Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
R onan
Another knock on my door, the third or maybe the fourth today, makes me want to throw something in that direction. Too bad my fucking hand is gone. Whoever it is that insists on bothering me is lucky I can’t do a damn thing with the one that’s left.
I don’t bother yelling for them not to come in. They’re going to anyway, so why expend the energy?
The door creaks as it opens, but I’m not looking at who’s coming in. It’s probably Ava or Eleanor, and neither of them require me to acknowledge them. I glance at the clock on the nightstand and see it’s nearly dinnertime. So that’s why they feel the need to interrupt my day again.
“I have a surprise for you, Ronan,” Ava says in that sweet voice I shouldn’t hate since she means well.
Still, I don’t turn to look at her. I don’t give a fuck about her surprise. The last time she said that she came in with a birthday cake to celebrate my birthday six months too early. She said it was to cheer me up, but all I could think was she doesn’t understand how calendars or birthdays work. When I told her I wish I’d never have another birthday again, she practically burst into tears. Kellen claims it was because she was pregnant. Whatever the reason, the whole thing got me a visit from Matthias I could have done without since I don’t care why she cried.
“Okay, I’ll just leave you here with your lovely surprise,” Ava says before I hear the door close.
I don’t give a damn what the surprise is, but I turn my head to see it anyway and instead see Kate. What the fuck is she doing here?
“Hi, Ronan,” my ex-girlfriend shyly says, her expression full of the one thing I never want to see again.
Pity. I could handle anything else but fucking pity.
Hating that I see that in her, I turn away and go back to staring out at the summer day outside my window. I swear I hear kids playing somewhere, but that’s not possible since the grounds this house sits on are at least a mile away in every direction from other people and Matthias and Ava’s kids are too small to be outside making that noise.
I used to love to play on the grounds when I was small. Kellen and I would convince Theo to chase us around the backyard, and sometimes he’d scare us so we’d run to the part of the estate we were never supposed to go to. He never cared. Rules were meant to be broken, according to him. Anyway, if our parents said anything, he’d blame it on me. Being the youngest, I always ensured he never got into trouble because our parents rarely punished me for anything.
Those were the days.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come over to see you before, Ronan, but I just got home from being out of the country since December and didn’t hear what happened until today.”
Kate’s careful not to say what she didn’t find out until today, but even unspoken, the words echo throughout the room. That I lost my hand and now I have nothing to live for. She should have just said it. At least that would be a change from everyone else who works overtime walking on eggshells around me and acting like everything’s going to be fine.
It isn’t. It won’t be ever again. Why no one can see that I’ll never understand.
When I don’t respond to her attempt to start a conversation, she walks around my bed and stands in my line of sight. “I’m sorry I wasn’t around until now. This must be so hard for you,” she says, and once more, all I see and now hear is fucking pity.
Finally, I meet her gaze and see tears in her blue eyes. I loved looking into her eyes when we were together. They’re what Eleanor says is cornflower blue. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that particular shade of blue she’s talking about, but Kate’s blue eyes are soft, like they never held any hint of judgment in them.
Never once until that night I had to tell her I fucked up.
She shouldn’t be here. She had every right to leave me after that. I cheated on her, like some asshole who didn’t know how good he had it. She should hate me.
“You shouldn’t have come here,” I say through gritted teeth as my anger threatens to explode out of me like it hasn’t since that day Matthias, Marius, and Kellen insisted I needed to come live here instead of at my apartment.
If I’d finished myself off like I wanted to, I’d be free of them and Kate.
She takes a step toward the bed and stops. I can smell her perfume. It’s the same stuff she used to wear when we dated. I can’t remember the name of it, but I’d recognize that scent anywhere. Light and flowery, it reminds me of spring and the two of us happy together.
“I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’m always going to be here for you, Ronan. You were a huge part of my life for a long time. As soon as my sister told me what happened, I had to come over to see you.”
So, she wants to talk? Fine. We’ll talk. Just a nice chat between two people who once cared about one another.
“Why? What good do you think it does coming to see me? Did you want to see if what you heard was real? Well, then fine. Take a look.”
I lift up my right arm and show her how my hand and half my forearm are gone now. I see the horror fill her eyes, just like it always does with everyone when they see me now.
“Nice, huh? I go from having it all to having no point in fucking living all in one night. Take a good look at it, Kate. This is what you came over to see, isn’t it?”
My words are intentionally sharp and hurtful, but I regret not a single syllable. If she doesn’t like hearing what I have to say, she can leave. Nobody asked her to come here today.
“Don’t say that. You have a million reasons to live. And I don’t care about looking at what you lost. That’s not why I came here.”
She forgets I know her almost as well as I know myself. I know exactly what brought her here.
Pity.
Kate can’t help herself. I’ve seen her rescue kittens from rainstorms and little kids who got lost in the park. Every time she tried to save someone, she wore the same expression she does now, and it’s nothing but pure fucking pity.
I look past her and shake my head. “I don’t need you here. I don’t need anyone. Just leave me alone. Why does everyone think I want to see people? What fucking good does that do? Do you have a spare arm and hand? Because if you don’t, then go the fuck home and live your life, Kate.”
