Chapter 34
lina
Isat on the steps of the back deck watching the sunset the next day, staring out over the brown grasses and pine trees.
It was so hot and dry, and I worried if we had enough for the cattle to graze.
Dad, Jude, Reed, and the other ranch hands had spent the day moving the herd, hauling stock tanks, and repositioning the lateral sprinklers to irrigate the pastures and hayfields.
Unfortunately, because of the drought, they could only be run early each morning.
I spent the day leading a trail ride, mucking stalls, and bathing the horses.
It kept my hands busy, but now that it was quiet, I couldn’t help but dwell on everything Reed told me.
I really didn’t care if he was a recovering addict.
That didn’t bother me in the least. I felt that was something I could handle, and if he needed me to be strong for us both in times of weakness, I would do that in a heartbeat.
It was the shit with Penn’s mom that I wasn’t sure I could deal with.
Penn came first, as she absolutely should, but was I ready to make all my decisions solely based on the needs of his daughter just like he had to?
Could I do that? Did it mean that he wanted us to get married?
To be a family to create stability for her?
Watching Jude and Romy get married yesterday, seeing them with their little family and being so in love, made me realize I did want that … eventually.
But could I do that with Reed? If it came down to choosing Reed and everything that came along with him or losing him forever, could I make that choice? Shouldn’t this be an easy decision?
We were supposed to be heading back out on the road in a couple days up to Washington for the Lakeview Round-Up next weekend.
I wasn’t sure yet if I was ready to return to the close proximity of the fifth wheel with Reed.
I wouldn’t be able to think straight around him, and this was something I had to have a clear head for.
I didn’t just need to make the right decision for myself, but also for a little girl and her dad, too.
Was I the right decision for them? Could I be a parent to Penn? Could they be my family? I never saw myself as marriage material, but maybe I was … for the right person … for Reed.
The screen door behind me creaked on its hinges. I turned to see Hazel walking out of the big house, barefoot, her monitor on her ankle, in shorts and her Willows Rodeo tee. She had two ice-cold drinks in her hands with lemon wedges.
“What do you have there?” I asked, forcing a smile for her.
“Thought you might need one of my famous lemonades,” she announced, taking a seat beside me on the step and handing me a glass.
The glass was chilled. I took a sip, nearly spitting it out, when I discovered there was almost half a glass of Crown Royal Apple Whisky in there. “Holy shit! I don’t remember them being so strong.”
She gave me a wink. “You looked as though you needed a double pour tonight.”
I groaned, rolling the glass against my forehead, letting the condensation cool my heated skin. “Thanks.”
Hazel took a sip of her own, puckering and humming with appreciation. “I make a damn good drink.”
“A dangerous drink,” I corrected her. “They’re so good, you’ll have to roll me into bed tonight.”
“Not going to stay over at Reed’s again?” Her brows raised in question. “I noticed you snuck back in late last night.”
“You did? I’m sorry. I tried not to wake anyone.”
She shrugged. “I was heading to the bathroom and noticed your light was on.”
“Yeah …” I trailed off, taking another drink to keep the words from spilling out.
“Did he explain why he had to leave the wedding?” she asked.
I sucked in a deep breath before exhaling. “He did.”
“Anything you want to share?”
“It’s complicated. Something I need to process on my own.”
Hazel nodded but didn’t press further. We both took a drink before she said, “I have to say, you two look good together. I think your dad is happy that you’re happy and that you found a man who will take good care of you. Whatever it is he told you, Reed does seem like he’s good people.”
“He is good people.” I sighed. “I don’t know. My dad would be lonely if I left him alone in the big house all by himself.”
Hazel shrugged, taking another sip of her drink before setting it down on the deck beside her.
She leaned back on her hands, crossed her legs, and stared out across the ranch.
“I think your dad would be just fine. He just wants to see the people he loves happy. And if Reed is what makes you happy, I think you should go for it.”
I cleared my throat and took a big gulp, letting the liquor hit. I’d already cried enough tears into my pillow last night. I didn’t need to cry any more.
“What makes you happy?” I asked her, hoping to steer the conversation away from Reed.
She sat there quietly for a moment, her head tipped to the side as she peered out into the distance, thinking. After a moment she said, “It’s taken me some time to find it again, but … taking care of the people I care about, my horse, and chocolate. I love chocolate.”
I giggled at that, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her in close.
I laid my head on her shoulder. It felt so familiar.
I’d done this exact thing with her too many times growing up.
She almost always found me in a similar mood, as if she had a radar for this shit.
She knew I needed someone to take care of me, and here she was, plying me with her very strong lemonade to ease the pain.
“I can get down with some chocolate,” I told her in agreement.
