Chapter Twenty
I’m walking in the door while Jeremiah is striding out. We nearly bang into each other.
His eyes widen when he realizes it’s me. “Harper. I thought… Well, I didn’t expect to see you.”
His expression goes distinctly sympathetic. “Are you okay?”
I’m being honest. Old Harper would smile and say sure thing. Nothing phases me. But I’m trying something new because Darnell is right. The old me doesn’t get what I need because the old me would never, ever ask for something. “No. I am completely overwhelmed, but I’m going to hold it together because I think Reid needs me. Are you okay? He was pretty harsh with you.”
“Not harsh enough,”
he says under his breath. He steps back and invites me into the lobby. “Harper, I don’t think you should go up there. He’s in a state.”
“I need to tell him that it’s going to be okay. Ivy and CeCe took care of it,”
I explain. He’s not going to scare me off. I need to do this. Even if Reid sends me away.
He seems to think about that for a moment. “Good. I can tell him. That might help but you should know Britta probably won’t stop. We’re trying to figure out what her angle is this time.”
“Angle?”
Jeremiah’s head shakes. “I shouldn’t…or maybe I should. Maybe I should tell you everything and get my brother out of this mess.”
He seems so upset, so anxious. It’s odd to think that an hour before I would have begged for information. But I’m taking Lydia’s words to heart. I put a hand on his shoulder. “No. If Reid wants me to know then I’ll know. I’m going to go up and talk to him. I’m going to let him know I’m not about to leave him.”
“I can’t tell you how much I love hearing you say those words, but I don’t think he’ll allow it. Harper, if he says stupid, hurtful things, he’s trying to protect you. He’s trying to push you away so she can’t hurt you.”
She can’t hurt me. Not really, but Reid can. Reid can tear me apart with some casual words.
But they won’t be casual. They’ll be planned and used like a weapon.
They will also be a lie.
“I can handle Reid.”
I notice his hand is shaking and I reach for it. “Jeremiah, where are you going?”
A few suspicions have been playing through my head. Jeremiah never drinks. Not even a glass to taste the wines the rest of us try. He could simply not enjoy alcohol. But then why would Reid keep the liquor locked up like a gun? Why did he get so worried when his brother was out late? Lydia told me there was a darkness in Jeremiah.
“I don’t know.”
He looks haunted. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“Why don’t you come back up? Or let me call and find someone for you to hang out with.”
He shakes his head. “No. I don’t think Reid wants to see me right now.”
A long breath and then there’s resolve in his eyes. “Tell him I’m going to a meeting and I’ll spend the night with a friend. Tell him I won’t break my promises. And that I’m sorry. Are you sure you want to see him tonight? He’ll likely be better in the morning. More in control.”
I need him to understand that he doesn’t need to be in control all the time. “I’m going to see him. Will you get me on the elevator since I don’t trust him to not lock me out?”
He nods and when he puts in the code for the elevator, I give him a hug.
“You’re good for him,”
he whispers. “Don’t let him convince you otherwise.”
I wave good-bye and hope he finds some peace at his meeting. His AA meeting, if I’m right. I’m still processing the information when the door opens and I walk into the darkened foyer. I make my way into the living room, but someone’s gone all broody and left off the lights. Moonlight filters in and I see the shadow of Reid standing by the window. A lonely god watching over his kingdom from high.
Or simply a man who feels like the world is crashing in on him.
“Jer, I don’t want to talk about this again. Please. I know how it makes you feel, but I need to stand here and drink. Please let me.”
He doesn’t turn around.
“He’s going to a meeting. He wanted you to know. He’s not going to a bar,”
I say quietly.
Reid turns. “Harper? What the hell are you doing here?”
Not the welcome I hoped for, but I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. “Well, my boyfriend is upset, and I thought I would come over and comfort him. Have you eaten anything? I skipped out on Lydia’s dinner, so I could eat. Pizza? Or should I hunt around and see what I can make? Warning. I’m not a good cook so you’re probably looking at sandwiches. I can make sandwiches.”
He sets down the glass he’s holding and moves toward me. “You should go. I’m not capable of playing the nice guy tonight.”
“So don’t,”
I reply. “How about we both stop playing and be who we are? I think we’ve actually done a lot of that, but I also understand people are complex and you can be nice most of the time and also something of an asshole.”
