Chapter Seven
Sterling,
Last night was another night of staring at the bedroom ceiling while you lived inside my head.
Do you remember the first time you stayed at my house for the weekend?
AJ had spent the weekend with his friend.
You brought dinner. I made love to you for as long as I possibly could.
I saw our entire future together unfold.
As soon as we sat at that dinner table together, I knew I had to have that for the rest of my life.
I should’ve given you everything right then. That was the first time I failed you.
When you left, I knew you were done with me.
You didn’t deserve for me to treat you like a cheater.
I knew I had finally broken us, and anger was all I had.
It was easier to be mad at you than me, but in my heart, I’d always known better.
I failed us. You’ll never know how much I hate myself for being weak.
You deserved the fucking world from me. I swear you’ll get it.
You’ll get that life. If you ever take mercy on me and forgive me, I’ll never let you down again.
You’ll have nothing but days of me touching you every chance I get while smothering you with words of love.
Every night, you’ll be in my arms while I tell you how much I’m addicted to every molecule of you.
I know I’m not the greatest with words. You probably don’t even understand half of my ramblings, since that’s exactly what I’m doing.
I should describe the ways you brighten my life, but that’s an endless list. I wouldn’t even know where to start.
Once I start writing, all I can think about is the love that’s choking me and the black hole in the center of my chest. I need you like I need oxygen.
I have to believe—one of these days—you’ll wake up next to me and that miracle will be forever.
That hope keeps me alive. I’ll never let it go.
I love you with everything I have,
Buck
The love letters continued, confusing Sterling a little more every day.
Despite the lines Buck wrote, it was like they were only friends when they were together.
Sterling didn’t know how to feel. He steered his horse through the woods, trying to clear his head.
He heard the creek in the distance. Birds chirped.
Sterling tried focusing on the sounds of nature rather than life.
Everything felt heavy. The burden never lessened.
There was so much he needed to handle and so little energy or desire to bother.
For reasons completely unknown to him, Coach Dale had stepped down from his position and confessed.
His confession likely meant barely a slap on the wrist, but it also meant Sterling would never set eyes on him again.
Sterling could go back to his career. Since the season had already started and Sterling hadn’t returned, his agent and lawyers worked on the details.
Meanwhile, Sterling decided if his mental health could withstand a season of nonstop gossip, intrusive interviews, and pitying looks.
It would be so much easier to stay, hide, and try to reclaim some sort of life. Everything felt too hard.
Despite being back in therapy, Sterling had zero sense of normalcy. His therapist said his displaced feelings were likely caused by never feeling like any place was home. She was probably right. Sterling simply didn’t know what it would take for him to feel settled.
The creek came into view. Sterling slipped from his horse and moved to the edge of the water. The sun glistened across the ripples, looking like a diamond when held up to the light.
Sterling found his usual rock and sat. His mind quieted and then drifted.
“I can see your ankles. Scandalous. We have to get married now if you want to protect your good name.”
The look Buck gave him was priceless. It took everything Sterling possessed not to laugh. When he had quietly followed Buck down to the creek, he hadn’t expected to find Buck with his shoes off, pant legs rolled up, and standing in the water.
“What are you doing out here?” Buck always sounded so growly with him. Sterling told himself Buck’s annoyance was his way of telling himself he wasn’t attracted to Sterling. But Sterling saw the looks Buck sneaked, and he knew lust when he saw it.
“I was looking for you.”
“Why?” Ooh. The anger was getting bigger.
Sterling’s smile never dimmed. “Maybe I hoped to catch you naked. A little birthday treat. You know how it is.”
Buck’s face screwed up in confusion. “Why in the hell would I be naked in the woods?”
Sterling shrugged. “Maybe you need to cool down after flirting with me all day.”
Buck threw his hands up. He looked completely done with Sterling’s bullshit.
Sterling was having the time of his life.
Buck made his way to the edge, grumbling under his breath. He angrily put his boots back on before focusing on Sterling. Rage flashed in his eyes. “Look, kid. You’ve got to stop this. I need this job and having you constantly hanging around will get me fired one of these days.”
