whole sex-list thing strictly that, I can’t help but be skeptical.
Especially because I don’t know that I can trust myself to keep from developing feelings for them once we start.
I’ve always been worried about my ability to separate sex and emotions, and seeing how obsessed my mother is with my father, I haven’t even tried, just in case I’m not able to compartmentalize.
I suppose I can’t keep that up forever, though, and perhaps now is the time to test myself. These would be the perfect men for such a trial. I’ll probably never have a similar chance.
I note how Elliot’s fingers wrap confidently around the steering wheel.
If they can manipulate a cube so well, they must be able to do other things with their fingers too.
The thought makes me blush, unable to stop my brain from imagining the possible ways in which we could explore their dexterity.
Ronnie has told me before about her first time and how awkward it was, but somehow, I don’t feel like I’d have that problem with these guys.
They’re goal-oriented, focused, and competitive. Surely that will work in my favor.
Felix’s hand brushes against my thigh. Was that intentional? I look up at him, and his eyes are on me. Focused. Assessing. Analyzing.
Silently, Elliot pulls into a parking spot just outside my dorm and we all sit in the stillness for a moment. I can practically feel the guys’ hesitation to open the car doors and say goodnight. I completely understand. Once we step outside of this car, am I going to see them again?
The very idea makes my lungs constrict. I’m not sure that any of us is going to be able to navigate a strictly platonic, non-sexual relationship with one another, so it seems like saying goodbye forever and letting them teach me about sex are my only two options.
Finally, Lukas eases open the door and steps out of the car. I slide with him across the back seat, and Felix scootches across as well to exit through the same door even though it would have been much easier to get out on his own side.
The four of them walk me to the front door of my dorm. It’s a tight squeeze to walk three abreast on the sidewalk, but their shoulders pressed against mine help to stave off the January cold.
We pause in front of the door, and I dig in my purse for my key card that will let me into the building. I don’t immediately swipe it and rush inside, though. It feels like if I let them walk away without an answer, I’ll be letting them leave for good.
Another girl from my dorm comes up and slides past us.
She raises her eyebrows at me like she’s not sure if she should intervene or not, so I give her a smile to let her know I’m safe.
There’s a lot I don’t know right now in life, but I do know that these guys will not hurt me. Not intentionally at least.
As soon as she disappears inside and out of sight, Felix asks, “It’s probably too soon to ask, but have you made your decision yet?”
I sigh. “I’m still thinking about it.” I’m going to have to pull out some paper and list the potential benefits and problems of this whole thing as soon as I get upstairs.
“But you haven’t ruled out saying yes, right?” asks Sebastian.
“I’m going to give it fair consideration, if that’s what you’re worried about,” I assure him.
“In that case, can we kiss you goodnight?” asks Felix.
I should say no. I should tell them that until I decide, there will be none of that. I should swipe my key card and go inside and forget any of this ever happened.
“On the lips, if that would be okay,” says Elliot, jumping in before I can say anything.
“That would give you an idea of what you could expect,” agrees Felix.
“Don’t push her,” counters Lukas.
I’m probably going to regret this, and it certainly isn’t going to help me make an unbiased decision, but I find myself agreeing.
All night, every brush of their hands or press of their legs against mine has made me buzz with desire, and at this point my body is begging for some sort of release.
I’m not even aware I’m going to say yes until the words are already leaving my lips.
“Okay, but this is not a promise that I will say yes to the overall proposal.”
Sebastian immediately steps forward, lifts my chin with his knuckles, and kisses me, hard, full on the mouth. When he pulls back, my lips want to follow him but when I open my eyes, he’s grinning as if he knows he’s leaving me wanting more.
As Sebastian steps back, Lukas slides right into the place he vacated and sweetly tucks my hair behind my ear before leaning in to brush a soft kiss across my lips.
It’s teasing in a completely different way from Sebastian’s kiss, and once again I can’t help but lean in, trying to chase Lukas’s lips as he too steps away.
I’m pretty sure they’re trying to show me what I could have, if only I agree to their terms. And, heaven help me, it’s working.
Felix steps forward, his hand sliding around the back of my neck to angle my face up to him as he pulls me in. I can tell he’s holding himself back as he presses his lips to mine, and I wonder what it would look like if he didn’t restrain himself. A thrill runs through me at the thought.
By the time Elliot has teased a kiss over my lips, I’m lightheaded.
If I were a weaker woman, I’d fling myself right into their arms and declare their proposal accepted.
But I’m still aware that we’re in public and another student could walk by again at any moment.
And more importantly, I need to make my decision with a clear head.
