Chapter 12
Helena
“Oh wow,” I breathe. A moment later, Daniel wraps his coat around me. The musky scent of him covers me everywhere. All I can breathe is him as his warmth surrounds me. He steps closer behind me, and I await his touch. I expect him to wrap his arms around me, and if I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I need it. I need to feel the security of being in a man’s strong arms again.
I feel like if he could just hold me, if he could just squeeze me tight to his chest, that I could close my eyes and pretend that I truly am all of the things that I’m pretending to be. A woman down on her luck, who is even less fortunate in love, finds a generous, wealthy man to take care of her. I can be a woman who likes to stare at the stars again. That’s the woman I want to be more than anything.
“Do you like it?” Daniel asks. Somehow, it sounds as if he’s whispering directly in my ear, and it sends a thrill down my spine. “It’s one of the first places that I discovered when I was scoping out the town for business. I fell in love with the view. I knew I needed to settle here just so that I could come to this spot whenever I wanted.”
“It’s beautiful…I can’t believe that I never knew this was here.” I can’t seem to settle on one thing. I can’t understand everything that I’m seeing. The tops of oak and pine trees stretch for miles. They fade into the distant gray mountains. I can”t even see the tops of them from where I am. I can only see where they meet the clouds. But it”s what”s above them that I prefer over everything else.
I wish I could chart out the stars above me all at once. I could sit here for hours.
“Thank you so much for bringing me here and sharing this with me.”
I nudge him with my shoulder, hoping that might encourage him to touch me, but he just smiles.
“Who knew that the man who pushed me up against a wall this afternoon could be such a gentleman,” I push further and bat my eyelashes at him.
“When the situation calls for it.” He answers, but something darkens in his expression. The innuendo in his voice tells me that in other situations he can be just the opposite. Exactly how I like it. Accommodating in the streets, controlling in the sheets.
“My turn for a question?” I ask.
“Go ahead.” Daniel turns to face me, his hands in his pockets.
I turn to face him, reluctantly taking my gaze away from the stars. I take a step forward to bridge the gap between us. If he doesn”t make the ”end-of-the-night move,” I will. I”m not an easy woman, but I know what I want—and right now, I want him to give in to the same desires that drove him to pin me against the wall earlier. I want him to rail me beneath these magnificent stars. I believe that if he does, it will somehow restore balance to my soul.
I didn’t realize how much I missed views like this and cool nights like these.
As I tighten Daniel”s jacket around me, I can feel the anxiety leaving my shoulders. All that worry for what? I almost missed the most romantic moment I”d experienced in months. The scene is reminiscent of a painting. That was something else I did while I was Helena. Paint. But that”s one habit I”m glad to be rid of.
Whatever happens tonight, I”m going to have to start doing more things for myself. I need to reconnect with the things I desire.
I’ve been cooped up for so long. I’ve been staring at hospital ceilings and cheap textured walls for solong that I think I buried the part of me that needed this. If I’m going to make a life here, I need to allow parts of my true self to shine through. I’ve been so worried about looking over my shoulder that I thought I had to deprive myself of everything that I like just in case it ties me back to Helena.
Maybe Daniel will buy the town and go back to the city and never see me again. I think I could be okay with that, so long as we have this night.
“I’m just a simple music teacher. Henry’s teacher, at that. At least for as long as he lives here… so, why me?” My throat bobs as an unexpected lump of emotion bubbles to the surface. Can I be loveable as Sofia? Can I allow that for myself?
Daniel pulls his hand from his pocket and brushes a stray curl of dyed hair away from my face and back behind my ear. The tips of his fingers trail behind my ear and down the side of my neck, making me tingle everywhere. His fingers curl over my skin until his thumb rests against my chin, and he lifts my face with the rest of his fingers under my jaw. “You’re so much more than that, aren’t you?”
I don’t know why I feel like I’m on the brink of tears. Half of me panics at his words. That half of me assumes that he knows everything—and that this is the end.
“If I hadn’t seen you play earlier, I would have thought that I had you all figured out. The challenge, I think, is to find out exactly what—or who—you are,” Daniel continues softly. His lips are so close to mine that they ghost over them as he speaks.
My heart stops in my chest. The panicked, terrified half of me is winning.
“What do you mean?” I whisper. I feel raw and exposed. My logical half is at odds with my panic. It explains that we haven”t told him anything, that we have been cautious, and that he has no way of knowing the truth. It says I”m overreacting and that all I need to do right now is enjoy this moment... and that the handsome man is about to kiss me.
My fight or flight reflex is at war inside my chest and can’t make up its mind.
I let my eyes flutter closed, waiting for his kiss or answer.
“I think you know exactly what I mean.”
The kiss doesn’t come, and I look up at him expectantly… but in the span of that blink he seems to have changed. All of the bright smiles and wrinkles at the corner of his eyes are gone. In its place is a cold, bitter mask of control.
I start to shake my head that I don’t understand, and everything between us changes. My heart feels like it’s going to stop in my chest. Daniel’s hand shifts and his fingers close around my throat firmly. His lips curl in a derisive sneer as he pulls me closer by my throat.
I hate that my body is perpetually hardwired to get turned on by such things.
The fear and arousal stampede side by side through my whole body.
