Chapter 26 #2
Sometimes you have to know when to circle the wagons and regroup. Now is one of those times.
But not for long. I cannot let her go tonight without ensuring she knows how dangerous the situation has become.
The walk back to the car should give me enough time to reassess. I’ll try again on the ride home. I’ll drive the long way if I need to. And stand outside her bedroom window all night until she hears me out.
About five minutes into our return stroll, she wordlessly reaches for my hand. As I entwine our fingers, it feels as if she extended an olive branch. Then again, maybe this is part of her manipulation. I’m not the only one with a job to do today.
We both know what game the other is playing.
Halfway back to the car, the comfortable vibe has returned for the most part. She even points out a few more birds.
“Reed?” She brushes her hair away from her face with her free hand. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why do you hang around the casino? Aside from the one time when you were obviously messing with me, I’ve never seen you play.”
My brows furrow tightly, and tension settles onto my shoulders. “Um. That’s uh . . .”
Words trailing off, I lick my lips while wondering if I’m strong enough to confess this to her. It isn’t something I’ve discussed with anyone. Ever.
By the lake, she shared some of her dark side with me. I’m sure she wants to even the playing field. Makes sense.
Lila pulses our joined hands. “Never mind. I can see you’d rather not talk to me about it.”
I despise the disappointment in her tone. When I glance her way, her expression broadcasts it in screaming color. From the downturn of her cheeks and the worried pinch of skin at her temples.
Desperate to drive those emotions away, I blurt out the truth. “When Dad got really sick, I started gambling. To cope or something. It became a huge problem for me. Started taking over my life.”
The confession surprises me, and it frees up some of the space under my ribs. If I give her a little more, maybe I can breathe easier. “It became an addiction. It was the only way I felt alive.”
She tugs on my hand, slowing our pace. “Oh, Reed. I’m so sorry.”
My head slants to the side. “Why? It isn’t your fault.”
Her face falls, and she seems to struggle to find the words. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m sorry for bringing it up. Or that it happened to you in the first place. Or because you’re suffering. I guess I’m just sorry.”
Sweet woman.
“Don’t be. I’m better now.”
Mostly.
She waves a mosquito away from her face. “Shouldn’t you avoid casinos? That’s like an alcoholic hanging around a bar.”
I give her a pull toward the car so I can get her away from the bugs. “That’s exactly what it’s like. I needed to prove I could do it.”
“Prove to whom?”
“Myself. My adopted parents, especially Mom. My birth parents who abandoned me. I don’t know.
Just wanted to be stronger than my addiction.
I figured if I could sit there and not piss away my money, then I’d know I was back in control.
And I’d never lose myself to anything again.
It’s my form of exposure therapy. I’ve been wearing down my urges, little by little.
I started small, just driving to the casino and sitting in the parking lot for a few minutes.
That was it. Then I’d walk in and back out. And on from there.”
With each broken piece I reveal to her, the smoother the jagged edges of my soul become. I expected the opposite. As if exposing my demons would abrade me, bringing their claws to the surface again.
But that isn’t happening. Because I’m sharing this with her, not with someone who would judge me unfairly.
“And is it working?” she asks.
“Yes, I think so.” My nod steadily grows more emphatic as belief sets in. “I was able to sit at your table that day, place a few bets, and leave. It hasn’t kept me up at night. And I haven’t relapsed. So I’d say it’s been effective.”
“That’s impressive. Good for you. I bet you’re proud.”
I like her praise more than I should. However, I’ve always been greedy for Lila’s attention.
With a dejected huff, she lets her head sag. “I feel so stupid.”
With my car in sight, I fish the key out of my pocket and hit the self-start button to cool the interior. “Why?”
“All this time, I thought you might be there to mess with me. Jerk me around some more or something. Turns out, it had nothing to do with me.”
Head kicking back reflexively, I scoff at the implication. “Jerk you around some more?”
Aside from the last few interactions regarding the case, I’ve never intentionally fucked with Lila. In any way.
Period.
Which is why it hurt so much when she used and discarded me a few years ago.
And now those wounds are at the surface, causing irritation to overtake me.
I might be strong enough to beat my gambling addiction, but forcing myself to be around Lila is proving to be a far cry more challenging. Wanting her this desperately while still being gutted about what happened last time is a recipe for certain disaster.
