Chapter 5
Chapter
Five
Brooke
Living with Levi isn’t like it used to be. After his discharge from Walter Reed, we came back to our little house in Hopkinsville and tried to act as though we were fine.
We weren’t. We aren’t.
Levi can still be his sweet self—mostly. He spends a lot of his time at physical therapy appointments and is religious about his exercises when he’s at home, so he’s looking good. He’s affectionate to a point, but he makes me feel more like a loyal pet than his wife. By that I mean the passion has dried up, and we’re not having any kind of sex. I’ve tried talking to him about it and not talking to him about it. I’ve tried sexy clothes and lingerie. I’ve tried creating a “mood.” Once I even tried jumping his bones pretty aggressively in bed; that pissed him off more than anything. I wanted to die of embarrassment when he rebuffed me.
I know we have to alter some of our “activities” while he’s still healing, and I’m perfectly happy to cater to those needs by lowering expectations and changing positions. But I just…need…him.
He claims he’s not in much pain, or we could chalk it up to that. Maybe he’s in more pain than he wants to admit. Probably.
I’ve researched everything I can think of, and finally—when Levi refused to go—I saw a therapist myself. By all accounts, Levi’s trouble appears to be psychosomatic. I’ve seen a little evidence of morning wood, though Levi wouldn’t admit it. He’s definitely suffering from PTSD and depression, and there is very little I can do other than try to maintain a healthy atmosphere for him so he can relax, and I pray that he eventually gets over this phase of his life.
“You need to move on, Brooke,” he tells me when his demons are hounding him. “I’m no good for you as a husband. You need someone better.” Then other days, he clings to me like I’m a marsupial mother, and he breaks down and begs me, “Swear to me you’ll never leave.”
And I promise him. Because I’m not leaving him. I love this man with every bit of my heart, and I know that somehow we’ll get through this and be better when we get past it. I just wish I could get him to discuss more of what’s eating him up inside. Also, we’re both thirty-three, and I’d like to have kids before too long, but I sure don’t see that happening at this rate.
“Why don’t you contact Skyler? Talking to him might be exactly what you need. I’m sure he understands what you both went through better than anyone.”
“I don’t want you leaving me for him,” Levi snaps, rather incongruously. What ?
“Why on earth would you even think that, Levi?” I have to admit, the guy is a major hottie, and I couldn’t help but notice how attractive and polite he was whenever we’ve spoken. But seriously? Levi is worried I’d leave him for his best friend? I wrap an arm around him and lay my head on his shoulder. “I love you , Levi,” I tell him.
“I know you do. So maybe you should just fuck him, since that’s all you seem to want lately.”
Hot tears burn my eyes, and I struggle to keep them at bay as I jerk back. “That’s not a very nice thing to say, Levi. It’s not crazy to want to make love to my husband so I can show you how much I love you.”
Immediately, he hangs his head, “I know, babe. I’m being an asshole.” He gets up quickly and clomps into the kitchen with the aid of his cane to grab a beer. I don’t stop him or tell him it’s a little too early in the day for a drink. I don’t have the energy. What happened to that man in my favorite photo? The one with the smiling eyes? Levi has big brown eyes that can look so sweet. Lately, though, they’re devoid of any emotion.
I get up and grab my purse out of the bedroom, then I head through the kitchen to the back door to the garage. On the way I tell Levi, “We’re low on a few things, so I’m going to go buy groceries.” He barely looks up from the beer bottle label he’s studying. When he gets like this, it’s like living with a ghost. We’re not actually low on anything, but I think we both need some space for a little while. I know I do.
As I start to back out of the garage, a truck pulls into the driveway. It seems to be from some garden company. That’s odd. We’re not planning to have any work done to the yard, but maybe the landlord has plans I don’t know about. I pull the car back into the garage and get out to ask him what he’s doing here, immediately realizing he looks familiar.
He heads toward me with a bright smile on his tanned face, and it hits me. “Skyler! What are you doing here? I mean, it’s good to see you. You look so different…and so much better!”
Wow. This guy fills out a t-shirt and jeans like nobody’s business. His thick blond hair is a lot longer now, and he looks way better than he did in a hospital gown with cuts and scrapes all over him. I need to stop perving on him. If I can’t get Levi to have sex soon, I may go nuts.
“Hi, Brooke. I hope I’m not interrupting you guys. The fact is, I can’t get Levi to return my calls, and I’m concerned about him. I can’t help but worry…did I do something wrong? This seems so out of character for Levi. Is he okay?”
I bite back a sigh. “I’m sure you did nothing wrong, Skyler. Levi’s going through a rough time. We were actually just talking about you, if you can believe it. Why don’t you go on in and visit with him? I can leave the two of you alone for a while because I was heading out to the market for a few things.” I see the concern in his eyes, and it guts me. I don’t want this kind man to feel like he’s done anything bad. I reach out and give him a quick hug, regretting my action immediately as we hear the kitchen door open.
“I thought I heard voices out here. Well, if it isn’t Skyler. It didn’t take the two of you much time, did it?” Levi steps back in and slams the door.
Skyler looks at me with a baffled expression and asks, “What’s going on?”