Chapter Five
Quiet pressed so hard on Buck's eardrums, he thought he might go deaf. He continued sweeping Sterling’s house long past clearing up the mess.
Buck didn’t want Sterling to find a single sliver with his bare feet when he came home.
He had to believe Sterling would be back. The alternative was unthinkable.
Buck had offered to stay behind and clean.
Also, in case Sterling came home while everyone else searched the property.
If they found Sterling dead, Buck couldn’t be there for that.
He had already run through every scenario in his head.
Now he was just exhausted. Buck’s chest hurt like never before.
This was his fault. Buck had to own that.
Sterling had always been a ray of sunshine, acting goofy and making everyone laugh.
He was irresistible. Buck didn’t think he could be blamed for falling in love.
Everything that happened afterward, that was him.
He had broken Sterling down and demolished everything good inside of him.
The worst part was Buck was the adult. Buck had raised a son to adulthood.
He knew better. In his eyes, Sterling had always been grown.
Despite him bringing everyone else happiness, when no one watched, he turned serious, and his eyes changed.
Buck had seen the unhappiness and never stopped to think maybe he was the one causing it.
The least he could do was clean. He had nothing else to offer.
The front door opened.
Buck nearly hit his knees in relief until he realized it was Tip. Something died inside him at Tip’s expression. He looked tired, stressed, and heartbroken. Buck couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. Everything inside him was poised on the edge of a knife.
Tip moved to the couch and sat. He met Buck’s stare. Buck swore the man saw him all the way to his soul. “The police found him.”
That one line had Buck ready to step into traffic.
Thankfully, Tip kept talking without making Buck ask. “He was walking aimlessly down Old Country Road. They say he was nude and covered in blood. They said he was practically nonverbal. Once they determined the blood was his, they called for an ambulance.”
Buck had a million questions, but he was too scared to ask. If he opened his mouth, everything inside him might fall out.
Tip’s chest expanded as he took a deep breath. His stare seemed to deepen. “It’s time for everyone to stop pretending you’re not involved with my brother.”
The statement finally shook Buck from his shock. He opened his mouth. Buck had no idea what he planned to say. Everything inside him screamed for him to deny it. His tongue refused to tell that lie.
Tip held up his hand, stopping him. “This isn’t your fault.”
Buck snapped his mouth closed. He couldn’t even think clearly anymore.
Tip kept going. “He’s having a manic episode.”
Buck sat.
Tip eyed him. “By your reaction, I assume you didn’t know Sterling is bipolar.”
Buck shook his head. His voice still wouldn’t work.
Tip nodded, as if he expected as much. “Unfortunately, there’s more.
Under most circumstances, I’d never tell you all this, but I honestly think you love him.
” He took no mercy on Buck. “It seems he purposely stopped his medication about a month after coming home. He wanted the intrusive thoughts to finally drive him over the edge.”
“Why?” It was all Buck could croak out. There was so much pain in that one word that even Buck flinched. He didn’t know why he asked why. Buck knew. It was him.
Tip took a shaky-sounding breath and rubbed the center of his chest, as if absently trying to scrub away the pain. “It seems, after their final match of the season, the team’s head coach drugged Sterling and sexually assaulted him.”
Buck wanted to die. For so many reasons, he wanted death to take him. He swallowed. “I didn’t know.” Buck lasted half a second. “Did he call the police? Was this reported?”
Tip shook his head. “He didn’t have any definitive proof.
In fact, he blames himself. Sterling says you always told him his careless flirting would get him hurt.
” Tip held his stare like he recorded every minute detail of Buck’s reaction.
Buck watched the realization grow in Tip that maybe Buck was to blame after all.
Tip didn’t slow. He kept ripping Buck’s heart out.
“The thing is, it’s not careless flirting.
It’s a nervous tick. Fear of people dismissing his existence.
He doesn’t know how to connect with people.
No one gave him love when he needed it the most. He wasn’t taught what healthy love looks like.
His entire life, he’s been rejected by everyone.
