Chapter 20 - Lucas
I stared at the tree line, wishing something would happen. It would be better than sitting here with my mind going everywhere.
I rubbed my eyes, exhaustion starting to set in. It was a little past five now, so my shift was almost over. I would have to go back to the house and see Gina. Neither of us has spoken much since the news.
My wolf growled, irritated at me. And if I was honest, I was annoyed at myself. How did I get here? I knocked up my mate, yet we weren't really together. I'd had a fight with Miles, which I'm sure he was still sour about.
"Hey," I turned, spotting Cayden getting out of his car and walking to where I was sitting, staring at the trees. "Anything happen?"
"No," I said, turning my eyes back to the trees. "Another quiet night."
"Well, that's good, even though you don't sound happy about it," he said, stopping next to me. He stuffed his hands into his pocket, leaning back on his heels. He was quiet, but I could feel he wanted to speak.
I scowled. "What?"
"Just want to make sure you're okay. You haven't said much since your fight with Miles."
"I'm fine," I snapped, looking at him. But Cayden didn't show emotion on his face. It remained neutral, and he simply raised an eyebrow. "So, Mile's face was what exactly? A spur-of-the-moment thing just for fun?"
I knew Miles was probably pissed, and Laura was going to rip me a new one the next time she saw me. I wasn't lying when I said I felt bad. As much as we argued and didn't get along, I crossed a line.
We were allowed to fight, though Ayden advised against it. But that fight had been fueled by rage, and I’d had the upper hand and used it to my advantage.
"How is he?"
Cayden clicked his tongue. "Broken nose, busted lip, and bruised eye. He's starting to heal up, but he's going to look like that for a couple of days."
I inhaled slowly. I could picture the face Laura probably made when she saw him.
"So, what the hell has gotten into you?" he asked, "Miles taunts everyone, and you just snapped."
I sighed, trying to find the words. Any other time, I would have ignored him, but it was because he brought up Gina. It was the fact he said I was getting what I deserved.
I had been thinking about my past and how terribly I treated Gina. I thought about all the times I could have helped her, but instead, I stood on the sidelines, or I said shit that I knew would hurt her.
His words sparked something deep in me, and I badly wanted to shut him up because he was right. I was getting what I deserved.
I frowned. "She's pregnant."
"Yeah, I gathered that," Cayden said.
"She's my mate, and I rejected her years ago. I.." I ran a hand through my hair, shaking my head. "I don't know what's going to happen."
"What do you want to happen?"
I hadn't thought about that. I just thought about helping her. I never imagined we would get here, let alone have a child together.
"I wanted her happy."
"And she isn't?"
I couldn't say that. I didn't know what she was, but she didn't look happy when she told me. She looked utterly terrified. She looked like she was finally starting to adjust to this life, and then the second she thought she was pregnant, I could see the horror in her eyes.
"Even if she was happy, I'm not dad material. I didn't have a role model."
"I thought you had a dad."
I snorted. "Having one and having a good role model isn't the same thing." I was like my father in a lot of ways. He never showed affection and never made sure to check on me. I knew my father cared, but it was nothing like you pictured a father being.
When I moved here and heard the guys talk about their families, it seemed very different than mine. There seemed to be a lot more laughter and more fond memories than I had experienced.
When the guys had their kids…I could tell they would never let harm come to them. Ayden and Miles would kill someone for even looking at their children wrong. Miles treated Michael like he was his own. They all went to their kids' school events and activities. I wasn't sure I had that in me.
I wasn't a huge fan of children. You never knew what to expect, and I wasn't even sure if I wanted children.
"I think you would be a good role model."
I glared at him. "That's not funny."
"I was being serious," Cayden said, offering me a smile. "I understand the fear, but are you really going to let fear hold you back from something that could make your life better?"
I thought about Christmas when my mother traveled to see me by herself. She hugged me tightly, moving my hair around like she had when I was five. Unlike my father, she was a spark of light all the time. She'd dimmed herself for my father, seeming almost unhappy at times.
"Well, what are your Christmas plans?" she asked, leaning back in the booth of the restaurant we were at. She had her hair cut short in a bob and was wearing a thick winter jacket. She looked tan in the face, and I wondered what she'd been up to.
"Just working."
She scowled, "Why would you work on a holiday?"
"Why are you here?" I asked, frowning at her. "And where is dad?"
Her lips went into a line, and she looked away. She was quiet for a moment before she sighed. "You sound so much like him. Somehow, I think you have none of me in you."
"You didn't answer the question."
Her eyes snapped to me, hardening. "Don't start that tone with me, Lucas. You may be a big boy now, but I'm still your mother."
I exhaled. "Mom, I don't have time for this. If you're mad at Dad, just say so. I have to get to work."