“I’m all asshole tonight, Harper. And if you’ve come up here to point out all the ways I’ve wrecked your life, don’t bother. I’ve already made a list.”
Oh, my tiger has a thorn in his paw, and he’s going to fight me to take it out. “You haven’t wrecked my life. We made a mistake. Ivy corrected it. She and Heath think they have all the footage. Even if it gets out, I’m not ashamed.”
“It wouldn’t get out if you had been with anyone else. No one would care. There would have been some immature giggling, and everyone would have moved on.”
He’s missing the point. “But I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
He grips me by the shoulders as if he can shake some sense into me. “She’s not going to stop. She’ll get what she wants out of me or she’ll break me. Either way, I can’t let you in.”
Maybe we should revisit the whole assassin plan. I step into his space, putting my arms around him. “I’m already in. Reid, don’t fight me on this. We can do it the hard way or the easy way, and I would rather go easy. It’s been a hell of a day.”
He stands there stiffly for a moment. “I’m not talking to you about it.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I don’t know what you want.”
And that’s the problem. He thinks I want something. “I want my boyfriend to feel better. I want my boyfriend to know he has me no matter what.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
I tilt my head up. “I do.”
“And if what will comfort me is sex?”
He makes the words a challenge.
“Well, I would probably find it comforting, too.”
His hand snakes up my neck, and his fingers tangle in my hair, twisting lightly. “You would let me do it to you again?”
“You’re being dramatic. It’s a whole other side of you.”
I’m not going to let him push me to anger. “I let you do it all the time. We kind of fuck like rabbits.”
“I’m not the man you think I am.”
I run my hands up his chest. If this is what he needs, I’ll give it to him. “I’m under no illusions that you’re perfect. I’m well aware that you might rip me up tonight, but I’m still here.”
“You should run because I’ll take everything from you,”
he promises.
But it feels more like a plea to my ears. One I can’t deny. I go on my toes and press my lips to his, and that seems to be all he needs. He takes over, hand tightening in my hair as his tongue plunges in. Like he needs to make sure I don’t run despite all his advice. Like he can’t stand the thought of me walking away.
I have no intentions of leaving him. I can take some damage. If you asked me a month ago how I would handle a man who said the things to me Reid did tonight, I would have said I would leave. I would walk out because no one is going to treat me like that.
He’s more important than my pride. Lydia is right and Darnell is, too. I’ve been trying so hard to avoid living my mother’s life that I forgot to define what I want for my own. Something beyond working and keeping my head above water. I want this. I want to love someone, to go through life with these people who fill my soul. With people I can’t leave alone to face the storms inside them.
“Take off your clothes.”
He steps back, dragging his shirt over his head and tossing it aside. Again he looks at me like he’s sure I’ll walk.
I would have seen it as arrogance once, but I know him better now. It’s not bravado or anger. It’s fear. In some ways he’s accepted that he’ll have to do everything alone and so he would rather get it over with. The me walking out part. From what I can tell, the woman he’s spent the most time with is a blackmailing asshole, so I have some walls to get around.
I pull my T-shirt over my head, and it joins his along with my bra. I kick out of my boots and make quick work of my jeans and stand in front of him completely naked.
“Just like that?”
He asks the question with one raised brow.
But I think I’m starting to understand his secret language. One day he won’t need the arrogant tone. One day he’ll feel safe with me. What he’s asking is if he can trust this. If he can expect me to turn on him. There’s only one way to show him. Don’t leave. “Just like that.”
He forgets how often in a day he does nice things for me. He brings me coffee every morning and makes sure I have a sweater. If I forget one and get cold because I’m working in a part of the house that isn’t heated, he wraps me up in his and kisses me on the nose and tells me to stay warm. When I get involved in a job and forget lunch he shows up and sits and eats with me.
So no, it’s not just like that. What I’m doing is the culmination of weeks of tenderness from him.
“Sit on the couch, Reid.”
His eyes flare, likely because he realizes what I want to do to him. He pulls the belt from his slacks and undoes his fly before lowering himself to the leather Chesterfield. Yep. I know a little about furniture now because my boyfriend is obsessed with making things pretty.
Because design was the one thing he could control. When everything in his childhood seemed unruly and chaotic, he could make his space comfortable and safe.
He’s about to find comfort in more than expensive furnishings.
