Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
This shit is for the birds
REED
Present Day
For the first time, I wish I had a different career. Wish I didn’t care about the law and justice. That I could just be a man in love with a woman.
This complicated woman.
With her sunshine and buried pain. With the intricate tapestry of emotions she refuses to reveal, often even hiding them from herself.
And with the familiar way she shields her tattered heart behind a carefully curated persona.
I recognize it because I do the same thing—only I use grunts and scowls, while her camouflage is far sweeter.
Lila is a mirror to my broken soul, calling out to me with an unspoken promise to make me whole.
Rather than heeding that call, I must retreat from the one thing my heart desires the most. Her.
And I fucking hate it.
As much as I long to pretend the bitter reality away, I can’t do that anymore. As daylight wanes, so do my opportunities to break through her walls to uncover the truth.
Time is up.
What will I do after I learn her secrets? No clue.
When I spot the entrance to the observation tower, I embrace the shitty inevitability. It’s the end of the road. Well, end of the boardwalk in this case.
My eyes travel to the top of the wooden tower overlooking the Hillsborough River. It’s only about fifty feet tall, but I bet it’s too high for Lila. No big deal. The view from the edge of the boardwalk is just as nice.
Gesturing toward the underside of the staircase, I say, “There’s an open bench by the water. Would you like to have a seat?”
“Absolutely. The humidity is making me melt. I can already feel the breeze coming off the water.”
Once we’re seated, she leans forward, craning her neck to see the top of the tower. “You might be able to convince me to go up there. It’s not that high. I’d probably survive.”
My eyes follow the same track. “It’s okay. I’m content here.”
She sighs, leaning back and pulling the hair off her neck. The same way I’ve seen her do a hundred times, she twists it and places it on one shoulder. And like every other time, I want nothing more than to drag my mouth along the exposed curve of her upper shoulder.
I cast my sights toward the water, refocusing on my mission. Once I think I can look at Lila without trying to get her naked, I sling an arm over the back of the bench and twist toward her. I’ll start out nice and easy. “How did you end up working at the casino?”
“I went to Oak Winds with Kenzie for her friend’s bachelorette party a few years ago.
It was an exciting place to be.” She raises one shoulder casually.
“I was tipsy chatting with a dealer named Kiona. She still works there, actually. I noticed how often people were tipping her. And she seemed to be having a blast. I’d probably had a few too many cocktails because I had the nerve to ask her how much she made in tips, which I wouldn’t even ask a friend if I were sober. ”
I nod, easily envisioning a buzzed Lila chatting up a dealer. “And it was a lot?”
“Way more than I was making as a barista at the time. So I figured, what the heck? I asked if they were hiring, and the rest is history.”
“So not some greater calling, huh?”
She purses her lips comically. “I’m fairly certain nobody has ever been called to work at a casino.” After glancing my way, she adds, “Present company excluded, the clientèle isn’t quite wholesome.”
My hand inches toward her silky smooth shoulder of its own volition. “That’s fair. Same with my job.”
“Speaking of, how’s work going? You finally got your dream job. That must be exciting.”
My thumb idly strokes her skin. “It comes with its challenges, that’s for sure. The hours and stress are rough. So much fucking paperwork. That’s one thing I didn’t expect. You don’t see FBI agents on TV doing paperwork, but it’s like sixty percent of our damn job.”
“Really?”
“Well, sometimes it’s a nice break.”
“From what?”
“You see a lot of bad shit. Nothing but the worst of society. In fact, this morning—” Grimacing, I stop myself from talking about that gory murder scene.
“This morning, what?” she prods gently.
“Nothing you want to hear about.”
“I’m sure it can’t be easy to deal with everything you see. If you ever need to talk, I’m here.”
“Some things are best left unspoken.”
She nods, raising her chin slightly. “I get that.”
“When I solve a case, the bad shit is easier to forget. Giving closure to the victims and their families is what it’s all about. If I have to deal with disturbing things to make the world a little safer, that’s my cross to bear. And I’ll do it without complaint.”
Before I can figure out how to pivot the topic, she brings her knee up on the bench and angles her body toward me. “Can I tell you a secret?”
Although her question sounds promising, I’m not getting my hopes up.
Hope can suck it.
“I’m all ears.”
She lowers her voice to just above a whisper. “I was always jealous of you.”
My jaw falls slack. “Huh? Why?”
