Chapter 5
CHAPTER FIVE
K ate
Ava catches me at the bottom of the stairs and grabs my arm. “Hey, what’s wrong? Don’t run. You’ll get hurt. You can’t see straight because you’re crying.”
I stop, nodding since she’s right. I’m lucky I didn’t break my neck running down the stairs. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a blubbering mess. I just thought he’d be?—”
I’m not sure how to finish my sentence, so I left it drift off to nothingness. I don’t know what I expected to find when I saw Ronan today. The boy I loved all that time ago? The man he grew into? I don’t know. I guess I just thought maybe he’d be happy to see me.
Matthias walks down the hallway toward us, his face pure worry. God, now he’s going to see I’m crying too.
“Everything okay?” he asks his wife before looking at me. “Oh, hi, Kate. Did you come to see Ronan?”
His voice sounds so hopeful, but his optimism disappears when he sees how upset I am. “Oh. Yeah, I guess you saw him.”
Ava takes me by the hand and begins to lead me to the kitchen. “It’s okay, honey. Kate and I are going to have something to drink and maybe one of those little cakes Eleanor made this morning. We didn’t mean to interrupt your work.”
Before he can say another word, she picks up the pace so we’re out of earshot in seconds. Turning to look at me, she sighs. “Men don’t really understand the crying thing. Better for us to hang out with Eleanor. She gets it.”
We walk into the kitchen, and I see it’s the same warm place it was when Ronan and I dated. Ava points at the table and says, “Take a seat. I just put the boys down for their naps, and if they wake up, Sabrina, the girl we hired to help out around here, will check on them. So I have time to chat. Do you like tea or coffee, or would you prefer something cold, like a water or soda? We’ve got it all.”
“Um, a water or soda would be great. Thanks.”
Eleanor notices me and smiles like I’m an old friend. “Kate! It’s so good to see you again. How have you been?”
“I’ve been good,” I answer half-heartedly, sounding nothing close to good.
“She was up with Ronan,” Ava says, and that’s all the explanation the housekeeper needs.
“Oh,” Eleanor says before letting out a heavy sigh.
“Yeah, so I thought she might like something to eat. Maybe one of those little coffee cakes you made this morning. I know I can go for one.”
The older woman’s face lights up, and she hurries over to the island where a platter of her cakes sits next to a basket of lemons. “You handle the drinks, and I’ll get the cakes.”
They’re both so welcoming and sweet, but all I want to do is break down and cry after seeing Ronan. He’s so bitter and angry. I can understand why, but I didn’t expect him to lash out at me like that. It’s like he has no memory of ever loving me at all.
And he doesn’t even look like himself. In all the time I was with him, he never let his beard get so unkempt. He looked like he doesn’t even want to take care of himself. That was never the Ronan I knew.
Ava sets a glass of soda down in front of me, and Eleanor follows with a plate with two mini coffee cakes that smell like pure heaven. She always made the most incredible desserts.
“These look great. My mouth is watering from the smell of butter and cinnamon. Thank you.”
The two of them smile and proceed to sit down at the table with me. Ava takes a seat across from me, and Eleanor sits down beside me.
As we begin to eat the treats, I can feel myself grow happier with each nibble. Ava reaches out and pats my hand.
“I’m sorry it was so jarring to see him like that. I didn’t want to give you any advance warning just in case he acted like his old self with you. I guess I was hopeful because it was you.”
Nodding, I let out a sigh. “I knew what happened to him, but that’s not Ronan up there. Not the person I knew and loved. This Ronan is so angry. I’ve never seen him like that.”
“The doctor says he’s still mourning the loss of his hand,” Ava explains. “Like with any other kind of loss, there are phases. I have to admit, though, that I’m getting a little worried he’s stuck in the anger stage. We’ve all tried anything we can think of, but he’s getting worse, not better.”
God, I hate hearing that. Ronan has had to deal with so much loss in his life already and now this.
“I still see that wonderful boy I knew in him,” Eleanor says, almost as if she’s trying to convince herself along with the two of us that Ronan is still Ronan. “It’s just hidden under all those layers of unhappiness.”
She looks genuinely sad, but that’s not a surprise. Eleanor has been practically a mother to all the King boys after they lost their own mother so young. Ronan was only ten when she died, so he’s lived longer without her than with her. Eleanor has been the only maternal figure in his life since then.
I don’t know what to say because everything I’m thinking threatens to make me burst into tears. Seeing him like he is broke my heart, and I don’t know what to do now.
After we sit in silence for a few minutes as we finish our coffee cakes, Ava sets her jaw and takes a deep breath in, letting it out in a rush. “Well, we can’t give up on him. It’s hard, but the Ronan we all know and love is still in there.”
