Chapter 64
Chapter Sixty-Four
Jax
Wanted: One Adultier Adult
Curling up on the couch with my mate is a luxury I wish I could indulge in right now. Exhaustion sets in even before we leave Todd’s, and I’m glad Shawn’s driving home separately in his car so I have a few minutes to just…
Decompress.
I hate lying to Todd, but how Shawn set up that situation was smart. Because I genuinely did lose my shit despite the tiny voice deep in the back of my brain trying to scream it wasn’t real.
If I had been loose when Todd spat in my face?
There would’ve been blood, and a lot of it.
That…terrifies me.
It wasn’t until I burst out of the barn and spotted the terror on the faces of the guys on the safety team on the other side of the yard—and the tranquilizer gun aimed directly at me—that something in my soul was able to yank hard enough on the emotional emergency brake to remind me that no, this wasn’t “real”.
That it needed to feel real to Mal above all.
Had Shawn not jumped me when I hit the clearing I still might have attacked Todd when I saw him.
Note for future me—more safety crew members, and several more armed with tranq guns.
I never could’ve lived with myself had I hurt Todd.
I wouldn’t have liked myself for fucking Mal without his permission, either. Initiations look like free-for-alls, but there are always safewords and precautions.
I don’t know if I could’ve stopped myself from fucking Mal first if Todd and Shawn hadn’t been ready for me.
That’ll definitely be a conversation I have with Pops over a beer once the two of us can sit down and talk, in private, after all this other shit is handled with the refugees and tracking down—and taking down—the fuckers responsible for the carnage.
He made this shit look easy, and from this end of things I logically understand there had to be times he felt like I do right now—wondering where the fuck the adultier adult is who should actually be in charge instead of me.
When the next realization finally slams home, I nearly veer off the road.
Oh my god, I’m going to be a dad!
My hands shake and I end up pulling off onto the shoulder. Thank the Goddess Shawn went on ahead of me because I wanted to talk to the guys on the safety team first.
Yes, I’ve wanted to be a dad in the theoretical sense of the word.
Some day.
One day.
In the future.
Well, now that future is here.
I rest my head on the steering wheel, close my eyes, and take several long, deep, slow breaths to steady myself.
Did I know Shawn catching would be a possibility?
Sure, a remote one.
I never expected it to be this time.
Not to mention poor Mal. As if that kid didn’t have enough worries on his plate, now he’s pregnant.
At least he’s got Todd, and if I am sure of anything in this world, it’s that I know Todd will be an amazing dad. Knowing him, he’s likely already trying to talk Mal into going shopping for baby stuff and making lists of names.
I owe Mal an apology, too, even though I know it’s not my fault he caught. It’s not anyone’s fault it happened. Well, yeah, okay, it is Todd’s fault, technically, but none of us expected that to happen. There was no intent for this outcome for him.
I don’t know how or when we’ll handle initiation for him, but I know now, at this moment, there won’t be a single damned member of this pack who won’t surround him as pack to help protect him if needed.
Goddess, you have a fucking twisted sense of humor.
I finally pull back onto the road and make it home about fifteen minutes later. Shawn’s already got something delicious cooking, and that heaps more guilt on me because I’d planned to call for take-out and have it delivered so he could rest.
He sticks his head out from the kitchen doorway when he hears me walk in, and the beaming grin he wears lights not just his face, but his entire soul.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so…joyful.
Walking over, I pull him into my arms and kiss him. “So how many are you going to want, hmm?”
He grins. “How about we survive this one first and then let the Goddess decide? I wouldn’t mind having them close together.”
I rest my forehead against his, close my eyes, and just…
Breathe.
He always centers me, grounds me, makes me desperate to be a better man.
He kisses me again and then disengages. “Sorry, this is great, but I need to stir the sauce.”
“What are you making?”
“Fettuccini Alfredo.”
I follow him into the kitchen and realize he’s boiling water in one of the large pots that’s usually only utilized for making massive amounts of food for pack gatherings and potlucks, or for feeding a group of people doing community projects, like storm cleanup.
The other pot, that he’s currently stirring, is the 2-gallon pot we usually use for making chicken stock.
From the empties on the counter, it looks like he’s dumped three large boxes of fettuccini, two of ziti, and two of tri-color rotini pasta in the water of the biggest pot. “Uh, babe?”
He grins. “You’ll thank me later tonight when I’m not sending you down to Brooksville in the middle of the night for groceries.”
On a third burner sits a 4-quart pot where he’s boiling broccoli, and in the oven are two sheet pans full of chicken tenderloins.
“Do we even have any groceries left?” I tease.
“We’ve been talking about eating down the freezer contents so we can get fresh stuff.”
“I didn’t mean all in one night.” My work cell buzzes with a text, so I give Shawn a kiss and head to the living room to check it.
It’s from Morning.
Can we talk?
Fuck me. Just what I do not need right now.
I walk to our bedroom and shut the door before I call him. “Dude, no disrespect intended, but this afternoon was an entire fucking day and a half, and I’m not leaving home until tomorrow morning unless something’s literally on fire or someone’s actively attacking my pack.”
“That’s okay. We can talk over the phone.”
“Thank the Goddess. What is it?”
“Well, according to Mike, congratulations are in order. And don’t worry, he said he was telling me that as your attorney, and it’s not to be spread around.”
I groan. “Please tell me he’s not spreading it around? I asked him not to.”
“Just to me. And only because he knew about the other part of that equation and wanted to pass along to me immediately that the situation’s been effectively…handled.”
“You could say that it was over-handled, but yeah, it is.”
“Excellent. May I meet you at your office tomorrow to talk? I need to bring someone with me to introduce them to you in person and to walk them through the on-site preparations.”
“Do I get a name?”
“Not over the phone, but no, they aren’t a vampire. And your father told me to pass along that he vouches for them. You are, of course, welcome to call him and confirm for yourself.”
I relax. “Okay. I take it you know where the office is?”
“Yes, and that it’s outside the guardhouse. Which is another discussion we need to have tomorrow, to make arrangements with your security so friendlies can pass without incident.”
“Do you have a time in mind? Because all I want to do is collapse with Shawn and snuggle and sleep late.”
He laughs. “How about ten?”
I relax. “You have a deal. The other person doesn’t know about Shawn or Mal, correct?”
“Correct. They know I am working with you in tying up a loose logistical end, so to speak, but they don’t know regarding what or who it involves.”
“Good. See you then.”
I return to the kitchen, and now Shawn has something cooking in the microwave, too. I kiss the back of his neck. “Mind if I grab another shower?”
He smiles. “Go ahead. You’ve got about twenty minutes.”
“Thanks.” I stand under the water hot as I can stand it with my head resting against the cool tile, eyes closed, and try to breathe.
This isn’t the best time for a baby.
I should be shouting this news from the rooftops, but…I can’t.
Because it makes me, and the pack by default, weaker under these circumstances. A pressure point the wrong person could try to use against me. The safety team was, as per usual, sworn to secrecy—another of the reasons they’re the ones we use, because they’re trusted—so I’m not worried about that.
Not to mention I feel guilty as hell for not feeling…happy. Right now, I should be over-the-moon, screaming it from the rooftops that we’re having a baby.
But all I can think about are the storm shutters now blacking out the interior of the rec hall.
And how I could have easily ripped out my best friend’s throat had any one person made a misstep today in the safety procedures.
So, unfortunately, I’m finding it difficult to feel anything but disgust at myself as I wonder if maybe I should talk to Pops about handing the reins of the pack back to him, at least for the duration.
No, not really, but…
Yeah.