Chapter Ten
The last thing I wanted to do tonight was come hang out at the clubhouse under the watchful eyes of my dad’s brothers. Since my mom died, I’ve tried to distance myself from the club and anything that reminded me of her. That and I tried to avoid my father as much as possible.
No one likes watching their father stumble around drunk while women in skimpy clothes hit on him. In my father’s defense, though, he always waved them away. He never gave them the time of day, at least not when I was around.
What I forgot, though, was how much I liked the club. Or, more accurately, the old ladies of the club members.
Kaitlyn tips her head back and laughs. “I can’t believe that happened.”
“I swear it did,” Natalie says.
“What made it even funnier is when Eleanor walked in and didn’t even bat an eye. She just told them to carry on and to make sure that they cleaned up when they were done,” Tara says.
My breath catches as they say her name. I don’t even remember the last time somebody said my mom’s name aloud.
“Are you okay?” Lainey asks as she rests her hand on my arm.
Her question gets the other girl’s attention, and I feel them looking at me as I stare at my hands in my lap. For a split second, I contemplate lying and telling them I’m fine.
“I’m pretty sure that was the first time I’ve heard my mom’s name said aloud since her funeral,” I confess quietly.
I hear the girls gasp, but I don’t look up.
“Are you serious?” Tara asks.
“That can’t be true, can it?” Natalie asks, sounding appalled.
Looking up, I offer them a weak smile and shrug. “I’m pretty sure, and if it’s not, it was definitely the first time I’ve heard it that didn’t have condolences attached to it.”
The girls share a look before they looks back at me.
“You know no one is ever truly gone until the last person who remembers them forgets to speak their name, right?” Lainey asks gently.
I shake my head. “I’ve never heard that before. I’m not upset about it. It was a shock, is all.”
Natalie reaches across and takes my hand in hers. “I’m sorry.”
I look over at one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met and frown. “What are you sorry about? Last I checked, you had nothing to do with her death.”
“Yeah, but we could have been there for you more. I wanted to, but Reaper told me you needed space. You even told me you needed space once. I should have pushed harder,” Natalie says as tears fill her eyes.
“We all should have,” Kaitlyn says.
“Well, we’re here now. Do you want to talk about it?” Lainey asks gently.
I open my mouth to change the subject but stop myself. Maybe if I admit that I’m struggling, it’ll help. Maybe I’ll stop being so destructive and hurting those around me.
Hurting Jacob.
“I feel like the night of my mom’s accident, I didn’t just lose her, but I lost my dad too. I feel like my life is out of control, and I can’t do anything to stop it,” I admit softly.
Tara nods. “I can see that. When he lost her…”
I swallow hard. “I’ve been so fucking mad at him.
At the world, at everything. I know he lost his wife and everything, but I lost my mom.
I needed him, and he wasn’t there. It was like he was so lost in his grief that he forgot I existed.
Did you know he didn’t even say goodbye when he left for rehab? ”
Lainey sucks in a breath next to me. “Please tell me you’re joking…”
I shake my head. “I wish I was. When I say I feel like I lost both of them that night, I mean it.”
“His behavior is inexcusable. I wish I would have kicked his ass,” Tara mutters.
“You and me both,” Kaitlyn says.
Evelyn shifts, pulling my eyes toward her. She stares at me thoughtfully. Natalie follows my line of sight over to her.
“You look like you have something to say,” Natalie says.
Evelyn sighs as she swirls her drink around in her cup.
“If my time as a doctor has taught me anything, it’s that grief isn’t linear, there is no rule book, nothing.
Grief for me looks differently than it would for any of you.
Like Tara said, his behavior is inexcusable, but I can’t blame him.
None of us have ever lost somebody that we’ve spent more than half of our life with.
Someone that we loved with our entire being. ”
I think about my parents and the way they were with each other.
They were always so in tune with one another.
Almost as if they knew what the other person needed before they did.
While most people my age had parents who were divorced, my parents were the exact opposite.
They were always all over each other, always kissing, hugging, dancing, laughing.
My friends used to say that they wanted a marriage like my parents had when they grew up.