While she seems optimistic, I don’t know if seeing me is going to help or hurt him. She senses my apprehension when I don’t say anything and pats my hand sympathetically.
“Please don’t think you did anything wrong up there. You wanted to see someone you cared about for a long time. That’s a genuinely good thing.”
I hang my head, too sad to look at her. “I never stopped loving Ronan. We broke up, but that didn’t change how I feel.”
“That’s good!” Eleanor says excitedly.
Turning to look at her, I see her smiling. “It didn’t seem very good a few minutes ago. Maybe it’s my fault. The last time I spoke to him after we broke up, I told him I didn’t think I’d ever forgive him for what he did. Is it possible he’s angry about that instead of my coming to see him?”
“No matter what happened between you two, I know he loved you,” she says so sweetly that I nearly burst into tears. “People in love say things sometimes that they regret.”
Unsure whether she’s referring to me or Ronan, I explain, “I said I didn’t know if I could forgive him because of something he did. Now I wish I had never said that.”
“Oh, trust me. He wasn’t like that because you told him how you were feeling a couple years ago. That up there is because he’s angry at the world, angry at what happened, but most of all, angry the accident stole his dreams from him. The job for all of us who care for him is to help him see there’s so much of life still open to him. He just has to look for it.”
“Do you think it would be good if I stay away for a while? I feel like I upset him so much I might have hurt any chances he’ll want to see me again anytime soon.”
Ava and Eleanor exchange glances before Ava says, “I’ll tell you what. Please keep coming to visit. Hopefully, he’ll see you here, and you two can talk again.”
“And I’ll make sure to have goodies whenever you come by,” the housekeeper says, gently patting my arm.
“Thank you. I just want him to get better. Even if we’re never really friends or anything else to one another, I just want Ronan to be happy. I always have.”
Ava nods. “I know. It’s hard now, but I have to believe things are going to get better. I’ll keep trying. Matthias isn’t going to give up either, and I know Eleanor and his other brothers won’t give up. Ronan loved you, Kate. I’d be so happy if you’d come over whenever you want and see us, and if he’s willing to see you, that’s good for both of you. Just give him time.”
“Is he like that when his other friends come to see him?”
I watch as Ava and Eleanor look at each other with sadness. Ava sighs and says, “Nobody’s come to see Ronan in a long time. I think some people visited him in the hospital, but after that, they sort of disappeared. When he first got here, one or two guys came by, but he sent them away. Since then, there’s been nobody.”
Eleanor shakes her head, and I swear she’s trying to fight back tears. “It’s not right. When people are down, that’s when they need others the most.”
How could this be? “Ronan had lots of friends in high school and college. How is it possible nobody cares about what’s happened to him?”
Ava shrugs. “People have their own lives, and when someone tells you to never come back, people tend to listen. He’s got us, his family, and hopefully, Kate, you’ll come by again.”
My emotions can’t stop twisting into tight knots in my stomach after all I’ve heard and seen today. I know Ava’s right that he needs time, but what if my being around makes things worse?
Do I remind him of a time he wants to forget?
“I better go,” I say as I stand to leave. Grabbing my bag, I thank Ava and Eleanor for the wonderful coffee cakes. “I’ll be happy to come over whenever you think is good.”
“That’ll work. Let’s exchange numbers so you know who I am when I text you.”
After we both put one another’s phone numbers into our cell phones, I thank them both again and leave by the kitchen door like I did so many times when I’d be here with Ronan. I loved coming here when we were together. Unlike my house, which always seemed so quiet and reserved, the King house with its five boys, Mr. King, Eleanor, and the staff never had a calm moment. There was always someone coming or going, and when the brothers would all be home at the same time, it was near bedlam.
And I never felt more at home anywhere but here.
As I walk to my car, I turn and look up toward his bedroom windows. The boy I loved sits up there lost in his misery, and I wish more than anything I could do something to help.
When he doesn’t appear in the windows looking out at me after a minute or so, I continue walking to my car while I think back on all the wonderful times Ronan and I had. Until that night he told me he cheated on me, we were happy. I know that. He was my first love, and I was his. We were going to be together forever.
Maybe that was our immaturity talking, but I believed him when he said he’d love me for the rest of time. I’d never met anyone like Ronan, and when we got together, he turned my world upside down. He made me feel special, and I couldn’t imagine life without him.
I settle into the driver’s seat and glance up once more at his windows. If only he and I were together, maybe he wouldn’t have been on that road on New Year’s Eve. Maybe he would have been with me because I wouldn’t have gone to Europe right after Christmas.
So many if onlys and maybes.