“Some honesty now, if you please.”
My eyes widen as he confirms all of my worst fears with a single sentence. I feel like I’m going to collapse and cry, but my fight instinct finally takes over. My hands spring up and start to shove steadily at Daniel who doesn’t so much as budge. Oxygen is quickly becoming a limited supply item. My lungs are starting to burn, but I can’t manage to put enough distance between us to pry his fingers from my throat. He’s so much larger than I am, so I can’t even maneuver around him to scratch and claw at him.
I’m going to die here.
Just like I thought.
I should have known better than to think that I could ever have something like this.
The finality of it breaks something inside of me. I put an end to pushing and fighting. One tear falls down the side of my cheek. What exactly is the point? Nikolai will never give up. I”m not sure how these two men are related, but does it really matter? If it isn”t Daniel, it will be someone else. It will never end. Nikolai will continue to find people to come and find me. What am I even living for? I don”t have anything or anyone else besides Abram.
Daniel loosens his hold slightly, confused by my change in attitude.
“So that’s what all of this has been about?” I say hoarsely. I can feel every syllable against his crushing grip. “A last meal and a final act of kindness to send me to the afterlife?”
A single tear rolls down the side of my face, and I close my eyes. “Just do it then. Get it over with.”
After all, he could have been crueler to me. He could have done it in the school and traumatized all of those poor students. He could have done it at my house and then killed Abram for good measure. At least this way, the only person that I care about will be safe.
Daniel laughs bitterly. “Oh, I will… but I’m going to make you mine first. You don’t deserve to slip away so gently after everything that you’ve done.”
I wonder what Nikolai has told him. I can’t assume that it was much. Nikolai never would have admitted to anything that would paint him in a negative light. He must be the best and strongest at all things all at once. Daniel likely was told that I’m a murderer. I can’t even deny it. I won’t pretend that I’m sorry either.
So, that was the plan all along? Get me alone so that he can torture me where nobody can hear my screams? I want to know how he found me. So long as Abram’s okay, I guess it doesn’t matter in the end. I’m absolutely terrified. I don’t know what he plans to do, but I know that at least it won’t last long.
But he surprises me again.
His soft lips crash firmly down on mine, and I moan a sigh of relief so strong that my knees almost buckle. My body melts into his hold as the pressure around my neck tightens slowly once more. I know there’s no point in escaping. I don’t think I would try to fight him again even if I could. I don’t want to. If I’m about to die, I can at least taste this man first.
Daniel’s kiss is cruel and as bruising as his touch. If I weren’t going to die tonight, I would be wearing the imprints of his touch for weeks to come. There’s something so liberating about knowing that the end is near. Something tranquil that makes every touch electric. At least I can have this. I can have this one last moment of happiness under the stars, just like I wanted.
I have half a mind to thank him.
All of my fears and worries and constantly looking over my shoulder—it’s over now.
Daniel’s jacket falls off of my shoulders as I slip my arms around his to reach up and cup his neck, pulling him closer to me. He freezes for a moment, making sure that I’m not going to fight this or him. I want this… so much more than I ever thought was possible.
He clearly wasn’t expecting me to react so willingly, but his movements are only stuttered for a moment before we find our pace again.
I run my tongue over his bottom lip before capturing it in my teeth and pulling slightly. Daniel groans, and it only fuels me further. His hands are everywhere, sliding around my neck and up into my hair. He fists a chunk of it on the back of my head and pulls hard, trying to remove me from my prize. I only release his lip to moan in pleasure.
I always did have a thing for pain, and this is of the sweetest kind.
He bends and grabs my ass with his free hand, pulling me up. The skirt of my dressis just stretchy enough for me to completely wrap my legs around his waist, pressing my smaller frame against his. He holds my head back and kisses the sensitive, hot skin of my neck.
I rake my fingers against his scalp as he hisses in discomfort. I want more, and I know that he’s more than capable of giving it to me. His teeth close over the tendon in my neck, and I whimper in submission.
More.I need more.
I need everything that he can give me, and I need it to count. I want to wear his love bites everywhere. I want black and blue fingerprints to mark every intimate part of me, and I won’t apologize for it.
I pull his hair again and curl myself around his head, pushing myself upward with my thighs as I hungrily reclaim his lips. His hands drop to my waist, holding me steady as we start to move. He drops me heavily on the hood of his car but doesn’t let his lips leave mine. His hands roam over my torso, looking for the tie to my dress, and he undoes it roughly when he finds it.
Cold night air hardens my already budding nipples when he rips the dress off of me. The sound of fabric tearing follows as he discards the rest of it until I’m sitting completely bare before him.
He breaks our kiss only long enough to confirm that I wasn’t wearing anything underneath the dress. His brow lifts in surprise.
I assert myself and press my tongue against my teeth. Clearly, I had hoped to sleep with him if the date went well. There”s no point in denying it now. He would have known much sooner if he had allowed his hand to travel up my thigh in the car. Helena is not a shy, small-town girl like Sofia. If I”m going to die for Helena”s crimes, I”ll die as Helena and take whatever I want.
I grab him by the center of his shirt and haul him toward me with all of the strength that I have left. I kiss him insistently. I want to taste everything that he is. No more pretending. No more lies. It’s been years since I felt this free.