Chapter Fifteen #2
“Life does have a way of making one feel exceedingly alone more often than not, doesn’t it?” When he finished his tea, he set the cup on the tray. “It’s one of the reasons I miss being on this ship, sailing to parts unknown. My crew was much like my family.”
“Are you sorry you returned to England and lost that?”
“Yes and no. I always knew my ship needed repairs; it had been years since it last had an overhaul, but my crew deserved the break to spend the time with their real families.” Gently, he took the cup from her fingers, set it on the tray, then moved the whole thing to his bedside table. “Come over here. You are shivering.”
Suddenly, the urge to burrow into him grew strong.
Regardless of the fact she would put wrinkles in her gown, Hannah crawled over the bunk to settle beside him.
The moment he slipped an arm about her waist and pulled her closer, she lost another tiny piece of her heart to him.
“How did you survive on the open ocean when it was so hot or cold, depending?”
“On warm nights, the sea breezes that come over the deck provide cooling, and when we were in colder climates, there were heated water bottles for our toes and constant tea or coffee to keep the fingers nimble.”
The gentle bob of the ship even in the berth had the power to lull her into sleepiness. For a long while, silence reigned in the cabin, but it was comfortable enough, and she rested her head on his shoulder.
Eventually, she blew out a breath. “My mother adored the sea; she loved Brighton.”
“Did you visit there often?”
“Once a summer until she died just after my second Season.” There would always be an empty space in her heart regarding both of her parents.
“Her face lit whenever she could gaze out on the water and watch the waves. In those days, all the cares and worries left her expression, and she seemed lighter, happier, than she’d ever been either in Derbyshire or when we rented a townhouse in London for my Seasons. ”
“Some people will always lust after the sea; it gets into one’s blood.”
“That is what she said. Her father was a fisherman.” Hannah rested a hand on his chest as she turned into him.
“Mama always told me to marry a man who would take me to the sea, or to somewhere warm, because it was easier to drown in scandal if it the sights were beautiful and there was the ability to feel the hot sand in one’s toes. ”
“I tend to agree with her.” His chuckle reverberated in her chest and left comfort behind. “Is that the reason you’ve never married, then?”
“I don’t know.” Perhaps it was, at the back of her mind. “I don’t remember why I was waiting, and now I fear I’m far too old to be wed, and I’m certainly ruined in reputation and considered of ill repute if a man should discover I what truly am.”
Concern shadowed his eyes as he peered at her. “Would you tell a man the truth if you fell in love with them?”
“Don’t you think I would need to?” It was something she’d always dreaded.
“That depends on the relationship, but I would like to believe that the right man won’t care what has happened in your past, for he would love you as well as your story.
” When she frowned, he pressed his lips to her forehead.
“We all have a past, Anna. That is the price of living a life on one’s own terms. It’s where we go from there that makes the difference, and if someone can’t understand that, then you shouldn’t listen to them. ”
“I appreciate that.” She drew in a shaky breath. “This is one of the reasons I will always miss my mother. I could tell her everything, including the truth, and all she would give me was advice.”
“Losing the people we love takes a toll eventually, and when we begin to tally up all those losses, we wonder what is the purpose of living.” He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “It weighs on us.”
“I assume you’ve lost people close since you were that with your father?”
“Of course. My mother, my grandparents, and then there was my first mate and best friend, Nedrington. He was killed in a skirmish with pirates. Perhaps sometime, I’ll tell you stories about him.
” Emotion graveled his voice as he found her gaze with his.
“God, that one hurt. In fact, I feel like I’ve been adrift and unmoored for the past two years because of it. ”
“I’m sorry for your loss. That must have been so difficult because there is nowhere to hide on a ship, and nowhere to run. You are constantly surrounded by that grief.”
“Yes.” He nodded then held her a bit closer. “I suspect that is what you felt after you lost Charlotte with no one to talk with. There was no escape from any of it.”
“Exactly.” Because they both knew what it was to mourn, that further bound them together, and for long moments, they sat together in silence, lending each other strength.