“I’m not a kid, and you won’t get fired over me. Also, no one needs to know. You’d have a great time.” Sterling felt the heat pouring from him. There was no way Buck couldn’t see how badly Sterling wanted him.
Buck held his stare for a moment before turning away and taking a step toward the trail.
“Coward.”
Buck froze. He visibly tensed before angry eyes turned his way. “What?”
Sterling shrugged, being as dismissive as possible. “I said you’re a coward. You think I don’t know we both want this? Your constant denials have nothing to do with your job and everything to do with your lack of courage.”
The space between them disappeared. Nearly three hundred pounds of solid pissed-off cowboy went chest to chest with him. “One of these days, being a tease will get you hurt.”
There was something very real flashing in Buck’s eyes. For once, Sterling didn’t recognize the emotion. He felt the rejection, though. That was as familiar to him as breathing.
Sterling took a step back. “I guess I misread the situation. You don’t have to worry about me.
As much as I like you, I get it. You don’t feel the same.
I thought you enjoyed our banter, and we were friends.
I’m…” Sterling didn’t know how to finish that.
He was a burden. Sterling was invisible and pathetic.
He was a pain in the ass no one wanted. All the above.
He took another step back. “Sorry.” Even he heard the pain he couldn’t always hide.
Sterling turned to walk away.
Buck grabbed the back of Sterling’s shirt and easily spun him back around.
He was in Buck’s sexy, muscular arms so fast, he didn’t see it coming.
Buck’s mouth covered his, and Sterling stood still—like a frozen idiot.
That barely lasted half a second. Then he melted.
Buck’s kiss was so much more than he expected.
Sterling had expected Buck to kiss with unbridled lust and hunger.
That was not what this was. This kiss made the backs of his eyes burn.
His throat swelled. He felt cherished. That had never happened to him.
Buck cradled the back of Sterling’s head, keeping Sterling from getting away without manhandling him.
When Buck pulled away, he didn’t release Sterling. “You drive me insane.”
“I’m sor—”
“Stop talking, Sterling.” Buck’s mouth was back, blowing Sterling’s mind with his kiss.
It hit Sterling. He wanted this for real.
Sterling wasn’t flirting or teasing. Not really.
He was just so goddamn happy anytime Buck was around, he was like a kid on a sugar high.
Except it wasn’t sugar. It had always been something else.
Something Sterling had never had before Buck.
But God knew, Sterling had never felt the way he did about Buck with anyone else.
All the way to his spirit, Sterling knew he never would.
Sterling’s horse, Lightning, trotted past Buck, returning to the barn saddled.
Buck eyed the animal while his heart slowly crept into his throat.
Buck stepped out and eyed the horizon. Lightning wasn’t sweaty like he’d been on a long ride.
Buck’s gaze landed on a nearby trodden trail through the woods that led to a creek.
The horses liked to go there to drink. Buck headed that way.
His heart sped a little more with every step.
Was Sterling hurt? Did he have another break? Fuck’s sake. Buck couldn’t handle this.
He saw Sterling sitting in his usual spot on a two-foot-high boulder.
Sterling seemed to stare at nothing. It was obvious he was too lost in his head to hear Buck’s arrival.
Buck made as much noise as possible before squeezing his shoulders and massaging.
“Your horse came back riderless. I got worried.”
Sterling didn’t respond right away. He cleared his throat. “Sorry. I guess I forgot to tether him.”
Buck shuffled closer. Sterling’s neck called to him. “You don’t always have to apologize.” His lips skimmed Sterling’s nape.
Sterling took a shaky-sounding breath that went straight to Buck’s cock. He knew that sound. “I was sitting here, thinking about the time you finally got angry enough to kiss me. You can’t know how much I miss your lips on my skin.”
Oh, damn. He was in trouble. Buck had been desperately trying to take things slowly.
Not only had Sterling been through a lot, but Buck had fucked him with all the anger in his heart the last time they had sex.
He hadn’t known about anything Sterling had been through, and Sterling had at least pretended to like it.
Sometimes, when it came to Sterling, he didn’t know what was real or what was an act he hid his pain behind.
Sterling was scarily good at play-acting genuine emotion.