Chapter Forty-eight
Brynn
I huff with annoyance when Killian ignores me and goes back inside.
It’s not like him to do that, and I don’t feel good about it.
I’m worried he’s going after Hex, and while that would be profoundly stupid, clearly love makes fools of us all.
I feel like the biggest one as I pick up my skirt with one hand and hold the mantle together with the other (so I don’t offer anyone a peep show), then haul ass back into the building.
I glance at the guard on the way by, but he doesn’t stop me. I’m no longer dressed properly in the slightest. My dress is a mess, my mask is back in the woods. I did manage to retrieve my hair clip before we left since I bought that myself, but I’m sure my hair is a mess, too.
I could open my compact and look, but I feel too much urgency to follow Killian and make sure he doesn’t put himself in danger over the choices I’ve made tonight.
I might be putting myself in danger by going in after him, but I can’t just wait in the car.
Maybe if he does go after Hex, I can help plead his case. I can’t tell if Hex likes or dislikes me, but he did give me his mantle. It doesn’t feel like he would do that for just anyone.
What a mess.
And I think that before I scan the room and see Killian grabbing Aiden by the back of his mask and preparing to punch him.
I gasp, taking off down the stairs and then making a beeline through the crowd.
“Killian, don’t.”
I’m too far away, so I don’t know if he can hear me, but I have to try.
By the time I reach the dance floor, no one is dancing. People are rushing away from the edge to make room for the unfolding violence, but staying crowded around to watch, too.
“Excuse me,” I say, heart pounding as I push my way through.
I come out on the other side and stop when I see Aiden and Killian exchanging punches. I gasp when Aiden lands a punch, hitting Killian square in the jaw. Then my heart lurches when Killian charges him, knocking him back into Hex, who quickly steps back out of the way. Aiden tries to pull Killian off him, but he trips on the leg of a chair and they both go down. Killian moves quickly, straddling Aiden and punching him with both fists while he has him on the ground.
“Killian, stop!” I shout.
Killian does stop on instinct at the sound of my voice. He looks back at me, but unfortunately, my distraction costs him. Aiden slams a fist into his jaw, locking his legs around Killian and rolling him over to reverse their positions.
“No!”
“Aiden, stop it!”
I glance over at Sloane, stumbling to a stop at the edge of the crowd right next to me.
She looks at me, too, but our attention swiftly returns to the scene the guys are making.
“Where are the fucking… their friends?” I ask, just short of asking where the Blue Bloods are, but fuck. Hex is the only one I see, and he isn’t doing anything to stop this madness.
A hand lands on my shoulder. I look over and see Ryan coming to stand beside me, giving my shoulder the supportive squeeze. “These two need to hit each other. Just let ’em get it out of their systems.”
There have been times I thought both of these men deserved to be punched in the face, but seeing it makes my stomach queasy. “Please stop. Both of you. You’re acting like idiots!”
Killian has Aiden on the ground again, and when he punches him, he doesn’t hold back. Aiden grunts and blood flies off his face.
Sloane gasps beside me, covering her mouth. “Stop it! Stop this now!”
Since no one is listening to either of us, I turn around and push my way back through the crowd.
When I looked at all the tables, I remember seeing pitchers of ice water on each one.
I grab the nearest, fullest pitcher I can find, and force my way back through the crowd.
Then I throw cold water at the assholes still punching each other on the floor.
Killian stiffens, uttering a low, “Fuck,” as the icy drink pours down his back. He turns to glare at whoever did it, but then he sees it was me.
“Get off him,” I demand. Then, realizing we’re surrounded by his friends and considerate of his image, I add a softer, “Please.”
He meets my gaze and holds it, but then his gaze drops and his blue eyes turn to chips of ice. I realize I let go of my mantle, so I pull it closed, but not before Aiden, with a bloody smile, murmurs, “She looks good in that dress I picked out for her, doesn’t she?”
Goddammit.
I remember him saying the fear center in his brain was fucked up, but does he have a death wish? Because it’s starting to seem like he does.
Killian slams his fist into Aiden’s jaw, and Aiden grabs him by the lapels of his tux.
I can’t watch any more of this, so I cut in front of Sloane and make my way to Hex. He’s watching the fight, so if he notices me approach, I can’t tell. I grab his shoulder to get his attention.
His cool, blue-eyed gaze meets mine. “Enjoying tonight’s entertainment?”
“No,” I say, wide-eyed. “Don’t you have anything to say about this?”
He smirks faintly, looking down at my body enveloped in his mantle. “Your pussy must be as good as I suspected it would be.”
My face flushes.
Leaning closer, he murmurs conspiratorially, “Don’t tell Killian I said so. We don’t want him punching me in the face.”
“I don’t want him punching anyone in the face,” I mutter. “That’s why you should stop this.”
He glances back at the two guys on the ground. I was so distracted asking him to stop them, I didn’t realize they had already stopped. “No need,” he says, and gestures in that direction.
I follow his gaze and see Killian still straddling Aiden, looking down at him, but Aiden has relaxed and no longer seems to be expecting to be hit. Killian isn’t hitting him; he’s just sitting there with a bemused look on his face.
What did I miss?
I glance at the crowd, but no one else seems to know, either.
When I look back at Killian, he swipes the back of his hand across his mouth and climbs off Aiden.
Aiden exhales and sits up, then his gaze shoots directly to Sloane.
She glares at him, then turns and disappears into the crowd without even glancing in Killian’s direction.
Aiden gets up and heads into the crowd right after her.