I used to agree, but now I’m not sure. The thought of somebody having that much power over me is terrifying. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give someone that level of trust. That level of commitment and love. Not when it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye.
Evelyn’s right, though. I have no idea what it’s like. I only know what it’s like to lose a parent.
“It is what it is,” I murmur softly.
“You’re in therapy, though. Is it helping?” Evelyn says.
I wince as I think about her friend. “I’m not sure how I feel about therapy yet.”
Natalie laughs. “Yeah, it can be difficult to get into. Opening up to strangers is never easy or fun.”
“And therapy isn’t for everyone,” Tara says.
“Very true,” Kaitlyn murmurs.
I don’t know why, but I start to feel uncomfortable with the subject at hand. I know they’re trying to be helpful and everything, but I just don’t want to talk about it. Lainey must pick up on my mood shift because she squeezes my hand and changes the subject.
“Oh my god, did I tell you guys that the twins were called into the principal’s office?” she asks.
“Oh god. What did they do now?” Tara asks with laughter in her voice.
“So, apparently, the school resource officer came in and was doing their whole ‘say no to drugs and alcohol’ thing. I guess they told the kids that they needed to stay away from gangs and MCs. He apparently said MCs are bad. Let’s just say our girls did not let that fly,” she says, making us all laugh.
“No, I bet they didn’t,” Natalie muses.
Once again, the conversation shifts, and it becomes lighter. As I sit and listen, I can’t help but watch these women and feel nothing but gratitude. For the first time in a long time, I feel seen and heard by someone other than Bullet.
And for that I’m grateful.
The sound of laughter catches my attention. I look across the room and see the girls are all sitting together, laughing and having a good time. Something about the scene puts me at ease. For once, Harlee isn’t drunk or high. She’s just having a good time while completely sober.
She must feel my eyes on her because she looks over at me. She winks and then looks away. For some reason, that simple action makes my heart race. Shit, when it comes to Harlee, everything about her makes my heart race.
“Could you stare any harder?” Wrath asks as he approaches.
“I don’t know, but I’d be willing to give it a try,” I joke, making him laugh.
For a minute we’re quiet while we stand and watch our girls across the room.
“How’s she doing?” he asks quietly.
“She’s hanging in there,” I tell him honestly.
“Do you think she’s going to pull herself out of this downward spiral?”
The thought of her continuing on this path makes me sick.
“Time will tell, but I hope so.”
“I can’t really blame her. The girl’s been through a lot already.”
“And she’s only nineteen,” I remind him.
“She’s going to therapy, though, right? I think that’s what I heard.”
“Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts, though. I have this sneaking suspicion she’s more like Tara than Natalie.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Wrath smile at just the mention of his girl.
“Nothing wrong with that. Not all of us are meant to be locked in a room with a stranger and forced to share our feelings.”
I wince as I think about it.
“Yeah, no thanks. I think I would rather have a root canal,” I say, making him chuckle.
“Congratulations, by the way.”
I frown. “Why are you congratulating me?”
“Because we all know that if it weren’t for you, she wouldn’t have graduated. You single-handedly kept her together the last few years, and it hasn’t gone unnoticed.”
“She’s the one who sat in the classroom, not me,” I tell him, feeling uncomfortable with his praise.
I might have been the one to force her hand, but at the end of the day, she’s the one who stayed. She studied and passed all of her classes. She’s the one who deserves all the credit, not me.
“What do you think she’s going to do now?” he asks, slightly changing the subject.
I look back over at her. “Her plan was to leave.” I remember how sure she sounded when she spoke those words.
“Has that changed?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve kind of been avoiding the topic.”
Wrath hums. “You know, I have an idea, but she’d have to be open to it.”
“I’m listening.”
“Well, it is summertime, and we all know the girl could use money either to get out of here or just to buy whatever shit girls buy. Midnight has an opening at the shop at the front desk. Claire is due to have her baby soon, so he wants someone in place temporarily to keep things going. Maybe she’d be willing to take one for the team and work there? ”
How the hell did I not think of this? Maybe the solution to all of her acting out has been right in front of me all along.
