Chapter 38
It’s nearly two a.m. when I slide into my bed at the Dagger, when the chaos of the past twenty-four hours finally settles and I’m able to breathe again.
Seeing the empty bed across from mine is more depressing than I expect.
Somehow, Xavier Ford crawled under my skin and made me adore him, sex addiction and all.
I roll onto my side, tucking my hand under my cheek as I try to foist slumber upon myself. But my mind is too noisy, my heart still flipping at the memory of Gray’s lips so close to mine.
“I know what this looks like. But I’m not here for that.”
The soft voice in my head jolts through me like an electric current. It doesn’t hurt—it never hurts when these confusing transmissions strike out of nowhere—but it’s such a foreign sensation that it triggers my anxiety.
I think…that was Ivy? I can’t hear her anymore, so I’m not sure. But I hear Cross. Loud and clear.
“It’s two a.m. and you showed up at my door. What else am I supposed to think?”
She’s in his quarters? This late at night?
The mere notion makes my vision swim with a white-hot rage, and I realize I’m shaking. Jealousy squeezes my chest like a boa constrictor.
Stop it. You ended it. He’s not yours anymore.
Right. Cross and I aren’t together anymore. I haven’t heard a peep from him in months. Which is my fault—I own that. He asked me to run away with him and I said no. I’m not allowed to care who he’s talking to or whether he’s indulging in late-night trysts with his ex-girlfriend.
“Please. Cross.” That’s Ivy, all right. “Can I come in?”
My mind suddenly goes silent.
Why aren’t they talking?
Keep talking!
I hate this new ability, whatever the fuck it is. I want to be able to control it, but the silence drags on and on and on, until I’m nearly screaming with frustration.
Just as I’m about to give up and go to sleep, their voices fill my mind again.
“I know. Trust me, I know.” Cross sounds as tired as I feel.
He knows what? I grit my teeth in frustration.
“I didn’t want to be up on that platform,” Ivy says, a note of misery in her voice. “What he did to those silverbloods…”
Roe. She means Roe. They must be discussing the executions after the salt mine rescue.
Their voices fade away, then return.
“…scares me.”
“I’ll reassign you. If you don’t feel safe serving on his unit, I’ll transfer you to Hadley’s team.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
There’s a long, long pause, and for a moment I think I’ve lost the connection. Until Ivy utters the words that bring another hot clench of jealousy to my chest.
“Do you ever think about us, Cross?”
This time, when the silence returns—and sticks—I welcome it.
I wake up the next morning still feeling dispirited, so at breakfast I convince Tana to come to the valley with me for a trail ride.
She resists at first, but whatever she sees on my face causes her to capitulate.
Luisa flies us down, going to visit with her parents while Tana and I walk to the stable.
We don’t see Gray’s aunt Jenni on her porch today, thankfully.
Something about that woman puts me on edge.
Tana and I have slowly been reconnecting in the months since her rescue, but this afternoon is especially reminiscent of our childhood. I’m overcome by a wave of nostalgia as we saddle the horses and take off in a steady trot along the trail.
“I miss the ranch,” I remark. “All the wide-open spaces.”
“I miss my dad.”
My stomach twists at the reminder of Griff. Big, gentle Griff, with his bushy beard streaked with gray.
“You’ve been observing the coal mine, right?” I ask her. Tana is assigned to Intelligence, so she spends most of her time on the Dagger’s R&I floor, coordinating with our operatives in the wards. “Any chance the network will rescue the Mods there?”
“Doubtful. Spearhead is way too secure,” she says grimly. “But we’ve been monitoring the chatter. I haven’t been able to speak to him directly, but I’ve linked with one of the Mods there, and she’s passed some messages to him. Dad says he’s doing fine and not to worry about him.”
Of course he said that. Griff would never want his daughter to fret.
The horse I’m riding is a spunky mare named Dotty who doesn’t know the meaning of patience.
She keeps trying to break into a canter, and I keep having to rein her in.
Meanwhile, Tana’s mount, a sweet colt named Racer, does not live up to his name whatsoever.
