Chapter Nineteen
Two hours later I’m on the couch at Lydia’s, a cup of tea in my hand and the delightful smell of Lydia’s cooking in the air. It’s kind of perfect except I’ve been crying for most of the time, and I hate crying. It sucks and I’m not good at it.
“I bet Britta cries pretty,”
I say with a frown, hating the fact that I know I don’t. And that I’ve cried more over Reid Dorsey than I should.
“Okay. I don’t know if I’m supposed to agree with you or tell you that she likely had her tear ducts removed in one of her numerous plastic surgeries.”
Darnell has babysitting duty since Anika is out of the country and Heath and Ivy are all wrapped up in their laptops trying to ensure they shut down everything. I know supposedly once something like this is out there it’s out there forever, but Ivy assures me it didn’t hit the Internet. They had the footage on lockdown so they would have the exclusive story. CeCe is in the office with them fueling the whole enterprise with vodka martinis and her joy at taking down the Euros, as she calls them. Darnell showed up for dinner and Lydia asked him to sit with me. I’m pretty sure he wishes he ate a PBJ at his place now.
He sighs and reaches out to pat my hand. “There, there.”
I roll my eyes. “You don’t have to comfort me. I’m fine.”
Darnell sits back. “You’re not fine. You have that look.”
I wish I went back to my place, but the thought of heating up something frozen held little appeal. Although once Ivy’s married and Ani’s in her magical kingdom, there will be a lot of that. “I have a look?”
“Yeah, the one that tells me you’re about to blow. Look, Harper, I’m going to be honest with you. You’re absolutely my favorite. Ivy is bossy and surprisingly open about her feelings. Heath ruined her. She was all about business and cold, hard capitalism, and Heath was her Hallmark Christmas movie and now she wants to celebrate joy and shit. Anika is a walking ball of emotion. But you…you remember all those times when we would sit beside each other and never feel the need to talk?”
I sigh because I do remember. “Good times, man.”
He nods. “Yes, they were, my friend. Yes, they were. So if you want to sit in our comfortable silence, I am here for you.”
The problem is the silence doesn’t feel comfortable right now. It feels like anxiety and making a mistake. I want to send angry texts to Reid telling him what a massive ass he is. This is why I’m really here. If I was home, I would probably drink too much wine and drunk dial his ass. “I don’t need a man.”
Darnell’s head shakes in that “you are preaching to the choir”
way. “No, you do not. You do not need a man to talk to.”
“I can handle my own business.”
I did it for years. I don’t need to talk to Reid about things. I don’t need his opinion on how to handle my cousin. I don’t need him to simply sit and listen and hold my hand the way he has the last month. I’m not weak.
“Yes, you can,”
Darnell agrees.
I don’t need Reid for anything. Anything at all. I can take care of myself. “And by business, I mean orgasms. Does he think I’m going to go back to him after he refused to talk to me?”
“You should not.”
Darnell sounds firm in his agreement. Then he leans toward me. “Unless you want to. I can hail you a cab.”
Asshole. I ignore him. He’s my only sounding board right now, and I’m going to get all of this out of my system because I have to work tomorrow. “He made himself clear. He doesn’t want to talk to me. He never wants to talk about this woman he spent years with. I can’t tell whether they’re star-crossed lovers or if she’s stalking him.”
Darnell groans, and his head drops back against the couch. “Are we doing this? Fine. We’re doing it. What is the situation? All I know is you’re sad because the guy in the suit dumped you.”
He wasn’t told much. He was handed a beer and told to take care of me. Poor guy. “He didn’t dump me, exactly. He said he would handle something that I should really be a part of.”
Had he meant to dump me? It didn’t feel like he had but I was definitely dumping him because I won’t be treated that way. He can’t walk away.
We only agreed to sleep together while we were working. A short-term situationship with an end date. Except we kind of stopped talking about end dates. He even mentioned I should come to LA with him after the filming. I won’t, of course. Although I thought about how nice it would be to walk on a beach with him and sit in one of those Hollywood restaurants with Jeremiah and listen to all the gossip he knew about the stars.
Why would Reid talk to his soon-to-be ex?
Darnell seems to make a decision and sits forward. “What is he handling? I need to know since if we’re talking about, like, taking out the trash, you’re overreacting.”
Reid is very good about taking out the trash. I was a little surprised at how domestic he is. He even helps his housekeeper in the kitchen. “We made a sex tape, but it should have been lost in the hours of boring footage of me restoring cabinets, and according to Ivy the assistant editor went through it about a week ago trying to find some setup footage for one of the early episodes they’re working on. He finds the footage and decides to cash in because he knows Reid’s ex is always looking for a way to screw him over. Apparently this particular editor used to work on The Dorsey Brothers show.”
“I’m sorry, Harper.”
