Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
R onan
I watch as Kate eats the cake I asked Eleanor to specially make for her and can’t stop wishing I didn’t fuck things up between us. Even something as small as her love of chocolate I miss. I threw away the best thing in my life for nothing that night, and I’ve regretted it ever since.
She hasn’t flinched once when she’s around me, unlike most people do when they see my missing hand. I get it. It’s a shock when they first encounter it. My family has gotten used to it, but Kate doesn’t even seem to notice.
Maybe it doesn’t matter to her.
That’s stupid. Of course, it matters to her. It matters because I’m missing a fucking hand. You only get two, and I don’t have both anymore. That doctor I see wants me to believe it’s not a big deal. That it bothers me more than it does anyone else, but how could someone like Kate ever accept a man who isn’t whole?
“Now I’m sure there’s something on my face or chocolate in my teeth,” she says, hiding behind her napkin.
“Nope. Still nothing.”
I wouldn’t care if she had it all over her face. I’d still love just sitting here watching her enjoy it.
We don’t begin talking again, so as she finishes that first piece and I serve her a second, I try to remember a time recently that I felt like I do now. Happy. Content. I don’t have the love of life I used to have back yet, although that doctor claims it will return sometime, but I haven’t felt this good since the accident.
It’s not that I don’t want to feel good. Fuck, who wants to be miserable all the time? Anyone who thinks I like hating myself and my life is sadly mistaken. It’s not something I choose. It’s just what happens when I wake up in the morning and look down to see it’s not all simply a nightmare and my hand is still gone.
This morning I woke up feeling something different, though. Today, I saw my hand was missing when my eyes opened, but I didn’t immediately want to pull the covers over my head and hide away from the world. I was excited to see Kate and have lunch with her. I could barely contain my anticipation all day until she arrived.
I remember feeling this way when she and I were dating in high school. When she said yes to going out with me that first day I stopped at her locker and asked her out, I was so happy I couldn’t focus on anything but where we’d go that Friday. I don’t recall anything about the rest of that school day or the rest of the week, for that matter. All I could think about was my date with Kate.
My brothers took great pleasure making fun of me, but I didn’t care. Nothing ever mattered because she was mine.
And then I blew it, and here we are nearly five years later, and I’d give anything to have her feel for me what I feel for her. Things have changed, though. I’m no longer the high school athlete with all the confidence in the world. Now I’m this person who spends all his time here at my brother’s because my family doesn’t trust me to be alone.
If they only knew how much having Kate around made me want to live like a normal person again.
“You’re quiet. I wish you had something you like for dessert.”
I smile and shake my head. I don’t need anything else right now. Just being here with her is enough to make my day.
But I can’t say that to her. I have no idea how she feels about me. She seems to have forgiven me for what I did, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into her wanting to be with me again. Even if I had two hands, I don’t know if that’s what she’d want.
“I’m good. I’m just glad you like the cake.”
When she finishes, she sets her fork down on the plate and sighs. “I know you liked that I never cared about calories, but two pieces of cake might mean I need to do an extra workout today.”
“Would you like to take a walk?”
She’s excited by that suggestion, but then says, “Do you mean at the park down along the river? It’s warm out today, but it would be nice to see it again. I haven’t been down there in ages.”
“No, I meant around here. It’s a big estate. We could go for a long walk, if you want.”
I hate disappointing her, but I can’t leave here. Not yet.
Still, she seems happy with my idea and nods before standing up. “Okay! I’ll have to go barefoot because there’s no way I can walk in those shoes. They couldn’t even get me down the road without failing me.”
As I stand to join her, I say, “Then we’ll keep to the grass. It’ll feel cool on your feet.”
We take everything from our lunch inside and leave it on the kitchen counter before walking across the road to start our walk. When Kate takes off her shoes, she loses at least three inches of height, and I remember how small she always seemed next to me.
“Why do you wear them if they’re so hard to walk in?” I ask as we head toward the back of the estate.
Kate swings the shoes in front of her and shrugs. “I hate that I’m not as tall as I want to be, so to fix that, I wear heels. In my defense, I had no idea you had such a wonderful lunch planned at the carriage house. I thought we’d just sit in the kitchen at the house.”
