Chapter 43
FORTY-THREE
I slept for three whole days.
Three days of dreams and nightmares, mixed with all my hopes and fears, where dead men came to life and knights fought for sweet little princesses named Honey.
I'd passed out for only a few seconds and awoken in Knight's arms, shaking.
Honey was still alive but Antonio wasn't.
I couldn't watch as they'd taken care of his body, my feelings about him too mixed and confusing, but I made certain to watch as we cut Manuel's head from his body and buried him in different sections of the desert like he was some kind of vampire.
A wave of satisfaction and relief had welled up within me, a feeling more powerful than I ever could have imagined.
He was dead.
Dead dead.
The heavy burden I had been carrying had finally been lifted, and I felt a lightness that had eluded me for a long time.
After that, I'd barely showered and eaten, trying to come to terms with everything that had happened the past few weeks. It felt like a lifetime ago since Knight had claimed me in front of a crowd of mafia men.
And now, I was in a dark room in some fancy hotel room in Cabo San Lucas, after Knight insisted we leave Vegas for a while. As soon as we'd arrived, an oppressive sense of fatigue had descended upon me, more powerful than anything I had ever experienced before and, once more, I was dead to the world.
Then, sometime in the fuzzy space between dawn and daybreak on the fourth day, I'd awoken to Knight holding me close on the hotel bed. His arm was under my neck, his face buried into the crook of it, with his other arm wrapped around my waist.
The shutters were drawn closed, no lights were on.
I'd woken, lost and drowning in a sea of my nightmares, with him comforting me in the stillness.
"Tell me everything," he'd said, once I'd calmed.
"I don't know where to start."
"Start at the beginning."
And so, I began. The whole story came tumbling out as we'd laid in the dark. My words flowing, lost to the memories as I was thrown back in time to the endless days and nights when Manuel had complete control over my body.
It had started out small: he suggested I trade out tacos for fruit and veggies.
I'd thought it sweet. That he cared about my health.
Then it became where I sat at the table, which shoes I wore, how I styled my hair.
Slowly it turned into more and more, and it was after he started dictating every single aspect of my life that I realized it wasn't concern for me at all , but rather, control .
But, by then, I was in too deep.
I couldn't leave the house without permission, and when I did, I had to have his guards with me for my "protection." And, when I tried to leave him, their protection quickly changed to dragging me back to his house and locking me up.
But it didn't stop there.
His control over me grew and grew until I couldn't get up from bed in the morning without his explicit permission.
He dictated every single aspect of my life: which rooms I could go into in the house, how much time I spent outside in the fresh air, if the shutters were open or closed.
I couldn't even look out the window to the sea beyond without asking him first.
And, once I started to rebel, to eat an apple when he'd listed oranges only, when I showed up to the party in the red dress, instead of the black one, small things like that--that's when he began to experiment with different poisons as a way to control me.
And he didn't stop until he found the perfect one--poison from the deathstalker scorpion.
And then, he had complete control over me, whenever he wanted .
"I remember, there was this one night." I'd been talking in the darkness for what seemed like hours, "I'd been married to him for seven months and my whole world was crashing around me. And the whole time, I still hadn't forgotten you.
"I thought you must be out there, enjoying your life, probably in love with someone else. Maybe even married. And she was pregnant with your kid. And you two were so happy.
"And here I was, stuck in Cuba, with no way out, because he'd taken all of the money you'd left me. He kept my passport in a safe, and didn't let me have access to a phone, except to call his number.
"My only connection to the outside world was through him. I was trapped in this world that existed second by second.
"And I counted them all, sometimes. Desperate for something to occupy my mind.
"I would watch the clock, watch the second hand move. They were so minuscule, the movements. And that was what my day was like.
"Watching that fucking clock that I wanted to smash into pieces. But if I broke it, I would get into trouble." I took in a deep breath, feeling lost and lonely and in so much pain as I remembered that time.
"And then, one day, I was on the beach. He'd gone to a party and he knew there would be other women there. Women he wanted to fuck. So he left me at home.
"He'd locked me inside the house but I managed to get out through the window.
"And I knew that I couldn’t get off the property, that he had that tracker installed in my arm and had guards all around the property.
"I couldn't run but I could stare at the night sky.
"So that's what I did.
"I lay on the beach and let the watch inch closer and closer...until it tickled my toes, then my ankles...
"And soon, it was up to my legs and then my chest and my neck."
Knight pulled in a breath, holding it tight, his chest pressing against my back, but he didn't speak, didn't say a word, just let me continue.
"But it wasn't the clock I was staring at anymore.
