Chapter Nine
The guilt weighs on me. I pushed Bullet too far.
I think subconsciously, I was testing him. Now I’m wondering if that was a good idea.
Bullet was right about one thing, though. I need to get my shit together. I am tired of always being in a state of crisis.
I won’t admit it, but him saying my mom would be disappointed in me really hit home too. When I sat back and thought about it, he was right. Sure, she was open about my sexuality and need to grow up, but she wouldn’t have approved of my behavior recently.
She might be gone, but I still want to make her proud. I’m her legacy. I want people to remember how good she was when they look at me. Not see the mess she left behind.
So I’m going to be better.
If only Bullet weren’t acting so indifferent to me.
He still comes and guards my place, but it wasn’t like before.
He’s not coddling me anymore. I can’t say I like it.
I depended on the attention he was giving me.
It was the only thing that kept me going, but when it suddenly stopped? I saw the truth.
I was living in a vicious cycle. If I don’t want to keep down that dark road, I need to make some changes. The first one being therapy. I need to give it a real shot.
When I step from my room, I expect to find Bullet waiting for me, but he’s not. In his place is a pretty little blonde who has become so important to this club.
“Natalie, what are you doing here?” I ask.
She turns and smiles at me. “Bullet had a club errand, and I wanted to check in. You don’t mind, do you?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. I have therapy, though.”
“I know. At the hospital. If you’re ready, we can head that way.”
“Yes. Of course.” I grab my purse and house keys.
Once we are in the car, Natalie starts talking.
“I know things have been rough for you, but I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about it.”
I look down at my hands in my lap. Before my epiphany, I would have told her thank you and then ignored her, but I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t want to live in despair anymore.
“I don’t know how to live without her. She was my best friend,” I admit.
“Oh, honey. I can’t say I understand. My parents were shit, but your mother loved you very much. She wouldn’t want you to live in misery without her,” Natalie tells me.
“I know, but I don’t know how not to be like this.
It’s like I lost her, but then I lost my dad too.
Then I was in this pit of grief and I couldn’t find my way out.
All I could do was numb the pain. Every single day, I wake up and remember she’s gone, and all I feel is this overwhelming pain in my chest.” I press my hand to my chest. “I can’t breathe some days. I want her back.”
My tears start to fall. This is usually when I text Skyla and ask where the party is. Where I would lose myself to the numb instead of feeling this pain, but not today. Today, I let it pierce me.
Natalie starts crying as well, as she reaches over and squeezes my hand before looking back out the windshield.
“Grief comes in all forms. Some people can move on as if nothing happened, but grieve internally. Others spiral like you have been doing. There is no right or wrong way to feel here.”
“Maybe not, but I haven’t acted right since it happened. It’s been two years. Shouldn’t I be back to normal?” I ask her.
“What is normal? I don’t think you can go through something as traumatic as you did and go back to the person you were before.
Every day, something changes within you.
Most of the time, it’s small and you can’t see it, but eventually you look back and realize you aren’t the same person you were when you were fifteen.
That is normal. You happened to go through a big change all at once.
That is normal too. What you need to do is figure out who you want to be now.
It’s not too late to stop the destructive behavior and start again. ”
I sigh. “Bullet hates me now. He won’t even talk to me. It might be too late for me.”
She snorts as she pulls into a parking spot at the hospital. “Oh, honey. That boy does not hate you.”
“How can you be sure? He has been avoiding me all he can,” I tell her.
“Maybe, but that boy has also made it his single most important job to care for you. When your mom passed, he made it his mission to make sure you were okay. You probably don’t even remember, but he stayed at your house for the first two weeks until Honk kicked him out.
He brought food and paid your bills. Actually, I’m pretty sure he is still paying your bills. ”
I shake my head. “He did that for Dad.”
“No, honey. He did that for you. The club would have taken care of it for your dad. That’s what we do for members. Bullet made it his personal burden because of you. He has always only cared for you.”
I want to believe her words so badly. I need him to care for me. I still feel like I ruined it though.
Instead of telling her that, I look up at the building again.
“I guess I should go to therapy. Did it really help you?” I ask her, remembering when she did virtual therapy.
“It did. Don’t look at the therapist as your enemy.
They are a tool for you to use. Someone you can say your deepest and darkest secrets to.
You can be cruel and say the things that you would never say otherwise.
They won’t judge you. It’s a good way to get everything off your chest and process through all the pain. ”
I let her words settle in.
“Thank you, Natalie. I’m really glad you picked me up today.”
“Me too. I won’t be here when you get out, but you’ll have a ride.”
