33. Harper
Chapter 33
Harper
When I wake up, I’m insanely comfortable.
Am I dead?
I try to shift my arm, but the pain punching through my torso puts a stop to that idea.
Can’t be dead…
Slowly, I open my eyes. Bronze light fixtures dangle from the ceiling, and creamy white paint adorns the walls. A soft, comfortable mattress cradles my back.
My vision is a little fuzzy, but I appear to be tucked into a large bedroom with several closed doors and a wide window showing the pre-dawn darkness.
Apart from those details, I have no clue where I am.
The last thing I remember is being strapped down…trying to escape…
My stomach lurches. Enzo! Where’s Enzo?
Did I manage to escape?
No. I would remember that.
Is this Enzo’s room?
My scalp and neck prickle, but for some reason, I feel at ease.
Snap out of it!
Just because I dreamed of Cian doesn’t mean I’m safe and everything’s okay. I need to keep my wits about me. Even if my entire body throbs and aches.
On the far side of the room, the double doors push open.
Every muscle in my body tenses. I jolt upright to prepare to fight for my life, hissing as fire stabs through my side.
Enzo will not take me. Not this time. I’d rather die resisting than fall into that monster’s clutches again.
Before panic claws me to the bone, Cian Mahoney enters the room, carrying a steaming mug of what must be black coffee.
I blink. Blink again. Am I dreaming? Hallucinating? Or is he really here?
Did Cian rescue me and bring me to this place?
A sob chokes me, spurring him to race to my side. “Harper? Are you in pain? What’s wrong?”
With growing wonder, my gaze traces his familiar features.
It’s really him.
I never thought I’d see Cian’s ridiculously beautiful face ever again, yet here he is.
Sniffling loudly, I reacquaint myself with the welcome sight of him.
Green eyes. That straight, handsome nose. A lush mouth I could kiss for the rest of my days. His skin is clean, but ash, dirt, and other bits of nature cake his hair.
Eager to sink my fingers into those dark curls, I lift my hand, but the strain that small motion puts on my torso causes me to wince and drop it.
Cian catches the reaction, and his own hands curl into fists.
Neither of us speak. We just stare at each other, absorbing the strangeness and comfort of the moment.
Finally, his throat bobs, and a glossy sheen coats his eyes. “Are you all right?”
The softness of his voice ghosts over me like a gentle breeze.
“I think so. Are you?” I croak.
His jaw clenches, irritation flicking across his face at lightning speed. “There you go again, worrying about other people when you should be focused on yourself, given the state you’re in.”
Confusion fogs my brain.
The state I’m in…
Trauma of the past twenty-four hours hits me like a meteor crashing into a planet.
Cian knows. He knows that my body’s been…
The thought dissolves half formed in my mind, too terrible to finish. A sob tears through me. Then another. And another. Each one rips at my chest, spearing my aching side.
But I can’t stop crying. I can’t.
Cian hurries into what must be the bathroom—though from here, it resembles an art exhibit—and returns wielding a cloth rag.
“You’re going to reopen your wound.” Cian dabs my cheeks, trying to dry my face even as the tears keep pouring.
I can’t breathe.
My world is on fire in the worst way.
Everything goes up in flames. My hopes. My desires. My shot at a new life. Even this thing with Cian is over.
Enzo cut me open and stole a piece of my body.
Sure, the part he pilfered was just a piece of my rib, but I’m as disgusted and horrified as if he stole one of my arms or legs. I feel violated, like my body no longer belongs to me. Like a rag doll with part of the stuffing ripped.
Deflated. Empty.
The place where he cut me might heal, but my mind won’t. For all I know, he did other things to me, too, all while I dozed in a chemical slumber. The surgery means that at the very least, he saw part of me naked.
A shiver pules over me. I don’t want to be alone with myself right now.
Why would anyone else want to be?
Cian mops my face once more, and when my vision clears, I catch his eyes with mine. He stares at me like the sight hurts him.
It hurts me too.
Fear and dysmorphic shame are strangling the life out of me, but the pain stops. It can’t reach me when Cian’s eyes are on mine.
“What is it?” His voice is urgent. “What do you need?—”
“A doctor examined me, right?” At his cautious nod, I wet my dry lips and gather my courage. “Did they check to see if…did Enzo…could the doctor tell if he did anything else to me while I was asleep?”
Comprehension dawns on Cian’s face. His eyes squeeze shut before he opens them and grabs both of my hands. “Honey, no. There’s no reason at all to suspect that anyone touched you in that way. I promise.”
A trickle of relief washes the worst of my fears away. Enzo still violated me, but at least not like that .
I inflate my lungs and summon my courage again. “Make love to me.”
