Chapter Thirty Seven
I stagger out the door, leaving a trail of shattered pieces of my heart behind with every step.
The night air hits my face, cold and harsh, but it’s nothing compared to the ache in my chest. I can’t blame anyone but myself.
I made my choice, and I’m sticking to it, but being determined doesn’t ease the pain.
All I wanted when I came to Waversea was a chance to be normal. To feel free. To breathe without the weight of my past pressing against my ribs. But being normal…sucks. It’s cruel and hollow and nothing like the dream I built in my head.
I never should’ve left my converted attic.
I should’ve stayed hidden away with my books, my music, my solitude.
Because now I have to go back knowing I destroyed the only two people who ever made me feel whole.
There won’t be anyone else like them. There can’t be, and my heart won’t forgive me long enough to find out.
Wiping the tears from my cheeks with too much force, smudging the remnants of my makeup, I finally step off the porch.
Some part of me was waiting for him to run after me, for Rhys to grab me, beg me to stay, tell me he’d change.
One more look in those desperate blue eyes, and I would have folded.
But he doesn’t come. He’s probably standing in that same spot, broken in ways he’ll never admit.
I meant what I said. He deserves better than half of me, even if it kills me to give him up.
Addy walks quietly beside me, slipping her hand into mine.
Her thumb strokes over my knuckles as we walk, forcing a silent show of strength I don’t feel.
Addy knows what this costs me, she was the one who’s spent all day trying to talk me out of it.
We’ve already cried and said our goodbyes.
Now, all that’s left is to walk away. I take one of the bags she’s carrying just to keep busy, to stop myself from turning back.
“You’re really not coming to the party?” she asks softly. I shake my head before she even finishes. The thought of seeing anyone right now, especially Phillip Waversea’s smug grin and Klara’s arrogant smile, makes my stomach twist. I’d either splinter or lash out, and I can’t afford to do either.
“I know I promised I would, but I’m not up to it.
” My voice wobbles despite my best effort to stay composed.
Addy nods and grips my hand harder. We round the tall building, the click of our heels echoing across the empty parking lot like a countdown.
My Audi waits beneath the lamplight, gleaming with the promise of escape like she always is.
Considering I didn’t sleep a wink last night, I probably shouldn’t get behind the wheel, but I’ll manage until I find a layby to nap in.
I look around like an idiot, hoping to see them running after me.
Hoping for some cinematic miracle, but of course, there’s nothing.
I asked too much of them, asked for a dream that couldn’t survive in the real world.
Even now, I keep imagining different endings, ones where we all find a way to make it work.
Where love didn’t feel like a wound that will never heal.
Reality has a way of burning through fantasies.
The keys bite into my palm as I press the button, the headlights blinking twice against the fall of night. Addy pops the trunk to fill with my bags, until her head snaps up suddenly. She hears the approaching footsteps before I do, but I gasp and spin, filled with futile hope.
“Where are you going?” Kenneth’s voice slices through the quiet.
Whether from the jerky movement or the crushing disappointment, my heels skid on the asphalt.
Kenneth catches me before I fall, his arms surprisingly steady.
I didn’t know he had the strength to set me back on my six-inch heels with the ease that he does.
Brewing coffee must be a good workout for the arms, and he has been putting in double shifts lately.
Beneath the streetlamp, Kenneth’s orange hair almost glows, his eyes full of shock and confusion.
He looks ridiculous in his oversized suit, sleeves hanging over his hands.
I’m surprised he was even planning on attending Rhys’ birthday gala.
He hates Rhys. The thought causes my chest to squeeze, because now, Rhys hates me just as much.
“I have to go,” I say quietly. Addy shuts the trunk with a thud of finality. Kenneth’s attention shifts to the car, realization creeping over his features.
“Go? Go where?” His eyes glaze over almost instantly, the panic in them reminding me of what a terrible human being I am.
“I can’t stay Kenneth. I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a shitty friend to you. We can message and write. Maybe one day you could come visit?” I offer because it seemed like the right thing to do, even if I would conveniently lose my receivers that week.
The devastation in Kenneth’s face resonates with everything I’m feeling internally.
The thought of facing Aunt Marg’s cats and smug indifference is a punishment I deserve, not that I plan on staying for long.
I have inheritance left over from my parents, a nest egg that will place me in a small apartment by the sea.
Just me and the sound of the waves, pretending I’m okay while slowly rotting from the inside out.
I was made to survive, not to be happy, and that’s exactly what I’ll do.
I’ll keep going, even when it kills me to do so.
“Wait, wait, hold on,” Kenneth fumbles for reason. “If this has something to do with Clay—”
“No. It’s me that’s the problem. I’ve messed up and led him on. It’s not fair for me to stay. It’ll only cause more grief.”
Addy rounds my side, her hand settling on my arm.
There’s some kind of signal in her eyes that I don’t have the energy to decipher.
She bobs her brows in Kenneth’s direction, signaling it’s time he moved along, but I don’t rush him.
People don’t understand or like Kenneth, but I know what it’s like to be the outcast. Either way, Kenneth picks up on the not-so-subtle cue and hesitates.
“Okay, well if you’re sure I can’t convince you otherwise,” he mumbles, his focus on the floor.
Suddenly, as if he’s been electrocuted, Kenneth jolts and raises his hands so fast, I flinch.
“Wait! I made you something. I was going to give it to you when I next saw you. It’s at the dorm, it’ll just take five minutes. Please, let me grab it?”