"I was out in the open and staring up at the sky, wishing that the waves would wash up on the shore and wash not only my body, but my mind, away.
"Because, most of the time, it wasn't only my body that was in pain, but my mind.
"I lived in a trap, something that I could never escape, no matter how far I ran, how many drugs I took, I always came back to myself.
"And I just wanted, for that one moment, to silence the thoughts inside my mind.
"And I was closing my eyes, and the waves were getting higher and higher and I was floating as the waves came crashing in and they began to drag me out to sea.
"And, as soon as I began to move, I opened my eyes, ready for the peace that the release would give me.
"And I looked up at the stars and you know what I thought about?"
“What?” Knight's voice was filled with sadness and agony, as if he was going through these memories alongside me.
"I didn't think about how happy I would be to be gone. To never exist anymore. I saw the stars and I thought about you."
"You did?" His fingers around my waist tightened.
I nodded. "I remembered the day we'd met. That was the first time in my life that I grew to know someone my age. And not only were you my age but you were happy. I mean, you actually laughed and spoke to other adults like you were their equal. And they listened to you, like you were someone important.
"And then, you...you looked at me like I was someone important.
"And that night after the hurricane, when the whole world around us was destroyed and the ocean was in the streets and the buildings in the city were gone, you held my hand and promised that you would take care of me. And I believed you, Knight." I wiped a tear away. "I believed you. And I clung to that promise my whole life. Even when you couldn't save me, just knowing that I had you on my side helped me get through the worst times of my life. When that man took my virginity, and when my parents forced me to take heroin, and then, when I was taking it on my own.
"And then, when your family died, I wanted to be there for you. But you pushed me away. You pushed me away and then you ran away, as far and as fast as possible.
"I'm so sorry," he groaned softly, burying his face into my hair, and I could feel the force of his agony bleed into me. "So sorry."
"But that night," I kept going, as if in a trance, "that night when the ocean came in and I wanted to drift away and sink into its depths and never return, I clung on to my life.
“I clung to my life because of you, Knight.
"Because I hated you for leaving me and for not letting me be there for you like you were for me.
"Because you abandoned me and left me to be used and abused by the psychopath that was my husband.
"Because, every single fucking day, I longed to hold you and touch you and see your face again.
"And my hatred for you helped me hang on, but the one thing that really kept me from allowing myself to be dragged out to sea was that I also still loved you, Knight.
"You are my person.
"You're it, Knight.
"The only one for me.
"And that love for you, even though I hadn't seen you in years, came pouring out.
"It filled up my legs and my stomach. And then my chest and arms. Until it moved up my throat and into my face and out my eyes.
"I still loved you, Knight. And that's what gave me the energy to swim back to shore and crawl up the sand and drag myself back through the window.
"That's what gave me the strength to wash myself off so that Manuel wouldn't know that I'd been outside. To clean off the wall and the floor where I'd tracked sand.
"And gave me the strength to suffer through every single minute of his abuse from then on out.
"I clung to my love for you, Knight.
"So, even when you weren't standing there, next to me. You still saved me.
"And I knew, I knew that one day, I had to love myself more than you, but until then, I determined to use you like you'd used me. To use my love for you to get me through each second of that goddamn clicking clock.
"Until one day, I loved you enough to stand up for myself.” I stared off in the distance, seeing that night in my mind. “My love for you gave me the energy to pick up a knife and use it to slice across his throat. And it was just enough energy to go through with it all the way. To stand over him and watch him bleed out.
"Or, I thought he did anyway.
"And then I crawled my way outside, where I waited to die.
"And, be it fate or whatever you want to call it, but it was then that I looked at the stars once more and thought of you.
"Thought of you and that starlit night sky, when you gave me a promise that I never forgot.
"And that was the exact night that Rook finally discovered where I was.
"And he found me like that.
"Staring up at the night sky, blood on my hands...
"Still loving you.”
I finally turned to face him. There was just enough light in the room to see his eyes, shining with unshed tears. "And that's why I have to leave you."
"What?"
"Don't you see, Knight? My whole life, I literally lived for you . But that's not what I need anymore."
"But I...I love you, Tatiana. I can't be without you." He clasped my hand, the depth of his emotions evident in his eyes. "I love you."
The words I'd longed to hear my whole life, and yet...it wasn't enough.
"You say that you love me but I...I...," I suddenly realized the truth. "I don't believe you."
"How? How can you say that? I've never told anyone I loved them. Not my mom or dad, or even Coulter. I killed family for you--killed Pablo after I found out that he sold you to that man. For you, Tati. For you. Only you."
"Then why? Why Knight? Why leave me?"
