Chapter 32 #2
“You put everyone around you and yourself in the fucking shit because of it, because you’re too much of a coward.
You always have been. All the shit you’ve done in your life, you did while propping yourself up behind a false wall of safety only to hide how cowardly you are.
You’d rather delude yourself, harm yourself, and give everything you have to reinforce your damn false wall than be humble and recognize your fears, your weaknesses, and your limitations.
No, not that. That’s for weak people. Isn’t that what you always thought?
Isn’t it because you think that way that today we’re all in hell once again? ”
“How long will I have to pay for my mistake?”
“Now you’re admitting it?”
“I can’t admit something I didn’t do. I didn’t do it. Get that through your head!”
“Can you prove it, Antonella?”
“I-I-I…”
“You can’t… You can’t because you’re lying, bitch.”
I swallowed dryly and, for the first time, felt afraid of him as he stepped toward me looking far too intense. I took a step back, blocked by the door behind me.
“I’m trying to understand… What else would you be capable of doing to prove your point about Norah?
Wasn’t it easier to accept that she wasn’t the monster you were painting her as, instead of becoming the very thing you wanted to paint her as?
Or was that not it? Was it the baby? You wanted me, but couldn’t want Lucca the way you pretended to want him? ”
He flattened one of his hands beside my head, exuding aggression as he touched my face with the other hand. His touch was far from gentle.
“I always wanted both of you. I love you both,” I murmured hoarsely, distressed and sick with pain, crying. “Please, don’t say these things to me.”
“Always? No, Antonella, you didn’t always want us…
Do you know what I think? I think you love me, but unfortunately, you can’t love Lucca, or you don’t want to.
You never wanted him, did you? Everything was fine: you would have the baby, I would come back to get him once he was born, and then the two of us would disappear from your life, just like you made a point of stressing when you accepted the agreement I proposed so my son would have a chance to live. ”
His fingers ran over my face, and I locked my jaw, holding back a loud sob. I closed my eyes, incredulous that I was hearing those words.
He went on in a low, insanely calm tone, his lips almost touching mine.
“You didn’t expect to fall in love with me.
Even then, you were petty. You could accept me, but not the baby.
However, you also knew I wouldn’t accept you if you hadn’t accepted Lucca.
So you resigned yourself. I don’t believe you went looking for an excuse to do what you did…
no. That was chance. You saw there the opportunity to have it both ways.
You could prove your fucking point and, on top of that, maybe eliminate what you didn’t want.
Either way, the baby never meant anything to you. ”
“You’re killing me, Heithor…”
“Then we’re even. You destroyed me, Antonella… The other time, at least you had the decency to reject me, not to make me dream or plan. But this time, you did worse. You entangled me, and like a fucking fool, I let myself be deceived. You made me taste heaven only to throw me back into hell again.”
My crying increased.
He rested his forehead against mine. “You know, Antonella, I might even be able to forgive you for deceiving me again, because living without you is a fucking piece of shit. But I can’t. It isn’t only me anymore. Lucca needs me.”
“I-I’m going to prove to you I didn’t do any of that, Heithor.”
“Prove it, Antonella. Do it, for God’s sake,” he murmured harshly, his breathing as heavy and irregular as mine.
Then he pulled away, the coldness returning to his voice when he added, “But until then, stay away from my son if you want to remain here. I won’t risk him any more than I was already stupid enough to. ”
“Please, Heithor, don’t do this. Please. You said, you promised you would never take him from me, that you would never leave me! Please…”
“That was before I knew you’re still the same whore as always, that you played with me one more fucking time. And if you don’t remember, I’ll refresh your memory… I promised I wouldn’t take Lucca from you as long as you wanted him…”
“But I do want him!”
“You want what we had before, when I believed in your theater. I could kill you, Antonella. I swear I could end you… Unfortunately, you are the mother of my son, and I love you, but don’t tempt me anymore. Don’t force me to hurt you.”
“Then kill me, you idiot! Kill me! It would be better and more humane for you to take my life once and for all instead of taking it little by little every day. I can’t be without Lucca. You can’t and will not stop me from being with him. This is a crime!”
“I won’t say this a third time, Antonella. This is the second, and it’s far more than you deserve,” he said calmly, as if stating the color of the sky to me.
I went at him with nails, teeth, and my closed fists. My eyes were tinged red with the force of my rage.
“Don’t you have a heart? Don’t you see you’re killing me?
” His hands caught my wrists before I could cause him any serious damage.
Even so, I tried unsuccessfully to hit him, to hurt him somehow the way he was hurting me.
“Wasn’t leaving me alone in that shit hospital for so long enough?
Isn’t everything I went through enough? What kind of person are you? ”
“That’s a question you need to ask yourself, Antonella.”
“You can’t hate me this much… you… you promised me…
promised you wouldn’t leave me, that you wouldn’t hurt me, and now you’re doing exactly that…
I trusted you. Dio, I trusted you! I told the fucking truth!
Why would I lie if you could find out the truth?
Don’t you see it makes no sense? I could have stayed quiet, Heithor…
everyone, you yourself believed I’d had a domestic accident.
If I had done this atrocity, do you think I would have said anything besides confirming the accident? ”
He looked at me in silence, his eyes narrowed while I stared at him through the pool of liquid pain in my eyes, waiting with my chest heaving for a miracle.
Please, God… Please, please, please, please…
Long seconds, maybe minutes, an entire lifetime later, Heithor released my wrists, his expression impassive. He took a step back.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Three times, and we both die.” He threw the jacket on the bed. “I hope I don’t find you here when I get out of the shower.” He turned his back on me.
I no longer knew that man. He was a complete stranger.
I ran a hand through my hair and turned on my heels.
An enraged scream was trapped in my throat.
And it was then, when I thought nothing else could surprise me, that from the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of the tip of an object under his coat.
I approached even though I had no idea why, and when I picked up the box, I went cold.
It was a little red velvet box.
With trembling fingers, I pushed the lid up.
A ring. Not just any ring. It was studded with diamonds all the way around and had an enormous blue diamond in the center. An engagement… ring.
The floor opened beneath my feet again, and my head spun.