19. Griff
nineteen
Griff
“ D ad? It’s Griff.”
Jamieson lingers behind me as we step into the trailer, and my eyes immediately land on the bin filled with empty beer cans and a 26-oz bottle of rye. He usually sticks to beer, so that’s new, and I don’t like it any more than I like the number of empty beer cans.
The air is stale in the trailer in this late summer heat, and I smack the window air conditioner unit that’s usually running. It probably costs more than it’s worth to run, and I should look at replacing it.
“Son?”
My dad’s voice sounds from his bedroom, and I whisper to Jamie. “Let me go check on him. I’d say make yourself at home, but…” I gesture to the mess. “I usually clean up a little while I’m here, but I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll be here.”
Jamie presses a kiss to my cheek, and I walk down the hall to Dad’s bedroom. I almost gag when I step inside. The scent of urine is overpowering, and I wonder how long he’s been lying in bed.
“Dad? You okay? ”
I crack the old metal slat blinds on the window. The dust floats in the sunbeam as it tries to lighten the room and the atmosphere.
“I lay down for a nap after the Roughriders game, and now you’re here. This is a surprise.”
The Roughriders game was two fucking days ago. He’s been in his own piss for two days?
“Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get here this week, so I didn’t want to disappoint you, just in case.”
Dad pushes himself up. He’s a little wobbly, but stronger than I expected if he hasn’t moved in two days.
“Why don’t I help you with the shower, Dad? It will wake you up a little, and we can have lunch. It’s warm in here, too. You should get some water into you.”
“Oh, I don’t need help in the shower. I’m a grown man.”
His voice still carries that tone I hate. It’s a mix of denial that nothing is wrong with him and pride that he’d need help. It makes me want to scream. To yell at him that grown men don’t spend the day drinking and pass out in a bed full of piss, but that anger would get me nowhere. Instead, I push away his words and root around for clean clothes for him.
“Okay. I’ll get your sheets changed while you’re in there, but if you change your mind, call out.”
My dad shuffles down the short hall, and I set the clean clothes on the bathroom counter for him. He mutters his thanks and once the water turns on, I walk down the hall to look for Jamieson. I find him in the kitchen, emptying the garbage and taking the pile of empty cans outside.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, I don’t, but I want to. Is he okay? ”
“He says he is, but I think he’s been passed out for close to two days. His mattress is soaked in piss and he’s shaking pretty bad.”
Jamieson reaches for my hand. “If you need me to do more, just ask. Anything, Griff. I’m here for you, and you don’t need to do this by yourself.”
My throat closes, and I throw myself against him, burying my nose against his neck. “Thank you,” I croak. “For…you. For this. This is the worst I’ve found him, and I’m scared.”
He rubs his hands up my back, and his arms provide strength I don’t feel right now. I never realized how much I needed someone to lean on until now. Jamieson hasn’t turned up his nose or run away screaming. He’s here for me in every capacity and I wish I had asked for his help sooner. Even if I never kissed him, he’d be here for me, and I should never have doubted that.
“I’m gonna change his bedding while he’s in the shower. If you want to grab the bags of groceries and bring them in, that would be great.”
“You got it.”
Jamie kisses my cheek and turns to head out to the truck.
“I love you.” My voice, clogged with emotion, barely squeaks out.
“I love you, too.”
The door clicks behind him, and I stride down the hall towards dad’s room, my mind whirring about the conversation we need to have. With his soiled sheets in the hamper, I spray the mattress with Lysol before placing a clean sheet and checking his comforter. It needs washing too, but that requires a laundromat. Maybe I’ll just buy him a new one and take this one back home with me to deal with .
“Griff?”
My dad’s voice sounds from the bathroom, and I hurry over to the door.
“Yeah, Dad?”
“Could you come in?”
I step into the small bathroom and dad sits hunched on the toilet bowl, looking far older than his sixty-one years. “What do you need?”
“Do you think you could help me shave? I tried, but I dropped the razor and…” My dad’s bloodshot eyes well up and I notice how much more his hands are shaking since he’s been awake.