"I don't know," his eyes moved over my face, as if searching for the answers within it, his throat bobbing. "I was a coward."
"That's not an excuse."
"But it's the truth. I thought I could never love you like you deserved. Ever since I was a kid, I made a promise that I would never become my parents. They hated each other. And I didn't want that to become you and me. And I realized how much I loved you, that I would do anything for you, that I would kill for you. And that scared the shit out of me."
"Why?"
"Because I didn't trust you."
I inhaled a sharp breath, pain shooting through me.
"But it wasn't just you, Tatiana. I didn't trust anyone. Not my parents, they were the first to teach me that people are selfish and you can't rely on anyone. I didn't trust my friends, they only wanted me for what I could give them. And I... I've only come to realize lately that I didn't even trust Coulter or Dante or Bourbon like I should. I didn't trust you and I didn't even trust myself . Because I thought that I would betray you like my parents betrayed each other. Like they forced me to betray Rook. That if I came back for you, I would betray you, too. Worse than I already had. And I couldn't do that. I didn't want us to grow old, hating and cheating on each other. I thought...I thought if I left you when you were old enough, that you would find someone. Someone better than me. Because I was a terrible person--I betrayed everyone I loved and I couldn't stop myself! I was weak and selfish. Always doing what was best for me. I was a coward. But I know the truth now. I should've trusted you, and my family, and Rook. I know better now. And I'll change, because I love you, Tatiana. I love you and never want to let you go."
"Knight, you can't keep me caged up." My voice was soft, but firm. And I ached. God, I ached inside. Despite everything I had gone through with Manuel, or my parents, this, THIS! was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. To walk away from the man I loved, finally giving himself to me, in order to truly be happy. "I need to find myself. To know who I am without anyone, to be my own self."
"No," the ragged edges of his voice cut through my heart. I could feel his pain in his words. "No."
"Please understand," I couldn't hide my own agony bleeding through my voice, "I need to look in the mirror and not want to die."
A small inhale, eyes wide, staring at me in surprise. Beautiful creek-brown eyes that I'd loved from the moment I'd seen them. Even as a child, I'd loved Knight. That would never change.
And yet...
And yet, I needed to love myself more than I loved him. And, until that happened, I could never truly love another.
"But. I can help you."
"No," I shook my head. "No. You can't. I can't rely on anyone else."
"Okay," he kissed my forehead. "Okay. I understand. If you need this, I'll give it to you."
"No you won't." It slipped out. I'd opened my heart tonight. Bore myself to him and couldn't stop the thoughts and feelings from bleeding through me. "You'll abandon me the minute I walk away." My voice was choking, pain tearing into my heart. "You won't fight for me."
I was so afraid. I was afraid because we'd been here before. I needed to find myself but I also needed him to miss me. To be there for me when I was ready.
But I knew he wouldn't.
God, how many times had I seen it happen in the past? All the women at the clubs, with desperate gazes at the man who never gave his heart away.
He'd done it to me before, he would do it again.
"I will. I'll be here when you're ready."
" I'm never getting married. Remember you said that to me?"
"I was a kid!"
"And you were also telling the truth! It has always been your truth. The only person you gave your heart to was Honey, and that's okay," I cupped his face. "She's a special girl. She deserves all the love you give her." Reaching up, I kissed him, slowly, gently, committing the taste of his lips to memory. "I need to say goodbye, Knight. I'm leaving, today. Now." I had my passport and wallet. That was all I needed. I was leaving everything else behind.
At this, his lip trembled, and he began to shake his head. "No," he choked out, clutching my jaw. My side. He kissed me again. "No, Tatiana."
"Yes, Knight. I'm no longer anyone's pajarita, no longer the little bird, kept in a cage. I need to spread my wings. To grow into who I'm going to be as a person. To fill this life with myself. To be the version of myself that will love myself." I pulled out of his embrace, putting some much needed space between us, before I gave in and stayed with him forever.
"I'll be here, I swear it." His eyes were so soulful, so sorrowful.
I smiled, but my heart squeezed tight in my chest.
Because I knew it wasn't true.
The truth that I was afraid to admit out loud was that I wanted him to chase me. God, did I want that.
To show me that he really cared enough about me. To prove to me that he would pursue me to the ends of the earth because I was that special to him.
But I could never admit that, because I thought it was probably better not to want.
And, really, truly...I didn't believe.
He would never chase. He would never care that much.
I really believed this.
My parents hadn't. Rook hadn't.
...And Knight wouldn't, either.
And so, I had to fight for myself.
I was the only one who could do it...
I stood, my heart breaking, bleeding, pouring, all over again. "Goodbye, Knight."