I nod, stepping out of the car.
I’m done being an insolent child. I want to be the Harlee my mom always thought I would be.
I’ll make her proud.
It has killed me to keep my distance from Harlee, but being there hasn’t been helping her. I feel like I was trying to do the right thing by being the person she leaned on, but instead of being the rock, I was the crutch.
I want to be the one holding her as she puts herself back together, but that can’t be. Instead, I need to remove myself from the equation, as much as that kills me.
It’s why I let Natalie take her to therapy. I had hoped she might open up to her a little bit. Maybe lose some of the attitude she always has with me.
I didn’t expect a miracle, but a small step is all it takes.
Still, I can’t help but be drawn toward her. It’s why I’m here picking her up instead of the prospect.
So when she steps out of the hospital and looks around, I straighten up, waiting for her to notice me.
She looks emotionally drained. I hate that for her, but I also know it’s what needs to be done in order for her to get better.
“Hey,” she says as she walks up to me.
I nod my head once, handing her the helmet. When I climb on the bike, she climbs on behind me like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I love that feeling, even if it’s fleeting.
We don’t speak the entire trip back to her house, not that it’s easy to. When she climbs off, I don’t turn off the bike. I can’t stay. I will say too much.
She doesn’t walk inside right away, though. She stands there and looks at me with those eyes that make me want to burn the fucking world for her.
So I turn off the bike and get off against my better judgment.
“Can we talk?” she asks after a moment of silence.
I nod, gesturing for her to go inside before I follow her. When we settle into the living room, I face her and wait.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have thrown shit at you or yelled at you or done any of the shit I’ve been doing. I know you only want what is best for me.”
I’m surprised by the apology. Still, I don’t say a word. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’ve already said it all.
“I appreciate everything you have done to keep me together. Even sending my dad off to get help. I know you did that for me as much as for him. I didn’t see what a blessing you were until you withdrew from me.
I know I don’t deserve to ask this of you, but please don’t leave me.
I don’t want to be alone.” Her last words are on a whisper.
I move toward her, dropping to my knees in front of the chair she is sitting in as I stare up into her face.
“I will never leave you, but I won’t sit by and let you destroy your life either.
You keep pushing away everyone who wants to help you.
Natalie, Tara, and Kaitlyn have all been around trying to get inside that head of yours, but you refuse.
I’m the only one you let close, but only to be your punching bag.
I’ll gladly be your punching bag for the rest of time if it means you are getting better, but I feel like I’ve just enabled you.
I can’t do that anymore, Angel. I can’t sit by and watch you rot.
So I won’t leave you alone, but I can’t be the man I have been for you. ”
“I’m going to get better,” she promises.
“I sure fucking hope you do, but you can’t do it to keep me around.
You can’t do it because your dad needs you to be the strong one or because you are worried I’m disappointed in you.
You need to do it for yourself. I realized that I had been trying to hold you together with tape, but that was always a temporary fix.
You need to look inside yourself and decide if you want to be put back together.
Only then will the fire burn bright enough to forge the pieces together for good.
I will always be here for you, Harlee. Always, but I can’t make you want to be better. You have to want that for yourself.”
I reach up, cupping her cheek as her tears start to fall. I brush them away, wishing I could take this pain from her. I wish it was me dying inside.
“I hear what you are saying. I do want to heal. I want this pain to not weigh on me the way it has. I know it’s going to take time and patience. Will you be my friend through it, though? I can’t do it alone. Please.”
As if I could deny her a single thing she asks. She could ask me to carve my heart out of my chest, and I would do it gladly, knowing I would die.
“I’ll never stop being your friend, Harlee. I promise you that.”
She lets all of her body weight fall into me as she wraps her arms around my neck. I let her cry as I hold her for as long as she needs.
I expect another hour-long sob fest, but she surprises me when, after ten minutes, she pulls herself together. She leans back and looks up into my face as she gives me a small smile.
“Thank you. For being here for me. I know it hasn’t been easy, but it means more than you know.”
I brush a piece of hair from her face. “Not even God himself could stop me from being by your side. I’ll always be here for you, Harlee. Always.”
“Will you stay and watch a movie with me? I don’t think I’m ready to be alone. Therapy took a lot out of me, and if I sit here alone, I will dwell on it,” she tells me.
“Sure. Whatever you want. How about you pick a movie, and I’ll send the prospect to that Asian fusion place you like.”
She smiles up at me like she just won the lottery. It’s the first time in a long time I’ve seen a smile like that on her.
“I’d like that.”
I can’t help but feel like things will be okay.