11. Griff
eleven
Griff
O utside the bar, the night is still clear and warm, but I suck in a breath like I just dove in the deep end and I’m only now resurfacing for air.
I don’t know if I’m walking in the right direction, but Jamieson walks by my side, so it must be right. I’m not sure what I’m more rattled about. The fact I kissed him or that he kissed me back. What the fuck do we do now?
“Do you want to talk about what just happened?” Jamieson rumbles beside me and I guess that answers my question. Although I could say no, I don’t want to talk, this conversation has been a long time coming. “I’m sorry.”
“For what exactly?” Jamie’s hand on my arm has me finally stopping my feet from moving forward, and I puff out a breath while keeping my gaze on the sidewalk. “Are you sorry you kissed me or sorry that I kissed you back?”
“I’m sorry I made things complicated.”
Risking a glance, I lift my gaze to his handsome face. The face paint is still there, his bisexual flag still bright and un-smudged, and for a moment I wonder how make-up can do that. How do we wash it off ?
Jamieson’s face still smiles as he waits for me to answer. Like he’s not at all freaked out about it while I’m a horrible mess, wondering if I just fucked up the best friendship I’ve ever had. Hell, the only one I’ve really had.
Oh, god.
“Hey, hey…Griff. Take a breath.” Jamieson is at my side and somehow my ass is on the sidewalk with him next to me. “I think you’re having a panic attack, Griff. Or hyperventilating or something. You looked like you were about to faint.”
“God, I’m so sorry.”
Jamie’s hand on the back of my neck forces my head down to my knees while his voice soothes me like a scared animal. “Don’t be sorry. I’ve got you. Just don’t pass out because I don’t think I can lift you into the Uber tonight. You’re a big dude, and my arms still hurt from slinging hay bales.”
That makes me smile, and the fog and tightness in my chest retreat some. He doesn’t sound like he’s even affected by what happened, which again…helps me breathe, but we need to talk about it. This is too big for me to stuff away like all the other feelings I’ve not dealt with my whole life, and likely might be the one thing that finally cracks me open.
“Our ride is almost here. Why don’t we go back to the ranch and talk about it over blueberry muffins?”
Jamieson’s stomach growls as a car pulls up to the curb, and he stands and offers me his hand.
“I don’t know where you put everything you eat.”
He opens the car door for me, and I slide into the back seat while Jamieson settles in next to me. He tells the driver where we’re going, and I lean back, listening to their easy conversation .
Jamieson has always been like this. He can talk to strangers so easily and always has something to say. He’s always polite and likeable. Even now, the Uber driver chats away and comments on the Pride activities and gives us tips on how to get the face paint off.
After Jamie pays and we’re walking up the stairs to our loft, the panic grips me again, and the shakes set in. What if I just fucked everything up?
“Griff…sit down, please.”
He grips my elbow and leads me to the couch, where I all but collapse against it. Bags rustle in the kitchen, and water runs before the couch dips next to me, and Jamieson settles by my side.
“I’m sorry, but I’m starving. I’m not making light of anything, Griff. But I brought you a muffin and flavoured water. That watermelon stuff you like.”
Turning my head on the couch to look at Jamie, he already has crumbs stuck to his lips, as he’s likely on his second muffin. Reaching out, I take the glass of water he mixed for me and swallow it all down before picking at the muffin.
“You don’t have to eat it,” he says as his hands reach for my plate, and I shove it closer to him.
“Go on. I bought them for you, anyway.”
Jamieson loves blueberries in anything. I knew he’d love these muffins, and it’s why I bought so many.
“You do that a lot. I never paid much attention until recently.”
“Do what?”
Jamieson finishes his muffin and takes a drink from his glass. “Put everyone else ahead of yourself. ”
He chews at his lips, both the top and bottom, and I brace myself for what’s about to come. A long overdue conversation that I both dread and need.