“Dad,” I whisper as I kneel in front of him and take his hands in mine. “You’re not well, and it’s okay to ask for help. But I want you to listen while I help. Can you do that?”
He remains silent but I stand and fish the shave cream from the shower and find a new razor in his cabinet. Dad never liked electric ones and hasn’t even progressed to a five-blade razor. He buys bags of disposable ones from the dollar store that have no forgiveness in the blade, and I’m scared to shave him with one.
After lathering on the foam and filling the sink with warm water, I kneel back in front of him. He’s in an early stage of withdrawal. That much I’m aware of with my research. He’s also probably still in denial. A thin sweat breaks on his skin while I shave, and I launch into the speech I prepared for him today.
“Mom isn’t coming back. I know you’re sad. I am too. We’re two amazing men she turned her back on. It’s her loss, Dad. Remember that, okay? That’s the only thing that makes it hurt less sometimes for me. That I’m amazing without her.” I scrape the razor along his face, and he closes his eyes. “I don’t fault you for turning to booze, Dad. But I want my dad to meet the special people in my life, and I want to help you.”
“I’ve been a shitty father.” His voice cracks with a deep sorrow. “Sometimes I wonder why you keep coming back.”
My hand jerks at his words. He’s never spoken like this, and I take a moment to wipe the shave cream off the side of his face while I gather my thoughts. My pre-planned speech is no longer needed.
“Because I love you. You’re my dad, and if you let me help you, we can have more years together.” Taking his hands in mine again and I squeeze and force him to look at me. “I know you don’t want to admit it, but you’re sick. I came here today to force you to listen to me.”
Dad attempts a smile, and his body shivers. I’m scared out of my mind that he might actually die before I can get him to the rehab facility that I paid for in advance. I wasted too many years leaving him like this, and I regret not being more firm over it, but it’s time.
“I have a spot at a facility in Kissing Ridge reserved for you. It’s a rehab place. You’d have your own room and access to doctors and therapists. All I need to do is make one phone call, and they’ll be on their way to pick you up.”
Dad’s shakes and shivers worsen, but there’s strength in his grip on my hand that gives me hope.
“It’s closer to you? I’d see you more?”
“I wouldn’t be able to see you for the first few weeks, but after that, yeah. Do you want to stay in Kissing Ridge?”
Dad stops trying to hold the tears back and breaks into an ugly cry. “I don’t want to die alone, Griffy. I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you. I want to see you at the rodeo and be there for you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. ”
“Hey…stop that.” Reaching over to the toilet paper roll, I tear off a bunch and wipe at his wet cheeks. “Right now, I need to know if you’ll go to rehab. One call, Dad. I have it all ready. I just need you to say yes, and we’ll get started.”
“I want to.”
I know he’s probably only agreeing because he’s scared and feeling like shit as he sobers. But I’m holding on to the promise of his words. If he’s truly sorry, he should do this. I just hope like hell we aren’t too late.
“I’m going to make the call, and then I’ll finish your shave. While we wait for your pickup, I have someone I want you to meet.”
Standing, I grab a towel from the cabinet and drape it over his shoulders. His shaking is escalating, and it’s painful to watch him suffer through this. After taking my phone from my pocket, I dial the contact and speak to Justin.
“Hey Justin. It’s Griff.”
“Hi Griff. Are we a go?”
“He said yes, and he’s already in withdrawal. He passed out for over 24 hours, maybe longer, and hasn’t had a drink since the football game on Tuesday.”
“Okay. We can deal with that. I have a unit on the way already for his pickup. I was confident you’d get him to say yes, and they left thirty minutes ago.”
“So, about an hour until they’re here?”
Justin and I confirm a few details, and after ending the call, I kneel in front of Dad again.
“You’re going to get through this, Dad. Want me to shave the other side, or do you want to start a new trend? ”
Dad smiles a little, and it makes me hopeful that better days are ahead.
“I’m n-no trend setter, Griffy. Go ahead and sh-shave it.”