“Well, I wanted to do something special for our first time together.”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I realize what I meant didn’t come out right. She notices it too, and I swear she blushes, just like on our first date when I slipped up and told her I’d been thinking about her for a while before I asked her out.
But before I can clarify I wasn’t talking about us running up to my bedroom and getting naked, I feel her hand touch my left hand. Looking down, I see her holding it as we walk.
Maybe she does care, after all.
“Tell me about this house in Rome,” she says, stepping over a tiny patch of clover. “Did you ever live there or just visit?”
I give her the best description of the place as far as I remember it, and she listens with rapt attention. Then she asks a question about its location, but it’s been so long since I’ve been there that I don’t know the exact address.
“That’s okay. I was wondering if maybe I had seen it when I was there.” Very quietly, she continues, “Maybe one day we can go there, and you can show me it in person.”
She has no idea how much that thrills me even thinking about that. If only I could tell her that might happen, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go all the way to Rome again. Even the thought of all those people in the city seeing me like I am now makes me think that can never be.
I don’t want to make her think I’m a complete mess, so I force a smile and nod. “That would be nice.”
We’re quiet for a long time as we walk holding hands toward the rear of the estate. I never come out this far anymore, and I don’t know what it even looks like these days. Matthias has a beautiful place here, and I’m happy to see the people he’s got landscaping it are keeping it like it was when my parents had the property.
“I’ve always loved this place,” Kate says in a dreamy voice.
Surprised, I look over at her and see her expression is pure bliss. “I loved growing up here. It was like we had our own private place to get lost in. My brothers and I weren’t supposed to go past where my mother couldn’t see us, but we always did. Then she’d come out to find us, and she always looked the same when she finally did. She’d have her hands on her hips, and she would shake her head. She didn’t even have to yell at us. We just knew when we saw that we were in trouble.”
Kate listens to my story and the next one I tell about the day Theo fell out of a tree at the edge of the estate. I talk about how angry my mother was when she had to walk all the way out there to find my older brother had broken his leg and how we all were grounded for a week after that, forced to stay inside.
“Not that hanging out in the game room was really any sort of punishment,” I say with a laugh. “I know Marius didn’t think it was since he spent the whole time shooting pool.”
My mention of the one King brother she’s sure hates her gets Kate’s attention, and after a few long moments of silence, she quietly asks, “Why is he back here? I’m sure he has a house of his own somewhere, right?”
“He likes to check up on me. He pretends like he isn’t here for that reason, but I think that’s it.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know why, but before I can stop myself, I add, “He was the one who found me. After I tried to…”
My sentence remains hanging in the air, unfinished because I instantly regret bringing up trying to kill myself. We were having a wonderful time, and now it’s all gone to hell because I couldn’t keep that to myself.
But Kate doesn’t shy away from that conversation. “You mean when you tried to commit suicide?” she asks in a voice full of emotion.
I nod, still regretting I brought it up. “Yeah. I’m sorry. That just sort of came out. I didn’t mean to bring down our good time.”
She stops walking and slips her hand out of mine. In a flash, that regret I felt a second ago mushrooms until all I want to do is go back to my room. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I just have to not fuck it up.
Kate steps in front of me and stares up into my eyes. “I hate thinking you were so unhappy you tried to do that. I know why you would. I get it. But if you ever feel anything even close to that, promise me you’ll call me, Ronan. I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing, I’ll come over, and we can talk it out. Or if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine too. We can just sit in silence. All that matters is you don’t go through with it.”
No one outside my family has ever said anything like that to me. Her kindness makes my breath catch in my chest.
“I don’t want to do that. Not anymore. I was in a really dark place after the accident. I got strung out on the painkillers they gave me, and when I had to stop them, things got bad. I hid it from everyone, but that one day I couldn’t imagine going on. So I tried, but Marius found me, thank God.”
With a smile, she takes my left hand and gives it a squeeze. “Then maybe I had him all wrong. Maybe he’s a good guy after all.”
“He is. He’s just a pain in the ass sometimes. Don’t take anything he says seriously. He just likes to bust ass.”
“Well, even if he hates me, I can’t hate him now because he made it possible for us to be here on this beautiful day in this beautiful place.”
