Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
R onan
As I hang out in my room after Kate leaves, I realize I don’t want to be cooped up in here anymore. Our lunch and the walk we took together made me see I hate hiding out now.
I make my way downstairs to find Eleanor alone in the kitchen. After grabbing a glass of soda, I sit down at the table and wait for her to finish at the stove.
She’s a few minutes, but when she turns around to see me, she’s happy. “Ronan! I didn’t know anyone had come in. How was the lunch? I saw you brought back much of the cake. Didn’t Kate like it?”
Quickly, I move to assure her everything was great. “No, she loved it. She had both pieces. She loved the shrimp kabobs too. Thank you for helping me with the whole thing.”
Eleanor’s round face lights up at my compliments. “Oh, I’m so happy. Why didn’t she take any home with her?”
Sheepishly, I answer, “Because I forgot to offer. I’m a little rusty with the ins and outs of dates.”
Waving that away like it’s an impossibility she refuses to consider, Eleanor washes her hands and then joins me at the table. Sitting across from me, she sighs and then wipes away a stray crumb from next to her.
“You know, Ronan, I think you’ve made a lot of progress recently. I’d say Kate has a lot to do with that, but it’s mostly you. I get the sense you’ve decided you’ve had enough of hanging out in your bedroom.”
I nod and gently correct her. “Hiding out, you mean.”
She smiles at how I accurately put what I’ve been up to for nearly two months since I came here. “Well, hiding out works too. I’m just glad to see you happy. I’ve been waiting for that for so long.”
“I think everyone has.”
“You know, I’ve watched you grow into a good man, Ronan. I always knew you would be. Your mother and I used to sit down here at this very table when you were a baby in her arms and talk about what your future would be like. Your father was sure you’d be great at business, of course, but she believed you had a different future. She didn’t know what, though, and that bothered her because with all four of your brothers, she could sense what theirs would be.”
Eleanor stops and sighs again. “Well, not Theo, although she was sure he was going to make a big splash in the world, no matter what he did. But she knew Matthias would be an artist, even though she also understood your father was going to make sure he took over the company someday. She hoped it would be later than sooner. And with Kellen, she sensed from when he was small that he’d be a titan of industry. That’s what she called him.”
I have to smile at the idea that my mother knew that about my Kellen. He’s always been the bossiest of all of us.
“And Marius. Well, she had a feeling he had the artistic gene in him too, and she was right. But with you, she wasn’t sure what you’d turn out to be, but I know she always believed you’d be someone people would look up to. Not in a business or artistic way, but I remember her telling me she had a feeling her last child would be someone who touched people.”
Hearing my mother believed I’d be someone special makes me happy, but I can’t help but wonder what she’d think of me now. Whatever incredible things I was going to do can’t happen anymore. I doubt anyone is looking up to me after all that’s happened.
“I hope she’s not looking down right now with disappointment,” I say in a low voice, avoiding Eleanor’s gaze.
She reaches across the table and gently touches my left hand. “Oh, no. Ronan, your mother adored you. Your father too. You have no idea how happy she was when you were born.”
“Kellen used to always tell me they should have stopped with him,” I say with a laugh, remembering how he’d throw that in my face when he was angry as a kid.
“She and your father didn’t know if she could have another baby after Kellen since she had such a hard time with him. When she found out she was pregnant again, the doctors warned her that it could be a difficult pregnancy that may risk you or her or both of you, but she never wavered. And oh, did she have morning sickness with you! We went through more saltines in those nine months than this house has seen in thirty years! But then you were born, and I swear I never saw her happier. Of course, she then told your father they were done having kids.”
“Well, you know what they say. Stop when you finally get it right.”
“She believed in you, honey. Your mother never doubted for a second that you were someone special. I know she’s looking down from heaven and seeing how hard things have been for you and wishing she could help.”
I know Eleanor is simply trying to be nice, but I can’t deny hearing how much my mother thought I’d do in this world depresses me. She was gone before she saw me do anything with my life, and now that’s all I can look back on with pride since nothing I’m doing now is worth much.
