Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jamie woke suddenly when he felt the lash on his back.
“A dream,” he reminded himself. Heart pounding, he forced himself upright until he was seated on the side of the bed. His body ached as he moved, but he wouldn’t lie there and fall back into another nightmare.
Inhaling deeply, he exhaled slowly. When he was calmer, he pushed himself up and off the bed. His ribs tugged viciously, but if he moved, it would help rid his head of the lingering dark, the feel of that whip and the other things he’d been tortured with alongside his friends.
It was seeing Jackson again that had stirred everything up inside him.
It had been years ago, and yet still the remnants of that hell lingered. Rearing their heads to remind him of what he and so many others had endured.
Running a hand through his sweat-drenched hair, Jamie paced slowly to the window, moving his abused body to loosen it up.
He loathed any form of weakness inside him. Loathed being vulnerable, and kept himself in peak condition so no one would ever control or hurt him again. But he’d not been able to stop those men, and that chafed at him, because he’d not been able to stop those who had abused him as a boy either.
Pushing the curtain aside, he noted it was still the early hours of the morning. He had not been sleeping long. That bloody laudanum. They’d held him down at Blackwood Hall and forced it down his throat. He’d loathed it ever since.
The sound of the door opening had him turning, body tensing. He watched her walk in and look to the bed. Finding it empty, she searched the room and located Jamie.
“Is everything all right, Jamie?”
Alice moved closer slowly, and the weak light coming in the window allowed him to see she was wearing a white nightdress and a thick woollen shawl. The soft material floated around her ankles as she moved. Jamie felt his pulse quicken.
He knew he couldn’t let himself get closer to Alice, because he had nothing to offer a woman more than his title and perhaps a child, that was. Alice deserved more from her future husband. She deserved to be loved.
“All is well, Alice. Go back to your bed.”
Jamie knew she wasn’t one to follow orders, but he had to try. She kept walking until she was inches from where he stood. Her eyes studied him, running over his face.
“What has happened?”
“Nothing. How could it here in your townhouse?” But he heard the rasp of uncertainty in his voice, just as she did.
“Did the laudanum give you bad dreams?”
Her hair was in a long braid and hung over her left shoulder. Jamie clenched his hands into fists so he wouldn’t reach for it. He wanted to test the texture and bring it to his lips.
“You need to go back to your room, my lady.” He’d used her title deliberately to put distance between them. She didn’t speak, just stood there watching him.
“Why are you here in this room, Alice?
“I woke and thought to check on you, to ensure you needed nothing,” she said. “Would you like help to get back into the bed?”
“I managed to get here. I’m sure I can make it back.” He sounded petulant, and didn’t seem able to stop himself.
They stared at each other then, and Jamie knew his eyes would be filled with hunger.
Leaning closer, he saw something in hers.
Wariness perhaps? She had every right to feel that way, because right then, he wanted to touch Alice.
Wanted to lose himself in her to chase away the pain and lingering traces of what had woken him.
If he was in his townhouse, he’d go to his room and punch his bag.
“I will leave,” Jamie said, not moving. “No one can know I am here.”
“No one knows,” she said, her tone soothing. “I’m sure we can get you home without detection, Jamie.”
“It is not me I am worried for,” he snapped back.
“I care nothing for that. In fact, I am making plans to leave London and likely never return.”
“Why?” That he may never see this woman again disturbed him a great deal.
“Some things have changed, but that is nothing that concerns you. Now come, you need your sleep.” Her hand touched his arm. It was only brief, but he felt it.
Jamie looked down at her fingers and could do nothing to stop from settling his over them. Hers turned and slid through his.
“Alice.” Her name came out strangled. “Leave here now.”
“You will not hurt me, nor could you in your current condition,” she said with a small smile, as if teasing him.
She should be bloody terrified. He wanted to pull her close and feel all her heat and lush curves pressed to his body. Wanted to lose himself in this woman he’d come to need.
He should step away. Instead, he lifted their joined hands and placed them against his bare chest. Her gaze flicked up as she no doubt felt the thud of his heart.
“What really woke you, Jamie?”
“I was dreaming,” he admitted.
“And I promised to be here, so here I am,” she whispered. “Do you dream of Blackwood Hall often?”
Her lovely eyes were steady on his and Jamie saw the compassion and felt the last of his restraint start to slip. He didn’t bother to deny her words, so he nodded.
“I want that bastard to hurt as he hurt you and my brother.”
Her words surprised a huff of laughter out of him because he’d not expected them.
“He will pay, Alice. Have no fear of that.”
“We will make him pay,” she added.
She stood on her toes and then, with a boldness that stole his breath, brushed her lips to his cheek. The simplest of touches, and yet heat rolled through him at the feel of those warm lips.
Move away from her, Jamie. She is not like other women. She’s not someone you can touch and walk away from.
“What are you doing, Alice?” His words sounded raw and hungry.
“Let me light the lamp,” she said instead of answering him. “You look pale.” She backed away, but only one step.
“No.”
“Will you sit then?”
“I am strong enough to take a beating, Alice. Have no fear I am about to faint.” He’d been telling himself he was strong for many years. In fact, since he’d left Blackwood Hall, it was a constant refrain running through his head.
“I know you are strong, Jamie, but anyone who took the beating you did still needs to take care of themselves until they are healed.”