When he took one of her hands and threaded their fingers together, a thrill twisted down her spine. “Do you miss anything from your Seasons all those years ago? Before we met?”
“Does it matter? I have no use for society. It is far too shallow and false, and holds everyone to impossible standards.”
“Yes, of course it matters.” The wicked gleam was back in his eyes. “Humor me.”
“Fine.” A sigh escaped her. Then she frowned as a thought occurred to her. “I do miss dancing, though. It was good exercise where one could converse with a man without a chaperone.”
“I can see how you would enjoy it.” With a grin she didn’t quite trust, he left the bunk and pulled her with him until she stood. “Come with me.”
“Where?”
“Outside.”
Before she could question him further, Hannah had no choice but to follow him out of the cabin. “What are you about?”
“Just this.” He paused just beyond his quarters and tugged her into his arms. “You and I are going to share a waltz. Because, Lord knows, we need to take advantage of the fact it’s not raining.”
“Oh, Evan…” There was no time to protest, for he set them into motion, and wonder of wonders, he hummed a popular waltzing tune that set butterflies into her belly.
“How lovely.” It was far too easy to lose herself to the romance of that moment, and when she loosely settled her hands on his shoulders, he pulled her a bit closer.
That dance on the deck of the empty ship beneath a partially starry night was easily the most special moment she’d experienced in at least ten years.
Concentrating on the timbre of his voice as he continued humming, Hannah moved in the modified waltz, and at some point, she closed her eyes.
With a little imagination, she could envision them both in a ballroom somewhere as a respectable couple without pasts that would see them both shunned from society.
A couple who had a starry-eyed nine-year-old daughter at home waiting for them.
Far too many emotions besieged her once more, crashing down her spine and playing through her belly. Not since he’d left her ten years ago had any man treated her like a real lady, yet Evan always had, no matter what she was to him.
“This is, by far, the best night I’ve had in a long, long time. It makes me believe I’m not too broken after all.” Tears welled in her eyes.
“Never. Remember, the light still shines through broken window glass, and a mirror still reflects the truth even if shattered.” Then he pulled her close, encouraged her head on his shoulder, and continued to slowly turn her about, humming in her ear until the song ended.
And like a ninny, Hannah continued to fall, tip over tail, for him, because she would once more be hurt when he either left for the sea or became duke, whichever came first.
I can’t think about that right now.
Eventually, she stirred. “Oh, by the by, my best friend, Lady Catherine, the Duke of Foxcroft’s sister, is going to the rout tomorrow night. Isn’t that lovely? I’ll introduce her to you.”
“I look forward to it. Foxcroft is a good friend. It’ll be All Hallow’s Eve, and my brother might be there. If he’s not, no doubt I’ll meet with him at some point tomorrow night.”
What an odd thing to say. When they came to a halt, she peered up at him and held his gaze. “Don’t jeopardize your future, Evan. It’s too important. Imagine all the people you can help once you have that title.”
A frown tugged that the corners of his sensual mouth. “James needs to pay, though. He stole what is legally mine.”
“I know.” She nodded. “He will pay, eventually, and none of that concerns you. Promise me you’ll go through the proper channels to win back your birthright. Don’t become what society already assumes you are.”
For long moments, he stared at her, but there were shadows in his eyes as he nodded. “I promise to do my best.” Then he brushed his lips over hers. “Damn, Anna.”
“What?”
“You’re having a detrimental effect on me.”
Confusion gripped her mind. “What does that mean?”
The grin he flashed sent tingles of need through her lower belly. “I suspect you are making me a better man against my better judgment, and you are certainly compelling me to think about things I never have before.”
“Good. I won’t stop until you are the duke you’ve always been meant to be.
” Though she smiled, it was a weak affair, for she wouldn’t be able to see the fruits of that labor.
He wasn’t hers for a lifetime. Perhaps he never was.
They only had a handful of moments and a few memories together.
“Let’s go back inside. I’m not ready to give you up quite yet tonight. ”
Falling in love was a terrible burden, but where he was concerned, she couldn’t help it. Sometimes, the pain was worth it.