Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
Rays of light shimmered, bedazzling the coral in bright blues and greens, mixed with the sandy bottom of the ocean. It reminded me of the time I knelt on scorching hot planks, overlooking the water, watching Knight as he scoured the sandy bottom of the ocean, looking for the perfect shell.
The memory threatened to burst through my mind, like air bubbles rising to the surface.
Instead of letting it go, I pocketed it, pushing it down and holding it close.
It was better for me to feel my emotions. I knew that, now.
I was finally getting used to letting them out--to not see my sadness or anger as weakness. But, rather, a way for my body to communicate my needs to me.
Feeling an emotion was my brain’s way of showing me that my heart needed care, just like being in pain meant my body needed attention.
And, just like I needed to eat and drink regularly to give my body energy, I needed to do things to give my heart the love and care it needed.
And I was getting better.
It had been six months of therapy.
Trying different medicines until I found the right one.
Keeping up routines of exercise and work.
And, when the nights got too lonely, I used something to help me fall asleep.
I was okay accepting that I needed help sometimes.
However, there were still some things that were too painful to let go--memories like phantoms, flickering into my mind without warning.
One day I would have the courage to let them go, but not today.
And that was okay.
Instead, I blinked, focusing on the coral below. Pumping my feet, I pushed down and through the water, swimming through the beauty of the ocean, careful to watch out for eels.
A shadow passed overhead, blocking the sun, and I glanced towards it, then jolted at the sight before me.
Suddenly, I couldn't breathe.
Impossible .
Waiting until I was completely out of breath, I steered upwards, kicking hard until I broke the surface. Sucking in a deep breath, I looked around, unable to trust myself.
Knight's ghost haunted me everywhere I went, but never had it looked so real as it had just then. I studied the empty bay, catching my breath, trying to ignore the twisting in my belly.
And then, there was a movement that caught my attention, and then my breath, because the time had finally come.
I was having a breakdown.
I'd completely lost it and needed to be checked into an institution, because I was hallucinating that Knight was here in Costa Rica.
I blinked and he was even closer.
Panic slammed through me. He was actually here.
At the sight of his determined look peeking out over the water, the copper gleam of his hair, the fire in his eyes, swimming towards me--
I ran, like the coward that I was.
I dove back underwater, pushing below the waves, and swam towards shore. When it got too shallow to swim, I ripped off my flippers.
I darted through the waves, cursing them for hindering my speed. Eyes on my keys, glinting in the sun, still feet away.
Sounds of splashing behind me--he was close.
Suddenly, Knight's firm chest surrounded me. His fingers gripped tight as he hauled us out of the water and onto the beach.
I kicked and struggled, not even sure why I was fighting him.
I missed him every damn day, but this, him showing up here, out of the blue...I couldn't...I didn't...."What are you doing?"
"Holding you," His voice was a deep growl that set my heart racing and my blood on fire.
"Wha...How.. I--" I didn't know what to say, a mixture of raw emotions swirling through me as he carried me to my stuff.
"If I set you down, are you going to run?" he asked when we reached my blanket.
I shook my head. "No." I hated how weak my voice sounded.
As soon as my toes hit the sand, I grabbed my keys, then sprinted towards my car.
"Tati!"
I was only three steps away when he tackled me from behind. We crashed to the ground in a mixture of sand and arms and legs, grunts and an exhalation of breath, and pain and anger.
"Why?" I cried out, squirming to get out from under him.
"Tati! Stop fighting me." His hips pressed onto mine, his chest covering my back. "I just want a chance to speak. That's it." His lips met the skin of my neck, suckling kisses across my skin, and I...I melted under his touch.
I'd missed him so much. His voice, his laughter, his fingertips on my skin, his smell that reminded me of home and sunshine and happiness.
Just last night, I'd sat alone under a starlit sky, wishing him here. If only to remind myself how alive I was when I was with him.
And now, my wish on that star had come true.
And yet, was I ready for him? The ever presence of his light, brilliant and burning. The same light that had scorched both of us.
Was I strong enough to be enough, not only for him, but for myself?
I wasn't sure.
I'd come so far, grown so much. And yet, as much as I loved myself more than before-- was it enough ?
My heart sunk with the weight of my thoughts, despite the absolute longing in my chest to be with him again.
"I made a promise to you, little polva. I would always be here." I was pressed into the ground, under the weight of his body. His fingers, rubbing the sand across my skin, harsh and foreboding, increased the pleasure billowing through me. "And I'm here to remind you of that."
I could barely think, barely breathe, I was surrounded by everything Knight.
"I'm not your polva." Despite my protest at his words, I was arching my back into him. "I may have been, once, but I'm no longer the dirt under your feet, for you to step on when you're feeling nostalgic."
His responding dark chuckle made goosebumps break out across my skin. "You never did understand me, Tatiana." His hand slid under my belly, his lips suckling my nape as his fingers slid under the bikini top. "I'm done waiting for you to see the truth." He pulled on my nipple, releasing a whimper from my lips.
"And what is that?" Did I sound as breathless as I felt? "That you like to torture me?"
