Chapter 27 #2
I cleared my throat loudly. “That was not in the cards, no.”
Her smile changed, more vulnerable now. “I think Jade’s avoiding me, which is fair. Can you pass along a message for me?”
“Yeah, of course. What do you want me to tell her?”
She grinned. “That I’m pissed off with her. Going behind my back to repair my friendships for me while she was already halfway out the door? Being all noble and stuff? What a jerk.”
“Ah.” I scratched my head. “Yeah, I’ll let her know. I’m sure she’ll be flattered to know what a jerk she is.”
“I’m so mixed up because I want her to be happy, and if this is what she wants, then I want her to go do it and be happy.
Want her to run across the world and never see me again if it makes her happy.
But… it pisses me off so much.” She groaned, dragging her hand over her face.
“But I’m sure it’s just as bad for you. You really like her, huh? ”
“Well…” I looked away. “It’s never been… serious. I mean, it can’t be.”
“She’s a good person. Probably too good. That’s why she pisses me off.” She stood up taller, grinning. “And for revenge, I’m going to tell you who her gay awakening was.”
“Oh. I guess it’s something she doesn’t want you to tell people about.”
“Absolutely not. It was Princess Peach from Super Mario when she was, like, five.”
I put my hands over my mouth. “That’s so cute.”
“I had to get her really drunk to admit to that,” she laughed, turning away. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair so Jade will come back. Good luck with Daniela. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you! We townsfolk gotta stick up for each other, after all.”
Right… I guess that was us. The people of Paxton Ridge. Daniela, Cat, and me. And not Jade.
Jesus, I needed to stop dwelling like that if I didn’t want to spiral.
Jade showed back up not long after Cat was gone, and we made small talk for a bit before, the event quieting down now, I lowered my voice to pass along Cat’s message, and she smiled sadly at the floor, and then up at the ceiling.
“What a jerk,” she said. “Trying to make me sentimental.”
“Ha. You two have a lot in common, talking like that.”
“I’ll need to send her something. A parting gift.” She put a hand to her forehead. “I need to get some fresh air… and we probably shouldn’t spend the entire event stuck together if we want to be subtle. I’ll be out in the car.”
“Oh—do you still want to… er…” I wavered, embarrassment prickling at my face, and she stopped, giving me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen.
“With you? Always.” She touched my arm, casual and tender, and she turned away. “See you whenever you’re ready, Alyssa.”
Jesus, I always lost it at the way she said my name. I laughed something small and nervous as she left, and I drifted through the rest of the event with my head full of fantasies, talking to the others while my mind was outside in Jade’s car. Back in Jade’s house, joining her for candle making.
And in the cold reminder every time I saw Daniela and visualized the promise I’d made Cat.
The thought of telling her—of admitting to everything—made me feel so small and so rotten inside that I wanted to curl up until I disappeared, and I think she could tell something was bothering me when I was talking to her, because she turned away from her group before long and gave me that look full of concern that I really wasn’t deserving of, but I assured her everything was fine and that I’d just had a little too much to drink.
And I told myself everything was fine, too, and I thought maybe I could gaslight myself into believing it, at least until I’d retreated to the bar for a drink and saw a shape sliding in next to me, and turned to see Drew there giving me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Hey, girl,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulders, which was the first sign he wasn’t happy, because Drew not going in for a full-fledged hug was the rough equivalent of somebody else telling you they hated you and never wanted to see your face again.
“How are things going for you and Daniela?”
“Oh—good.” I stood up straighter, pushing out a laugh. “Yeah, you know, just… the usual. Hoping to stop mooching off her house soon. I’ve been seeing some promise in the job search the past week, so I’m feeling optimistic.”
“Yeah? Back to Boston?”
I tensed, feeling cold. “Oh, um… I mean, we’ll see.”
He picked his drink up off the bar, tapping one finger impatiently against the glass even as he kept a smile my way. “Oh yeah? Where else are you looking?”
My throat tightened. The pointed tone in his voice was very… it made it clear what he wasn’t saying. “We’ll see,” I said again, feeling even weaker now than it had the first time. “I’m casting a wide net. I’ve actually been talking to Linda recently,” I laughed nervously.
He laughed. “You’re talking to Linda and to Cat? You’re like Switzerland over here.”
“I dunno. I’m friends with both of them. Charlie too.”
“Charlie?” He laughed, a pointed gleam in his features. “Yeah, she’s been talking about you.”
“Oh yeah?” I didn’t like that. He nodded, taking a big gulp of his drink and setting it down, holding the glass tighter.
“Most of us have always really supported Linda and Charlie, but I guess it’s not a surprise you’ve taken Jade’s side.”
“What… what do you mean?” My stomach sank, and he rolled his eyes dramatically.
“Charlie’s been so annoyed about it. But I guess their relationship isn’t for everyone.”
“I don’t have anything against—what do you mean?” I drew tighter into myself. “Has Charlie been upset with me?”
He waved me off, drinking from his glass again. “Don’t worry about it. You can’t please everyone. You’re fine. I didn’t realize you’d been talking to Linda too.”
Oh, Jesus, I was going to get Linda in trouble, too.
I hadn’t thought about the fact that Drew wouldn’t want me sticking around, and that if Linda was involved in me staying, I’d get her pulled in too.
After Daniela had made a point stepping away from things a bit to spend more time with Cat and Jade?
Daniela was giving me a place to stay, Linda was helping me find a new livelihood, and Jade had given me something that meant more than everything here, and I was ruining things for all of them.