The only attention he’s ever gotten was from polo and being sexualized. I failed him.”
Buck stared at nothing, seeing nothing except all the ways he had punished Sterling since he came home. That night in the hay. Goddamn. “If you want my resignation, you can have it.”
Tip snorted. “I have no doubt Sterling pursued you with everything he has. The only time I heard any emotion in his voice tonight was anytime he said your name.” Tip shook his head. He looked every bit as shell-shocked as Buck felt.
Buck couldn’t take it anymore. “What now?”
Tip startled, as if he fell into his thoughts and forgot about Buck.
His eyes looked haunted when he focused on Buck.
He cleared his throat. “The hospital will keep him until his meds have him stabilized again. After that, I don’t know.
He doesn’t want to come back here, but, according to him, he can’t go back to Miami.
I just don’t know.” Tip stood. “But I know one goddamn thing, after I go home and hug my husband, I’m about to have my foot so far up a coach’s ass, he’ll be the one wishing for death. ”
Buck felt the same rage Tip did, but the pain and guilt eclipsed everything. He felt too fucking helpless to move.
Tip headed for the door.
Buck spoke without thinking. “I do love him, you know. You’re right about that. I’ll do whatever it takes to help.”
Tip gave him a sharp nod and left Buck alone with the destruction he had caused. Buck would never forgive himself for this. Every dark thought led to another until he had to fight the urge to head to Sterling’s mom’s house and put her down like a dog. Her shitty parenting started everything.
Buck dug out his phone and called his son. He needed AJ to know he was loved and accepted in every way and always would be.
AJ answered on the third ring. “Hey, Dad. What’s up?”
“I love you.”
An uncomfortable-sounding chuckle tumbled through the line. “I love you too. What’s wrong?”
Tears welled in his eyes. Buck had no one to lean on. He couldn’t tell AJ the things Tip had told him. But he could do one thing he should’ve done years ago. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
It was easier than he expected. In the face of so much horror, loving someone nearly half his age seemed like nothing. Everything started with no one loving Sterling the way he deserved. Buck would be goddamned if Sterling ever felt that way again. It was time for that healthy love Tip mentioned.
All he did was sleep. Sterling couldn’t help it.
It was like his months of silence, rage, pain, and depression had finally caught him and crushed him.
He was alone. Sterling always was, though.
Sometimes he preferred the silence. He hated feeling like he had to be funny or talkative out of fear of someone not wanting to be his friend anymore.
Then, when they left, he second-guessed everything he said and did, certain he made an idiot of himself, and they would block his number.
He felt like an inconvenience. Life wasn’t easier alone, but at least he could sit in silence, only being judged by himself.
That was why he had told the hospital to refuse visitors. He had nothing left to give.
Sterling supposed the meds were working again.
Honestly, he couldn’t tell any longer. He didn’t enjoy anything anymore anyhow.
Sterling simply took up space and racked up medical bills.
Maybe he should move somewhere with universal healthcare.
Maybe Canada. Nah. It was too cold. Sterling had gotten accustomed to the Florida heat.
Now he wore a jacket when it hit sixty-five degrees.
He would say Australia, but the spiders were huge.
Maybe Spain. Did they even have universal healthcare?
That wasn’t a bad idea if they did. Sterling had to think about anything at all.
He needed to look toward the future. Sterling had a bad feeling the whole world was about to know his business and see him as only a victim now.
Polo didn’t create many household names.
He wasn’t really famous or anything. It was possible this entire thing would barely be a blip on the news.
No matter what, Sterling didn’t want to be here anymore.
Since it seemed he wasn’t really brave enough to off himself, he would need a new plan.
Sterling could work on that and busy his mind.
A perfunctory knock landed on the door before it opened. A nurse appeared with a shot and a gift bag. Sterling watched the woman move his way, feeling absolutely nothing. She had purple hair and tattoos. Those were always the best caretakers.
She handed him the bag. “This is for you.”
Sterling checked the name on her badge as she passed the bag along. Shelby. “Thank you.”
