Chapter 24
This time, he gulps, the cocky, playful Chase I’ve come to know… the dark, guarded man who has been trooping alongside me for days, casting jealous looks at our companion… suddenly missing as though my own boldness has flipped the switch on him.
Instead of him jumping at the chance to see me on my knees, he’s hesitating as he mutters softly, “I don’t know—”
Maybe not. Or maybe he’s worried that I’ve lost my mind, or already aware that I’ll regret the offer come morning.
But I’m not worried about the morning. I’m focused on taking care of Chase now, and if he needs me to be a little more obvious with what I’ve wanted to do since I accidentally found him leaning up against a tree, jerking off where no one was meant to see, I can do that.
I saw—and now I want.
In one quick motion, I shrug off Rory’s jacket so that I have full use of my arms before laying it gently on the dirt-covered ground just out of my reach.
The same spare hair tie I’ve kept on my wrist since before the Turning is still there.
I yank it off, gathering my hair together, throwing my messy curls up in a high pony.
And then, careful to meet his gaze so he can’t deny that I mean it, I say, “Ask yourself this, baby: would you rather party with your hand tonight or get your dick sucked by a Holden? Because that’s what I’m offering.”
Was it a mistake, saying the name? Considering the pained expression that flashes across his handsome features, maybe. “Look, I—”
I hold up my hands, still standing instead of sinking down to the grass. “Hey. No pressure. But if this is about you cheating on the memory of my twin, I get it. It was just an offer. No hard feelings if you’re not interested.”
His Adam’s apple bobs, the way his jaw flexing telling me that he is interested. That’s not the problem. Cheating on Hallie… I don’t think that’s an issue, either, considering he’s been, well, chasing me since I was let out of St. Matthew’s.
Oh, no. The problem is something I should’ve considered before he finally grates out, “Yeah, but if this is because of what happened back at East Jersey…”
Chase suddenly appears so wary, so torn, I feel like I need to do something, anything, to lighten the mood a little.
Shit. It’s because I said “repay”, isn’t it?
“Speaking of East Jersey… technically you’re my husband.
” It’s a tease, but the words are too heavy for it to really be one.
“Or you would’ve been if Maverick didn’t stop you before you finished…
consummating the act. After all, Chase, you just stuck it in.
You didn’t actually finish the other day. Neither of us did.”
Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell is wrong with me?
Even worse, he doesn’t seem to understand that it is a tease.
“Is that why you’re here tonight? Okay. Instead of you sucking my dick, Holden, we can try that again.
” He shrugs, though it’s nowhere near as casual as he probably wishes it was.
“If you’re willing, I’ll make you my wife.
I’ll consummate that shit right now. Mrs. Knight… it has a nice ring to it, you think?”
My smile slides off of my face.
I was teasing. Chase? No matter how light he tried to make his tone, he wasn’t. After all, he wanted a bride. Hallie… Xandra… he just wants a Holden.
And here I am, growing wet at the idea of him having me flat on my back, his dick stretching me out, calling me his wife…
Fuck.
If I was smart, I’d laugh his comment off, then hightail it back to the campsite to leave Chase to handle his own erection.
I could pretend I had to take a piss, then go back to watching over the fire until either Chase or Maverick and Veronica return, and it would be like this little detour never happened.
If I was smart…
Know what? I’ve never been that smart.
“I’m not going to fuck you tonight, Chase. But I’m going to take care of you.” His momentary disappointment turns to fleeting confusion… until I add, “Just like how you did to me in East Jersey.”
And, to remind him of my earlier offer, I dab my bottom lip with my tongue while reaching up behind me, tightening my ponytail.
He shakes his head, eyes going dark as he can’t help but remember what went down in that spare bedroom. “I won’t say that I didn’t enjoy tasting you, even though I know I should. But I had to, baby. What he expected from us… I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Oh, Chase.
“I know. And, I promise, you didn’t.”
“No,” he says, voice turning ragged as he reaches out, clutching my bare shoulder. His pinkie brushes my burn scar, and if it wasn’t anyone but Chase Knight, I’d be reaching for Rory’s jacket to shrug it on and cover up. But it is Chase, and I… I don’t want to hide from him anymore.
“Chase?”
He sucks in a breath. Whether it’s the soft way I call his name, how I don’t shove him away, or the demons he’s battling in his own head, I can’t tell, but then he exhales roughly.
“You don’t get it,” he tells me. “I couldn’t hurt you. So if we had to do that… I wanted to make sure you were ready for me. That’s why I did that.”