"I needed air," she said back, her shoulders dropping. "I just…I needed some air."
My folk's relationship wasn't perfect, but I knew they had been in love at one point. I could see the way my father looked at my mother, but he didn't bend. If my mother wanted something that went against what seemed proper for him, the answer was no.
"I wanted to spend Christmas with you, and he said no." She squared her shoulders. "But no one tells me when I can and can't see my son."
I could imagine the screaming match that would have ignited. My father would have started to yell, and normally, my mother would have backed down, but it seemed this time she hadn't. This time, she barked back.
"And dad's plans?"
She shrugged. "Same as you, work."
I canceled work that day and took my mother shopping instead. At the end of the day, she went home. She kissed me on the forehead and smiled. "There is my son I know and love."
I shook the memory off. It was only last Christmas. One of the few times I felt my mother needed me more than work had.
"When you're a parent, you bend," I said, unsure if I was telling Cayden or myself. "Over and over, you bend. You bend for your wife, and you break for your children. You bend when they need you to. I don't bend," I glanced at Cayden. "How can I be a father if I'm unwilling to change?"
Cayden stared at me and then raised an eyebrow. "Maybe that is your problem? You don't want to change, but we all change….time goes on, and we don't remain the same. Yet you seem to want to be who you were when you first arrived here, but you're not. None of us are."
Later in the afternoon, I arrived at the fire station. The entire upstairs of the fire station was quiet. No one seemed to speak, and from the look Mile was giving me, he was still pissed.
He didn't look good. He had a black eye and a busted lip. He curled his lip up at me, but no sound came out. I felt a shiver run down my entire spine, even my wolf was disappointed in me.
"All right," Ayden came down the hallway from his office. "Owen and I have to run out and head to a meeting. Cayden and Thomas, you guys head outside to clean the trucks. Miles and Lucas, you two can clean the kitchen."
"You're joking, right," Miles said, no humor in his tone. "You want to leave me with the unhinged jackass? Is my face not enough? Would a busted arm or leg be better?"
Ayden growled at Miles, who quickly looked away. Ayden looked at me. "You keep your cool; otherwise, I'm going to hire someone else."
The space fell quiet once more before Ayden and Owen descended the stairs. Cayden swung out of his chair as Thomas walked with him.
The space was utterly silent, and I glanced at Miles, who was grounding his teeth together. This wasn't the first time we'd fought, and it wasn't the first time we had a fight, but it was the first time I'd taken it too far.
Miles swung up, marching over to the kitchen. "I'll clean the fridge out. You clean the floor."
I pulled myself up, walking after him into the kitchen. Miles didn't look at me as I leaned onto the counter.
"I owe you an apology."
"You're getting the bill for my stitches," he grumbled, yanking the fridge door open. "If I need plastic surgery, I'll send that bill to you as well."
"That's fine," I said, though I doubted he would need surgery.
Miles slammed the door and turned to me. Rage simmered in his eyes. "What the fuck has gotten into you!? Do you even feel sorry about what you did!"
"Of course I do," I snapped back. "Why do you think I said I owe you an apology."
"That isn't an apology! That's admitting you owe me one!"
My shoulders sank. "I'm sorry….I shouldn't have punched you."
Miles glared at me for a moment before he crossed his arms. "And?"
"And broken your nose…" I sighed. "But you knew you were poking at a sore spot to begin with."
Mile's shoulders sank. He rubbed his face and winced before looking back at me. "You're not a heartless person. You're a fucking prick, but you're not a heartless person."
"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that."
Miles scowled. "What has gotten into you? Seriously."
I frowned. "She's my mate, and I treated her lower than dirt. I… she's pregnant, and I don't know what to do. I figured maybe over time we could be something, but…this changes so much."
Miles frowned, almost like something clicked in his eyes. "You didn't want kids, did you?"
I remained silent, and he shook his head. "Since when?"
I shrugged. "I mean, we all say we want kids. But I've never really thought about it."
"And when we all had kids? You still didn't think you wanted them?"
"I'm not dad material," I state. "You can't want something and know you'll never have it."
Miles snorted. "I know for a fact you are. I've seen the way you treat all our children."
"Because they’re your children."
He shook his head. "If you weren't a kid person, Lucas, you wouldn't watch them. You wouldn't offer." Miles shook his head. "You just come from a pack that didn't understand you don't have to push someone to the brink of breaking to raise a good kid. Not everything comes from an iron fist."
"She doesn't want me," I state.
Miles raised an eyebrow. "You sure about that?"
I paused, suddenly unsure about everything.
“Why don’t you stop being afraid of seeing where this can go and just allow it to happen? Win her over.”