Darnell gets extremely serious. “I thought we were talking about some run-of-the-mill breakup. I had no idea we were talking sex tape and potential international scandal. You’re right. This is some serious shit. I am here for you. I might take a couple of notes because this sounds like a great plotline. Please continue. So the Swedish twig gets the footage of you and Reid going at it hard and what is she doing with it?”
This is probably going to go into one of his novels, but I don’t care. He writes sci-fi so he’ll turn me into some alien princess fighting to save the galaxy. I’m kind of on a roll now, and it helps that Darnell isn’t looking at me with nauseating sympathy like Lydia or vowing bloody vengeance like Ivy. I did have to tell her she couldn’t go after Reid. “She took it to a French publication.”
“You mean a scandal rag.”
“I do mean a scandal rag,”
I reply. “They were planning on running a story about how Reid found an American floozy, except in French it’s something that means chicken. I don’t know. Ivy ran it through a translator. Anyway, it was all about how he betrayed the beautiful model who loves him so much and I’m after his money.”
“That sounds awfully predictable. They could come up with something better,”
Darnell says. “How did Reid handle it? Did Mr. Uptight lose his shit?”
“He’s not that uptight when you get to know him. I think it’s the suits that make him seem that way.”
Although I’ve come to think those suits of his are sexy as hell. “So when it first came out, Reid was cool with it. I was surprisingly chill. Like I’m in good shape. I don’t know what the angles were or if the lighting was right, but I’m pretty comfortable with my body and I like Reid.”
Darnell shakes his head. “Get to the good stuff. Reid was truly cool with his sex tape getting out?”
I shrug. “I thought so. He said we should go to the press together and maybe we should even get married.”
A snort comes from Darnell. “You have not known each other long enough.”
“That’s what I said.”
But now I wonder if I shouldn’t have taken him to the courthouse right then. Maybe he would have talked to me if we were married. That is such a ridiculous thought and exactly why I need to get all of this out of my system before I have to see him again. “Anyway, then Ivy announces it’s Britta who has the tape and he loses his shit. But in that very Reid controlled way. He announces he’ll take care of it.”
Darnell waves the idea away. “Ivy already took care of it. The girl is thorough. Britta will be lucky if she comes out of this with her dignity intact. She’s going to be put on a lot of mailing lists. Maybe a couple of watch lists, too.”
I can’t worry about Britta getting endless rounds of spam concerning male enhancement and tractors. Those are Ivy’s go to’s for some reason. “I know, but he didn’t stick around to hear that part. He walked out and refused to talk to me about it. When his brother tried to slow things down, Reid yelled at him.”
Darnell blinks as though he has to think the information through. “That does not sound like the Reid I’ve come to know. He practically treats Jerry like he’s a sick toddler.”
“No one calls him Jerry.”
“He looks like a Jerry to me,”
Darnell continues. “So he blew up at the brother he adores and ices out the woman he tried to sneakily marry? All because of an ex.”
I nod. At least he gets it. “See. That’s it. He’s either still in love with her and I’m in the middle of this twisted game they’re playing, or he hates her and I’m in the middle of this twisted game they’re playing. But in the last scenario he doesn’t want to play.”
“I like this.”
Darnell seems to think for a moment, and he’s probably already plotting the book in his head. “So you’re not upset that the sex tape has likely been viewed by both perverts and journalists who are probably perverts? You are upset that your boyfriend yelled at his brother and walked away. See. Another reason to like you. So I’m going to come down on the side of Reid doesn’t want to be playing whatever games she’s playing.”
Or maybe he doesn’t get it. “You can’t know that.”
“His actions speak louder than words,”
Darnell counters.
Ah, but Darnell is forgetting the most important part. “Mostly because he doesn’t actually say words.”
His lips press together as he looks me over. “Harper, I do not give relationship advice. It actually physically pains me to be saying these words to you. Like deep down in my gut where dinner should be right now.”
I don’t like receiving relationship advice. The only one who ever gives it is my mother and that’s mostly to tell me I’m going to die alone. “Just say it.”
“Has he given you any reason to doubt him?”
Darnell asks.
“So many.”
“Name one.”
“All right. He hated me at first. He thought I shouldn’t be working on a project like this.”
Darnell’s head shakes. “Nope. That was an opinion he had in the beginning. He’s apologized. Has he given you reason to doubt that he doesn’t want to be with you?”
I think about how to answer. “He tells me how much he likes me. It’s weird and comforting. He’s liberal with the praise, but why would I trust that? It could be how he gets me to do things for him. I’ve seen it happen before. Things can look good from the outside…”
He interrupts me again. “Nope. We’re not talking about your rough childhood and your mom being a walking, talking mouthpiece for the patriarchy while your dad treated you like a son he needed to toughen up and had affairs behind your mom’s back.”
“Why are we talking about this?”