I lower myself between his legs, my knees cushioned by the soft carpet beneath us. I look up and his face is all planes and angles in the moonlight, his emotions stark.
“Harper, I want to tell you to leave. I should. I should force you out, but I want you.”
He shoves his slacks down enough to free his cock.
I reach for it, sliding my hand over soft skin and hard flesh. “My point is you can’t force me out. Or maybe you can shove me away, but you can’t make me not worry about you. You can’t make me not care.”
Before he can reply, I lower my head down and give his big cock a long lick, and he doesn’t seem to feel the need to talk anymore. He groans and his hands find my hair, though he’s gentle now. He strokes my hair even as I suck and kiss and lick. I love the way he tastes, the way he feels under my tongue. The way his thighs tense and his eyes get hot. I watch him while I work my way down his dick, lavishing it with affection.
“I could take this and then throw you out,”
he says even as his breathing picks up. “I could show you who I am.”
I know who he is but he needs to growl and howl for a little while longer. I simply whirl my tongue around his cockhead, drawing him further and further in.
“Stop.”
He growls the word and tugs on my hair. “If you don’t stop, I’m going to come.”
“That is the point,”
I say, pressing kisses on his skin.
“I want to be inside you,”
he admits. “I want to see your pretty face and know you’re with me.”
There he is. My Reid is still here. He’s simply at war with the one Britta created. I plan to win. I get to my feet as he finds the condom in his wallet and rolls it on. His hands come out, waiting to guide me down. I straddle him and feel his cock against me, heat sparking through my system. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want him. I suppose that’s why I’ve been so afraid of him. I’m diving into the deepest pool, but I can’t back out now. I’ll learn to swim.
He sighs as he thrusts up and our bodies fit together like they were made for each other. His hands are on my hips, but he leans forward to kiss me as I start to ride him. Slow at first, and then building heat and friction. We kiss until I can’t stand it a second longer and I give in, pleasure pushing aside all the tension we feel and replacing it with nothing but joy. Reid grips my hips and swings me around so my back is against the couch and he’s on top. He takes over, thrusting in and out. Over and over until I feel it build again and ride the wave one more time. His whole body tightens, and he holds on as his orgasm takes him over the edge.
He falls on top of me, and I hope we’ve survived this storm.
Hours later I realize the sex was kind of the eye of the storm, and we’re definitely still in it.
“You should go home, Harper.”
The words are cold, but I can see his hands shaking slightly. He rolled out of bed after the last time he gave me a mind-blowing orgasm. He went straight to his dresser and pulled on a pair of boxers. I notice he didn’t bother with actual pants. He paces at the end of the bed.
I yawn and turn over. The drama is ongoing, it seems. He has way more energy than I do. I’m all happy and sated and sleepy, but does Reid Dorsey let me rest? Nope. “I think I’d rather stay here.”
He stops and puts his hands on his hips, looking judgmental but also hot. “And I want you to leave.”
“Then you should pick me up and throw me out because it’s the only way I’m leaving this bed.”
He isn’t thinking straight. It’s two in the morning, and he’ll get anxious when he realizes I’ll take the subway. Then he’ll hail a cab. Then he’ll worry about me getting into my building. Then he’ll come with me. Trust me. This happened before. It’s best I stay in place. “And I won’t let you dress me, so if you don’t mind chucking a naked chick out of your place, go for it. I bet the security cams will get some footage of that, too, and I’ll have to wake up Ivy. She can be cranky if she doesn’t get eight hours.”
He frowns. “I’m serious. You can’t control me with sex.”
I yawn again and pat the place beside me. It’s a good bed. Very comfy and warm. “I’m not trying to control you, babe. I’m trying to get you back into bed so you can get some sleep. You have a design meeting about the ballroom in the morning, and I’m installing crown molding. Gotta be sharp.”
“I have to go to Europe. I’m going to find a flight tomorrow.”
The thought of him going to see her makes my heart ache, but probably not for the reasons he thinks. “Then you should definitely get some sleep.”
“Are you listening to a word I say?”
Reid asks, obviously exasperated.
I wish there was an easier way to do this, but I think Reid needs to understand he can’t move me. “Of course, but you’re not saying anything that makes sense. Hence the need for sleep.”
“Me sleeping with you won’t change the fact that I’m going to Europe to meet with Britta.”