Now that I’ve had the hard conversation, I can concentrate on shaving the rest of his face. I help him get dressed, and when we step out of the bathroom, the aroma of chicken noodle soup greets us.
My dad’s body is so frail it breaks my heart, but together we make it to the tiny kitchen table and find Jamieson’s six-foot-two frame taking up most of his kitchen while he stirs soup on the stove.
My dad immediately sits at the table, and Jamie turns to greet him.
“Mr. Shepard, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He offers my dad a hand and I notice my dad assessing Jamieson. Judging if he’s good enough for his son and while I wish they met under different circumstances, I’m just happy they finally have.
Dad takes the offered hand with a single shake. “Got a name?”
Jamieson blushes and stumbles over his words. “Oh, yeah, so sorry. I’m Jamieson.”
“If he cooks, he’s already a keeper, Griff.”
The first smile I’ve had in my dad’s home in years graces my face. Despite the situation and worrying about my dad, I can’t hide the smile if I tried.
“He’s really not bad,” I say as I kiss him on the cheek and reach for the soup bowls. “Think you can try a bit of soup, dad?”
“I can t-try.”
My dad continues to glance between me and Jamieson and suddenly blurts out, “Do you love my son? ”
Jamie places a bowl in front of dad and lowers himself to the chair next to him. “I’ve never loved anyone more. Did you know he saved my life once?”
“I’m not surprised. Griff is the bravest person I know. Is that when he got the stitches in college?”
“You remember that?” I ask as I sit across from him.
“I do. You didn’t call much, but you called that day, and I knew there was something more to it. I figured you’d tell me, eventually. So it was because of this guy?”
My dad’s hand shakes far too much to get the soup to his mouth, and the liquid falls off the spoon. Jamie, without missing a beat, takes my dad’s spoon and brings a spoonful of soup to his mouth. For a moment, I think my dad will tell him to piss off and he doesn’t need spoon feeding, but he doesn’t.
“Yeah, it was me. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here today. Seems like you and I already have a lot in common, Mr. Shepard.” My dad opens his mouth for another measure of soup and Jamieson just keeps feeding him like it’s not weird to meet your boyfriend’s father and start spoon feeding him.
“Call me Charlie.”
Jamie smiles. “Okay. Charlie, it is.”
Dad coughs on his next swallow and shakes his head that he’s had enough.
“Sorry. Two young bucks like yourselves shouldn’t be here acting like n-nursemaids to an old man.” He slides a shaky and age-spotted hand across the table to me and offers the other to Jamieson. “But thank you. I hope we can do this again and I'll be able to feed myself instead.”
“I’d love that,” Jamieson says, and I know he means it.
“Hey, babe. You okay?”
After the rehab workers picked Dad up and we had a tearful goodbye, Jamieson and I spent several hours cleaning dad’s place. We even ran his old mattress to the landfill, and I’ll get him a new one when he needs it.
If he needs it.
We came home to my place late last night and now after breakfast I’m staring at the wall with my hands in a sink of cold dish water.
“I think I will be. I’m just running through so many scenarios and hoping for something good. He liked you. I want him to know you like I do.”
Jamie circles his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder.
“Keep thinking good thoughts. You’ve done what you can.”
“You’re right.”
He laughs and turns me around. “Of course, I am. I’m doing some weight training with Hunter and Jackson today. Want to join us?” He kisses me softly and I sigh. Fuck, I cannot get enough of him kissing me.
“Not today. Could we meet up later? Maybe at the Thirsty Cow? It’s been ages.”
“That’s a great idea. I’ll text you with the plan later?”
Jamie gathers up the stuff he left lying around the living room and before he leaves, he runs back to me in the kitchen and kisses me breathless.
“What was that for?”
“To let you know I’m yours and I want to get naked with you for the rest of my life.”
Laughing, I push him off me.
“Noted. Now get out of here or you’ll be late.”
Jamieson leaves like the whirlwind he sometimes is and when he’s gone, I miss the space he takes up.