“What makes you happy?” she shot back.
“Of course you have to fucking turn my own question on me.” I rolled my eyes at her.
She laughed, her teeth flashing and her eyes sparkling. She looked like the Hazel I remembered. The Hazel who was our rodeo queen. Even though I knew she wasn’t that person anymore. Not after all the shit she went through—and was still going through.
I breathed in a big, steadying breath. “Barrel racing and riding fast with Mushu. But you know what? I think what makes me truly happy is just being with my people. Being with them at home on the ranch, around a bonfire, at a rodeo, or a bar. Wherever. I just want to be with my people where I’m understood and loved.
When I don’t have to mask or try hard, and I get to be me—Lina—not just a girl trying to win a buckle or fight to be loved. ”
It was true. Every time I was with those I loved, I was happy. Reed and Penn made me happy. They had become my people. I’d do anything for them. I’d do anything to protect that happiness.
Hazel nodded in acknowledgment. We sat in companionable silence for a while, sipping our lemonades, letting the alcohol dull the aches and taking in the sunset over the bluffs that led down to the river.
She released a heavy sigh beside me. “And this place. This makes me happy.”
I mirrored her sigh. “I couldn’t agree more. It’s my peace.”
After a beat she said, almost distantly, “You know, I haven’t been able to go near the bunkhouse. The stables are as close as I can get. I can’t even look that way when I walk by.”
“I get that. I don’t think I’d be able to, either.”
“Do you think it will eventually get easier?”
I rubbed her shoulder. “Time. At least that’s what I’ve heard. Time heals all wounds. We just need to give ourselves the space to do it.”
Now she was the one to put her head on my shoulder. “I’m going to miss you, Lina.”
“I’m going to miss you too, Haz.”
“Fuck,” Hazel said with a watery laugh, sitting straight.
We both looked at each other with tears in our eyes. “We’re quite the pair tonight, aren’t we?” I laughed through my tears.
“Do you want another one?” She shot to her feet, straightening her shorts and picking up our drinks.
“Are you trying to take advantage of me, Miss Miller?” I teased.
“Maybe. You know I love you Larsens,” she teased back, winking. “I won’t make the next one as strong.”
I watched her walk back into the house. Seeing her here seemed like the most natural thing in the world. I wished she didn’t have to go. I wished she would’ve had an even lighter sentence. This was going to change her in ways I couldn’t even fathom. Why did life have to be so shitty sometimes?
I couldn’t do this. There was no way in hell. I was bent over, my hands resting on my knees while I tried to catch my breath.
How was I going to get through a whole rodeo weekend with Reed as my shadow?
He did exactly as I had asked, giving me time and space. But now that we were back on the circuit, and he was my babysitter or bodyguard or whatever the fuck he was again, I felt like I couldn’t fucking breathe.
I could feel him stopping with Mushu on the lead behind me. I was supposed to race today. How the hell was I supposed to race when I felt like shit?
“Are you okay, Lina?” he asked.
Just hearing his concerned voice made me want to curl up in the fetal position and cry my fucking eyes out.
I sucked a breath through my nose, blowing out a gust of air before straightening.
“Fine,” I told him, squaring my shoulders and resuming my walk to the gate.
It didn’t help that I was bottom of the fucking draw today. I hated being bottom of the draw, and Paige looked rather pleased about it as she peered back at me from her position on her horse, currently in the hole.
“Bitch,” I cursed under my breath.
Ready to mount, I put my foot in the stirrup and swung up into the saddle, taking the reins, Reed still holding the lead. Mushu was already antsy to run. I could always feel his energy shift the closer we got to the ring.
“Be thinking,” the rodeo staff shouted at me.
My chest felt so fucking tight, making it difficult to take deep breaths.
Mushu’s ears flicked to the side. I gave him a pat, hoping that would assure him I was okay.
I watched as rider after rider beat each other’s time.
It was getting late in the season, so it didn’t surprise me that regular circuit riders would all have close times.
Once again, Paige’s time would be the one I’d have to beat.
She was my biggest competition with her leading barrel racing horse.
“We’re going to have to drag ass around the barrels, buddy,” I told Mushu, giving him another pat once we were on deck.
Reed unclasped the lead as he helped hold Mushu steady.
His closeness as he checked to make sure the cinch was tight caused his forearm to brush against my leg and send electric shocks through me.
My body went rigid. I attempted to shake it off, refocusing on Mushu.
He was raring to go. I held high up on the reins, preparing myself.
“Up!”
It was my turn. Reed and I exchanged glances, his dark-brown eyes beneath his cowboy hat capturing mine one last time.
“Burn the breeze, sweetheart,” he said before letting go.