Shelby flashed him a smile. “No problem. Now, I’m going to flush your line first, but I have more meds. It seems the doctor has ordered for you to still get everything intravenously.”
A humorless laugh burst out. “I’m not to be trusted to take pills.”
She patted his shoulder. “Everyone forgets to take their meds occasionally.”
Sterling allowed the falsehood to stand.
He simply let the influx of drugs keep him mellow.
Sterling had nowhere to go anyhow. When he was alone again, he stared at the bag on his lap.
It was shiny blue and lightweight for its large size.
He gave up trying to decide who might have sent it and moved the tissue paper aside.
A smile exploded across his face. It was the Bakugan battle set he had begged Santa for when he was a kid.
His dad had died that year. His mom had shut down.
Tip had left to enjoy his new freedom and career.
His sister cried all the time and Sterling had just sort of disappeared.
He hadn’t wanted to bother anyone with a Christmas list. No one listened when he spoke anyhow.
Sterling hadn’t been worried, though. He had told Santa.
There hadn’t been a single doubt he would get the only gift he wanted.
Then Christmas had come, and he watched Miranda open a million presents while he waited patiently for his one lonely package under the tree.
Turned out it was from a great aunt he had never met.
It was a sweater. She had knitted it herself, which was fine, but it was about three sizes too small.
The way he felt that day had stuck with him.
Even though he had been twelve and had fully known Santa Claus wasn’t real, there had still been some small hope inside him that life wouldn’t fail him just the one time.
There was only one person who knew that story.
A letter was taped to the box. Sterling stared at the folded paper for much longer than necessary.
His hand shook when he finally peeled the note off and unfolded it.
Sterling,
I actually bought this for you three Christmases ago.
Well, you know why you didn’t get it then.
I found it in the closet. It was past time I should’ve given it to you.
When you left, I was so angry with myself for not telling everyone about us, so maybe you’d finally take mercy on me and marry me.
I was scared as hell people would think I was some pervert, since my son isn’t that much younger than you.
Plus, I was terrified Tip would fire me and I’d have no way to support you.
Mostly, I just knew you could do better than me.
I knew, if we got married, you’d get to Miami and have men way better and younger than me throwing themselves at your feet.
You’d stay faithful because that’s who you are, and I would’ve cursed you to some sort of half life.
Not once have I ever known what the right thing to do is.
All I’ve ever known is that I love you. For real.
All the way to my soul. That means putting you first. Except, maybe my idea of putting you first was the wrong one.
I don’t know. All I know is I fucked up so goddamn royally and I’ve been nothing but miserable since you left.
You love your career. You earned that and deserve everything you’ve accomplished.
I just wish so damn badly I had found the courage not to be left behind because I’ll never stop loving you.
That love is something I wake up with every day and take to bed every night.
I don’t even know the point of this letter.
Just please don’t leave me. Just please be happy.
If you need a Bakugan partner, just let me know.
I’m pretty sure all AJ’s old battle brawlers are still around here somewhere.
Somehow, I still step on one about every six months. I think they’re breeding. I miss you.
Buck
Sterling set the bag aside and rolled. On his side, he hugged the box and letter against his chest and stared at nothing, seeing everything.
Too many nights to recall, Buck had held him while they told each other endless stories.
They had known everything about each other, even down to the funny little dance Buck did while waiting for food to heat in the microwave.
A sad smile tugged at Sterling’s lips. For the life of him, he couldn’t remember why anything at all had mattered more than their love.
Sterling had pressed and pressed for some sort of big announcement about their relationship.
When he looked back at things, he was pretty damn sure everyone actually knew.
It wasn’t like they were slick or even really tried to hide.
Their love had been so big, it was like they were incapable of not touching each other.
Then Sterling had left, and the ugliness inside his mind had beaten him.
The emptiness always won. It was a dark hole, sucking every ounce of joy from him, turning his mind against him.
Truth be told, the darkness was still beating him.
Sterling didn’t know how to stop it. He didn’t know if he had any fight left.