She sniffles and then clears her throat. Jesus, if she starts crying, I’m going to fucking lose it.
Thankfully, I don’t hear any sobbing, but when I look at her again, I see tears in her eyes. Great. Sorry, sweetheart. I’m not the guy who can help you see the good in life or tell you everything’s going to be okay anymore because it’s not.
“I didn’t mean to upset you, Ronan. I just wanted to come by and tell you I’m around if you want to talk or anything.”
“Well, I don’t.”
Still, that doesn’t make her leave. Kate always was too kind.
She reaches out to touch my left hand, but I snatch it back before she can reach me. “Don’t touch me! Just fucking go! Leave me alone and don’t come back here!”
That finally does the trick, and she runs from the room crying. Good. Now she’ll see there’s no point in coming here with her pity and her hope that she can cheer me up.
Alone again, I close my eyes and push away the first hints of regret that begin to crop up inside my brain. I have nothing to regret, so fuck that. Nobody understands. They would if they lost the only part of them that ever meant anything. If that happened, they’d want to die just like I do.
Why did Marius have to find me at my apartment that day? I would have been out of my misery and all the pain. Why couldn’t he let me have that? Why did he have to be so goddamned selfish and save me when all I wanted was to die?
I don’t want to think of anything, but my brain has a different idea and the memory of that holiday party when Kate’s parents finally met my father and brothers floods my mind. Why does that keep coming back to haunt me? What good does it do to remember how happy I was with her then?
Kate squeezes my hand, and I look around the party to see no one seems to be paying attention to us. Good. Now’s our chance to sneak away and have our own private party upstairs.
Leaning down, I whisper in her ear, “I think we can make our getaway. Let’s go up to my room. We can get some privacy there. All this smiling for our parents is making my cheeks hurt.”
She smiles up at me and nods, so I slowly begin backing up toward the door at the far end of the living room. My father is regaling a group of people, including her mother and father, with some story of when the five of us kids were young. He’s probably telling the one about how Theo convinced Kellen and me to stand still while he covered us in snow to be his own personal snowmen. He always loves telling people that one.
“What if someone see us?” Kate whispers as we take a few more steps closer to the door.
With a laugh, I answer, “I’ll tell them I’m showing you where the bathroom is.”
Kate rolls her eyes at what might be the lamest excuse I could think up. “Yeah, like anyone is going to believe that. You’re practically dragging me away like a caveman.”
I wink at her mention of that and say, “I’m not pulling you out of the room by your hair. I’m just being a gentleman showing you where the ladies’ room is. Now let’s go before one of my brothers screws this up for us.”
Kellen eyes me making my way out of the room and gives me a knowing look. Now I just hope he doesn’t ruin everything by announcing to my father that we’re leaving.
We take a few final steps out into the hallway, and we’re finally home free. I tilt my head toward the stairs and pull Kate along. She catches up easily, and then the two of us run upstairs to the second floor, hand-in-hand giggling the whole way.
When we finally reach my room, I hurry her inside and lock the door. “I thought maybe Kellen would rat us out, but he doesn’t seem to be into busting balls tonight. I’m surprised since he and Marius have been all about the women hating lately.”
Kate smiles as she looks up at the framed picture of me when I was in Little League hanging on the wall opposite my bed. “You were so cute! I can’t get over how adorable you were back then.”
I come up behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist and leaning down so my chin rests on her left shoulder. She smells so incredible tonight, even though I know she’s wearing that same perfume she always wears.
“Even more adorable than now?” I whisper in her ear.
She turns in my hold and looks up at me. “Ten-year-old boys are adorable. Now you’re sexy and hot. But you know that, so why are you fishing for compliments?”
I shrug, not realizing that was what it seemed like I was doing. “I wasn’t. I guess I just like hearing that you think I’m hot.”
As she runs her hands over my stomach, she smiles, and I swear she’s never been more beautiful than she is right now. “I tell you all the time. You’re going to get a big head if I tell you any more often.”
I look down at where her hands are brushing up against the top of my pants and grin. “You keep doing what you’re doing, and I’m going to definitely get a big head.”
She blushes, like she always does when I say things like that. “What if someone in your family or my parents hear you?”
Leaning down, I pepper her neck with soft kisses as I whisper, “They’re all downstairs being bored to tears by my father’s stories about my brothers and me, or even worse, his stories about work. Nobody is going to hear us up here.”
Her hands slide over my shoulders and down over my back until they come to rest on my sides. “We can’t do anything here, Ronan. I’d be too afraid one of your brothers will interrupt us. You know how they are.”
I lift my head and sigh. She’s not wrong. I swear to God every time I have Kate here at the house, one of my brothers or a combination of them comes banging on the door. One time, Kellen and Theo even burst in without even knocking. They have no appreciation for what it’s like to want to be alone with the girl you love.
“Yeah, but we can at least spend some time together alone. I’ve wanted to kiss you all night.”
I don’t give her a chance to say anything to that before I press my lips to hers in a kiss that I hope will let her know how much I love her. She kisses me back, but I sense the hesitation in her because of her fear of what my brothers might do.