His gaze turns steely, and I realize we’ve come to the nasty part of this drama we’re playing out. This is when he makes what he thinks is his big play to save me. “I’ve been lying to you. You were right back in Ralavia. I’m in love with her. When she came to see me that night, we made love and talked about how we could fuck with you. We came up with this whole plan to draw you in and make you believe. I’m sorry. This is just what we do. We play games. It’s exciting.”
I can’t help but smile. He’s so bad at this. “Ah, we’re going the Cruel Intentions route.”
He winces. “It’s Dangerous Liaisons, Harper. One is a brilliant play and the other is for teenagers. But I suppose you could say it’s an inspiration. Wealthy, bored people like to play games.”
I’ve started to wonder about the wealthy part, but I leave that for another day. “Yeah, you look like you’re having a ton of fun.”
He’s back to pacing, every lean line of his body tight with anxiety. “Whatever you believe, understand that I am going to see her. I’ll leave the project we both love, the one we’re both committed to, for her.”
“Jer and I will hold down the fort, sir,” I vow.
He ignores my jaunty salute. “I’ll take her places I would never take you. Fancy places. Expensive places.”
I groan at the thought. “Good. CeCe already makes us dress up when she takes us out. She thinks denim is for mountain people. What are mountain people and how do I become one because I think they get to wear boots? Those heels are torture devices. I’m with Ivy. I like a food truck.”
His hands are clenched around the bed posts. “I’ll be photographed with her. You’ll have to see it online. You’ll read about our love story.”
That is where he’s wrong. I’m perfectly happy to stop stalking him online. It leads to hurt feelings and does no good. “I’m not much of a reader of magazines. Now a good romance is another story. If she can get Jen Armentrout or Kristen Ashley to write it, I’ll have to rethink my stance.”
He sighs and stops and plays what is likely his last card. “Harper, I won’t ever marry you.”
I sit up. “See, I knew I should have taken you up on it this afternoon.”
“This is not a time to joke,”
he scolds. “She will always be in my life. She will be known as the love of my life, and for that reason alone you need to leave.”
We’re back to this. I don’t bother with the sheet. I let it pool around my waist, and for a man who claims he loves that supermodel, his eyes go right to my chest. “I’d rather stay. Reid, I care about you. I think I’m falling in love with you. I don’t know what’s happening with her. I do know she’s got something she’s holding over your head and it likely has to do with your brother.”
Reid’s eyes narrow. “Why the hell would you say that?”
“Because if it was about you this would be over. You would never allow her to put you in a corner over something that embarrassed you or hurt only you. You would put it out there and take whatever happened. But you will go to the ends of the earth for him. So here’s what’s going to happen. Jeremiah is going to figure this out, and he’ll do the right thing in the end. I don’t know what you’re both hiding, but I think he’s almost there and when he proves he loves you, too, I’ll be waiting. You say you’re not going to marry me. If you don’t, that’s okay. If you don’t because you don’t love me and you think someone else will make you happier than I can, then it’s good. But if it’s because some chick in Sweden is blackmailing you, I’m not okay with it.”
He stares at me for a moment. “I don’t understand you.”
“I know. I don’t think I understood until earlier today. I think this feeling I have for you is more important than being loved by you. Your love isn’t something I can control, but I can decide how I want to treat you, how I want to honor this feeling inside me that only you have ever brought out. You think we’re alike because we had fairly awful parents, but I had these amazing friends. I wasn’t responsible for them. We were equals. Ivy and Anika… They’re my touchstones, and I would never leave them and they wouldn’t leave me. Reid, I won’t leave you alone in this. You don’t have to ever tell me what happened between you and Britta if you don’t want to. You don’t have to marry me and promise to love me forever. I’ll still be your friend if I can’t be your lover. Damn. I think I figured out what love is. So odd. Turns out love is just putting someone ahead of you not because you were taught to or because you’re obligated. You do it because their happiness is the most important thing.”
He’s silent, and for a moment I think he’s going to find a way to kick me out.
Then he moves to the bed. He shuts off the light and crawls in beside me, his arms wrapping around me. He holds me close and I feel something wet against my cheek. My heart threatens to break.
“I can’t tell you because I promised my brother,”
he whispers. “But I want to because I’m almost at the end. I can’t pay her off much longer.”
I kiss the top of his head. “Then we’ll figure out another way. No matter what, I’m with you.”
I hold him until we both fall asleep.