Chapter 2
CHAPTER TWO
R onan
Someone knocking on my bedroom door wakes me, and before I can say come in, the door opens and Eleanor walks in. She’s all smiles as always since I came back here.
As she sets a tray down with my breakfast of eggs and toast and a glass of orange juice, she looks over at me and says, “Good morning, Ronan. It’s a beautiful summer day out. I hope I didn’t wake you, but I didn’t want you to miss the chance to get out there and enjoy yourself.”
She knows as well as anyone else that I never leave this room. There’s no reason to.
I sit up in bed, making sure I pull the sheets up to my waist so I don’t give Eleanor a shock. “Thanks. I had a hard time sleeping last night, so I’ll probably just stay in and catch up on getting some rest.”
Her smile fades when I say that, but she quickly forces the corners of her mouth upward. “Oh, okay. Well, maybe you’ll go out on the patio or hang out a little while at the pool today. You never know.”
Yes, I do know. I don’t want to go anywhere.
She leaves without another word, and I slide out of bed to get my breakfast. With the first bite of the scrambled eggs, I can’t help but smile. I may be unhappy and hate everything, but I can’t deny Eleanor makes the best eggs in the world.
Halfway through my meal, I hear voices outside in the hallway. Straining to listen, I recognize Matthias and Ava speaking to someone, likely Eleanor. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but the tone of their voices comes through loud and clear.
A second later, another knock on my bedroom door is followed by Ava poking her head into the room. Smiling, she says, “I wanted to make sure to say good morning before I take the baby to his doctor’s appointment. Can I come in?”
For a second, I remember Mrs. Columbo, my sophomore English teacher constantly riding all of us about can and may and consider asking the questions she would have. Can you? Are you physically able?
Ava doesn’t deserve that, though. She’s been nothing short of terrific letting me stay here in what’s her home now after what happened in the spring. I may not always like how sweet and chipper she is when she comes to see me, but I can’t hold that against her.
That’s just me being my miserable self.
“Sure,” I answer with as much enthusiasm as I can muster, which doesn’t amount to much.
She walks in with little Theo in her arms and sits down in the chair beside my bed. The baby seems particularly happy today. Poor guy doesn’t know what’s waiting for him at that doctor’s appointment.
“It’s a beautiful day outside,” she says, leaving the last word of her sentence hanging, as if she wishes she could say what she’s keeping to herself.
“I heard.”
She nods and continues to smile, but in her eyes I can see she’s disappointed I didn’t answer with more enthusiasm for the weather report. What she and everyone else want is for me to happily tell them the beautiful summer weather has made me decide to leave this room for the first time in two months.
It’s not going to happen, but she and the rest of my family get an A for effort.
We sit in silence as Theo coos, looking at me like he wants to ask why I won’t leave this damn room. I’ll explain it to you one day when you’re older, little guy.
“Do you want me to pick you up anything when I go into town today?” Ava asks with such hopefulness in her voice I wish I could tell her I want something.
But what I want she can’t get me. Nobody can.
I shake my head as my answer. It would be rude to tell her I just want to be left alone, but that’s all I want to say right now.
We return to silence for a few moments until she stands up and says, “Okay. I have to get Theo and Matty to their appointment, and that involves two car seats, which never fail to be a production. Matthias and I hired someone to help since now that the new baby is here, it’s a little bit much for me to handle. She’s starting today, so I didn’t want you to think someone broke in if you see her.”
“Okay.”
“Her name is Sabrina. She’s going to be living here. All right, I need to get my little guys to the doctor’s.”
I nod, not caring about this new person or anything else.
Ava gives me one last smile before she heads out of my room with the baby, leaving me alone like I prefer. I sometimes wish she would give up on trying to cheer me up. Same with Eleanor. Just accept this is who I am now.
I’ve accepted my life. Why can’t they?
Every item hung in this room reminds me of the life I wanted and will never have. The picture of me on the All-Star Little League team that almost made it to Williamsport. We got so close. The whole team was disappointed, but we never had more fun than that year on our World Series run.
The New York Yankees pennant and ticket stub from my first baseball game when I was just ten. My mother wasn’t feeling well that day, but she promised we’d go see the Yankees, so she drove all of us, along with Ava and Andrew, to the Bronx. We ate so many hot dogs Kellen got sick on the way home, but even that didn’t ruin our time. The five of us talked about that day for months afterward.
My first baseball uniform shirt my mother framed for me right before she passed away. She hadn’t been able to get out of bed all that week, but she worked through the pain to surprise me with that gift. I remember my father hanging it right where it is today. They were both so proud.
In the corner on top of my chest of drawers sits my first baseball glove. I wouldn’t be able to fit even my fingers in it now, but when I was a little boy, that was my prized possession. Matthias and Theo showed me how to oil it, and I’d sit every night after dinner and finishing my homework rubbing that glove.
