Chapter 32
THIRTY-TWO
Floating...sinking...drowning...
This feeling all too familiar.
Silence deafening, the compression in my lungs, suffocating.
I'd felt like this, how many times before?
The weighing sensation of my mind, so impossible to drag myself up and out of my thoughts like concrete, pulling my soul downward, down, deep.
I tried to pull the cover out from over my head but couldn't move. My eyelids, dense and heavy; my arms like anchors; my thoughts muddled.
I didn't want to face the world again.
Not today.
The darkness had crept in while I was sleeping and now, I would drown in my misery.
I would allow it. Just for a couple of days.
Knight was here...somewhere? He'd just been by my side, his bare chest against my arm, his arm binding against my ribs. Keeping me nestled into his warmth.
The burning in my lungs grew and billowed, slowly pulling me from my sleep. My weighted eyelashes forced open.
Blink. Once. Twice.
Panic setting in, as the rippling world of white and blue filled my vision. Tiled squares and white lines, as checkered as my past, filling the spaces.
The hotel pool.
I opened my mouth to scream, releasing a burst of air, the bubbles escaping to the surface, leaving me behind.
I've been here before.
Water filled my mouth, the panic inside shooting outward, a shriek in the night.
I was drowning.
Knight had spoiled me with a spa and hotel stay. Wrapped in fluffy robes, we ate in the room, then made love. I'd fallen asleep, ensconced in the safety of his arms.
...And woken to this hell.
They must've drugged me!
My arms were bound to a chair, the rope burning, digging into my skin as I struggled to free myself.
My hair floated upwards, the darkness silhouetted against the moon overhead, the burning in my lungs growing stronger.
Knight!
Somehow they'd managed to take me from him.
Was he still alive?
My thoughts were foggy and confused. I had to focus. I yanked my arm upward. The burning of the rope jerked me awake.
I blinked rapidly, trying to see through the chlorinated water, trying to find something, anything, that would help me.
My bare toes scratched against concrete flooring, my ankles bound to cold metal, the pain against my skin a sign that they were also tied to the chair.
If only...if only I'd had my clothes, not the new ones Knight had bought me. If only he'd allowed me to go to my house to collect my things. I'd have a small blade stitched into my nightgown. Instead I was forced to wear this useless lingerie.
The lack of oxygen was getting to my brain. The burning in my chest, growing heavy. I only had seconds before I would involuntarily suck in a breath. Pulling in water that would drown me.
I pushed, as hard as I could muster. Slowly moving upwards.
Maybe I could catch a breath of air.
Just to keep me alive. Even a sip!
The chair propelled up, up, my hair blinking out the light.
My eyelids were heavy, a slow blink . Darkness.
I was back on the pool floor again.
Another slow blink.
Floating on my side.
Lungs fucking burning .
I was going to die. Panic overrode the urge to sleep. I jerked and thrashed.
I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die.
Time slowed down. Flashes of white spots across my eyelids, faces from my past that haunted me still.
Knight when he was young, still fresh-faced and happy as he handed me a shell.
Flickers of the faces of my parents, of the only friend I had in Russia, an old language, the words still fresh in my mind as she'd given me her red ribbon. The one I'd given to Knight and then cut into pieces, as if it'd meant nothing to me.
Darkness began to descend, pulling me under.
No!
I was Tatiana Krapivnik and I wasn't going to go out like this.
Tied to some fucking chair and drowning in a hotel pool like a weakling.
Using the last of my energy, I thrashed and kicked, my lungs on fire, my thoughts so muddled, I barely knew what I was doing anymore.
I forced myself to think. To focus on one thing, and one thing only. Getting free.
Using the last of my energy, I jerk, jerk, jerked my wrist until the knot loosened. Black spots danced before my eyes, I managed to yank it from its hold.
My fingers, slow and clumsy, I pulled another knot loose.
Now, my ankles.
I blinked. Was I moving?
My fingers were slow, the rope tight.
Only one ankle left, but I wasn't going to make it.
I pushed from the ground, the pressure in my lungs building, building, burning, burning, panic .
