Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I don’t know what’s happening to me. All I know is I don’t talk about myself—ever. I never have. I didn’t even with Megan—though she was the closest to knowing me the best.
But somehow, I just wound up spilling my guts to Spencer. I didn’t mean to do it. I hadn’t planned to. I thought I’d only tell him that she died in a fire—but then I opened my mouth, and everything just poured out.
Tori doesn’t even know the truth—that Megan left our son alone that night. She asked a lot of questions about how Megan died, but Elijah made it. And all I could manage to tell her through my grief and guilt was that Joe saved Elijah but couldn’t make it to Megan.
I know my sister had a lot of questions, but I was too angry and numb to answer them—and maybe part of me wanted to protect Megan. I knew how mad I was at her, and I didn’t want everyone else to be too, but somehow, I think I knew Spencer wouldn’t judge her.
He’s not like that. He has this uncanny ability to see things from every angle, and it’s something I admire. The world was so cruel to him—I’m sure we haven’t even scratched the surface of that—but he’s still so kind.
I can’t help smiling to myself as I think about him when I climb out of the bunk at the firehouse and make my way downstairs. Bowen dropped Elijah off at school today, but it’s my turn to pick him up this afternoon, and I can’t wait.
Not only because I haven’t seen my son for twenty-four hours, but yeah... I’m looking forward to seeing his teacher too. I don’t know what to make of it really. I know I stared at him a lot in school, that I was enamored with him, but I didn’t think about it being attraction then...
Now?
I’m not so sure it’s not. I’m not going to lie, I’ve noticed attractive guys before—not necessarily wanting to fuck them or even kiss them—but I’ve noticed them. Spencer—God, Spencer—I can’t stop thinking about kissing him.
It’s set my whole world on its axis. I don’t know what it means or what I should do about it. Should I do anything about it? I’m totally out of my element. Who turns twenty-five and then all of a sudden becomes interested in the same sex? That’s not a thing.
I don’t think.
Honestly, thinking about it kind of makes my head hurt. And my stomach. And while, after spending time with Spencer and talking a little bit about his sexuality and his date—which I still hate thinking about, for reasons I don’t want to go into—I know he’s gay. Never been interested in women.
So what the fuck is happening with me? And would he be the one to talk to about it? I don’t know. That would probably be weird.
I head into Bowen’s house, waiting until I can go pick up my son, and am surprised when I see Bowen is awake and on the couch, eating cereal at two in the afternoon.
I laugh and sit down next to him. “Lunch?”
He shakes his head. “Breakfast. Just woke up, so it counts.”
I chuckle, but my brain is still reeling, trying like hell to come to terms with the feelings swirling around inside my head. I wanted to kiss him. I know I wanted to. I can’t deny it. After talking to him about Megan and the way he just listened to me with no judgment—I wanted him.
“You okay?”
“What?” I look over at Bowen, who’s watching me with concern... and amusement, I think.
“You look constipated.”
I punch him in the arm, nearly making him spill his cereal, but he has quick reflexes and recovers. “Dick,” I laugh. “I’m fine.”
“You sure?” He finishes his cereal, drinking the milk from the bowl and then taking it into the kitchen before joining me on the couch. “You can talk to me, you know? I’m no Tori, but I am your big brother.”
He actually looks serious, and I honestly think about it for a minute. “Have you ever known someone who was gay?” Great start, Kade. What. The. Fuck?
His brows pinch together in question, but then he seems to think about it for a moment. “I think Krisley is. Well I mean, I caught him with a guy in the bunk once, but we didn’t talk about it. The way the dude was moaning though, pretty sure they were having a good time.”
Dean Krisley is a gruff as shit firefighter who usually works the opposite shift from me—something I’m grateful for because the guy is an asshole. “Krisley? Really?”
He shrugs, his bottom lip poked out, and I know he doesn’t seem to care.
Not that he should, but let’s face it—we live in a small town and work in a really masculine, testosterone-filled place.
There’s one woman firefighter that I know of, and that woman is a saint, working with all the dipshits she does.
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be gay and a firefighter here. Though maybe Krisley isn’t gay...
Shit. I’m a mess.
“Why are you asking me that? Because of Spencer?”
“What?” My eyes snap to my brother. Did he figure out my attraction to Spencer? Does he know? I feel hot all over, like I’m sweating. This is just fucking fantastic. “No. Not because of Spencer. Why would you ask that?”
He cocks his head to the side, and now, he just looks freaked-out. Yeah, I really need to keep my cool. “Okay, what the fuck is going on? You’re freaking me out.”
I nod because yeah... that tracks. I’m acting like a crazy person. But also, I don’t think I can out Spencer. Even though he said he’s out and proud. Fuck me, I don’t know the rules.
“Is it because Spencer is gay?”
“How do you know that?” I ask, my jaw nearly dropping. Did Spencer tell him that? Or does he see right through me and know I’m freaking out about Spencer?