Then it occurs to me, when we both stood at the edge of the crowd watching the fight, we were calling each other’s dates off instead of both of us yelling at Killian.
“Come on,” Killian says, grabbing my wrist before I can carry the thought any further.
I look up at him, wanting to yell at him, but also worried because he’s bleeding. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just want to get out of here.”
I don’t want to get into his car because I know the slope we’re on is slippery right now. I’ve never seen him as unhinged as he was back in the woods, and he completely ignored my pleas for him to stop. If I get in that car with him, I don’t know what happens, but I don’t think it will be anything good.
To be honest, I was less worried he would force himself on me the night we were strangers than I am right now.
That night, I thought he was my hero, but I think I’ve finally come to accept he was the most dangerous thing in that forest, and like a fool, I thought he was saving me.
I don’t feel saved.
I feel ruined.
And he said he was going to cage me. What the fuck did that mean?
I look back at the building, though, knowing I don’t really have better options inside. I certainly can’t leave with Aiden, and while Ryan would probably say yes, I don’t know if he would oppose Killian if Killian told him not to take me. Same with Shane.
I could probably ask Hex for a ride home, but that feels unsafe, too. Maybe even more unsafe, because if I left with Hex and then something happened…
A chill shoots down my spine and I open Killian’s car door, smoothing my dress under me since my panties are torn to shreds in the woods, then pulling my legs in and shutting the door.
I’m not hurt that he forced me so much as I am pissed.
I drew a line that I could live with, that helped me sort through the before and after and get my life together now that I’m keeping him out of it, and the line I drew was that yes, he had me before her, but he wouldn’t have me after. Once he made her his, that’s when he gave up his claim on me. He couldn’t have us both.
And he hauled me over that fucking line kicking and screaming, and that’s utter bullshit.
And I still look over at him, worrying about his bleeding lip, and that’s bullshit, too.
I cross my arms and look out the window, annoyed at both of us and refusing to look at or speak to him.
He doesn’t speak, either, so it’s a long, quiet ride back to his place.
He parks in the parking garage and waits for me behind the car. He makes me walk ahead of him like a prisoner who can’t be trusted not to flee.
Once we’re in his apartment, I’m sad, because it feels more like coming home than coming back to my place ever does. Better memories flood me, and I have the most unpleasant urge to cry.
Get it together, Brynn.
I feel hollowed out inside and overly emotional at the same time as I walk to the freezer and take out a bag of frozen peas. I should throw them at him, but instead I grab a clean cloth out of the drawer to wrap around it, walk over to the seat at the edge of the counter where he’s sitting, and press the chilled bag against his mouth.
“For the swelling.”
His lips tug up slightly and his damn blue eyes twinkle. “I know. Believe it or not, I’ve been hit before.”
“I do believe that,” I mutter, hating the way my heart contracts in response to him. It’s a physical ache being this close to him, seeing that familiar twinkle in his eye.
“You want to hit me?” he teases. “You can. I deserve it.”
I give him a narrowed look and don’t bother responding.
“I’m sorry,” he says, grabbing my waist and pulling me between his spread thighs.
I keep the peas on his mouth and ignore the way my stomach drops. “Stop talking. You’re moving the… thing.”
“I don’t care.” He grabs the makeshift ice pack out of my hand and puts it down on the counter. I try to move away if he isn’t going to let me ice his lip, but he pulls me back before I can make it far. Turning me to face him, he asks seriously, “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
I shake my head, looking down.
He catches me beneath the chin, forcing me to look up at him. Then he locks an arm around my waist, cradling the side of my face with his other one. “You sure?”
I try to pull away, but his grip only tightens. “You didn’t hurt me, Killian. You pissed me off. I said no and I meant it. I made up my mind that whatever happened before, once you slept with her, you wouldn’t—”
“I haven’t slept with her.”
My heart stops and my gaze snaps to his. I stop fighting. I’m too stunned. “What?”
He shakes his head. “Why would I? I told you you’re the only one I want.”
“But… you’ve been spending time with her like a couple. You’ve been planning your wedding.”
He shrugs. “It’s an arranged marriage, Brynn, not a love match. She knows I still want you. Why would I muddy the waters by sleeping with a woman I don’t want? Why would I hurt the one I do want that way?”
My heart fills up. I never even dared to hope…
I lock my arms around his neck, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss against his cheek since I’m not sure where it hurts from all the punching.
His grip on me tightens, but this time it feels less like a prison and more like an affectionate gesture.
I hate how relieved I feel because I know this is only a temporary reprieve. If he marries her, he’s going to sleep with her, and he still isn’t mine.
It just feels like he is right now.
The way he dangles hope and then drags it away… maybe it’s cruelty more than kindness, but I lap it up like a starving kitten.
I need it now, though. I can pretend my boundaries are still intact and he hasn’t destroyed them. I can imagine he won’t just cross them in the future once he does marry her because I don’t know how I’ll ever bear that.
I think I wish I’d never met him, but since I have, I let him hold me. I pepper his face with the gentlest kisses I can, and when he sweeps an arm beneath me and lifts me up, I let him carry me in to his bed.
I let him lay me down and strip off my ruined clothes.
I watch him remove his.
I spread my legs and let him inside me, and all the time I pretend I’m the one allowing anything.
That I really, truly have a choice with him.
That he won’t drag me to hell and ruin my life all over again every time I start picking up the pieces.
He comes inside me.
Then he holds me.
And as I drift off to sleep in his arms, I feel as safe as I ever have in my life.
I know it’s a lie, but it’s a lie I let myself believe.
At least for one more night.