Death.
I couldn't hold on any longer. The pressure in my lungs was too strong.
My instincts took over, my mouth opened without my permission to drag in much needed oxygen.
The darkness filtered in, the edges of my mind too fuzzy to remember, to stay awake, to stay alive.
I was so tired.
A flicker of a shadow, then right before the darkness...
Cold, black eyes.
A sneer of contempt.
A soft whimper.
"Are you unhappy, pajarita?”
* * *
"Tatiana." Another voice filled my mind, the one that constantly flitted through my memories like golden silk brushing across my skin. "Tati."
I blinked, not wanting to open my eyes to my reality, but something was dragging me from the darkness.
Soft lights, a cool breeze across my skin. Goosebumps prickling across my skin.
Knight's face.
I blinked again. This couldn’t be real, could it?
I didn’t know what was real anymore.
"Knight?" My throat was raw, my body shaking.
"'Thank God," he pulled me to him, his strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me up and into his warmth.
"Am I..." I leaned into him, resting my head against his chest, unable to force out the words. If this was a hallucination, I didn't want to wake up.
"You're alive," his words wrapped around me, comforting, "you're safe." His voice was filled with a desperate edge, almost as if he was trying to comfort himself and not me. The tightened band of steel of his arms around me convinced me that this was real.
"I thought I was going to die," I croaked out.
Somehow he'd found me and saved me from drowning in the pool.
"Never," his arms tightened even more around me. "I'll never let that happen.'
I blinked my eyes closed, unable to accept his words. In this life, safety was never guaranteed. That's why I'd worked so hard to become strong on my own. To learn how to fight, to kill before someone killed me. I never wanted to be helpless again.
Being with Knight again was muddling my senses. Making me weak. Like when I was a kid.
I needed to stop this before I became too dependent on him again. What if he left me again?
I could never go back to being that woman. "Knight."
Soft words, mumbled into his chest, but he still released me, pulling back to look into my eyes. "Yes, baby."
My lower lip trembled and I bit into it to stop it, even though the rest of my body was still jerking uncontrollably. "You have to let me go."
He seemed startled before his grip intensified. "What?"
"You have to let me go," I brushed wet hair from my eyes, suddenly feeling drained in a way I hadn’t in a long time. "I can't keep relying on you." He was already shaking his head, but I rushed to try to convince him. "I came to you when they kidnapped and drugged me. I can’t do this. Not anymore."
"Tatiana, I told you, I'm never going to let you go."
"You have to," I insisted.
"No, I don't," he countered firmly. His expression flickered, then grew darker as he masked whatever emotion he was feeling. "They? This was the same people who drugged you?"
"I...." I shrugged my shoulders helplessly, wishing I had an answer. "I don't know."
"And if you did, would you tell me?" I was silent for a long moment. We were going back into dangerous territory. "It was Carlos," he said.
"What?"
"I dug a hole in the desert, and put Carlos in it."
There was a sudden knot in my throat. "My necklace."
He nodded. "Carlos said it was someone from Veracruz. It must be an old enemy of mine." He chuckled darkly. "If so, they waited a long goddamn time. I killed off those fuckers nine years ago."
"After they killed your family," I defended him fiercely.
"They deserved it," he agreed. He stared out across the pool thoughtfully. "Carlos said a man named caminante was after us. Do you know anyone named that?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Or how it might relate to his nickname? You know those cartel fuckers are superstitious. They'd call him that for a reason."
I tried to think. There was a hint of familiarity that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, like a flavor I’d tasted before but couldn't name. When I tried, the familiarity would vanish. "I don't know." I sighed, rubbing my eyes. I was exhausted. "I'm sorry."
"When I find out who it is, I will kill him, then every goddamn cartel member who helped him."
"Antonio." I whispered, remembering that guy who'd tried to rape me, but Antonio stopped him.
"Who?" Knight's stare was intense.
"No one." A soft breeze blew my hair, making a shiver work its way up my spin.
"Come on." He helped me up from the ground. "We need to find somewhere safe. Then we're going to figure out who the hell this caminante is."