Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
Why the hell did I ask him that? It was such a good evening. It was carefree and fun. We’re swinging, for Christ’s sake. And then I have to go and open my awkward mouth.
Hey Kade, you know how your wife died? Let’s talk about that!
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?
I’m about to tell him he doesn’t have to talk about such a heartbreaking thing and that I’d understand if he never wants to talk to me ever again when his eyes lock on mine. I notice the anguish in those eyes, and I shut my mouth for once. “A fire.”
“W-what?” I ask him, stunned. Megan died in a fire, and he’s a fireman?
He nods his head, his feet dragging against the sand below his feet as he swings gently.
“When she got pregnant, I was terrified.” We were still in high school, so that makes sense.
But I remain silent. “She wasn’t.” He looks in awe of her, shaking his head, and I can feel the love he had for her.
“She wasn’t at all. I have no idea to this day how she wasn’t scared out of her mind. ”
I smile and swing next to him but don’t interrupt. It’s his time to talk. Especially after I so callously assumed so much about him.
“She suggested we get married. She wanted a real family for Elijah—not like what either of us had growing up.” He holds onto the handles of the swing and looks up at the sky.
I can tell this is painful for him, and as much as I want to tell him he doesn’t have to talk, I want to hear it all.
I want to let him get this burden off his chest. I’m not really sure why that is.
It feels like we’ve gone a complete circle from only last week—I almost have whiplash from it—but I like where we wound up.
“My family was bad—well, my parents were, but I had Tori and Bowen. Megan—she didn’t have anyone.
Her dad was an abusive son of a bitch, and her mom may as well not have even existed, she was so beat down. ”
I swallow hard at that—nothing pisses me off more than child abuse. Nothing. I grit my teeth. “I never knew,” I say dumbly.
He doesn’t look angry at me though, his head resting on one of the swing’s handles as he looks over at me. “She hid it well. I didn’t even know for a while until I saw a bruise on her side. She tried to lie about it, but I knew. I wanted to kill the fucker.”
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat because I can understand that feeling for sure.
“She wouldn’t let me confront him. She was too afraid he’d kill me, so she snuck out a lot and slept at my place.
” I actually smile at that, thinking about her having a safe place to go.
Everyone should. “But when she got pregnant, she knew he’d lose it completely.
So she stayed at my house and didn’t go back.
We got married right after we graduated, and we ran to Kansas City. ”
That part I knew about, so I just nod along.
“We both got shitty jobs at a warehouse, and we had enough money for a tiny studio apartment in this rundown building downtown. We told each other it was just for a little while until we could save up enough for a better place and then a house. We had all these dreams.”
I notice his eyes are glistening, and I want to reach out to touch him—offer him some sort of comfort—but I catch myself. Just because he wants to be friends doesn’t mean he would be cool with me touching him. I have to remember that.
“But it was hard. She was really sick when she was pregnant—couldn’t keep anything down. Always weak and throwing up. She was so tired. I felt awful, and I didn’t want her to have to work. But even with how shitty our place was, we needed two incomes to keep it and buy everything for Elijah.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that must have been, Kade. You two were so young.”
I think back to what I was doing at the same time.
I’d just moved into the dorms and was going to class.
I had a scholarship that paid for school and board, so I didn’t have to work, thankfully.
I felt overwhelmed just by that. Having a full-time job, a wife, and a kid on the way at eighteen? I can’t imagine that.
“We were,” he says, his voice cracking slightly.
“She was fired when she was around eight-months pregnant. She cried for days. I took on a part-time job and told her not to worry about it. I tried everything to make her understand I wasn’t mad at her—and I wasn’t.
” His eyes lock on mine, and I see the despair there.
“I swear I wasn’t. I was just tired and a grumpy asshole. ”
“I’m sure she understood,” I try.
He doesn’t look so sure. “Things were never the same. She had Elijah, but he was fussy a lot. I mean, he was a baby.” He tries to make it sound like he’s not complaining, I think, and I just smile at him.
“Babies cry.”
He gives me a sad nod. “They do. And Megan... She just... It was like she wasn’t there anymore.”
“What do you mean?” I ask carefully.
He starts to drag his feet a little more, swinging and looking away from me. “She was like a shell. She didn’t want to look at Elijah or hold him. I finally made her go to the doctor, drug her there myself.”
“Postpartum depression?” I guess softly.
He nods. “They gave her some pills to help. She was so mad at me for bringing her there, but I felt like...” He stops swinging, and I once again hate myself for bringing this up at all. He looks over at me, his voice so low, I barely hear him. “I felt like I broke her.”
“Oh, Kade,” I breathe.
He stands up and sniffs. I notice him wiping at his eyes, and I try to look away so he won’t be embarrassed—even though he has nothing to be embarrassed about.
He clears his throat, and I hop off my swing, walking toward him.
“It was like she hated me after that. We were strangers. I took on more and more extra shifts, telling myself it would get better.”
“But it didn’t . . .” I say sadly.
“No.” He sniffs and then looks right at me, his eyes full of regret.