He shrugs. “My gaydar is pretty good.” He shrugs, and okay, so he wasn’t talking about me and Spencer. “But does that really bother you? Because I know Garnett can be shitty with that kind of stuff, but I didn’t think my brother was.”
“What?” I ask, my eyes widening. “No. I don’t care about that. Why would I care—” I shut my mouth but stare at him angrily. “I’m not an asshole. I’m fine with Spencer being gay. Not that anyone needs to be fine with anyone else’s sexuality. It’s their business.”
Shut. Up. Kade. Wow. What is wrong with me?
Pretty sure that’s what my brother is thinking right now too as he watches me. “Uh... okay. Do you need to talk about something? Because you can.”
Shit. He’s giving me the in . But when I open my mouth to tell him what’s been going on in my head, I chicken out and stand up. “No. Nothing. I have to go.”
“You still have a good thirty minutes before you need to be at the school.”
“Don’t want to be late,” I say lamely, heading for the door and escaping as quickly as I can because apparently, I’m a total coward. Bowen wouldn’t care. He made that pretty clear, and yet, I still couldn’t get the words out.
I am way too early when I reach the school, but I sit there, trying to listen to the music on the radio—turning the volume up to drown out all the thoughts—but in the end, my mind wins out.
When I see Spencer at pickup, his smile infectious, the thoughts only get louder and louder. It’s homecoming tonight, and everyone is wearing their black and red bulldogs gear, including Spencer. “You going to the game tonight?” I ask, trying to keep it casual.
We haven’t talked since Saturday, and while we made plans for this weekend, I kind of forgot to say a day and time, and I definitely forgot about homecoming.
“No. I had different plans for tonight,” he says with a silent smirk that speaks volumes and makes my heart kick up in speed.
“Is that so?”
“It is.” He looks down at Elijah, who’s watching us. “What about you two? Big plans tonight?”
“Nope,” I say quickly, but I hope that I’m sending the silent message that I will see him later. Nothing could keep me away. “Bowen has to work, but my Aunt Kiersten and Elijah are going to have a sleepover.”
“Really?” Spencer says, looking surprised, and then I go over the words in my head. Did I just imply that I’m free all night? As in I want to have a sleepover too? I mean, I am free tonight, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be spending the night with Spencer...
Wow. I really do need to get a grip.
My eyes widen in his direction, and I think he’s trying not to laugh at me. “Well.” He looks down at Elijah. “It sounds like your dad might actually get to sleep in on a weekend then, right? Since you’ll be at your aunt’s tonight?”
Elijah giggles. “Doubt it. He sleeps weird.”
“I do not.” I do . Firefighters’ body clocks are on a whole different level, and I never really know when I’m going to wake up and my body will just be ready to be awake for hours.
Elijah laughs again—and I do love that sound. I find myself smiling at him, but when I glance at Spencer—I see the same smile as he watches my son and the joy there.
It takes a lot of effort to pull my eyes off Spencer before clearing my throat and awkwardly saying goodbye. Hopefully, with a hint of the promise that I’ll see him later.
I spend a couple of hours with Elijah before I drive him over to my aunt’s house.
She has lots of things planned for them, since her own kids are grown and gone.
She’s pretty excited. The woman is not subtle at all about hoping for grandchildren soon.
Movies, junk food, and games. She lists all the things she has planned for my kid tonight, and he’s brimming with excitement.
“I’m going to have him so sugared up when I bring him home for you tomorrow.” She kisses my cheek while hugging me.
“Oh, thanks so much, Aunt Kiersten.”
She laughs happily, and I kneel down to give Elijah a hug.
“You can call me anytime, okay? If you want to come home.” It’s still really hard for me to leave him—has been since that fateful night we lost his mom.
Leaving him with Tori was easy. When she moved, leaving him with Angelica was so damn hard, I nearly left work a few times just to go and check on him when she didn’t answer my texts quickly enough—in my opinion. But I made it through.
“I know, Dad,” he says, already dismissing me, and I know he’s ready for this. He’s going to have fun. And honestly, as little as I trust my own mother, my aunt is someone I know I can trust with my son. She reminds me a lot of Tori, and I feel at ease—as much as I can.
She’ll protect him.
“We’ll be fine,” she says when I hug the hell out of Elijah and stand up again. She gives me a kind smile and then hugs me too. “Go have some fun. Or sleep. Lord knows parents can always use extra sleep.”
Sleep is the very last thing on my mind, but I manage to get out of there without saying it. I go home and take a quick shower, overthinking my outfit several times—which is so not like me.
I guess nothing is like the me I know these days. When I drive to the bar at the downtown square, I immediately see a lot of cars parked outside. My body runs hot and then cold, thinking about it being homecoming weekend.
The likelihood of knowing someone in there—someone from school and my childhood—is pretty great. Hell, running into my own mother is actually really, really probable. Homecoming is a celebration around here—a big party for current and former students—which has my mother written all over it.
Before I can overthink it too much, I do something totally stupid and reckless, hoping it pans out the way I want to and that I don’t wind up making things even more awkward with Spencer.
I drive to his house and hope like hell he hasn’t left yet.