At first, he gawks as if I asked him to round up some friends for a quick orgy. Then, his expression softens. “Harper,” he says in a tender tone.
“Please?” My voice sounds all wrong, like a stranger is speaking through my mouth.
Maybe I’ll never sound like myself ever again.
Oh, god.
“You’re in no condition for that.” Cian shakes his head, frustration clear in the tightness around his eyes. “After what I…you and me…I can’t. It would be wrong.”
Cian’s words throw me down like a porcelain dinner plate. My heart shatters.
He’s saying that after what just happened, we’re over?
He’s not interested in me anymore?
I knew our dynamic would end. God knows, though, that this is not how I ever envisioned it happening. I didn’t expect things to end this soon, and I sure as fuck didn’t expect this much hurt.
This is like the moon falling out of the sky, like stars going black.
A guarantee of dark nights to come.
I managed to stop crying a second ago, but now I’m breaking down all over again.
Pretty soon, I’ll dehydrate myself from crying alone.
Cian’s rejection lays waste to what’s left of me.
“Harper?” Concern softens his tone even more. “What is it? Do you need a doctor?”
“I’m contaminated.” Sobs shake my chest with pain.
He stills. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s true.” I hiccup.
The shame is immense . I hook my arm over my eyes and stuff my puffy face into the bend of my elbow to hide.
“You’re not making sense?—”
“You don’t…”
“I don’t what ?” His fingertips ghost my forearm. “Look at me.”
“You don’t… want me anymore…after what Enzo did to me.” The words come out pitchy, breathless, and pathetic.
Even to me.
Of course Cian’s not interested in sleeping with me again.
Even if he were, he’s in no condition for it. He just rescued me from God knows how much peril. I don’t even remember our escape, but given the circumstances, it’s a miracle we’re both in one piece.
Cian glares and rakes his hands through his hair while pacing back and forth beside the bed.
I know asking for sex is ridiculous, but there’s something wrong with me. I can’t calm down.
I don’t care if my request is unreasonable.
I’m desperate to know that I’m okay, that I’m still myself , and Cian’s the only person who can help me prove it. He was the last one to see me alive . Finn and Riley saw me breathing, but Cian was the last one to see me , the real, unhidden me, alive and well. Crazy as it seems, he might be the only person who can make me believe I’m still that person.
The truest version of who I am.
But I’ll never find out.
Because Cian doesn’t want to do this with me anymore?—
Cian stops pacing and hits me with a dark scowl. “ When the fuck did I say that ?”
He lunges, pinning my arms down at my sides with stunning speed and hulking over me on this giant mattress with a mix of incredulity, anger, and fear on his face.
My heart leaps at our sudden proximity, but there’s panic mixed in. Because my wrists… Cian’s restraining them with his hands, and I don’t want to think about the last time someone tied me down.
Though I fight the reaction, my body begins to tremble.
Hurt twists his features, and he releases me like my skin burned him. He removes himself from the bed and turns away. “I’ll let you sleep.”
That faraway tone in his voice further crushes my already broken heart.
Cian’s leaving. He’s already at the door when I dredge up the words.
“Please don’t go…” My lip quivers. This is fucking rock bottom. “I won’t…I won’t ask you to…touch me again, so please stay? I don’t want to be alone.”
Cian hesitates at the threshold. The muscles in his broad back tighten and release before he shuts the door.
The bleak expression on his face devastates me. “How could you ever believe that anything in this world could ever make me not want to touch you? It’s me . Don’t you see that? It’s my fault that you’re like this. Enzo got to you because of my failure. My weakness .”
“W-what?”
“How can you ask me to…after I…” He drags a heavy hand down his face. “How can you want me …after everything I put you through?”
Cian thinks that I…don’t want him ?
He thinks the kidnapping is his fault ?
I’m gobsmacked.
“What are you saying?” My face scrunches together in disbelief and confusion. But Cian doesn’t explain any further. It’s like he can’t. He’s in too much pain, trapped under too much shame.
I know what that’s like.
“Cian, what happened… It’s not your?—”
“ Stop .” The command bullets through the room. “Yes, it is.”
I claw at the comforter to fend off a frustrated scream. What can I say so that he’ll understand?
“Fine.” I swallow back the tear-induced congestion. “It’s your fault I’m like this.”
His chaotic eyes snap to mine. A muscle jumps in his jaw. After a second, he hangs his head and clenches his hands to his waist, as if he needs the extra support to hold himself up.“I know…”
“Apologize to me.” The strength in my voice shocks me.
Cian exhales a shaky breath. “Harper, I’m…I’m so?—”
I stop him with a shake of my head. “With your hands.”
“What?”
“Apologize to me with your hands.” I hold his gaze until he understands.