“Good night,” I choke out, swiping my card through the reader and practically fleeing inside.
I race through the lounge, ignoring the girl who walked past us outside.
Has she been sitting in here waiting for me?
She is clearly trying to get my attention, but I pretend I don’t see or hear her.
I recognize that it’s sweet that she wanted to make sure I’m safe, but I don’t know her, and I don’t want to be around anyone right now.
As soon as I reach my dorm room, I fling myself down on my bed and toe off my shoes, glad that Ronnie isn’t here. While I could easily ignore the stranger downstairs, Ronnie would make it her duty to force me to divulge exactly what just happened. Even if I’m not fully sure myself.
If I were the type of girl who dated, they would be the ideal guys. They’re ambitious, dedicated, goal-oriented. And they’re obviously smart since they’re all studying mathematics at freaking MIT.
But even if they are the perfect guys on paper, that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t distract me from my own goals, or end up hurting me in the long run.
My dad didn’t always take advantage of my mom’s love for him.
There used to be a give and take to their relationship.
Now, however, her entire life revolves around him, and he barely gives her the time of day.
Something scratches against my leg, and I look down to see the list poking out of my purse.
I pull it out and smooth it open, looking over the list of sexual activities freshman me wanted to have completed by graduation.
Or at least, freshman me thought she was supposed to complete them.
Even at the time, I didn’t really intend to actually do anything with the list. It’s not even an exciting list. It’s pretty basic, things that I’d assumed just about everyone will have done before they graduate college.
Things like giving and receiving oral sex, sixty-nining, vaginal sex, and maybe, if I’m brave enough, try out a toy or two. I couldn’t think of anything super kinky to add because my experience is so embarrassingly limited.
If the way they kissed me is any indication, I bet the speedcubers would have a few ideas of things I should experience.
There’s a sharp peal of laughter from down the hall, pulling my attention away from my handwritten list. Even though it’s late at night, other girls are up and having fun with friends, enjoying their college experience, and probably there are at least a handful of couples having sex in this building right now.
And yet here I am alone in my dorm room, just me and my stupid list of stupid boring sex things I still haven’t tried despite being halfway through my sophomore year.
I’m so far behind my peers on this, and I hate feeling like I’m behind the curve.
I feel that way when I go to parties with Ronnie and don’t know how to just have fun like everyone else.
I feel that way at work when Brad tells me to refill the coffee creamer instead of actually teaching me what I need to do to be a reporter.
And now I’m feeling it when I think about all the sex everyone else is having without me.
Yet again, I’m being left behind. But at least this is something I have some control over.
Reaching for my phone, I open up the message I sent myself from Lukas’s phone earlier, still feeling the whispers of the guys’ kisses on my lips.
Okay, I text. I’ll do it. You all can help me check off items on my list.
Dots immediately appear, then disappear, then appear again.
As I watch Lukas try to figure out how to respond, I feel confident in my decision.
I’ll check off the items on my sad little list and go into life after college with at least some semblance of experience under my belt so that when I am ready for an actual relationship, I’ll have some idea what I’m doing.
And maybe I can use this to my advantage even further, too.
Finally, a new group chat pops up with Lukas and three unfamiliar numbers.
You won’t regret this decision – Felix.
It’s cute that he signs the text so I know who it’s from, since they know I don’t have all their numbers saved.
Will you send us a photo too? You never did give us an answer about that, and fair is fair – Sebastian.
He’s right. And at least if I send them a photo, it will balance out the stalker-y feeling I’ve had, staring at their faces all week.
I scroll through my camera roll, trying to find a picture that’s decent enough to send them.
I finally decide on a selfie Ronnie took of the two of us on my camera.
I’m more in the background of it, but it’s not a bad picture.
I crop it so I’m the main subject of the picture, then send it to them.
They respond with a group photo of all of them, with a message saying, You have two photos of us now. You should even things out.
I giggle at that. This could become a truly ridiculous game if I choose to let it, and the idea isn’t unappealing. That’s a tomorrow problem, I tell them, and set the phone down to get ready for bed.
Once I’m in pajamas and snuggled under the covers, I allow myself to imagine what, exactly, this thing I’ve agreed to will look like. Group sex? Or will they pass me from one of their beds to the next? Will they all watch, or will it be totally one-on-one? Will they touch each other, or only me?
No. I shake my head, shutting my own thoughts down.
I will not lie here thinking about four guys running a train on me.
I haven’t even had sex with one guy, I have zero business thinking about having sex with four at once.
Or four in succession. I promised myself that I would not let boys distract me from my studies and my work.
Having sex with four different men would be way more of a distraction than I could ever have imagined.