I close my eyes, unable to look at any of it for another second. All I ever worried about was not being able to make it to the major leagues because I dropped a fly ball or screwed up on a double play.
Now I can’t even think of even being able to do either of those things.
As I slowly slip into my gloom, my door opens and I look to see it’s Kellen and Matthias. They’ve already seen I’m not sleeping, so there’s no escaping their visit.
“Still in bed? What is this like the fiftieth day in a row? Jesus, Ronan. You better get up or your legs will forget to work,” Kellen says as he plops down in the chair next to my bed.
I don’t even attempt to hide how much I don’t want to listen to whatever it is he’s come to tell me and turn my head to stare out the window. If he and Matthias cared at all about how I feel, they’d leave me alone.
My oldest brother takes his own approach to convince me to join the land of the living, walking around to the other side of my bed and blocking my view of the outside. “How are you today?” he asks hesitantly.
Glaring up at him, I sigh, already tired of the two of them. “I’m fine. I’d like to be alone. I was sleeping,” I lie.
Matthias levels his gaze on me, obviously not believing anything I’ve said as he takes his position leaning against the window frame. “Kellen and I thought you might want to go swimming. He took the day off, and I’m working from home today, but I can blow off work for a few hours to hang out with you guys.”
“No.”
Dressed in a gray suit and black dress shirt with a pink and gray tie I’m sure Ava picked out, he doesn’t look like he’s working from home. At least Kellen seems like he may actually be here to enjoy himself. Then again, how hard would it be for him to change out of shorts and a t-shirt and back into a suit?
I watch as Matthias’s expression morphs from slightly hopeful to discouraged in a flash, but Kellen isn’t as easily persuaded. Beside me, he pushes on the pillows behind me like he always used to when I was sick as a little boy.
“Come on. Sitting here in this room day and night for weeks has got to be making you nuts. Nobody’s saying you have to go out in public or anything. Just down to the pool. Maybe get in. I bet Ava will put those little swimmies things on Theo after she slathers him in sunscreen. It’ll be fun!”
As much as I don’t want to deal with him, I turn to my right and stare into his eyes as I say, “What about no don’t you understand?”
Even as he continues to play the clown, I see he understands this isn’t going to happen today. If he was being honest with himself, he’d admit it’s never going to happen again. I don’t want to hang out at the pool. I don’t want to do anything with anyone.
Why can’t my family just leave me alone?
I close my eyes to avoid the look of pity I know they’re both giving me. I don’t want pity. I don’t want anything.
I just want to be left alone.
Kellen taps me on my shoulder before standing up. “Okay, Ronan. If you change your mind, we’ll be down at the pool trying to teach little Theo how to swim.”
The sound of his footsteps tells me he leaves, but Matthias is still sitting against the window frame, which means he has something he wants to say. Terrific.
I wait, but he remains silent, so I finally open my eyes and there it is. Pity. Fuck, I hate that. Why does he have to look at me like I’m some pathetic creature he feels bad for?
“Since you’re still here, I’m assuming you have something you want to say to me, so say it and let me be.”
He folds his arms across his chest and sighs. “The doctor said you need to start getting out every so often.”
“I go to my doctor’s appointments every week, so I get out.”
That answer doesn’t satisfy him, unfortunately. “We’re not trying to torture you, Ronan. We’re only doing what he says you need.”
Sick and tired of hearing doctors say I should get out when they can’t understand what I’m going through, I can’t stop myself from barking, “What I fucking need is to be left alone! Why won’t any of you accept that? I don’t want to go anywhere. Just leave me alone!”
Matthias winces like I’ve just slapped him across the face and simply looks down at the floor. “Okay, Ronan.”
He leaves me alone in my misery, but he doesn’t make it far. Ava and Kellen are waiting for him out in the hallway.
“Did he say no to coming down to the pool?” Ava asks, sounding teary.
Matthias says something in a low voice I can’t hear, but I can bet it’s something like he wishes I’d snap out of it. He has no idea what I’m going through here. Snapping out of it isn’t going to happen.
“I don’t know what to say to him to get him to see life is still worth living,” Kellen says in a rare moment of seriousness. “He can’t just stay in that room for the rest of his life.”
“He can stay here as long as he wants,” Matthias says, “but the doctor told me he has to make some effort to at least try to get back to normal.”
The three of them whisper something as I try to remember what normal felt like. It’s all a blur now, the past where I was just like everyone else and had my whole life to look forward to a distant memory. Those days are gone.
“I just wish there was something we could do to make him see he has so much to look forward to,” Ava says.
She’s wrong. There’s nothing to look forward to. There’s only this room where I can hide out and never see the world again.