“When Elijah was two, I was at work—where I always was. It was like any other night. I kissed him and put him to bed, kissed Megan on the top of her head, and left for work. But then, four hours into my shift, I got a call from the KCPD.”
I close my eyes briefly, knowing what that call was. “Kade...”
“They told me they had Elijah in their custody, but my wife was dead.”
I try to cover the gasp that falls from my mouth but don’t manage it. “What happened?”
He said it was a fire, but wouldn’t that mean Elijah was in the same fire?
I’ve never seen any indication that he was a victim of fire, but I suppose it doesn’t always leave a physical mark.
“Our next-door neighbor was this crotchety old man, who really hated us at first and hated us more when we had a crying baby—but after a bit, he started to come around a little. He really loved Elijah, and his hard exterior started to crumble.” I smile when Kade does, remembering his neighbor.
“He was a retired fireman. And when I got to our apartment, the smoke was so damn thick, and there were still several fire engines there as well as police cars. It was chaos, but Joe found me first. He told me what happened.”
I try my best not to react—to stay strong so Kade can get through his retelling of what had to have been the worst night of his life.
“He said he was asleep, but he heard the alarm going off. He ran right to our place first, said the door wasn’t locked.” I listen intently. “He found Elijah, crying alone in his crib but unharmed. He looked everywhere for Megan but didn’t see her. So he got Elijah out of the building.”
“Thank God he was there.”
Kade’s jaw is tight with tension, all the veins in his neck pulled tight, and he looks angry. “Yeah, because Megan wasn’t.”
I don’t understand, but I keep my mouth shut.
“Apparently, she was two floors up. She left Elijah in our apartment with the goddamn door unlocked. I don’t know if it was the first time—but I doubt it.
” The fear he must have felt is clear on his face now, and I can’t blame him.
It’s hard for me to blame her too though, not really knowing the extent of her mind’s hell at the time.
“A fire broke out in the apartment next to the one she was in with a few people from the building—getting high. She passed out, apparently.”
“I’m so sorry, Kade,” I say and put my hand on his shoulder, unsure what else to say. I don’t think there’s anything I can say.
“I don’t want to hate her.” But that doesn’t mean part of him doesn’t. He doesn’t have to say it out loud though, and part of me is grateful he doesn’t. I don’t want him to carry that around with him.
“Addiction is tricky.”
“She never touched that shit before. She was adamant that she wouldn’t turn into her parents. That she would be so good for Elijah. I believed her, and then...” He stops himself and shakes his head.
“Depression is even trickier, Kade.” I squeeze his shoulder.
“I didn’t know her well, but she was one of the few people who was nice to me in high school.
” He looks at me like he’s caught off guard by that, and I smile, thinking about the pretty blonde with kind eyes—eyes that match Elijah’s.
“She was a good person who made a bad mistake, but I don’t think she wanted anything bad to happen to your son. ”
He looks stricken by that, and for a brief moment, I think he’s going to fall into my arms. And I would have welcomed him, but he doesn’t. He does reward me with that beautiful smile of his. “She loved him.”
I nod. “I know she did. I’m sorry you both lost her before she could find her way again.”
He studies me for a long moment and then nods quickly. “We should probably get you home. Might turn into a pumpkin.”
I snort but don’t fight him on it as we walk out of the park and toward my house again. “Really? A Cinderella reference?”
“I have a kid,” he says, and I laugh at that, matching his pace but also not wanting to be at my house just yet. I don’t want tonight to end.
But of course, we do make it to my house, where we both just stand kind of awkwardly at my front door. “Do you want to come in?” I blurt out and then freak the hell out because what was I thinking?
He also looks freaked-out, so that’s just great.
But he doesn’t run away. He looks almost disappointed as he pulls out his phone to check the time, I think. “I would, but it’s not fair to leave Bowen on kid duty all night.”
I try not to think about all the things we could do with a whole night—and then kick myself because I know he didn’t mean that when he said all night . My brain doesn’t seem to care about that at all though.
Kade is hot, and I’m a gay man—so sue me.
“Sorry I dumped all that on you though. Probably not the type of hangout you were thinking of when you agreed to it.”
Again, my brain starts to drift to all the things we could do all alone, hanging out in my house—but I finally gain control of my errant thoughts. “I liked it. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to talk about Megan.”
His expression sobers slightly. “It is, but you’re pretty easy to talk to when you don’t hate my guts.”
I snort. “I didn’t hate you.” He cocks his head to the side and lifts his right brow. “Fine,” I relent. “I may have hated you a tiny bit, but I don’t now.” Not even a little bit. I’m starting to like him way, way too much.
Which should send me running—screaming.
But he smiles at me, making my insides flutter and go all hot, before he says, “So next weekend?”
My stupid head is nodding long before my brain can kick in and say Oh hell no, we can’t do that . “Yes.”
Everything inside me is screaming to lean into him, to brush my mouth over his and taste him for the first time—to embrace the fantasy. But thankfully, I come to my senses and take a step back away from him before I actually do that.
Friends.
We’re friends.
Kade is straight.
I guess I’m just going to have to repeat that over and over to myself until my brain finally gets that.