Chapter 13 Kendra
THIRTEEN
kendra
Fuck Tucker Milligan. Fuck him for interrupting my peace, fuck him for taking one of my favorite parts of my career and destroying it.
Fuck him for the hell he put me through when we dated, and fuck him for the torture he inflicted when I left him.
And fuck myself, I was the one who trusted the bastard. That was the worst part of it; he duped me. How many nights had I lectured my sisters about getting involved with the wrong men? His magnetic charm sucked me in, and I ate it up.
How many more women had he tormented or destroyed?
Do not go there. It’s not your responsibility.
I repeated the mantra my therapist had helped me craft. I was not responsible for Tucker Milligan’s actions. But goddammit, why did he have to sign with this team?
I wrote and deleted several texts to Hawk. I knew in my bones that if I told him why, he would withdraw from the negotiation. But why did it have to be up to me to stop it?
Me: Sorry for the late response. It looks like a solid infield, but I have a bad feeling about Milligan.
Hawk: Can you talk?
Me: Yeah.
I left the wedding shortly after Kylie and Luc disappeared and had ended up poolside. I couldn’t listen to my sister having sex.
“Hey, Merry Christmas.” Hawk’s voice was gruff, and I wished I could see him.
“Merry Christmas to you, too. Looks like your gift was a whole bunch of contracts.”
“Not signed yet. But by tomorrow, we’ll be making announcements. Can you explain to me exactly why you have a bad feeling about Milligan?”
I sighed. “I mentioned I went to school with him. I omitted that we dated. He’s a dick. Plain and simple. And I’m not exactly thrilled that I would now need to cheer him on.”
I attempted a laugh, but it sounded strained even to my own ears.
Hawk didn’t say anything for a bit, and the silence was deafening.
“Did he ever hurt you?”
My lie was immediate. “No, never.”
“We sign more than a few assholes. Is that your only concern?”
“Yeah.”
Lies. Lies. Lies.
Aware that this lie would lead to a signed contract for someone who might be a liability for the team, I spoke it anyway.
You are not responsible for Tucker Milligan’s actions. Who knows, maybe he’s changed? Maybe he was right? Maybe it was my fault he did what he did?
“My sister came out today at dinner.”
“Like out out?”
“Yes, she introduced us to her girlfriend.”
“Good for her. Everyone was supportive?”
“Yes. My grandmother had been one of the most outspoken proponents for gay marriage before it became legal in Massachusetts. I never understood why Colby thought it wouldn’t be okay.”
“Kylie is bisexual. She’s with Luc now. My dad is supportive, but he doesn’t fully grasp the concept. But it sounds like it’s less about her comfort in her sexuality and more about her ability to commit.”
“That’s it in a nutshell. Colby is in love with falling in love. She prefers to leave before she gets left.”
“And what about you? When was the last time you were in a serious relationship?”
“Serious relationship?”
“Oh man, are you the male version of your sister?”
“Nah, I’ve never been in love. Usually by the third date, I realize that they’re only with me because I have money. I dated a woman for years, she had long term plans that didn’t match mine. But again, she liked the concept of our relationship more than she liked me.”
God, it was strange listening to him talk so freely about money.
I had grown up around people who never spoke about salaries or what they had.
Rich people were open about investments, assets, and liabilities.
I couldn’t figure out what I preferred. I recognized that in the corporate world, women were often kept in the dark about what their male counterparts made, for the sole purpose of preventing them from asking for more.
“So, you never know if someone likes you, or your bank account.”
“Bingo.”
“So, you have casual sex instead?”
Whelp, if there was a line, I just crossed it.
“Not in a long time.”
Why did that make me happy? Why did his sex life matter to me?
“That’s a surprise.”
“Well, when a one-night stand claims that you’re the father of her child, it makes you realize that casual sex has too many consequences.”
“Did she lie?”
“No. I think she had hoped it was me. But there was nothing underhanded. It made me realize I didn’t want to risk having kids with someone I couldn’t see myself spending my life with.”
“A vow of celibacy?”
He laughed. “Why does everyone think intercourse is the only option?”
“Well, Connor was very vocal about how much he liked blowjobs.”
“Every man loves blowjobs, but no man has a right to expect one. I’m sure Connor wouldn’t know how to find your clitoris either.”
“Connor probably couldn’t even pronounce it. But what’s your point? Would you be able to find it?”
Oh God. Oh God. Why was he so quiet? Another line crossed.
“Not only would I find it within seconds, I’d have you screaming my name in less than a minute.”
I dropped my phone and fumbled to pick it up.
“Are you okay over there? Did I cross a line?”
“I think we both did.”
“I guess the question is, Kenny, do we redraw the line? Or do we let it burn?”
The answer would be easy if Hawk were anyone other than my boss.