“There’s nothing wrong with their relationship,” I said, protesting against all reason. He shrugged, a hand in his pocket.
“Well, forget that,” he said. “Where else are you looking at jobs?”
I couldn’t look him in the eye right now and tell him I was hoping to find something here. “I, um… I don’t know. Just all over.” It sounded so pathetic that I hated myself, and he nodded.
“Hard to find a job these days,” he agreed. “Well, comes down to who you know, doesn’t it? Just don’t piss anyone off.”
I laughed awkwardly, not sure what to say. Laughing was the wrong choice, because he pinched his lips together, looking at where he fussed with his glass.
“Could have been a good opportunity to pitch in here and work with us, but it’s been rough ever since Cat decided to screw us over.
” He snorted, rolling his eyes. “Had to cut half the Pride events because of her. But don’t tell her I said that.
Guess I shouldn’t be complaining about your best friend. ”
I wanted to say something for her sake—wanted to be a decent human being and take a stand and say Cat’s perfectly lovely, don’t talk down to her, but I was so scared and awkward and useless that I shrank away, shook my head with a polite smile. “I’m not telling you who you can complain about.”
He gave me a fake smile, raising his glass. “Here’s to complaining, then.”
I laughed and I met his glass because I had the emotional fortitude of wet cardboard, and I hated myself for it.
I stepped out to the back terrace as soon as I could, sitting at the edge staring out into space trying to pull myself back to earth, but it felt like I was reaching to myself through a thick liquid, like I was shouting to myself through thick glass where I could see myself on the other side slipping into a spiral without hearing me calling out to her.
So much for any resolutions to tell Daniela anything.
It wasn’t like I brought anything to the table to compensate for how I came in here, messed up the community dynamics and Linda’s and Charlie’s relationship, got Daniela in trouble too, and then went and slept with the girl Daniela liked while I was trying to find a way to get them together.
Daniela was going to hate me, and I had to be more steady first—at least, that’s what I told myself, that I needed to figure out enough of my life that I’d be okay if Daniela never wanted to see my face again.
I was only spiraling deeper when I heard my name, and I drifted back to where Jade leaned over the terrace railing towards me, concern in her eyes. I was getting everyone concerned and didn’t deserve anybody’s compassion at this rate.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m all right. Sorry. I was about to head right out and join you when…” I shook my head. “I just got distracted a bit.”
“With what?” She was all softness and tenderness, stepping in to help me.
Had been since the moment I first got to this town.
She’d find someone really wonderful wherever she ended up, someone who actually deserved her, and I was going to be really happy for her instead of jealous and sad and dumb.
“Alyssa, you look miserable. What happened?”
I swallowed. I wasn’t dragging Jade into it. “It’s nothing. Just… just thinking about stuff.”
The look on her face said she knew I was lying, but she didn’t push it.
She looked around to make sure we were alone before she caressed her thumb over my cheek, speaking softly.
“Well, come think about stuff back at my place, okay? We’ll put some music on and have some tea and watch a movie or something together. ”
“Are you mad at me?” Jesus, that was a stupid thing to say. She was patient, though, shaking her head and putting a small kiss on my forehead.
“Not even a little bit. And trust me, I’m mad at everyone. Grouchy little hermit in the woods.”
I laughed despite myself, and I heard tears under the sound. It was ridiculous for me to cry over this. Drew hadn’t even said anything bad, necessarily, just… made it clear I wasn’t supposed to be here. “You are not.”
“And you didn’t do anything to be mad over. So c’mon, little sad face. Let’s get you somewhere safe.”
I hugged myself, shaking my head even though going back somewhere safe with her sounded like the best thing in the world. “I really should go back to Daniela’s and… I don’t know… do something for her. Clean up or—”
“Alyssa.” She put a finger to my lips. “Whatever happened, nobody feels like you need to do something for them to make up for it.”
I swallowed, looking down at the ground. She took my hand and squeezed it.
“C’mon. You can ride these feelings out, but it’s not going to be good for you to do it here where it happened.”
“I was really hoping to get lucky with you tonight and everything,” I said, pouting. Jade laughed, stroking my hair back.
“There will be other nights. You don’t have to do anything except just be here tonight. Okay? Now get your butt in my car. I already told Daniela you’re not feeling well and I’m taking you back early with me.”
She was good—too good, honestly. I went back with her, where we listened to Paris Paloma on the way to her place and sang along, Jade hamming it up just to pull me out of my spiral.
Foraged a little dinner of scraps with cheese and crackers and veggies, and she didn’t press, just sat with me and made silly small talk, and we wound up dancing in her living room.
First it was to beautiful classical music, and then when that wasn’t enough to get through to me, she switched it to honest-to-god disco and led me through the corniest dance moves until we were both laughing too much for me to be upset, and in the end, it was a spontaneous thing for me to kiss her hungrily and passionately, just burning over with so much adoration that I felt like my chest would explode, and it turned out I did get lucky with her that night.
Wound up in her bed begging her to fingerfuck me harder until my feelings sat right in my mind at last, and then to fuck my face until I didn’t know up from down, and I cradled her close to me once we were done.
She was really good. So good I was going to cry for years when she left. But for right now, she was here, and that was the best thing in the world.
“Thanks,” I whispered against the soft skin of her collar.
“Thank you, honestly,” she said, squeezing my butt. I giggled.
“You’re welcome.”
“Be careful you don’t fall asleep like that. You’ve got to clean up first.”
“I know. Just a bit.”
Just a bit. That would be enough.