Chapter 33 Reed
reed
My heart was pounding out of my chest, and I felt like I was going to be sick. This was not going to be a fun conversation, and I’ve never been so nervous in my life. I could feel my body tightening like a bowstring, like a cocked gun ready to fire. But I needed to take care of Lina first.
I wet a washcloth and cleaned her up in the bathroom.
I dropped tentative, healing kisses to her wrists and ankles before rubbing lotion into the slight rope burns that were left behind.
Her eyes were heavy with fatigue, her body soft and pliable.
She didn’t resist me when I took her dress off, replacing it with one of my T-shirts, then scooping her up and taking her to sit on the couch with me.
“Do you want something to drink?” I asked her, needing to break our silence. It was unnerving for her to be so quiet, and it put me on a different kind of edge than earlier.
“Water, please.” She stretched out, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch to wrap around her.
“Don’t fall asleep,” I warned her, heading to the kitchen.
“You won’t get off that easily, cowboy,” she fired back.
There she was. It brought a small smile to my lips and broke some of the tension.
I poured us both some water and returned. Her eyes were closed, but they fluttered back open when I sat down. She sat up when I handed her the water glass. We both took sips, setting the glasses on the coffee table.
I inhaled deeply, releasing my breath slowly. It was not very often that I shared this with people. The last person was Chuck. I had to tell him before he agreed to hire me. He was understanding and empathetic. I could only hope his daughter would be the same.
“There are things about my past that I’m not proud of. Things that are still a part of me, that will always be a part of me.”
“Okay …” She was staring at me intently, her brows pinched, her mouth set firm. I wanted to make this easy for her, not for me.
I took her hand from her lap, letting me feel her strong yet delicate bones. Hands that were comforting yet used to working hard and taking control. I lifted it, pressing my lips to her palm, before setting it back in her lap.
“Because of this, there are some things that make having a relationship with me complicated. Things that you may need to consider before you decide to be with me. Things I should have told you before we ever invested our feelings, and I’m sorry I made that mistake.”
“You’re scaring me, Reed.” Her mouth turned down.
I glanced up at the ceiling for a moment, gathering my emotions, before returning my gaze to her. “I should have just let you keep hating me. Things would’ve been so much easier that way.”
“Are you going to break my heart?” Her voice cracked.
A lump formed in my throat. “That would be the last thing I’d ever want to do.”
“Just tell me.”
I swallowed hard, but the lump wouldn’t budge. I’d have to just talk through the emotions and hope my voice didn’t break with my heart.
Taking another steadying breath, I tried again.
“I don’t just avoid alcohol anymore. I’m also a recovering addict, Lina.
Elise and I met because we both partied with the same people and we had the same fix.
Pills. Painkillers, mostly. Sometimes something harder.
It got risky, at times, and we had some dangerous friends.
Well, they weren’t really friends but people who wanted to get high, too, or were dealers. ”
Lina was silent, her brow smoothed out now. She didn’t look tired anymore, but alert and listening. It looked like wheels were spinning behind her eyes.
“When Elise found out she was pregnant with Penn, we were both still using, but trying to quit. We were over at our dealer’s place, and someone who was looking to collect their debt pushed their way in, holding all of us at gunpoint until he gave him the money.
That was my moment of clarity. Sitting there, knowing our baby was in her belly, and having a gun in our faces.
I couldn’t jeopardize Elise or our baby. They were both too precious to me.
“I thought that was enough of a wake-up call for Elise, too, but she had her own shit. That was the day I vowed to get clean. Then, when I finally held Penelope in my arms, I’d never seen a more perfect little girl.
She was my everything. I wanted to give her the things I never had, and that meant staying clean.
From that day forward, I haven’t touched a single pill.
Not even over the counter pain medicine.
I can’t. It would be too much of a risk for me. ”
Lina nodded slowly, taking it all in.