I need him to be absolutely clear with me. “You’re talking about going down on me, right?”
He looks pained again. “I didn’t ask first—”
Is that what this is about? His hot and cold flashes, his jealousy toward Maverick, his frequent trips out into the woods alone, his strained erection now, how he doesn’t seem able to accept my flippant offer to return the favor?
If so… no matter what, he never took what I wasn’t ready or willing to give, even though we were being forced at the time.
That’s always been Chase. I remember, the first time we ever had sex, he made me wait until I was positive I wanted it, then he laid me out, stroking my hair, asking me if I was okay after every couple of centimeters as he slowly worked his dick inside of me—
Wait.
No.
No.
The first time we had sex—the only time we really had sex—we were well past buzzed, wallowing in grief, and found solace in each other.
He still made sure I was with him all the way.
That part was easy since I not only initiated the fucking, but I pushed him on his back and rode him with wild abandon like how I offered to do in front of Darryl.
That way he’d never doubt that I wanted him… because I do.
I want my twin’s childhood sweetheart.
The man she promised to marry before she died, and the man who worshipped her so much, I was so insanely jealous when she told me about how she finally lost her virginity to him after our seventeenth birthday, I picked a random jock from my science class and banged Tony Morello in the locker room during eleventh period.
Chase was always off-limits. Up until the accident, he was Property of Hallie Holden, and there wasn’t even a doubt of that.
No what-ifs, no maybes. Hallie loved him so much, and I thought he was a great guy, but even if my competitive nature meant I couldn’t let her experience something as mundane as sex without feeling what it was like for myself, I never for a moment set my sights on Chase.
Until Hallie was gone and, suddenly, there were a hundred maybes and a thousand what-ifs.
I want him, though I shouldn’t, and even knowing he’s the last guy on Earth that I should be propositioning, that doesn’t stop me at all.
“I want to taste you,” I tell him.
He groans. His dick twitches.
I inch closer.
“I want to do what you did to me, to relax me, to make me feel good. Only for you… I want to get on my knees right now and suck your cock.”
How’s that for making myself clear?
“You… you don’t mean that,” he breathes out.
Oh, baby. You have no idea how much I mean it. “It’s okay. If you want this… just close your eyes. Pretend I’m Hallie.”
“Who will you pretend I am?”
Anyone but Chase… and, no. That would be a lie. It’ll be Chase, but there’s no way I can admit that to him.
So, instead, I murmur, “Does it matter?”
“I should say no. I should lie my fucking ass off. But I can’t… so, yeah. It matters.” A tiny furrow forms on his brow, cheeks gone taut. “Is it someone in the Grave?” His right hand flexes, forming a fist. “Is it Tony? What about—”
He stops short, and a flare of annoyance rushes through me.
Come on, Chase, Ask me what you really want. Ask me if I slept with Maverick during the early days of our journey. Ask me—
I huff out a breath. “You want the truth? I haven’t been with anyone like this since… fuck. Since—”
His breath hitches. “Me? In East Jersey?”
I shake my head.
He gulps. “In the Grave? Your living room?” His lips quirk upward just enough to be noticeable. “There’s been no one else for you, Holden? Just me?”
Fucking hell.
“Yeah.” Damn it. I shake my head. “And I let my emotions get away with me then. Maybe that’s what I’m doing now… maybe this is a mistake. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. And, fuck it, I’m so horny, it hurts. But we don’t have to—”
Chase surges forward, cupping my elbows in his hands, nearly knocking the handcuff bracelet against my funny bone. “I want to.”
“What?”
“If you’re still offering, I’m accepting. But I won’t close my eyes.”
“I look like Hallie, Chase. I’m not her.”
It’s important to me that he understands that my twin… his love… she’s gone and she’s never coming back.
“Does it matter?” he asks, echoing my exact question from before.
It shouldn’t… but it does.
So I lie to him as I lower myself to my knees. “No.”
I give him a moment to change his mind. To grab his dick, tuck it back into his boxer briefs, and zip up. But he doesn’t. Instead, he angles his hips, putting his erection in my reach.
The message is clear. If I want him, I have to take him.
And that’s exactly what I do.
Gripping him by the base of his dick, I tug him toward me, swallowing my laugh when my firm hold has him tripping over his feet to get as close to me as possible. I squeeze. He closes his eyes in obvious prayer. That’s all the sign I need to part my lips and take him into the heat of my mouth.