“For knowing what path to take in life and making it happen. You had a noble dream and followed it. And the way you talk about your job, I can see how much it means to you.” An uncharacteristic frown darkens her expression.
“Unlike you, I’m still drifting through life without a compass.
Searching aimlessly for something to fill the void inside.
” She presses her fist against her chest. “In here.”
Her voice lowers to a whisper that damn near breaks me in two. “I’ll never have what you have.”
I skim my knuckles along her cheek. “Lila, even people who seem like they have it all figured out are just as rudderless. Maybe not about their career, but other things. I think everyone’s searching.”
She peers up at me with hope clouding her eyes. “Are you searching too, Reed?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.
“Do you know what you’re looking for?”
“I do. And I know when I lost it. But I don’t think I can get it back.”
With eyes shimmering with unshed tears, she exhales a big puff of air through those kissable lips.
Quickly, she shifts her body toward the water as if signaling a change. She lets the silence speak for several seconds before saying, “I know when mine was lost too. Unlike you, I know I can’t get it back. With a hundred percent certainty.”
I’ve seen Lila happy. I’ve seen her playful and snarky. I’ve seen her mussed with a sex glow. I’ve seen her when she’s aggravated with me. I’ve seen her pretending to be sunshine. And I’ve seen her moments of true warmth.
But I’ve never seen her this vulnerable, willingly exposing parts of her damaged soul. All her pretenses are gone. No armor remains. Before me is the real Lila Kent.
I fucking knew it.
Knew she was broken like me.
I just don’t know why.
I’m faced with two divergent paths. One is the route the FBI agent should take. I set out to earn her trust, and I’ve clearly done that. Her walls are down, so now is when I should ask the hard questions and find out what I need to know.
The second path is the one the man should take. A man helplessly enamored with her, who wants nothing more than to mean to her what she means to me. To be honest and forthright. Comfort her and accept her for who she is.
I don’t know which path to take.
Where is Morgan Freeman when I need him?
Maybe I can figure out how to do both.
Hoping this doesn’t backfire, I calmly ask, “Is that why you got involved with someone like Silas?”
Still avoiding my gaze, she wipes a stray tear from her cheek. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe what he offered was exciting. Perhaps you thought that going along with it would make you feel alive.” I pause to gauge her reaction before adding, “I don’t know. I’m just wondering how you ended up in his orbit. He’s dangerous.”
“Getting involved with Silas was the second biggest mistake of my life.”
That’s a bold statement.
Instead of asking her to elaborate, I wait her out. I suspect she’s on the verge of revealing her cards.
I bet she wants to tell me. Needs it even.
But she’s frightened.
“I met Silas at the casino. I fell for his flirty act. Honestly, it was flattering since most men ignore me.” She clicks her tongue dismissively. “I should’ve known better than to trust a guy with dimples.”
For the first time since the conversation took this solemn turn, she chances a look at me. And her glare is loaded with accusation, as if my dimples are to blame for her choices.
I’d like to laugh or tease her about that, but I don’t. I’ll keep waiting. If I know Lila, she’ll fill the silence.
Plus, if I speak now, I’ll reveal how much her comment about men ignoring her enrages me.
While picking at the hem of her shorts, she struggles to reaffix her smile. Eventually, she gets a half-assed version of her syrupy mask in place. “I’m glad he’s in my past.”
My inner lie detector buzzes. Is she lying about him being in her past, or that she’s glad about it? I bet I know.
“But he isn’t in your past, is he?”
Scoffing, she says, “I broke up with him.”
“Well, at least you’re deflecting with your words, rather than nonsense this time. I guess that’s an improvement.”
She rolls her eyes. “Why do you care so much about Silas? Are you worried my heart might belong to another?”
Yes. Also no. But mostly yes.
“The longer you avoid answering, the guiltier you look. I’d say he’s still very much in your present.”
“The vibes were off about him. He was creeping me out.”
I caress her shoulder, hoping she can feel my sincerity through my touch. “Lila, if you’re in trouble, I can help you.”
After four or five rapid blinks, she glares at my hand like it’s offending her. Without commenting, I lift it off her shoulder.
“You know the funny thing about offered help, Reed?”
“What?”
“It’s only helpful if you trust the person making the offer.”
Without giving me a chance to defend myself, she stands abruptly and pastes on her most plastic smile. “It’s almost dusk. We should go before the mosquitoes swarm.”