“Griff…” He scrubs a hand down his face and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “How come you never said anything before? That kiss was…it meant something. This wasn’t you kissing me because of some trend on social media.”
His voice is hoarse, almost pained, and I’m not sure what to do with that.
“It’s not exactly something that’s easy to talk about, Jamie.”
He turns his head towards me, and there’s a flash of hurt in his gaze that I feel to my soul.
“I’m your best friend. You can come to me with anything.”
I laugh a dry laugh and stare up at the ceiling beams.
“And say what? I’ve been in love with you practically since we met. For ten fucking years I’ve pined over you and hoped that maybe one day you’d just look at me and see me as more.” Jamieson sucks in a sharp breath.
“It’s true, Jamie. Do you know how much it hurt me to see you leave with a different man or woman every time we went out?” I don’t let him answer, because he can’t possibly know. “I’ve been dying a little inside with every day that passes without you looking at me like that.”
It feels good to get that off my chest, even if it is to Jamieson. The one person in this world I can’t stand to lose.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
Remorse in his words sets a spark of hope in my chest, even when I feel a little like an asshole for just dumping it out like that .
“I still do. I’m sorry if kissing you made things awkward, but it was the moment and—”
“I kissed you back, Griff.” Jamie’s voice is thick, and his swallow is audible in the small room. “I kissed you back because I wanted to.” He turns his head towards me, eyes always soft for me. “I don’t regret it.”
Puffing out a shaky sigh, I look away. “Where do we go from here? I can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”
“No, me neither.” Jamie hangs his head again and bites his lips. Funny how the urge for me to pull the flesh away from his teeth is now ten times stronger than before. “I…I need to know something.”
“Okay. What?”
“The guy you were dating earlier this year, the one who hit you, why? Why did you give yourself to someone like that when you could have been with me? I’d never, ever do that to you. Or anyone, really.”
I allow my lips to curl into a small smile and make a joke. “Are you saying I have a shot?”
Jamieson doesn’t laugh. Instead, he sits back and turns to face me. “Maybe.”
Jamie usually has a very expressive face. I can read him well, but not right now. “Don’t joke about this, Jamie.”
“I’m not. Tell me why he hit you. Tell me why the only men you’ve dated have treated you like shit and not once have you let me meet them. Why, Griff?” Jamieson pushes off the couch and paces the small area .
He runs a hand through his hair that’s getting a little long, but I like it that way. I hate that he’s worked up over something I did, though.
“They didn’t deserve to meet you.”
He pins me with a hard stare. “Don’t. Don’t feed me bullshit, Griff. You tell me it killed you to see me with other people, but did you ever think how I felt about you being treated like garbage? Hearing you tell me how these men were assholes and used you for sex? I watched and listened and hoped every new guy would be different for you.”
Jamieson stops pacing and stands in front of me. “When you showed up with that black eye at Jackson’s place, I…” He swallows and closes his eyes. “I wanted to kill the asshole.” Jamie kneels on the floor in front of me and places his hands on my knees. “I’ve seen you stand up for yourself and others before. I know you’re a strong person, so help me understand this.”
My heart races so fast it might explode in my chest.
“It’s not a simple explanation, Jamie. There’s a lot of shit with me. If I’m being honest, I should probably seek therapy and not try to become a therapist.”
Jamieson’s eyes flash to mine. “While we’re dumping secrets…I saw the letter from the university on your couch. We’ll come back to that.”
Swallowing hard, I stare into the eyes of my best friend and see nothing but care and concern. Maybe I’ve fucked things up this whole time by keeping things to myself. I should have trusted him more with all my secrets. Even if I never admitted I was in love with him, I should have leaned on him. Instead of protecting him, I’ve hurt him .
“There was no sex, Jamie.” Squeezing my eyes closed, I continue. “Well, I considered what we did sex, but I was garbage because they didn’t get what they wanted.”