All this time, I’ve kept my mouth shut about how it went down. I figured it’d be better to leave it in the past for now. Bringing it up could’ve jeopardized my chance to do my job.
But that ends this second. I’m so fucking sick of this shit.
“Lila, enough with the snide comments about what happened. It’s pissing me off. Be straight with me.”
Instead of explaining her unjust accusation, she thrusts my hand away and storms off. Her pace picks up as she barrels to the car.
I catch up easily, placing my hand on the passenger door to stop her from opening it. “Turn around and look at me, please. We’re having this out right now.”
Her shoulders fall with a weighted exhale. “Just forget it, Reed. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“I’m physically incapable of forgetting it.
This is the second time you’ve said something like that in the last half hour alone.
Accusing me of an unknown transgression.
I don’t fucking get it. If I did something to hurt you, then tell me.
Because the last time I checked, it was you who did the jerking around. Pun not intended.”
When she spins around, her face crumples in a mask of confusion with flickers of anger behind her eyes. “Don’t play dumb. You know what you did.”
I fling my empty hands to the side. “Clearly, I don’t know, Lila. That’s why I’m asking—no begging—for you to tell me what the fuck you’re talking about.”
There’s a twitch under her eye that ripples down to the corner of her mouth. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I have no idea why you’re mad at me. I never did anything to hurt you.”
Her chestnut eyes become glassy. “Yes, you did.”
“What do you think I did?”
“Don’t turn this on me, Reed. Don’t you dare.
” She mashes her lips together in anger, then seethes, “I know all about her. You didn’t even wait twenty-four hours before you were in bed with another woman.
The very next night. That’s disgusting. After all we shared.
The things you said. Promises you made. How could you do that? ”
My world tilts sharply, making my vision wobble. “What woman?”
“Don’t—“
“Lila, I swear I don’t know who the hell you’re talking about. There was no other woman after you. Not for at least six months. Maybe more.”
It was more, but my pride doesn’t want her to know how badly I was burned.
“But I saw the picture of you and her cozied up—”
“I don’t know what picture you saw, but it wasn’t me. You’re projecting.”
Her eyes triple in size. “Projecting?”
“Yeah, because you had a boyfriend you didn’t tell me about.
He cheated on you, so you used me to get back at him.
Took advantage of me when I was vulnerable.
I was so damn honest with you. I meant everything I said.
You let me give you my heart, only to smash it.
And now you’re turning it around on me.”
Tears rain down her face, and her chin trembles. There’s a disbelieving shake to her head.
With an earnestness that has me questioning the last five years of my life, she ardently states, “Reed, there was nobody else. Ever. Not before you. I never had a boyfriend. Not a single one. In fact, you were the first man I was intimate with. Only my third kiss. I swear.”
“What? That’s impossible.”
She wipes her cascading tears with both hands. “Reed, who told you I had a boyfriend?”
Suddenly, everything makes sense.
How could I have been so fucking stupid?
I bet Lila knows exactly who told me. I can tell by the tremor in her voice and the shattered look in her eyes. And I hate to be the one who confirms her suspicion. I know it’ll hurt her, but the years of lies have hurt us both far more.
“Who told you I slept with another woman the night after we were together?”
“No. She wouldn’t do that.” More tears fall from her red-rimmed eyes, each one washing away a layer of what I once thought was her betrayal. “You’re lying. She’s my best friend, and there’s no way she’d lie about that. She knew how much I liked you.”
“She also knew how much I liked you. She didn’t want us to be together. Trust me, Lila. I know her MO. This has Kenzie written all over it.”
Lila shoves my chest. Not violently or forcefully. It’s just a tiny push, as if she’s hoping she can drive away the heartache before accepting the inevitable. I stand firm, unwilling to let her crumble on her own.
“Stop lying, Reed. I can’t. I don’t. No. Nooo. Kenzie would not do that to me. She’s my best friend.” Her voice cracks, the sound causing a fissure down my chest. “She’s all I have left.”
Lila stomps away, facing the parking lot and putting her back to me. Her hands flutter in front of her like she’s attempting to shake away the pain and betrayal.
Dying to hold her, I follow. When she hears my approach, she flings her hand behind her to halt my steps.