When the electricity begins to crackle in the air between us, I wish I could get up and throw myself into his arms. But the exhaustion in my body from the drugs and pain is bone-deep. I can’t move, not without making my head swim.
All I can do is lie still, willing him to get over here with my eyes.
Cian takes one step, then another. His fingers reach for his shirt. He draws the dark fabric over his head. His beautiful, bare chest is littered with bruises. The past twenty-four hours haven’t been a picnic for him, either, but it doesn’t change a thing.
I want him more now than I ever have.
Shirt dangling from his fingertips, he gazes at me for a long time.
“Are you sure about this?” That edge of lust sharpening his words causes me to bloom inside like a field of wildflowers.
I nod with desperate eagerness. “Completely.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t,” I promise.
He glances away for a moment and then back at me. “I’ll try to be gentle, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold myself back.”
“Don’t, then.” I smile. “I don’t want you to.”
Seconds tick by while Cian stares at me before he strips off his shirt and pants.
This is how I know that Cian is some kind of magical creature. Even in my current state, the moment the man heads that glorious, naked body of his toward me, I feel like it’s my birthday. Like the moon and all the stars in the sky shine just for me.
For us.
He looms over me like a golden, nude Adonis before gently removing my clothes. I don’t recognize what I’m wearing, so he must’ve been the one to dress me. Which means…
He’s already seen it.
Whatever mark Enzo left on my body after performing his sick procedure.
Yet despite that, he’s here, crawling over me and kissing my bare, ticklish skin.
The emotional roller coaster I’ve ridden over the past twenty-four hours means that when lust floods my system, I barely even recognize it.
That changes the moment Cian lips touch mine. Our kisses probably taste like blood, sweat, tears, rubble, and God only knows what else, but it’s the most glorious taste in existence after believing I’d never share this with him again. He seduces my mouth, letting our tongues reacquaint themselves with a delicious, languid ease that triggers slick heat to flow south of my belly button.
Cian’s bringing me back to life with his gentle, calloused hands and his sweet lips. His mouth steals my air, but I’d give up oxygen forever before sacrificing even a single kiss.
His hard cock slides through my folds, and we moan in unison as my wetness dampens us both.
He groans against my mouth. “Are you sure you want me to do this?”
“Stop hesitating,” I whine back. “I want you, I want?—”
He takes the words right out of my mouth and stuffs his length inside me, every single centimeter. The heft and fullness of this experience overwhelms me as if it’s the first time. My eyelids droop shut, and my head hits the mattress. I can’t hold him—it hurts too much—but my hands are on his arms as I cling as much as I can. Cian rakes his fingers up and down my left thigh. He’s gentle, so gentle , slow, and soft as he begins moving inside of me.
Soon, I can only hear my frantic cries. I’ve never sounded this way before. I’m crying again. My emotions are all over the place. The anguish churning in my chest over our recent trauma combines with the sorrow that floods me over the thought of never seeing him again.
Relief is the most overwhelming emotion. It pulls tears from my eyes without end. I must seem so sad. To Cian, I must seem like the most miserable sex partner he’s ever had, but he doesn’t take my melancholy personally.
No, the look on his face is impassioned, grave as the circumstances we just escaped from, bitter about what we’ve lost, grateful for what we still have.
The hysteria I’m spiraling through renders me nonverbal. I can’t say one word to him while he makes love to me.
But he keeps saying, “I’m right here, baby.”
It’s everything. His affirmation alone could keep me alive for a decade.
One thrust at a time, he proves to me I’m still alive. The person I am is still inside me, still there even though I almost died.
“Right here…” Cian whispers.
I meet his eyes in the semidarkness of this room, and the intensity that passes between us with a single look could make me swoon. Clinging to him, I burrow my head into the curve of his neck, digging my fingernails into his arms.
His hand appears on the back of my head, holding it in place against him. His hot breath teases my neck as his lips come to my ear.
“Did you really think…I wouldn’t touch you again?”
His rough-edged words wash over me, triggering another rush of wetness between my thighs.
I muffle my cries by pressing my face flush with the skin of his throat, sucking his scent up my nose like cocaine. I’m an addict, and he’s my fix.
“As if I…could…resist.” The beautiful gibberish comes next. Sweet nothings spill from his mouth on the back of a moan, and then he explodes inside me.
I want to fall asleep just like this, him breathing hard, me blanketed by his enormous weight, his whole cock still lodged inside me. Cian shivers a few more times, muscles twitching, before he slowly pulls out. My hips buck and convulse as he does so. The pleasure of it is beyond description.
Oh, lord , I needed that.
We rest together, our limbs tangled and pulses slowing. Outside the humongous windows the sky brightens, dawn beckoning from beyond the horizon. Almost as if our afterglow spread to the world outside.
Daybreak is coming.