I just hadn’t thought of it. Maybe if she has a job and she works enough hours, she’ll tire herself out and she won’t feel the need to party and self-medicate. It will give her some purpose.
I’m a fucking idiot.
“So what do you think?” Wrath asks.
“I think if I can get her to agree, it could definitely help. Thank you, that honestly hadn’t even crossed my mind.”
Wrath slaps my shoulder. “It’s not a big deal. It was just an idea.”
“No, I honestly think if I could get her to agree, it could work. Midnight is open to having her work there?”
Wrath nods. “Yeah, I talked to him about it earlier today and told him I’d bring it up to you. I didn’t even realize he was hiring somebody until I stopped by while I was waiting for Tara to get done at the bookshop.”
“I didn’t even realize he was trying to hire someone either.”
I used to know everything that was going on with all my brothers, but I’ve been so wrapped up in Harlee that I haven’t checked in with anyone. Shit, I’m being a bad brother, a bad friend.
“Hey, don’t let it bother you. We don’t have to know everything about each other.
When I asked him about it, he told me the girl that he hired after Lainey is now expecting and is struggling to keep up with shit that needs done around the shop.
I guess Lainey is helping out as much as she can when she’s not busy with the girls. ”
“Yeah, I bet she’s spread thin. I’ll bring it up to Harlee, and hopefully she’s open to the idea. I’ll talk to her about it on the way home.”
Wrath slaps my shoulder. “It looks like now’s the time. Your girl looks ready to leave.”
My girl.
I like the sound of that too much.
I look over and see Harlee giving all of the girls hugs. When she’s done, she starts walking my way.
“Hey, Wrath,” she says as she approaches.
“Hey, Harlee. Congrats on graduating again.”
I watch as a pretty blush covers her cheeks, and she ducks her head.
“Thanks,” she murmurs softly.
“You ready to head out?” I ask.
Harlee looks over at me and smiles. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. My phone died, and I’m kind of tired. It’s been a long day.”
“I’ll see you guys later. Make sure you get home safe,” Wrath says before he walks away.
“Come on, let’s get out of here.”
I rest my hand on her lower back and usher her toward the door. Periodically stopping to tell people bye as we make our way outside.
When we finally get to my bike, I hand her the helmet that is specifically for her. Feeling her climb on behind me has relief filling me. She’s still here. At least for a little while.
We make the fifteen-minute drive to her house without incident. When we get there, I follow her inside.
“Are you staying?” she asks.
“I planned on it. Unless you don’t want me to. I can send someone else to stay with you.”
I watch as she bites her lower lip, and I fight the instinct to reach over and free it. I want to be the only one who bites that lip. I push the thought away. It’s not like that between us. Not now at least.
“Are you okay?” Harlee asks as she studies me.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’m good. Hey, I actually want to run something by you.”
“What’s up?”
“Wrath was just telling me that Midnight is hiring at the tattoo shop. What do you think about working there? At least until you’re ready to leave. If you still plan on leaving.”
Her nose scrunches. “I don’t know, I’ve never had a job before and I don’t want to disappoint him…”
“Why do you think you would disappoint him?”
“Because I’ve never worked a day in my life.” She laughs. “That and I don’t know the first thing about working at a tattoo shop.”
“Do you think Lainey had any idea about how to work at a tattoo shop when she was hired?” I tease, making her laugh.
When Midnight hired Lainey, he did it as a favor to her. She didn’t have the first clue about tattoos, let alone working at a tattoo shop. She caught on quickly and then captured his heart too. I’m happy to see him so in love.
“Very true,” she muses.
“So what do you think? Are you at least willing to try?”
Harlee takes her time answering. “You know what, why not. If you’re sure he’s okay with hiring me, then I’ll do it.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” she says softly.
We stare at each other for a moment. All I want to do is pull her into my arms and kiss her.
I push the thought away. It’s not like that between us, I remind myself.
I clear my throat, breaking eye contact. “Cool, I’ll find out when he wants you to start. Sound good?”
“Yeah, it sounds good. Thanks, Jacob. You didn’t have to do this, and I hope you know I appreciate it.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
Doesn’t she know I do anything for her?