Standing frozen, I try to give her space. She balls her fists and silently screams into the wind.
I can’t watch her fall apart without comforting her, so I turn in the other direction and march toward the tree line. My anguish and fury are familiar companions, only this time they’re directed at the rightful cause. The one I should’ve seen coming from a mile away.
Fucking Kenzie.
Some things never change. She’s always wanted me to suffer. Because when I’m down, she’s even higher.
And she has a lifetime of practicing. Mom enabled her actions, molding her into the perfect mini-narcissist. Whenever I’d find the slightest whiff of happiness, Kenzie’d strip it away from me, just like Mom loved to do.
And Lila was . . . so much more than happiness.
She could have been my future.
She should’ve been.
Why didn’t I question Kenzie? Sure, she seemed upset when she told me, acting like she hated being the bearer of bad news. I remember her teary eyes as clear as yesterday. She said blood was thicker than water, which is ironic since she and I don’t share any. Family over friends, I figured.
But we were never family. I was a fool to take her word over Lila’s. Especially without proof. And we both paid the price.
I should have confronted Lila instead of burrowing into a hole like a coward. If I could do it again, I’d drive straight to her and make her tell me to my face. A simple conversation could have saved us both years of heartache.
Unfortunately, I didn’t do that. Another glaring mistake.
I tucked tail and left, drawing in on myself like I’ve always done.
I’d just lost the only father I’d ever known, after watching him wither for more than two anguish-filled years.
After what Mom did to Dad before their divorce, it was so easy to believe Kenzie’s lies.
In a way, it confirmed what I already believed.
But I was wrong. And we wasted so much time.
Well, that ends now. I refuse to spend another second held captive by a lie.
I turn on my heel, surprised to see Lila simultaneously turning toward me.
Like we’re mirrors.
Our eyes connect, locking into place. Her pain is palpable from ten feet away. All my regrets are hers too.
Without uttering a single word, I stride right over to her, cradle her damp cheeks in my palms, and slam our lips together.
Rapture.
Her scent. Her touch. Her skin. Her lips.
She’s perfection in my arms.
Lila’s equally as passionate. She wraps her arms around me desperately. Although there’s no space between us, she yanks me harder as if I’m still too far away.
Her lips are tinged with salt from her still-falling tears, which I kiss away as fast as they come. I know it isn’t enough to ease her ache. I’ll spend the rest of my life nursing the wound if that’s what it takes.
I let the silky feel of her mouth on mine soothe the jagged fragments of my soul and her sweetness drive away the bitterness inside me.
Our passion increases with each precious second we’re joined. Her hands roam over me, tenderness blending with a biting need for a deeper connection. Mine do the same as we continue mirroring each other.
One breath at a time, we pour our shared remorse into the kiss with a chorus of quiet whimpers and tempered moans.
She pulls our mouths apart while keeping our bodies pressed flush. Our raspy breaths drown out the pounding of my heart. Those same eyes that have haunted my dreams for years burn into me, filling me with healing light.
“Lila.” Still cupping her damp, rosy cheeks, I brush the last of her tears away with my thumbs. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to you back then. It was a mistake not to talk to you about it. If I had only—”
“I’m sorry too. I was just so hurt. I felt betrayed and used. And I wasn’t strong enough for a confrontation.”
“Me too,” I confess, the words somehow cleansing. “I won’t ever make that mistake again. I promise.”
Her chin wobbles. “You still want me?”
I exhale, shaking my head. “Lila, I never stopped wanting you.”
Fuck. It feels so damn good to finally say that. Out loud.
Morgan Freeman would be so proud of me.
Lila’s face slowly brightens, sadness quickly drowned by her typical vibrancy. “I’m sorry I said you had toe fungus and drive a stupid Cybertruck.”
We share a laugh that ends with our lips sealed together.
And for the first time in years, everything feels right. The way it should have been all along.
There’s only one thing that could make this moment better—reclaiming her body.
She must be on the same page because when we come up for air, she whispers, “Get me out of here, Reed. I need you.”
“What do you need?” I taunt, wanting her to say the words in whatever beautiful or chaotic way she can.
“You. Inside my body like you’re in my heart.”
“Couldn’t have said it better myself, cookie.”
And then my phone rings.
Fuck.