Chapter 6 #2
Quickly, she unwraps the third package. When she sees a plain-looking black leather belt, she feels a little let down. She looks up at Phoenix to see her reaction.
Phoenix quirks her eyebrow at Ulayna. “What? You can’t go around wearing silk scarves and jeweled hairpins all the time. Sometimes you need a basic black belt.”
“And how is this different from any other belt?”
“It has a quick-release buckle so you can slip it off in an instant. So no one else can grab you by it.”
“Okay. I can see that being useful.”
There’s one package left on the desk. Ulayna eyes it speculatively.
Excitedly, Hadley hands it to her. “Phoenix didn’t order this one. It’s my own special addition to your arsenal as a burgeoning Bratva queen.”
Ulayna narrows her eyes at her. “I told you, the Bratva doesn’t have queens. It’s entirely patriarchal. Bratva literally means ‘brotherhood.’”
Defiantly, Hadley glowers at her and fists her hands on her hips. “I don’t care. By the time I’m done with you, you will rule them. Because these”—she points at the package in Ulayna’s hands—“are meant to be worn by a BossBitch.”
Nervous now, Ulayna unwraps the last package. Inside is a pair of black patent leather heels with deep red soles. She holds them up, inspecting them. When she doesn’t see any special features, she looks at Hadley in confusion.
“What’s so special about these?”
“Ah!” Affronted, Hadley puts a palm to her gumball-pink chest. “They’re Louboutin! They’re the iconic So Kate with a 120 mm stiletto heel and the signature low-cut vamp. They’re the most deadly accessory you could have!”
Phoenix snickers.
“What do you mean?” Ulayna asks with genuine curiosity.
Hadley raises her chin defiantly. “Wear these, and anyone with a Y chromosome between the ages of 10 and 100 will be eating out of your palm. Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend, but heels are her secret weapon.”
Not believing her, Ulayna looks at Phoenix.
Phoenix shrugs. “Never underestimate the power of your own sexuality. As a woman, people will always underestimate you. But with the proper outfit and the right tone, a clever woman can easily manipulate most men.” She pauses, and her eyes light with humor.
“Plus, if you stomp on someone's foot while wearing one of these heels, it’ll put almost 20,000 pounds of pressure at the point of impact. That’s enough to break bones. ”
Ulayna laughs and looks at the shoes with newfound appreciation.
The ladies spend the next hour shopping at Hadley’s boutique.
Despite Ulayna’s initial misgivings, Hadley has a way of making her feel like the most glamorous woman.
Somehow, she talks her into dresses, skirts, butter-soft leggings, jeans that hug her hips like a second skin, and several colorful tops that make her smile.
When she was a child, she wore whatever she was given—generally ill-fitting secondhand clothes.
And when she was in the Program, her Masters often dressed her up in slutty outfits—anything from skimpy lingerie to babydoll costumes.
Over the past several months, while living with Alexi, she’s been resistant to buying any luxury clothing because it felt like one more expectation.
One more person dressing her up to be someone she’s not.
But that’s part of the problem. In reality, she’s avoided buying nice clothes because she doesn’t really know who she is or even who she wants to be. But with Alexi’s unwavering support and the training from his team, she’s finally learning who she could be.
And that includes being a woman who knows how to use fashion as a weapon.
Ulayna opens herself to the idea that clothing isn’t just a frivolous waste of money, but an investment in tools that can help her blend in, stand out, command a room, or manipulate someone.
“It’s about finding a balance,” Phoenix says, holding a slinky, long-sleeved dress up to her frame before discarding it with a shake of her head.
“You need to find pieces that match your style so you feel confident in them. But you also need to find pieces that serve a purpose. You’re too logical to wear something just because you like the color.
You’ll want whatever you’re wearing to accomplish something.
Maybe that’s a distraction. Maybe that’s camouflage.
Or maybe that’s having secret pockets to help you hide your weapons. ”
“Oh, I like how you think, Phoenix!” Hadley comes over carrying a floor-length gown in a shimmery pale silver.
“This is the gown I was envisioning to go with your scarf, Ulayna. You can wear the scarf as a shawl with any formal outfit, but it will look stunning with this dress.” She hands the gorgeous gown to Ulayna, then ushers her into the changing room.
Ulayna steps into the dressing room, and Hadley slides the curtain closed behind her. Staring into the mirror, she holds the gown up to her small frame. She’s never seen such a breathtaking dress.
As she slips the gown on, Hadley continues talking with Phoenix.