“I don’t want to be known as someone who slept her way to a promotion. And right now, that would be hard to dispute. But yes, Hawk. I’m attracted to you.”
“Same, Kenny. Though I think I made that more than obvious. What do we do about it?”
I really liked that he was always looking for my input. If I said I needed space, he’d give it.
“I think right now both our working relationship and our friendship are the most important.”
“I agree to a point. I don’t think I’m going to get less attracted to you the more time we spend together,” Hawk said.
He had a point. If anything, I only wanted him more.
“So, we keep it as friends for now? And revisit it later?”
He sighed. “On one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“Please don’t make me watch you go on shitty dates with freaky randos.”
I laughed. “They didn’t fly their freak flag right away.”
“That’s not what I’m saying. We don’t bring anyone into the mix until we decide what’s going on between us.”
“So we’re exclusively non-dating friends.”
“It’s like what my younger cousin calls ‘talking.’”
I laughed. “I used to think that was weird. But I guess we’re weird.”
“Nah. We just have too much at stake to jump into anything hastily.”
“Agreed.”
“How was the ceremony?”
“It was beautiful. They both deserve to be happy. Hold on.”
I sent him a picture of me and Crew dancing at the reception.
“He’s fricking adorable.”
“He is. You know what one of my biggest regrets in the world is?” I pulled my legs in and hugged them into my chest, wrapping one arm around them and resting my head to the side as I held the phone to my other ear. God, he pulled all sorts of confessions from me.
“What?”
“I tried to get Kelsey to abort him. And when she didn’t, I let our relationship fall apart while she struggled for the first few months after he was born. I couldn’t separate what would have been right for me from what was right for her.”
The resulting silence pushed a stab of fear into my heart. Would he hate me as much as I hated myself? As much as I deserved to be hated?
“Have you ever had an abortion?”
“No, but only because I miscarried first. I told my sisters I did.”
“Ah, seems like you hide a lot from them.”
And for some reason, I felt like I could confide in Hawk. “I always feel like I need to be perfect. Even when I fuck up, I try to make it seem like I’m in control.”
“None of us are in control.”
I groaned because Hawk commanded a room. He never seemed uncomfortable; he was always in control.
“Funny, coming from you.”
“We all have masks we wear. But I guess what I’m trying to say to you is you don’t need to wear yours in front of me.”
I yawned and let out a sigh.
“Where are you now?”
“Well, I’m out by the pool. Kylie and Luc were a little too loud for my comfort. And everyone else is still at the reception.”
“What are you wearing?”
“Is that the stage we’re at? What are you wearing?”
“Uh-huh. Answer me, or else I’m sending you a video chat.”
“Bikini.”
And my phone vibrated in my hand almost instantly as Hawk changed the call to video.
When his face popped up on the screen, I felt my smile erupt.
“I thought you said or else?”
“You said bikini. Now show me.”
His expression was hard to decipher. Was that hunger?
“Can you even see me in the dark?”
“Yes, but not very well. Can you move so the light is behind the camera and in front of you?”
“I feel ridiculous, Hawk.”
“Say that again.”
“Um, I feel ridiculous?”
“No. Say my name.”
Fuck me. I could tell the moment he saw me.
“Hawk.”
His eyes squeezed shut as I whispered his name.
“You could end me, Kendra.”
“Hawk?”
“Yeah?”
“How come I can only see your face? What are you wearing?”
“Nothing. Kendra. How much do you want to see?”
“All of it.”
I licked my lips and waited. The lighting wasn’t the best, but he turned the phone and let the camera wander down the expanse of his torso.
“Um, stop blocking the money shot with your arm, buddy.”
“This arm?” He waved his arm in the camera. “Or the one holding my phone.”
“No, Hawk. That cannot be what I think it is.”
“Um—”
“No, that’s unfair to the poor men out there. Rich boys should not be blessed with money and big dicks.”
And when he grasped it in his hand, I yelped.
“Oh, my God. You need to stop.”
He immediately turned the camera so I could see his face again.
“I’m sorry, Ken. That was out of line.”
I sighed. “I might have encouraged you.”
And I wanted to watch. I wanted to see more. Fuck. He’s your boss, Kendra!
“I think we should go to bed.”
I agreed to his suggestion. But, fuck if I wasn’t going to spend the rest of the night thinking about what he looked like under his clothes.
“You’re probably right,” I said.
“Think of me tonight.”
“Bye, Hawk.”
“Goodnight, Kenny.”
Luckily, Luc and Kylie had finished whatever reconciliation they were having.
And the rest of my family and Sam’s family had started to wander in from the reception.
I let my bikini drop to the floor and slipped into my sheets.
As my hand snaked between my legs, my mind wandered to the image of Hawk as he grasped his cock.