"You wish," I could feel his grin against the skin of my back, my shoulder, down my side, his lips suckling. "I love you, Tatiana. I miss you. My world is nothing without you." His voice was low and ragged, his palm cupping my tit, squeezing it. "I came because I couldn't not come. Without you, I am nothing." His fingers moved lower, spreading fire across my skin. "You were always my shining, fiery star, blazing so bright across the sky. And I, a boy that could only follow in the wake of the burning ashes you left behind."
"You're lying." I ached, lust billowing, anticipation making me tremble as my ass raised to meet his quickly hardening cock. "I was nothing to you."
He groaned, grinding his hard dick into my bottom. "It's your pain that pulls me to you. That creates the world around me. I never despised you for your suffering, I loved you because of it." His teeth came down, sending sharp spikes straight to my core. "You are my fiery, black star, the whole of my universe, and I am nothing and no one without you."
"I don't believe you."
"Believe it." Teeth scraping down my back, his hand sliding under my bottoms, his finger sliding through my wetness. "You're my shining star, my stardust, the polvo de estrellas . I'll do whatever it takes to be with you."
My heart soared at his words, finally understanding. I'd interpreted polva to be dirt but it was the dust, stardust.
A moan ripped from my throat as I felt him, his hard body pressed against mine, the heat between us igniting a ferocious fire within me. "Fuck," I gasped, my voice heavy with lust. "Fuck me, Knight."
He chuckled darkly, rough hands tore my bikini bottoms to the side. His touch sent shivers up my spine as he jerked my hips upwards, freeing his rigid cock from his board shorts.
I gasped as he pushed deep inside me, my head spinning from the sudden pleasure and pain. "I missed this," I moaned, slamming backwards so he could fill me. "God, you feel so good."
His thrusts grew stronger, his voice more breathless. "Tell me there's no one else. Tell me there will never be anyone else. Tell me you feel for me the way I feel for you," he begged, his hands gripping my hips, jerking me harder and harder into him.
"Always," I told him. "There never was anyone else. It was always you, Knight."
He thrust harder, his finger sliding over my clit as he ravaged me, each movement driving me higher and higher, until I was dangling over the edge.
Then he pulled out and I cried out in frustration. Jerking on my hips, he shifted us until I was sitting in his lap, straddling him. But he didn't enter me. Instead his finger found my nub, and he began to circle it. I closed my eyes, clutching his shoulders, writhing against his touch.
He gripped my chin. "Look at me, Tatiana."
I blinked my eyes open. Meeting his determined, tenacious gaze.
Suddenly, the world around us was gone. The waves crashing, the hot sun overhead, the wind whipping my hair, and the fine sand below.
It was just me and him.
Intense.
Powerful.
Connected.
"I love you, Tatiana, you're everything to me. You are enough. You're loveable. You're a goddamn gift to this world. And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren't."
My eyes burned, warmth spreading through my face as he stroked me, bringing me back to the edge. "Say it with me as you come, Tatiana." He hooked two fingers up inside me, his gaze holding mine. "I'm enough."
Fear gripped me, tears dripping. I was afraid to say the words but his demanding tone made me automatically respond. "I'm enough."
"I love myself."
"Oh God!" My fingers dug into his skin, the tightly strung tension inside me bursting. "I'm coming."
"Say it as you come, Tati."
Fire ripped through me, my words garbled as the pressure between my legs detonated. "I love myself," I cried out. "Oh, God, Knight."
I was crying now, waves of emotions crashing like the ocean tide through me. Then he was inside me, thrusting into me. I had to cling onto him as he drove through my slickness. "Say it again," he commanded.
"I love myself," sparks of pleasure shot through me as he pounded, my words stuttering, "Lo-ove myself."
"Yesss," a deep groan escaped him, his lips consuming mine. "That's it." Thrusting. Pounding. Then, with one final shudder, he cried out, coming inside me. I felt as light as air, cherished and loved as his cum dripped from me. Then he was kissing me, soft and tender, murmuring, "I love you, baby, you're so beautiful, inside and out."
I clung to him, burying my face in his neck, my tears flowing from the depths of my soul, a release of anger, sadness, and pain.
It seemed to last an eternity as he held me, our breathing ragged, our skin slick with sweat. And when I opened my eyes, looking up at him, I saw in his gaze an intensity that both frightened and exhilarated me. His lips curled into a half-smile, and he kissed me deeply before pulling out of me.
Then he carried us back over to the blanket, and settled us so that he was on his back, holding me close, on top of him, our breathing the only sound in the stillness of the scorching day.
I felt like I was suspended in time, suspended in the fullness of the moment.
He loved me. He really did. I was enough for him , enough to track me down and chase after.
And yet, I was still trying to control the emotions inside me, biting down on my lip, trying not to howl and scream. Struggled desperately to contain the depths of my anguish and sadness. I wanted to cry out, to let it all go, but I couldn’t– not yet.
And that's when I knew I wasn't ready.
I would leave him, after tonight.
We'd go back to where I was staying and make love again, this time soft, sweet, and tender.
And then, when he woke, I wouldn't be in his arms, but instead, would have disappeared back into the night.
I wasn't ready. Not yet.