Standing from the table, I smile and say, “Thanks, Eleanor. For everything.”
As I step into the hallway, I nearly run into Sabrina standing just outside the kitchen. “Hey! I didn’t want to interrupt you and Eleanor since I heard you two were talking. Are you going somewhere?”
I almost answer the same place I’m always at, but I stop myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of the day in my room.
“Not sure. Maybe for a walk.”
That seems to thrill her, for some reason. “Great! I’ll come too! We can talk.”
Unsure what she wants to discuss, I shrug and start walking back toward the door in the kitchen. Maybe I’ll take a walk around the estate again. It’ll remind me of Kate.
Sabrina hurries to keep up with me as we walk across the front grass. As we pass the gardener named Leo tending to the flowers planted around the front of the house, I give him a casual nod and he returns the gesture.
“Hey, have you ever gotten a message from your mother?”
I turn to look at her and shake my head. “My mother died when I was only ten. I don’t think she left me any message, though.”
Pushing on my left arm, she laughs. “Not that kind of message, silly. No, I mean a message like you know she’s trying to tell you something but not with words.”
Leave it to the babysitter to believe in new age bullshit. Where did Ava find this person?
I continue walking, already wondering why I let her come with me. “I don’t believe in stuff like that.”
“Well, that explains why you’ve never gotten one. She’s probably been trying this whole time, but you’re not listening.”
Not really one who rolls his eyes, I make an exception for her now. “That’s ridiculous. She can’t tell me anything. She’s dead.”
Bizarrely, that seems ridiculous to Sabrina, and she twists her face into a grimace. “Not speaking. Seriously, open your mind, Ronan. There are ways people who’ve left us can still send us messages they want us to hear. You just have to keep an open mind and keep your eyes open. A sign can be anything, so pay attention.”
“Uh-huh.”
She stops and nudges my left arm again, forcing me to stop walking. “Fine. You don’t have to believe me, but I bet your mother is trying to send you a message right now. Probably wants to tell you to stop being so narrow-minded.”
“I highly doubt it.”
Even though Sabrina can’t know it since she knows next to nothing about me, I’d love to get a message from my mother or my father. I’d love to know if they see something better for me than what I’m dealing with now.
But that doesn’t happen, no matter how much this hippy-dippy woman wants to believe it does.
“Do me a favor, okay? Think about your mother and try to find one thing that reminds you of her. That’s all I ask. And if you happen to see something in the next few days that is the same as that thing you thought of, then that’s your mother trying to send you a message.”
Still not buying any of this, I ask, “And what exactly would she be trying to tell me?”
Sabrina smiles and pokes her finger into my abs. “That’s for you to figure out. Time for me to go get Theo for some play time!”
With that, she spins on her heel and walks away back toward the house. I really need to ask my brother where they found this person.
What nonsense.
As I continue walking, my mind goes back to a sunny summer day much like this one when my mother and I walked out to the grove of trees on the far right side of the estate. My brothers and I were given strict instructions never to go there alone, but this time my mother took me with her. I don’t remember what she needed to go out there for. I don’t remember much of what we talked about on our way there, although I know we talked since my mother believed talking to children was one of the most important things a parent could do.
What I do remember is a rabbit sitting under one of the trees. I wanted to touch it, but my mother told me only to look. As we stood there holding hands, the rabbit nibbled on something and then hopped away.
Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be looking for. But that rabbit’s long gone by now.
Jesus, now Sabrina has me buying into her nonsense.
Matthias calls for me from his office, so I walk down the hall and stop in the doorway. “What’s up?”
“Just wondering how things went down at the carriage house.”
With a smile, I nod and answer, “Great! Thanks for letting me use it for a little while. We had lunch and then went for a walk. It was nice. I was thinking maybe of doing that again next week.”
My brother seems excited by my idea. “Feel free to use it whenever you need to. I won’t be able to spend much time down there this week or next because of work, so at least someone will get to enjoy the space.”