“You know what? I wish we were at your house instead of here.”
Her blue eyes get big, and she shakes her head like she can’t believe I said that. “My house is nothing compared to this one. Why would you want to be there?”
Sliding my hands along her sides, I let them come to rest on her hips. “Because we can be alone. This house has too many people in it.”
“Well, the only person I care about is you, Ronan King. Anyway, we’re going to hang out at Courtney’s house for New Year’s night, and none of her family is going to be at her house.”
The thought of the two of us having to go to Courtney’s house to have sex isn’t exactly my idea of a perfect time, but beggars can’t be choosers. Her parents aren’t going out for New Year’s, and there will no doubt be too many Kings in this house for us to have any privacy.
So Courtney’s it is.
“Or we could get a hotel room, just the two of us, and celebrate the new year together that way,” she suggests in that coy way I always adore.
That perks me up, and I immediately begin planning our time together three days from now. “I like that idea. What do you say to that hotel in Scarsdale where everyone ended up at after prom?”
“I don’t care where we go. As long as you’re there, that’s all I need.”
Kate makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. Maybe I should surprise her with a room in the city. That might be difficult since there’s probably not a room to be had at any hotel now for New Year’s Eve, but I think I’m going to try anyway.
She deserves at least that.
“I love you, Kate.”
With a big smile, she stands on her tiptoes and kisses me before whispering against my lips, “I love you too, Ronan.”
I lift her up and walk toward the wall where there aren’t any pictures. Gently, I press her against it as I kiss her, my cock aching to be inside her. Everyone is downstairs focused on having a good time, so why shouldn’t we have our own up here?
“Ronan, what if anyone…”
She doesn’t get to finish her question before I move her panties aside and slide a finger inside her pussy. Wet and ready for me, she moans against my lips as I attempt to unzip my pants while trying to hold her up with my other hand.
Excited, Kate changes her tune and moans as I get my hard cock out. “Hurry before someone comes up.”
I move my hands under her so I can hold her up while we fuck. She kisses me long and deep while she grinds against the front of my pants, ratcheting up my need for her.
Knowing we may not have much time, I thrust into her, and she takes all of me down to my balls. She feels so fucking good. I wish we had all night because we’d be able to take our time and do it right, but knowing my family, I’m betting at least one of my brothers will be interrupting us at any moment.
Kate looks over toward the door, so I gently take her chin between my fingers and direct her attention back to me. “Don’t worry about anyone bothering us. We’re okay.”
She nods and kisses me. “I’m just afraid one of your brothers…”
With each thrust into her, I swear I’m in heaven. I squeeze her beautiful ass and dip my head so I can kiss her neck. My nose fills with the scent of her perfume that never fails to remind me of springtime when we first started going out. Soft and flowery, it’s a smell I’ll always connect to how much I love her.
Kate scratches her fingernails across the top of my back and says, “Oh, God…don’t stop…Please don’t stop!”
Her pussy tightens around my cock, and I’m sure she’ll come at any moment. God, she feels so good. I’m almost there. Just a few more thrusts into her and I’ll come.
Suddenly, my bedroom door flies open and slams off the wall behind it, startling us. Theo and Kellen come walking in like they have any fucking business being in my room.
I quickly set Kate on her feet even as she’s in mid-orgasm and push her behind me. My brothers stand in front of us staring, and a quick glance at what their gazes are focused on reminds me my dick is out.
“What? Why the hell are you two in my room?” I bark as I stuff my cock back in my pants and pull up my zipper.
“Did we interrupt anything?” Theo asks before trying to look around me. “Kate, you might want to fix your dress.”
“Getting busy? You two are bad,” Kellen says with a laugh.
“Get out!” I snap before marching toward them.
They run out, laughing like the jackasses they are. I slam the door closed and turn around to see Kate hurrying into the bathroom. I follow her in there to make sure I look okay and not like I was just having sex, and I find her standing in front of the mirror.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I walk behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. “My brothers are assholes.”
Worry fills her eyes as she stares at me in the mirror. “You don’t think they saw anything, do you?”
Even as I shake my head and reassure her they saw nothing, I honestly have no idea. I don’t care either. Kate does, though, so I know I have to make her think they couldn’t have seen a thing.
“Forget them. I’m sorry they came in.”
Kate turns around and tucks my shirt into my pants before kissing me sweetly. “Maybe we should just go downstairs and rejoin the party. We have New Year’s Eve in only a few days, so we can wait, right?”
I don’t have any choice but to agree with her. “Yeah, New Year’s.”
Leave it to my brothers to ruin our good time.
Shaking my head, I get rid of that memory as I remind myself of the night I had to tell her I slept with that girl. I’d never made Kate cry before then, and she had no idea how bad I felt watching her react to that terrible news. Not that I didn’t deserve to feel like shit. I knew what I did fucked everything up.
I push my feelings down and replace them with the anger that’s never far away. It’s good I made her cry then and gave her a reason to break up with me. That way she can understand there’s no place in my world for her.
A broken person like me has no business being with the likes of Kate.