“Will you tell me about this clinic of yours, Alice?”
“You have an excellent memory.”
He didn’t answer, just studied her.
“I run a medical clinic where those who can’t afford it get help. I have a wonderful doctor, who actually treats nobility, who was willing to work with these patients three times a week.
“You are an amazing woman, Lady Alice,” he said quietly. “And I want to know more about that, soon. But not now. Right now, I have another question.” Their eyes met. “Why will you leave London, Alice?”
If he kept talking, perhaps he could stop his mind from fixating on the way that thin cotton nightdress clung to her body, and how much he wanted to strip it away.
“It need not concern you,” she said, voice cool and steady.
“So I am to bare all,” he countered, “and you will tell me nothing in return?”
“You are as secretive as I, Jamie, and you will not convince me otherwise.”
She wasn’t wrong. Few were ever granted access to his innermost thoughts. Sometimes his two closest friends caught a glimpse, but never anyone else. Not even his sisters knew the dark things he carried inside his head.
“You know something about me only two others and those responsible do,” Jamie replied.
“Yes, I know what you suffered at Blackwood Hall, and am sorry for it.”
He moved closer, taking one of her hands in his. He squeezed gently, but did not speak.
“My father came to visit me yesterday.”
“And that was a bad thing?” Jamie took the other hand she now had clenched into a fist.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” she whispered, looking down at her hands in his.
“Your secrets are safe with me, as mine are with you, Alice.”
“He wants to bring his mistress back to London to marry, and then live in society.”
He knew there was more, so Jamie kept quiet, watching the emotions in her pretty eyes.
“But he has no wish for his daughter to be here when he does. So I am to find a husband and be gone from here and his estate. Apparently, Lord Braxton would be the perfect candidate.” The words came out cold.
“No,” Jamie said instantly. “He will not be.”
Her eyes lifted to his. “I would rather marry a rodent.”
The lingering fear from his dream was gone, and in its place was anger. No parent should force a child from their home, and especially not the daughter who had kept everything running while her father gallivanted with his mistress in France!
“I do not know your father—”
“You are lucky in that. He’s a weak-kneed imbecile,” Alice snapped, cutting him off.
“Unlike his daughter, who is beautiful, intelligent, and perhaps a little rash,” Jamie added.
Her eyes settled on his then, and he had no idea what she was seeking, but knew it was something.
“I will not marry,” she whispered, her soft breath brushing his lips. “I have plans that do not include being under a man’s control.”
“What plans?”
“It matters not—”
“It matters to me.”
“Why?” The question was a whisper.
Jamie wasn’t sure who closed the distance but soon they were kissing. Just a brush of their lips but it was enough to ignite him. Her scent, so familiar now, wrapped around him.
“Alice,” he rasped as he eased back. “We shouldn’t do that.”
“I know.” She tugged her hands from his and framed his face. “But I fear I can’t help myself.”
The honesty of her words undid him more than any seduction. He turned his head and pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist.
“You need to return to your room, Alice. Go now before I can’t let you.” The words were harsh, his intent to get her away from him before he gave in to the need pounding through his body.
“Of course, you’re hurting. I should not have come in here.” She turned from him.
“That is not the reason, Alice.” He touched her shoulder. “I want you very much, but you’re a lady, and I won’t hurt you.”
She faced him again. “And what if it is my choice? What if I wish to know what can be between a man and a woman just once?”
“You will wed, because no man can resist you.” His words came out a rasp as the hand on her shoulder slid to cup her cheek. So warm beneath his palm.
Her laugh held no humor. “I’m quite sure you’re the only man who believes that.”
“Then they are all fools.” The leash on his control snapped and Jamie slid his other hand around her waist, pulling her into his body. “Damn me to hell, because nothing but that would stop me from doing this now, and even then I would bargain with the devil for you.”
He took her mouth again, this time deeper, letting her know his words were the truth.
Jamie let his hands travel along the line of her back to the tie of her braid.
He tugged it loose with fingers not quite steady, and then eased it free.
Her hair spilled warm and heavy into his palms. Jamie drew it forward over a shoulder, letting his fingers test the texture.
He knew this was wrong and that tomorrow there would be regrets, but for once his control had slipped.
She kissed the corner of his mouth, his jaw, the place below his ear that made heat shoot through him.
He answered with his own explorations, tracing the clean line of her throat with his lips, then lower, where the nightgown’s ribbon tied.
He caught the end of it between his teeth and tugged until it loosened.
She made a sound that tightened every muscle he owned, but when he looked up, her eyes were steady.
“May I?” he asked, and the asking cost him more than any fight.
“Yes,” she whispered.
He drew the linen aside only enough to reveal the slope of her collarbone, and the delicate hollow between. He ran a finger down and over the curve of her breast, and her breath caught in her throat.
“I am not afraid of you,” she said.
“You should be,” he said, dragging his eyes from the swell of her breasts. “Not because I would harm you. Because I am not fit to keep. I have demons, Alice, and that is why I will never let another close.”
Her eyes held his for long heartbeats before she said, “One night, Jamie. That is all we will have, and it will be enough. Teach me what can be between a man and a woman.”
He could grant that and still be the man he must be tomorrow, but he knew that he would remember this night always, and with that memory would come a pain in the region of his heart.