“My addiction will always be a part of me, Lina. I have to find other ways to cope, to relieve pain. Or I just deal with it. Whoever is going to be my partner is also going to have to be in this with me. I may have weak moments where I consider giving in, but I haven’t for five years, and I don’t plan on starting now.
“But being with an addict isn’t an easy thing.
I would know, having stayed with Elise for almost three years after Penn was born.
I thought I could help her, but there were complications and she needed surgery, so the pills were available to her again.
Her depression and anxiety were so bad after Penn was born.
It was a breaking point for her. I tried so hard to help her. ” My voice hardened with the memories.
“The fights we would get into almost always ended with her throwing things and crying, shutting us both out, so Penn and I had to sleep together on the couch. I wanted to help her because I loved our family, and I wanted to give Penn the love and family I never had. But then she cheated on me and left me for the man who could feed her addiction. I thought I could fight for us and have enough determination for it to work for the two of us, but then it came down to Penn’s safety and happiness.
I wasn’t going to put her through that anymore. ”
“I’m so sorry you went through all that,” Lina said. I believed she genuinely meant that, but she seemed distant, like she was pulling away, and I hated it. An ache shot through my chest, and I rubbed it, hoping it would ease.
“Thank you. I will always put Penn first, no matter what. It will be a battle with her mom to get full custody, but I think I can win it. She’s not fit, but I will not completely put her out of our lives. She’s Penn’s mother, after all.”
Lina nodded again, looking down at her hands as they twisted in her lap. I hated this quiet version of her.
“When she called today, she was freaking out. She and a friend were hanging out, and her friend had a bad reaction. She couldn’t get ahold of Junior, so she called me. I still feel obligated to her since she’s Penn’s mom, but I also feel some guilt that I couldn’t help her when she needed it most.”
“So you’ll always go to her when she needs help?” Lina asked, her voice now with an edge to it. She wasn’t looking at me, though.
I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have gone over there.
I shouldn’t have helped her. She didn’t want me to take her friend to the hospital because she was scared it would look bad for her case, which it does.
But I did it anyway. That’s what took so long.
I drove her friend to the ER, dropped her off, then made a call to my lawyer.
I’m documenting everything in hopes it will strengthen my case so I can get full custody of Penn.
“Penn comes first, Lina, and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep her safe.
” I took her hands in mine again. “And I promise you, I will not be going over to help her again, at least not until she’s clean.
I told her as much. But she will be in our lives, and I need you to understand that, for Penn’s sake. ”
Lina glanced up at me then, tears brimming her eyes. “I understand,” she said, but her words were flat.
“I can understand if this is too much for you. It’s your choice, Lina.
I told you I don’t need to figure anything out with us.
I want you. I love you. I want you in Penn’s life.
But I can’t do this … not unless it’s for the long haul.
I can’t put Penn through that. I can’t put myself through that.
You have to want this just as much as me and accept all that comes with it.
I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. You have to decide if this is what you want. ”
She nodded, biting her lip, looking away, her face so near to crumbling.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I should have told you sooner. It hurts me knowing that I hurt you. I would be devastated if you told me right now you can’t do this, but I would understand.”
“It’s a lot,” she mumbled, a tear now slipping down her cheek.
“Shit, baby.” I wiped the tear away. “I know it is.”
“I think I need to go home.” Her words were choked with emotion.
I could feel my heart being wrenched from my chest. “Are you sure? It’s late. You can stay here tonight.”
She shook her head. “No,” she replied as she stood, gathering her dress and boots in between wiping tears from her face. “I need some time to think. I need space.”
I sucked in a breath, nodding.
Lina averted her eyes as I stood and followed her to the door. She stuffed her feet back into her boots. Her dress was slung over her arm. I wanted to pull her into my embrace, bury my nose into her hair, especially if this was going to be the last time, but I gave her what she asked for—space.
“Good night,” she said, pushing up on her tiptoes to press her lips to my cheek.
I opened the door for her, watching her walk away in my T-shirt, wanting nothing more than to drag her back and make her stay. But sometimes when you love someone so much, you have to let them go.