I don’t know if it’s the apprehensive gleam flickering in his eyes or the fact I don’t have it in me to deny another man tonight, but I nod on a weak smile.
“Sure, I’ll wait. Just…don’t be long.” I murmur, anxious to get on the road.
The night air gnaws at my skin, biting through the thin fabric of my dress.
Kenneth nods quickly and takes off between the cars, his limbs flailing in that awkward, endearing way of his.
Watching him disappear gives me the first real smile I’ve managed in hours, though it doesn’t reach my eyes.
I will miss his strange mannerisms and continuous chatter, even if I barely listened to any of it.
When I turn back, Addy’s already holding out her arms for me.
The moment she folds me into her chest, I crumble.
Her honeycomb-sweet scent fills my lungs, grounding me just enough to stop me from falling apart completely.
I cling to her, fingers digging into the sequins of her dress, trying to draw strength from her warmth.
There’s nothing left to say that hasn’t already been said.
No words that will make this hurt any less.
I don’t know if I’m about to cry or vomit, so I pull back first, forcing a weak laugh as I rub her arms like it’s her that needs comfort.
“Go on,” I whisper. “Get to your date. Enjoy the party for both of us, yeah?” Addy rolls her eyes and reaches into her cleavage for her phone, frowning when she reads the screen. She tucks it away again and shakes her head, pink curls bouncing.
“It’s fine. I’ll wait until you’ve left,” she insists, as stubborn as ever.
“Don’t be stupid,” I reply with a small smirk, trying to lighten the mood.
“I’ll grab Kenneth’s gift and be gone before you can finish your drink.
I’m a big girl.” I give her a playful smack on the ass that earns me a scandalized yelp.
Her hands lift, forming the rock sign with her thumb extended, signing ‘I love you.’
My throat tightens as I return the sign, mouthing the words back. I watch her walk away, the soft light of the streetlamp swallowing her figure until it’s just me and the dark.
Exhaling shakily, I turn back to the car, starting at my own reflection.
Luckily, my face is covered by shadow, because I’m sure I’m not ready to see my puffy eyes and smudged make-up emulating that of a sad clown’s.
But my dress is visible, sparkling bright and accentuating my curves.
I hate it. Too tight, too formal, and too much a reminder of everything I’ve just lost.
Popping the trunk, I dig out a hoodie and sweatpants.
As beautiful as this gown is, I’m done pretending to be the girl who fits inside it.
Kicking off the heels, I slide into the fabric of my sweatpants tugging the dress up inch by inch so nothing is revealed.
Not that there’s anyone nearby anyway. Dragging the hoodie over my head in an awkward, arm-breaking motion, I sigh at the softness, finally able to breathe again.
The trunk slams shut, and I nearly scream as I spot Kenneth standing right behind me, silent as a ghost.
“Jesus, Kenneth!” I clutch my chest, my heart hammering.
“Wear a damn bell, will you?” The words come out harsher than intended, and guilt instantly follows.
Sheepishly, he ducks his head and curls his shoulders inward.
Swallowing passed the pulse rocketing in my throat, I place a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry. It’s just been a rough night. ”
When Kenneth looks up again, his grin is bright and boyish, all forgiveness and warmth.
My heart melts slightly, the thought that he’s too good for this world drifting through me.
That is, until he holds out a small, flattened keyring, oval-shaped, clear resin with a swirling pattern inside.
Dark brown blending into pale pink. I squint at it, tilting my head, trying to make sense of it.
“Kenneth…is that…my hair?”
“Of course not!” His voice jumps an octave as he steps back, eyes wide in shock.
I let out a shaky laugh of relief. Thank goodness for that.
“It’s the combined strands of a long-haired rat’s molting process,” he explains, chest puffing out.
“I weaved them together before bleaching and color matching them to you.”
I blink once, twice, holding his serious stare and chewing on my inner cheek. Yeah, that’s still creepy but the sincerity in his expression negates the cringe that tries to break through. Pushing the keyring into my pocket, I plaster a small smile onto my face.
“Thank you, but you really don’t need to give me gifts.
” I shift my weight foot to foot as this goodbye drags on longer than I planned.
I’m still working through the pain consuming my chest and need to put some distance between me and those I’m aching for.
Picking up on my mood, Kenneth makes a perfect ‘O’ with his mouth and steps aside so I can stride to my driver’s door.
“I just wanted to say,” Kenneth starts. I turn back, suppressing a sigh.
I really want to get out of here. “People don’t like me.
They think I’m weird. I am weird, but I can’t help it.
I’ve been alone for a long time, and I think that’s something you understand.
When we were hanging out before, I felt like I had a friend for a while. ”
I frown at myself, knowing I went back to ignoring him once Clay was back in the picture. As if I expected Clay to take on the mantle of socializing with Kenneth again so I could focus on other areas of my life. Fuck, I’m a terrible person because he’s right. I do know how it feels to be alone.
“Look I…” my words get stuck, tasting bitter on my tongue. I have so much to apologize for that I can’t even string together a sentence. “I don’t really like goodbyes Kenneth, so let’s just hug it out and then I’m going to go, okay?”
Kenneth nods enthusiastically, drawing a tiny laugh from me, his arms wide and a little unsure.
I step into him, curving my arms around his back.
His chest is firmer than expected, the powerful thump of his heartbeat beating against my cheek.
At least by coming for Waversea, I found friends like Addy and Kenneth and I can say that I tried.
I gave it my best shot, but the real world just isn’t made for people like me.