“What? I don’t follow.” His thumbs rub circles on my thigh, calming me. Offering me the comfort I always refuse to take. This time I need to go all in. It’s Jamie, for fuck’s sake. I kissed him, and he’s still here, talking things out like a rational person, while I fight the urge to just stuff it all away and pretend everything is fine.
“I don’t like penetrative sex,” I blurt and run all the words together because if I say it too slowly, I might change my mind.
Jamie doesn’t blink. He just waits for me to continue. “He hit me because he said I led him on. It’s not a dating app. It’s a fucking app, right?” I laugh dryly and turn my head away. “There’s a stigma in the gay community towards men who don’t like anal. I try to hide it until I can’t, then I make an excuse to cut ties so they don’t find out. That guy was…overly aggressive, and he caught me off guard.”
Jamieson remains eerily still. Even his thumbs have stopped moving on my thigh.
“He hit you because he wanted to fuck and you weren’t into it?” His voice is a scary growl, and his hands grip my thighs. “Griff? Is that what you’re saying to me?”
“Yeah, that’s it in a nutshell.” As hard as it was for me to tell him that, the tension in my shoulders loosens.
Jamieson stares at his hands for a few moments before he runs his fingertips over my cast. “The night I waited for you when you broke your arm. Two things went through my mind. I hated that you were hurt because of me, and all I wanted to do was take care of you. It was like a repeat broadcast of the same commercial. You know, like those Sarah McLachlan ones where they show you all the animals and ask for money?”
Despite the image those commercials create, I nod. “The ones that make you cry and get your credit card out.”
“Yeah. I wanted to cry, and there was this thing…this, I don’t know, a feeling, I guess. It was this lump in my throat. This overwhelming feeling that you needed me. I know that sounds stupid, but while I sat there knowing you only had a broken arm, all I could think about was what if it was worse? What if I lost you one day? What if I never met you? All the fucking what-ifs I could think of and that damn lump never went away.”
Jamieson’s chest heaves like it took great effort to say all that. Perhaps it did.
“I can’t stay away from you, Jamie. You’re a part of me. The only way I’m leaving is if you tell me to.”
He shakes his head with conviction. “No, Griff. I need you to stay. Please. We’re on the same page with that, right?” He pushes himself up and hovers close to my face. “Can I kiss you again?”
All the air leaves my lungs, and I swallow hard. Is this actually happening? “Yes,” my voice is barely a whisper as Jamieson brushes his lips over mine. It’s a slower kiss. Much different from the passion-fueled one in the bar. This one is so tender, my heart aches for not saying something sooner. Maybe I could have had this years ago if I’d been brave enough to reach for it.
He rests his forehead against mine and my hands grip his arms on either side of me. “We’ll figure this out, Griff. If you want to try, I mean.”
His warm breath fans my face, and I swear I can feel the pulse on his forehead against mine .
“You want us to be…dating?”
“Yeah. We have too much between us to ignore this. If you want to, I’m here.” Jamie releases a shaky breath. “I like kissing you.”
“Can we do this slowly?” I breathe as I slide a hand to cup Jamieson’s face. “I have a lot of stuff to work through, and I’m probably messier than a pulled pork sandwich at a Rodeo Days’ food truck.”
Jamieson’s stomach growls, and neither of us can hold the laugh inside.
“It has a mind of its own, I swear.” He chuckles as he helps me off the couch. “But yeah, Griff. I don’t want us to keep hurting each other. I can slow down for you.”
“What about the whole sex thing? That’s, I mean, most guys—”
“I’m not most guys , Griff. There are far too many other ways to have an orgasm. It’s not a deal breaker.” My body leans into his, and I circle my arms around him as he hugs me back. “And I like messy.”
“I’ve seen you eat. I know.”
Jamieson pinches my ass. “Asshole.”
But we laugh as we strip down to our boxers, and he holds the covers up for me. He doesn’t hesitate and pulls me against his chest, being careful to make sure my arm has support.
For the first time in years, I fall asleep quickly.