“Thanks!”
I turn to leave and what Sabrina said earlier pops into my head. Spinning back around, I say, “Hey, I know this is going to sound stupid, but have you ever seen any rabbits around the estate?”
He thinks for a long moment and nods. “I saw one a few years ago. I was sitting out under the big tree on the west lawn drawing, and I swear one posed for me so I could sketch it. I was surprised it was willing to sit that long for me. I got nearly everything sketched out on him but his fur.”
“Interesting. Thanks! I’ll let you get back to work.”
Matthias cocks an eyebrow and asks, “Any reason you’re asking me about rabbits?”
“Just something Sabrina said to me earlier. By the way, where did you guys find her?”
My brother smiles. “She’s Ava’s friend Eden’s cousin. Or something like that. All I know is she’s related to Eden in some way and was able to start immediately.”
His mention of Eden brings me back to last year when Marius, Kellen, and I were hanging out at that party Matthias and Ava had. “Eden, the one that Marius is always denying he has any interest in but is always checking out? That Eden?”
“The very one,” Matthias answers with a laugh.
That’s also interesting, although I’m not sure why. Perhaps someone should mention to my brother that the girl he was hitting on out at the pool is related to the one he likes. Then again, knowing Marius, he’d be fine with that.
“Where is he anyway? He blew in like the wind, and I haven’t seen him much since.”
“He went into the city to see Kellen and Salem. I think he’s coming back tomorrow? I’m not sure. You know him. He comes. He goes. He’s pretty much like that wind you mentioned.”
That’s the best description of Marius King I’ve ever heard.
“All right. I’m going to handle a few things. I’ll see you later, Matthias.”
As I begin to walk away, he says, “I’m glad to see you out more. I hope that means you’re feeling better.”
I look back and shrug. “A little. Some days more than others.”
With the thought that maybe Sabrina isn’t completely out of her mind with that woo-woo stuff she was talking about, I walk back outside and head for the big tree that Matthias mentioned. I know that rabbit he saw is long gone, but who knows? Maybe one of his descendants is around.
After ten minutes of waiting and not seeing any rabbits at the tree, I start walking. A half hour later, I’ve seen nothing close to a rabbit and I’m at the far edge of the estate. I look around for a few minutes, but nothing.
God, I really am an idiot for listening to Sabrina. It’s just that the thought of my mother sending me a message made me hopeful.
So much for that.
I walk back to the house and see her sitting in the kitchen with little Theo in his high chair. Plopping down in a seat across from her, I say, “I looked and saw nothing that could mean any message. I think you’re full of it.”
She doesn’t seem fazed by my irritation at her silly ideas, though. “Did you let your mother know you were listening?”
God, this person is tiring.
“First of all, you never mentioned anything about having to tell her I was listening. And second of all, how the hell am I supposed to do that? Talk to the air?” I ask, not even trying a little to hide my disgust.
“Then how would she know you wanted to hear from her?” she asks in all seriousness.
Disgusted I’m even having this conversation, I look over at Theo as he once again makes a mess with his Cheerios. “If it was really her, she’d know without me having to say a word,” I grumble.
Theo smiles at me, so I take one of his little oat rings and pop it into my mouth. He’s got the idea. Don’t listen to the idiocy this woman serves up and instead simply focus on playing with your food.
I stand to leave, tired of talking to Sabrina, but as I walk out of the kitchen, she calls out, “You have to at least give her a head’s up. Tell her you want a sign!”
Without bothering to respond, I walk back outside. The truth is I’d love to get a message from my mother. I may think Sabrina is full of shit, but I wish she wasn’t. Even knowing my mother sees me would make me happy.
I walk back toward the big tree as I try to talk myself into actually talking to my mother. When I’m sure no one is around and no one can see me, I look up and say, “Mom, are you there? If you’re there, give me a sign. Send a rabbit like the one we saw that time.”
