Chapter 40 #3
“Mistake? A mistake is when you drop a glass because you’re distracted, when you forget to pay a bill, leave food on the stove.
What you did was… I don’t have words for your evil.
” A hysterical laugh crossed my lips. “And to think that all this time, I was desperate for a clue, for anything that could prove that bitch had set me up, and you were right here!”
“I did it for you… for myself mainly. I was selfish. I didn’t think things would get to this point.
I didn’t think of anything, only of you…
I’ve loved you since I started working as your security, Ella…
I love you… I let myself be carried away by the feeling…
it was wrong, but fuck, I wanted a chance with you. ”
I stared at him, more horrified, if that was possible.
“And what, you miserable bastard? You thought I would be with you? I wouldn’t be with you if you were the last man on the face of the earth, Ben.
And it isn’t because of Heithor. I never looked at you or would look at you in any way other than as a friend.
And now… now all I feel is revulsion… disgust so huge and hatred so deep I could drown in them. ”
I met his eyes, but he didn’t face me.
“Ella…”
“How could you be so vile, so… so repulsive? Look at me, you bastard, and tell me! How could you do this to me when I trusted you?”
His gaze met mine, guilty, but the consternation and sadness in it told me nothing except that he was a bastard of the highest order.
“I regret it so much.”
“So much that if I hadn’t remembered the shoes, you never would have told me, right?
What did you think? That you’d help me escape, if you really were going to help me, and then your false goodness would remain intact in my eyes?
That someday, in your twisted fantasies, I would thank you by accepting you into my life as my man? ”
“It’s true, querida. I regret it. I haven’t been able to sleep since I learned the damage I helped cause. All this time I wanted to tell you, but you would hate me, and everything grew to a proportion I hadn’t measured…”
“You want me to believe you? Tell Heithor. Would you do that, Ben? Would you tell him you helped that bitch set me up?”
Despite the circumstances, I felt a thread of hope sprout that he, despite his cruel actions, could ease all the suffering by telling Heithor the truth. His silence, however, crushed me further.
“You don’t deserve me, or any other woman on this planet, because you, Benjamin, are a piece-of-shit coward. The worst kind of bastard.”
Disoriented, I grabbed my purse from the chaise and rushed to leave his presence. I had heard too much. I was suffocating in all that filth. Ben intercepted me before I reached the door, forcing me to turn and face him, his arms trapping me tightly while I tried to free myself.
“Let me go, fuck! Get your filthy hands off me!”
He was breathing hard, tension vibrating from his body. “Listen to me, querida, please… I was a coward and selfish too. I also know nothing I say or do can soften my mistake… I only wanted one opportunity. Just one, Antonella. I love you.”
“Don’t call me querida, and shove your fucking love up your ass, you bastard!” I spat with scorn. “I already love someone, and it definitely isn’t you. And even if Heithor didn’t exist, I would never love someone as vile as you.”
His eyes stared at me, offended and shaken.
“How can you still love him?”
“Heithor is being atrocious to me because of the filth you, piece of shit, reinforced against me. Still, he is a thousand times better than you will ever be, because, despite everything, despite every mistake, Heithor would never stoop to this…” I’m disgusted by you, Benjamin.
There are no words to describe the hatred and revulsion I feel. You sicken me!”
I felt his grip loosen as the words left my lips. He blinked, looking tormented, but before he released me, his lips covered mine, and all I felt was a disgust so huge, so strong, it twisted everything inside me.
I didn’t think. I just acted, driving my knee between his legs with all the strength and rage I felt. He released me, bending over with a groan of pain.
I rubbed my lips, sickened, and hurried out without looking back.
The disgust I felt at having his mouth on mine was so intense that my stomach twisted violently, turning inside out, the nausea too strong to hold back when I reached the sidewalk outside the building.
Holding my stomach, I bent over and vomited, each violent wave sending a stab of pain through my abdomen.
There was so much dirt, so much shit around me, that I felt dirty myself, as if crusts upon crusts of filth covered me.
I couldn’t stand there thinking like that. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, keeping my other arm wrapped around my stomach, the nausea still hurting me as I began walking down the dimly lit sidewalk.
The horror of the disgusting discovery, the betrayal still unimaginable to my mind, turned into thick drops overflowing from my eyes.
I felt so, so stupid…
“Antonella! Antonella!”