“How’d your date with that guy go?” Phoenix asks Hadley.
From the dressing room, Ulayna can practically hear Hadley roll her eyes when she says, “Larry the accountant? He was terrible! He didn’t even take his socks off when we had sex.”
Phoenix snickers. “With a name like Larry, you should have expected that. Did you at least get an orgasm out of it?”
Inside the dressing room, Ulayna’s fingers freeze on the zipper of the gown. Are they seriously talking about sex right now? She strains her ears to hear more of their conversation.
“Yeah,” Hadley says in answer to Phoenix’s question. “But only because I assisted with one of my toys. The man couldn’t find my clit to save his life. Is it too much to ask for good sex? I miss it.”
Phoenix laughs. “I know what you mean. It’s been so long since I’ve had an orgasm that wasn’t self-induced. If you hadn’t recommended Silk & Secrets to me, I’d be losing my mind.”
“Oh my gosh, I love Silk & Secrets. A luxury boutique that sells high-end lingerie and sex toys. What more could a girl ask for?”
Phoenix snickers. “Who needs a man when you can have a battery-operated best friend?”
Ulayna frowns at the dressing room curtain separating her from the other ladies.
She’s not used to hearing women talk so openly about enjoying sex.
It’s refreshing and honest in a way she’s never experienced before.
But it makes her anxious, too. She knows her past trauma has warped her sense of sexuality.
Suddenly, she has to know if they actually like sex, or if it’s just an act.
Ulayna pokes her head out of the dressing room. “You guys actually like wearing lingerie? And… umm… using sex toys?”
Hadley looks at her like she’s crazy. “Well, I’m not a nympho or anything. But every girl’s got to have a few toys—either for herself or to use with a partner.”
Ulayna feels like she’s missing something. Something profound. “You use the sex toys for yourself? Because you like it?”
A flash of understanding washes across Phoenix’s face. “Oh, honey.” She takes Ulayna’s hands and gently looks into her eyes. “Sex, whether with a partner or by yourself, can feel amazing for a woman.”
Ulayna suddenly feels like crying. Shame washes through her, and she doesn’t fully understand why. But she takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, letting the negative emotions wash away. She refuses to feel ashamed for something that she had no control over.
Looking into Phoenix’s kind eyes, she admits, “There were girls in the Program who talked about learning to enjoy it. They said it could feel good for them, but I never understood. I thought they were lying. I mean, I know that women choose to have sex all the time. I just assumed they were forcing themselves to do it so they could have children or to make men happy. It makes sense to me that a woman would trade sex for security. But I’m not sure I believe women enjoy it. ”
Phoenix pulls her into a tight hug. “You were so young when the Program took you. How could you know? You’re not wrong, though. Some women trade sex for security. Or money. Or status. But most women really do enjoy it. With the right person, it can be… earthshatteringly good.”
Ulayna bites her lip, uncertain if she should share her deeper fear. The fear that’s been festering inside for a while now.
When she looks into Phoenix’s eyes and sees only gentle understanding, not pity, she asks, “What if there’s something broken inside me?
What if the Program broke me, and I can’t enjoy it?
” She blushes. She’s been forced to endure every kind of depravity while in the Program, but for some reason, talking about having sex for pleasure makes her feel like a bumbling teenager.
“Look, if you decide to never have sex for the rest of your life, no one would blame you.” Hadley makes a pained expression, as if the idea is abhorrent.
“But I’d be missing out, right?” Ulayna asks.
Phoenix and Hadley both nod.
Ulayna squares her shoulders. “Then I want to do it. I want to see if I can enjoy it when it’s my choice. I can’t let this be one more thing that the Program stole from me. I’m determined to experience everything that life has to offer, and that includes good sex and orgasms.”
“Amen, sister!” Hadley grins.
Ulayna looks around her with determination, as if ready to jump the first man she sees.
Phoenix tugs her hand to bring her attention back. “Okay, I appreciate the determination, but this is not something you have to do ever, let alone right now. And when you do, it should be with someone you want. Someone your body craves, someone you trust.”
Hadley hip checks Phoenix out of the way.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she says, waving off the other woman.
“All that’s true. When you’re ready to have sex, it should be with someone amazing whom you trust. But…
” She waggles her eyebrows. “In the meantime, there’s no harm in learning what you like by yourself. ”
“Masturbation?” Ulayna asks to clarify.
“Ugh,” Hadley grimaces. “Such an ugly word. Let’s call it self-love.”