While his dam is wired for speed, his hooves click slowly against the rocky trail in a slow, calming rhythm.
“Why did I get the lazy one?” Tana sighs as the colt suddenly stops so he can chomp on a piece of grass.
My mare whinnies, unhappy. “Mine belongs in Z,” I muse. “She’s dying to run.”
Tana urges Racer forward with the nudge of her boot heels.
He picks up the pace but only slightly. The trail widens so we can ride side by side now.
We don’t speak for a while, but it’s a comfortable silence.
Tana and I have never needed to fill the space between us with mindless conversation.
But she also knows me well. I feel her watching me from the corner of my eye, until finally she lets out a knowing chuckle.
“Come on. Spit it out. Let’s talk about it.”
“About what?”
“Whatever’s on your mind.” She pauses. “Is it about him? The captain?”
“I already told you, that’s over.” Other than Gray and Xavier, she’s the only one who knows I was involved with Cross.
“Just because you’re not together doesn’t mean you’re not still locked.”
“I did something stupid last night,” I admit.
“I’m shocked.” Her lips twitch at the corners as she fights a laugh.
“I almost kissed Gray. I want to say it’s because I was on seraphis—”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“The Faithful spike their grange with it,” I say wryly. “But I can’t entirely blame it on the root. A part of me really wanted to kiss him.”
“And that’s a problem because?”
“Because he has a girlfriend. And I have…I don’t know what I have. A self-inflicted broken heart, I suppose.”
Tana whistles softly, which makes my mare think that gives her permission to charge. The next thing I know, she’s trying to gallop down the trail.
“Whoa,” I say, urging Dotty to a stop, and she neighs at me in accusation. “Hey, it’s not my fault your son is a lazy ass.”
I wait for Tana to catch up, trotting forward with the colt.
“You know what the best cure for a broken heart is?” she says, picking up where we left off. “You move on.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Sure you can. There’s no shortage of attractive men at the Dagger,” she points out. “Including your pilot…”
“Gray has a girlfriend,” I repeat.
“Who he doesn’t give a shit about.”
“He cares about Karra,” I protest.
“He cares about you more.”
That gives me pause. “You’re suggesting I use Gray or someone on the base to get over Cross? It feels wrong to use someone else.”
“It’s not using anyone. Like I said, it’s called moving on.
That doesn’t mean you rush into something.
Just be open to the idea of somebody else.
” She hesitates. “I know you loved him, but you can’t have a relationship with a Prime.
Eventually there’ll come a day when they have to choose between you and their people. And they’ll never choose you.”
I adjust the reins, trying to ignore my stinging eyes. “I’ll think about it. We should start to head back.”
She clicks her tongue to get her horse to pay attention to her, and we turn back toward the valley.
“What about you? Any eligible partners on the base?” I don’t want to push, but I can’t help but add, “You share a lot of meals with Luisa…”
Tana shrugs.
“What was that?” I tease.
Finally, she looks at me, sheepish. “I kissed her last night.”
I can’t hide my excitement. “Really? How was it?”
“Pretty amazing,” she admits. “Lu’s not my usual type, though. She’s quieter, hates attention. She’s not someone who’ll get boozed at a party and dance all night.”
“No, but she’s a good soul.”
“I think so. She’s more reserved than me, that’s all. Her family went through a lot. Anyway, please don’t make a big deal out of it. I like her, but…things never last.”
“Have you done more than kiss?”
Instantly, Tana tenses.
“Sorry,” I say hastily. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just…I haven’t been with anyone since what happened with the soldier.”
Anson. She never says his name, even though she knows it. I can’t fault her for trying to distance him in her mind.
“It’s hard to be intimate after something like that,” I say gently.
She nods. “Lu is patient.”
“Good. I’m glad. If it happens, it happens. And if it doesn’t, that’s also okay.”
We ride back to the small stable, where we spend the next hour unsaddling and brushing the horses before letting them out into the paddock.