When I finish, I regret not saying something about letting me know she isn’t disappointed in me, so I add, “I just want to know you still think I’m capable of doing something special and not some loser.”
I look around in anticipation, but I see no rabbits. Maybe it takes time.
So I keep walking, enjoying the hot summer day. The temperature has to be close to ninety today. When all of us were small, we loved days like this. The hotter the better. My mother and Eleanor used to warn us not to wear ourselves out in the heat, but we never listened. They’d insist we take water breaks, but the last thing we wanted to do was come in the house when we were having fun.
I loved growing up here. There was space to run and play, and no matter what season it was, we enjoyed ourselves. With five of us, I always had someone to pester. I had a childhood I can look back on and know was good.
Except for the fact that my mother died. She never got to see me grow up. Never got to see me meet Kate. Never got to see me play ball.
Like every time I think about what I dreamed of doing, I glance down at where my missing right hand should be and wince. I wish she had been able to see me even once play baseball.
Looking around, I wonder if she can see me now. If she can, is she as disappointed as I am at what my life has become?
I see another large tree ahead, so I walk toward it and sit down in the shade it offers. Wiping my forehead, I close my eyes and think about how I’d be playing ball now if it weren’t for my accident. I’d be out on the field, just in from the grass where I always played. I can practically smell the scent of fresh cut grass fill my nostrils.
For the first time since I was a little boy, I haven’t watched even a single game on TV this year. I tried, but I could only watch a few seconds of a Yankees game before I had to turn it off. It hurt too much knowing that’s all I ever wanted to do and that dream will never happen for me now.
Tears burn my eyes, so I wipe them away. When I open my eyes, I’m stunned to see a rabbit sitting not five feet away. It’s just staring at me, like it thinks it knows who I am or can’t figure out what I’m doing out here with him.
I wait for it to move, but it doesn’t. For a second or two, I wonder if someone is pranking me and put a rabbit figurine there for me to see. That doesn’t make sense, though, since I haven’t told anyone what I asked my mother to send me for a sign.
Is this for real?
After a minute or so, I start talking to it. The rabbit remains still, so I say, “I hear you might be a sign. Know anything about that?”
Still, he doesn’t move. He simply stares at me. So I continue.
“I asked my mother to give me a sign she can see me and isn’t disappointed in me. I’d like to think that’s you. To be honest, I need it to be you. I’m struggling here. I want to get back to a normal life, but I’m a mess. The girl I loved and lost is back, and all I can think is I’m going to lose her again. I want to be the person I used to be, but I can’t be.”
Stopping, I hold up my right arm for the silent rabbit still staring at me, and I’m surprised when it doesn’t flinch at my movement. “Because of this. I don’t know what to do now that I can’t do what I’ve always dreamed of doing. I don’t have to do anything, I guess. I have enough money to just lie around. I don’t want to do that, though.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling some of my sadness leave with it. “What would you do if you lost one of your paws? It would suck. Trust me. Then again, it would probably be worse for you since you walk on all four of your legs. The thing is, though, I needed the hand I lost to play ball. That’s all I ever wanted to do, and I finally got my chance. And then, one night, in a flash, the chance was gone. So now I hang out here and chat up rabbits in my spare time. Nice, huh?”
He stares at me, and I feel compelled to say what I never utter out loud. Lowering my voice, I say, “If this is you, Mom, let me know I didn’t let you down. Show me something that will let me think you’re watching over me.”
I finish talking and watch as the rabbit appears to nod his head before hopping away. Tears fill my eyes at the thought that this was really my sign.
Tilting my head back, I look up through the green leaves above me toward the sky. “Thanks for listening, Mom. I love you. I miss you so much. It’s been so hard these past few months. I wish you were here.”
By the time I get back to the house, I feel like a new man. Maybe that whole rabbit thing was just one living creature watching another ramble on about his life, but maybe it was what Sabrina claimed would happen.
All I know is I want today to be a new start for my life. And for Kate and me.