He stares at me. “Girl, get thee into therapy, as my friend Shakespeare would say. Seriously? You don’t see the connection between your childhood and your inability to believe that your relationships can work out?”
He’s not listening to me. “This is about Reid walking away. Not my dad.”
“Everything is about your dad,”
Darnell insists. “Everything. Give me one thing Reid has done in the month you’ve been basically living and working with him that tells you he wants to walk away.”
I love the way he put that. It lets me pivot back to my original point. “The fact that he literally walked away.”
Darnell’s eyes roll. “No, just let me make an appointment with my therapist guy.”
I am so frustrated. “He walked away.”
Darnell sighs and sits back. “It sounds to me like he ran away, and until you understand why you can’t know what’s really happening between the two of you.”
And he’s neatly summed up the issue. “He won’t tell me. Believe me, I’ve asked.”
He considers me for a moment, and I almost think he’s going to leave it at that. It might be for the best since he doesn’t understand. Or maybe I don’t. Instead, his voice goes soft. “How much does he mean to you?”
I don’t want to admit how much, but I guess honesty is the best policy here. “I care about him.”
“Do you see yourself having any chance at a future with this man?”
“No.”
I groan and lean forward, setting my mug down on the coaster. “That’s the thing. I don’t see us together. How would it work? He wants to put together a new show, and this is my one and only. I’m worried about the next board meeting and the vote. If I take more time off, I lose the company to Paul. Even if Reid stays in the city most of the time, I work so much. I put in fourteen-hour days most of the time.”
“How will any relationship work if you have that mindset?”
His expression softens. “And this is what I mean when I talk about therapy. It’s great for figuring out why you do the things you do. Especially the things that make a person miserable, that sabotage our growth and happiness. Have you considered the fact that working as hard and long as you do means you can’t have a relationship?”
“Yes. Of course. I told you.”
I wonder if that’s why Reid went into therapy. He said he did it after the accident. It’s the one thing he likes to talk about. Not the accident but how he got help.
“Have you considered that’s precisely the reason you choose to work the way you do?”
Darnell asks. “I know in your head you don’t have a choice. I know in your heart you have to do these things because they’re your family and it’s been drilled into you that family comes first. Even when it hurts. Even when they actively harm you. That’s what your parents taught you. But if you were my kid, I would only want one thing for you.”
“To be happy,”
a familiar voice says.
I look up and Lydia is standing there still wearing the bright yellow apron she dons when she’s cooking. Lydia Marino is five foot nothing, with dark curly hair and big brown eyes. She has a loveliness that defies the marks of aging. There’s something infinitely warm about Lydia, and I realize it’s why I avoid having these talks with her.
Because I don’t understand. Because her love and affection are unfamiliar to me.
It’s easier with Diane and CeCe because while they’re wonderful and supportive, they don’t hug me and make me want to hug them back. They don’t make me wish things went differently as a kid.
Darnell might be right. I might need therapy.
“Thank god.”
Darnell stands and waves a hand around. “I thought I was going to have to handle the whole thing. Lydia, you know I adore you, but I am not good at this mushy stuff.”
Lydia walks right up to him and puts a hand on his cheek, her head turned up because he’s got a foot on her. “I think you were handling that really well. But I’ll take over now. You go and make sure my rolls don’t burn.”
He smiles and practically runs out of the room.
Lydia turns to me. “I don’t like to criticize other people’s parenting styles, but I’m going to make an exception for you. Your mother should want one thing in the world for you. Your happiness. Your family should want the same. Your father raised you to think that all of this is your responsibility, but it’s not. What Darnell is worried about is the fact that you’re using your workload, all that responsibility your parents gave you, so you don’t have to do the scariest thing of all.”
“Actually be in love with someone.”
I at least get that part. It makes my eyes water. What I’ve been avoiding all this time is examining my real feelings for Reid. I tell myself it’s all just fun and we’re passing time and having good sex, but if I’m honest with myself, it’s more. It’s the deepest relationship of my life, and I’m going to lose it.
Lydia sits down beside me. “Yes. Honey, you know when we had all those talks about your questionnaires? Do you think I didn’t learn something about you? We talked about your past relationships. You weren’t in love with those boys. You selected men you couldn’t fall in love with. Even this relationship you started with Reid follows the pattern. You are running under the impression that it’s an affair and it has an end date so it’s safe for you to enjoy it. Except a woman who was merely enjoying an affair wouldn’t sit here and cry because she doesn’t know why her lover is hurting. Can you admit that? You’re not crying because you’re angry. You’re crying because he doesn’t trust you enough to let you help him.”
The words open an ache inside me. She’s right. “I don’t think he loves her.”
Lydia’s eyes are bright with tears, too. “No. I think he might love you and he might worry that whatever he’s hiding could infect you. So, my darling girl, the question is do you have to know? Do you need to know why he keeps going to a dark place whenever this woman shows up? Or is it enough to be his light until he’s ready to tell you?”