Careful of my incision, he tucks me into his side, pulling my head to his chest. “Before this goes any further, I need to tell you something.”
A frisson of fear invades my post-coital bliss. “What?”
His chest rises. Lowers. “Remember what I told you about my parents? How my father hurt my mother until I got older and stopped him?” At my nod, his arm tightens around my waist. “What I didn’t tell you was that I stopped him by stabbing him to death. I killed my own father, Harper.”
I freeze, shock gripping my limbs while my chest hollows.
When I don’t respond, Cian gives me a little squeeze and starts to extract himself from my hold. “It’s okay. I always knew this would be a deal-breaker. Who wants a guy who could do something that terrible to his own father, his flesh and blood?”
The resignation I hear twists a knife in my heart.
He truly thinks that telling me this will push me away. That him ridding this earth of an evil man would be enough to make me not want him anymore.
As carefully as possible so as not to tug at my injury, I crawl on top of him and stare him straight in the eye. “Fuck that. That man wasn’t your father. He was a sperm donor and a monster, and I’m glad you ended him. You and your mother lived through years of his torment, and he got what he deserved.”
He stares back at me. “There’s more. Once he was dead, I thought my mom would feel better, but I was wrong. He broke her, and she only pushed through to keep me safe. Once my father was gone, her reason for living disappeared too. She killed herself.”
“Cian, no. Oh my god. I’m so, so sorry.”
I know the hurt stabbing my heart can only be a fraction of his, and more than anything in the world, I want to take his pain away. I press my lips to his forehead, his eyelids. His cheeks. I stroke his hair and fight off a new rush of tears. “You know that’s not your fault, right? You’re not responsible for your mother’s death. It’s awful and tragic, and I wish I could go back in time and change things, but I can’t. She was sick and hurting and not thinking clearly, because if she wasn’t, she never would have left you like that. Just like I’m not going to leave you. Not over this. Because you did nothing wrong.”
His big body shudders, and he raises a trembling hand to cradle my cheek. “Harper, I—” The rev of an approaching car engine yanks his attention to the window. “They’re here.”
He pulls away from me, his absence immediately leaving me cold.
“Who?” Should I be afraid?
“Everyone else.” He climbs off the bed and dresses himself. “Your sister, Finn, Darren, Rory…”
There’s something ominous in his voice, something he’s not telling me.
I don’t know what’s going on, and I want him to explain. But then he seats himself back down on the bed and begins to dress me, as gently as he bathed me the first night we made love a million years ago on a tiny island in the Pacific.
When he’s finished, he presses his lips to my forehead.
“I’m going to go meet them.” He plants a kiss on my greedy lips. “I’ll be back.”
“Promise?”
He exhales, nodding his forehead against mine. “Promise.”
And just like that, I’m alone in this brightening suite, blue light waking the world up.
I’m tired enough to sleep for a year, but it doesn’t seem right to rest. Not when I know everyone who was involved in helping me get to safety is downstairs, maybe in as bad a shape as I am.
More than once, I experience the urge to get up and go downstairs, then regret it when I try to sit upright. Just that simple motion aggravates the pain in my middle.
When the doors to my room swing open and Riley rushes in, I almost scream. She’s half covered in blood, but that doesn’t seem to bother her as she runs toward me, tears streaming down her face.
I’m crying too.
“Are you okay?” Riley kneels on the floor beside the bed. I wish she’d climb in with me. I’m so happy to see her. But it’s also awkward as hell talking to my sister while Cian’s cum is leaking out of me under these clothes and blankets.
“Ry, you’re…you’re bleeding.”
“Huh?” She blinks. Giving herself a once-over, as if for the first time, she says, “Oh. Don’t worry. It’s not my blood.”
“Whose is it?”
“That’s not important.” Riley smiles, exhaustion tinging her joy. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
My twin senses are tingling.
Riley’s hiding something.
“What is it, Ry? What happened?”
The joy on her face falls some. “There’s good news and bad news.”
Well, I don’t fucking like the sound of that .
She rubs my forearm with her hand. “Which do you want first?”
“Good news.”
Her eyes darken. “Enzo De Luca is dead.”
I didn’t think there was anything inside me left to break, but something splinters open anyway when Riley utters those five little words.
I force myself to keep my shit together and push forward. “And the bad news?”
“Shane, Donal, and… Dad sent a summons.”
I inhale sharply, my heart freezing into a solid block of ice.
“They want to see you.” Riley drops her eyes to the duvet between us, resigned and unhappy with this turn of events.
She knows it as well as I do.
Somehow, we managed to survive this debacle with the De Lucas.
But just because I escaped them with my life intact doesn’t mean I’ll be so lucky up against the Kings.
The real fight for my life begins right now.