I silently finish her sentence as we start off walking again. With a beautiful woman.
When she takes my hand this time, I feel like the entire world is lifted off my shoulders. That day when I wanted to leave this world, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling this good again. Now I can’t imagine even considering taking my own life.
Kate begins talking about her job she starts later this summer, and I listen to every word, happier than I remember feeling since my accident. I can tell she’s nervous about finally having a full-time teaching position, but I can’t think of a better person to work with third graders.
“You’re going to be great at it. I know it.”
Fear fills her expression. Blowing the air out of her lungs, she says, “I hope so. I don’t want to screw up some poor little kid’s mind. All I’ve ever wanted to be was a teacher. You know that. I’m sure you’re bored of me talking about it since I’ve been obsessed with being a teacher from when I was fifteen and I got to be junior counselor at summer camp.”
The way she says that makes it seem like we’ve been together all that time, and I like that. I regret nothing more in my life than what I did to break us up. It was stupid, and I swore to myself so many times if I ever had the chance to make it up to her, I would.
Now I have that chance, but can I do it as the man I am now?
“So I start in August, but I’ve already been gathering ideas and supplies. I guess I’m a little excited about it.”
The way she says that makes me think she feels like she should be ashamed of feeling that way. I don’t like that. Kate has never been as confident as she should be. She has so much going for her, the best thing being that she cares about people. She’s the perfect example of who should be a teacher.
“Hey, I want you to think positively. You’re going to be great.”
She sighs and looks down toward her feet as we keep walking toward the edge of the estate. “You know me. I don’t have the confidence I wish I had. I know I can do it. I guess I just don’t act like it.”
“I know, but you’ve got this.”
Kate turns to look at me and shakes her head. “I wish I could be like you.”
“Like me?” I ask, not understanding why she’d want to be anything like the person I am now.
“You’re always so confident. I remember thinking when we dated that you were always so sure you could do things, and then you’d do them like they were so easy. I wish I had that kind of confidence.”
I don’t say it, but I wish I had it now too. Those days are gone, though. Now I spend all my time hiding out here on this estate wishing I could go back in time and never get into my car on New Year’s Eve.
Not every moment of my time here, though. The past week seeing Kate has made me feel better.
“You aren’t like me. You have your own type of confidence, and I think that’s just what a teacher should have. I was cocky. You’ve got the goods and can deliver on your abilities. Never forget that.”
Like she did when I mentioned my suicide attempt, she stops walking and moves in front of me just as we reach a huge oak tree. Standing in its shade, she keeps holding my hand and looks up at me.
“Hey, you had the goods and could deliver on your ability too. Don’t forget that.”
Even thinking about playing ball makes my chest hurt, and this moment is no different. I lower my head to avoid showing her how low I feel compared to the person I used to be.
“That was a different time and place. I can’t think about that now.”
Kate steps toward me and lets go of my hand. I look at her, wondering if what I said turned her off, but then she wraps her arms around me in a hug I never expected.
“Then don’t think about it, but don’t forget you’re the same person you’ve always been, Ronan King.”
I put my arms around her as she tilts her head back and looks up at me sternly. “You don’t want me to have to put on my teacher face, now do you?”
She always could make me smile when the world felt like it was coming down around me. I shake my head at her silly threat and chuckle.
“I definitely don’t want to get the teacher face.”
“Then no more forgetting who you are. No matter what you look like or what you do, you’re the same person you’ve always been. Remember that, okay?”
“Okay.”
I expect her to step back away from me and release me from the hug, but she tightens her hold and rests her head on my chest. Looking down, I can’t believe she’s standing here in my arms again. I doubted I’d ever get this chance another time, even though it’s all I wanted for so long.
Then that was pushed out by how full of misery I was after my accident. I don’t want to feel that way now, though. I want to feel this, the happiness coursing through me as I stand here with the one girl I’ve always loved hugging me.
I want to feel love and show her love again.
Touching the top of her head, I run my hand over her silky brown hair. I always loved how soft Kate’s hair felt. Like something expensive and luxurious only few people in the world have the pleasure of possessing.
That’s what she’s like. Something rare and beautiful only a great man can possess.
But can that man be me again?