The tears fall pretty freely now. “Will he? Will he tell me?”
“That’s the risk you take when you love someone,”
Lydia explains. “I think he will. I honestly believe this has more to do with his brother than he’s willing to say. I’ve spent some time with Jeremiah and he’s such a sweetheart. But there’s something dark about him. Not dangerous. We all have our darkness. He hasn’t reconciled his yet, and so it’s his brother’s burden. Rather like your family business is yours, and you rarely allow anyone to help you with it.”
She’s not wrong. I hid it for so long because I felt like I should be able to handle it. I was ashamed. I only asked Ivy to help me when I thought the whole thing would go under. “But, Lydia, he walked away. He doesn’t want me around.”
“So change his mind. One of the things that I believe could make you and Reid an excellent couple is the fact that you come from similar places. You both bear a deep and abiding sense of responsibility that isolates you. But what if you didn’t have to be alone? What if you opened up to him and allowed him to help you? It might be what he needs to feel okay with asking for his own help. But you have to make the decision.”
A gut-wrenching decision. A terrifying decision because if I’m wrong, then the heartache I feel right now will be an ache forever, but I’ll compound it with feeling like a fool.
How much is my pride worth? My father taught me it was worth everything. My mother believes appearances are far more important than honesty. Maybe it’s time I learn from the people who truly have it together. “You think I should go to him.”
“I think the man you love is hurting and you left him with something else to worry about. If you’re brave you can tell him you won’t leave him. You can say it doesn’t matter and he never has to tell you a thing but you trust him.”
“Do I?”
Lydia’s voice goes low. “My darling girl, who do you not trust? Reid? Or yourself?”
The question hits me squarely in the chest, threatening to suck all the air from my body.
I don’t trust me. I don’t trust that the ground I walk on is firm and won’t crumble and shake beneath me. I don’t trust that I can build something strong enough to last because the one marriage I had as an example had been rotten at the core.
I don’t have to choose between being my mother and being alone. I can choose a different path.
“Whoa, Nonna, what did you do?”
Heath stands beside Ivy in the hallway.
Ivy puts a hand on her boyfriend’s chest. “It’s okay. It’s good for her to cry. She doesn’t cry enough.”
She steps toward me, a soft look on her face. She kneels down in front of me. “Harper, I think we got it all. Unless Britta has a copy I couldn’t find, we have the only one. Now that doesn’t mean they won’t run the story. We deleted all the files I could find, but I can’t be certain.”
I sniffle. “You could get in trouble.”
Ivy waves off the idea. “They won’t be able to find me.”
“And if they do Lawyer is very bored right now.”
CeCe joins Heath, a fresh martini in her hand. It’s her favorite accessory. “Honestly, Harper, it upsets me seeing you like this. Should I purchase the magazine? I can have it razed to the ground.”
She puts a hand to her chest and grimaces. “Oh, I don’t like this feeling at all. Perhaps we should go to war with France.”
I sniffle again, and a laugh huffs from my chest. It’s good to know the sight of my tears can make all the moms upset. “I think it should be Sweden.”
Ivy’s eyes widen. “Don’t encourage her. She’s dealing with a lot of emotions, and they aren’t her strong suit. I asked her if she would walk me down the aisle along with my mom and she teared up. Like I didn’t know she could do that.”
“Neither did I,”
CeCe admits, swallowing another sip. “For a moment I thought I was having a heart attack. Now to the problem at hand. I rather like Sweden. The people there are extremely standoffish. No one smiles. I enjoy it. So I shall forgo bombing Sweden and simply hire on a new man. Assassin. Ivy, I need you to find a couple of potential assassins and I shall interview them. Make them attractive, please. Do you think we can find an attractive assassin?”
Ivy shrugs. “According to all the romance novels I’ve read it won’t be a problem.”
Lydia stands and points CeCe’s way. “You are a menace. And you’re out of martini. Harper is going to be fine. She needs time and some dinner.”
I hear Darnell’s groan from the other room.
He gets hangry.
I stand. “No, what I need is to go and tell Reid that we don’t have to worry about the tape getting out.”
“I’ve also threatened to sue the magazine. The film they have is the property of Ralavia Entertainment and technically of the royal family,”
CeCe announces. “I’ve explained there will be an international incident if they pursue the story in any way that shows the footage.”
“She came up with that one herself,”
Heath explains. “Lawyer was impressed.”
I walk up to CeCe. Such an intimidating woman. “Thank you.”
She holds my hand for a moment. “You’re welcome, my dear. Now go and be brave. Be the Harper Ross we all know you can be. Just remember that sometimes the bravest thing we can be is patient.”
I stride out and hope I can find a way to make him believe.