Tana’s veins ripple through her arms as she links with Luisa. “Lu will meet us at the landing pad in ten.”
We’re heading in that direction when my gaze lands on a perplexing sight in the small front yard of a nearby cottage.
A dark-haired woman crouches beside a little boy, helping him fasten what appears to be a pair of wooden wings to his slim back. As we get closer, I’m startled to realize it’s Evlynne and Fisher.
Fisher is grinning broadly, his scrawny arms shooting out as if ready to take off. With a tender look I’ve never seen on Evlynne’s dour face, she straightens the wings, then cups Fisher’s cheeks. Her businesslike voice wafts in our direction.
“Ready for your checklist, ace?”
“Wings secure!” he shouts back.
“Goggles?” Evlynne prompts.
He pushes a pair of imaginary goggles onto the bridge of his nose. “Goggles on!”
“Altitude?”
“Twenty thousand feet!”
Evlynne gives a brisk nod. “Cleared for takeoff.”
As she rises to her feet, Fisher sprints across the neatly cut grass, flinging his arms out like propellers. It might just be the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Evlynne seems to agree, because her eyes are shining as she watches her son “fly” around the yard.
He stops mid-flight when he spots me and Tana.
“Tana!” Fisher shouts.
He comes racing over, and Tana bends down to hug him. She told me she made friends in the valley when she lived with Beatriz and Seth for those few weeks. I guess Fisher counts among those friends.
To my surprise, the little boy recognizes me, too. “Is Gray with you?” he whines.
I shake my head. “No, he’s on the base.”
When Evlynne approaches, I brace myself. We barely speak at the Dagger, not that I’ve been eager to since she deserted me on a mountain. Despite the tension in the air, she greets us with a smile, albeit grudging.
“Hey, Tana,” she says. “Darlington.”
“Guess what?” Fisher interrupts, his wings flapping as he bounces with excitement. “Mom and I saw a ridgehowler yesterday!”
I stiffen. “Here in the village?”
“No, he was a good distance away,” Evlynne says.
“But we saw him!” Fisher continues. “He was standing at the top of the hill looking at us, and we looked back, and I waved, but then he ran away.” His face lights up. “Do you know why they’re called ridgehowlers? Mom, tell them why!”
Evlynne reaches down to ruffle his hair. She’s clearly enamored with the boy, her gaze softening each time she looks at him. “It’s because they live high up in the mountains, and when they howl, they can hear each other calling for miles and miles.”
“Did you know?” Fisher presses, looking from me to Tana.
“I did know that,” I tell him. “And the sound travels across the mountain ridges. It’s how they mark their territory.”
My gaze meets Evlynne’s. She offers a sheepish just humor him look, and I give a reassuring smile in return. When her arms suddenly glow with silver, her attention returns to her son.
“I need to run inside for a second, kiddo. Your aunt Bea is coming by to pick up the cake pan she lent us.”
“Mom baked us a cake!” Fisher tells us.
Evlynne bakes?
As the woman who has now become a total stranger to me hurries toward the cottage, Fisher continues to babble about cake, ridgehowlers, and airplanes, until Tana’s veins ripple again.
“Luisa’s waiting,” she reminds me.
I smile down at Fisher. “We have to go now. But I’m sure we’ll see you again soon.”
“Wait! Can you give Grayson something for me?”
“Of course.”
Before I can blink, he wraps his arms around my waist in a hug.
“It’s a hug,” he explains, beaming. “Give him a hug for me.”
Okay, that was kind of sweet. Kids and I aren’t usually friends. Gray seems great with them, though.
Does Cross like kids? I wonder. I realize I’ve never seen Cross interact with children before. As Wolf, he told me many times he doesn’t want children, but I feel like Cross would be a good father—
An electric jolt shoots through the back of my neck, and it’s only because I trained with Uncle Jim for years that I’m able to quickly mask the pain.
It happens so fast. One second I feel the pressure in my mind, and the next second, it’s gone.
Evlynne’s son gives me a curious look. “Who’s Cross?”
I rear back in shock.
The kid just read my mind.