Chapter 28
Alyssa
My first problem was self-indulgence, because I couldn’t even bring myself to leave Jade’s place until the afternoon, even though I knew full well I needed to get back to Daniela’s and play it cool.
I knew that, but when I woke up to Jade playing with my hair and looking at me like I was the best thing she’d ever seen, for a minute, I felt like maybe I was okay after all.
And I guess I got a little addicted to that.
I was a little addicted to making out with her, too, so we did some of that. And she popped out for chocolate croissants, too, so that made things even better.
But eventually, I had to head out into the rain, where a thin drizzle in the morning had picked up to a steady shower.
Jade drove me back to the Birdhouse so I could take my car, and I held my jacket over my head and ran across the slick asphalt from her car to mine, fumbling in through the door and shivering against the wetness in my clothes as I started the car and cranked up the heat, letting it run to warm up.
Once I had stripped out of my jacket without feeling colder and wetter for it, I texted Daniela an apology for being out so late, a little white lie that I’d been out on a trail all morning and was running back away from the rain now, and to ask her if she wanted me to pick up anything.
I didn’t like the cool tone she used when she asked me if I could stop into the grocery store and grab some sourdough and tomatoes, but I was going to get her the best sourdough and tomatoes money could buy, because it was the least I could do at this point, except that the last thing I was expecting was to run into Linda, fifteen minutes later at the grocery store, nearly colliding with each other over the tomatoes.
“I saw this one first,” Linda said, snatching up a tomato.
“Clearly you’re more of a tomato expert than I am, because I wasn’t even beholden to that particular tomato,” I said. She gave me her little upside-down smile, dropping the tomato in question into a bag.
“I’m not a tomato expert either,” she said. “I just was already planning to pick that one up and so I got very committed to it. Are you feeling better?”
“Oh, um.” I scratched my head. “Better from what?”
“Yesterday at the Birdhouse. You looked like you were going to throw up when you left.”
I laughed awkwardly. “I thought I was doing a good job pretending I was okay.”
“Acting’s not your strong suit.”
“Well, so much for my promising Hollywood career.” I turned back to the tomatoes, picking carefully between them. “I’m feeling better now, yeah.”
“Acting’s not your strong suit.”
“Ugh, Jesus, even now?” I sighed, tossing the bag of tomatoes in my cart and leaning back against it wearily. “Okay, you win. I’ve been feeling rough. But I’ll be all right.”
“Something on your mind? I know I don’t look like it, but I am capable of emotional support sometimes.”
“You don’t look that scary. Sorry to burst your bubble.
” I shrugged, fiddling with a spot on the shopping cart handle.
“I just hate feeling like a burden… that’s all.
It’s starting to get to me.” I didn’t need to get into the details of Drew cornering me about it, or Charlie apparently complaining about me behind my back.
Even with everything between Charlie and Linda recently, I didn’t want to start pointing fingers at her girlfriend or their friend. Linda gave me a sympathetic smile.
“I feel you.”
“Yeah?”
“I make decent money, but Charlie makes so much more than me that I feel like I’m irrelevant.
Can’t be trusted with household tasks, don’t do as well as she wants in social settings, don’t…
dress up nicely enough. Sometimes I feel like I’m deadweight.
But…” She shrugged with one shoulder, looking at the wall past me.
“Eh. Just bad thoughts. You’re not a burden. People like having you here.”
Some people did, which was nice. How many did I need to like me to compensate for someone like Drew, like Charlie, talking to people about me, aligning people against me? But I wasn’t getting into that. “Thanks,” I said quietly, and she laughed dryly.
“Weird conversation to have at the tomato display. But I meant to catch you anyway,” she said, squaring her shoulders with me.
“Susanne wants to chat with you a bit more. About the job this time. We’re moving into the stage of actually looking for someone, a spot in outreach coordination, pretty aligned with your marketing work, so I told her you’d be interested.
I spoke for you, but whatever, I’ve always been presumptuous. ”
I felt a little sick. I couldn’t just say no after all this, but—I was still spiraling after everything with Drew yesterday.
It was fine, I kept telling myself—just Drew complaining and that it wasn’t the end of the world, I didn’t need everyone to like me, I could be a part of the community and I’d be able to do some good and give back and make up for everything everyone had done for me—but I still felt like I had a toxic lump in my stomach.
I forced a smile. “Are you sure?” I said, and she scoffed.
“Have I been subtle? I’m not just being nice. That’s not in my vocabulary.”
“Well, I disagree, but—” I sucked in a sharp breath. “Thank you. I’d love that. When can I meet with her?”
“I’ll give you her number,” she said. “You can text her. She’ll like the initiative.”
She was halfway through getting her phone out when the glass doors slid open at the store entrance behind us, and my stomach sank at the sight of Charlie closing her umbrella, drying her shoes on the entrance mat, and coming towards us.
Linda followed my gaze and stopped, her phone paused in midair, as Charlie came around the corner and stopped in front of the two of us.
“Alyssa, dear, good to see you,” she said, with a smile that turned my stomach with how genuinely polite it looked.
If she put on that much of an act while she was saying God-knows-what to Drew behind my back, who else was complaining about me in secret?
“I sent Linda to get groceries, and instead she’s gossiping with friends over the produce. ”
Linda fussed with her fingernails in a way I’d realized was a grounding ritual when she was feeling insecure. “Sorry. I didn’t think it was already—”
Charlie waved her off. “The class got out early,” she said, and she spoke conspiratorially to me.
“Pilates. The instructor waited until halfway through the class to admit he was sick, so I look forward to coming down with a completely avoidable infection. I’m not infectious yet, but I’m probably lying to you based on how everybody else is, too. ”
I forced a nervous laugh. What should have been a perfectly pleasant conversation was heavy with unspoken tension, and all of it was one-sided, because I doubted Drew had told her how I knew about their conversations. “Well, at least it’s not too hands-on an activity.”
“Thank god he’s too gay to come within ten feet of a woman’s body, but even so, if I get sick, I’m not going to be happy.” She put a hand on Linda’s shoulder. “I thought I’d drop in and join you for shopping, unless I’m interrupting something. What are we talking about?”
Oh, Jesus. I couldn’t tell her of all people.
Although, would Linda have already mentioned it to her?
It didn’t matter, though, clearly, because Linda didn’t have my reservations and spoke freely.
“Just passing along Susanne’s contact so she can meet up with Alyssa and talk about a new job opening at the college. ”
Charlie raised her eyebrows at me. “You’re planning to work at the college, then?”
“I’ve been… thinking about it,” I said, my throat tight. Linda shrugged.
“It’s outreach. Alyssa clearly loves reaching out.”
Charlie laughed. “Clearly,” she said, but I doubted it was a compliment from her. All of my reaching out was probably what she’d been complaining about. “I’d thought you were looking at work back in Boston,” she said, and I shrugged, trying to play it casual. I don’t think it came off casual.
“Oh, you know… I’ve just been open to all kinds of things. But I got to meet Linda’s manager one time, and she was really lovely, so… you know…”
Charlie smiled. “Well, lucky for us,” she said. “I know a few people who will be happy to have you stick around longer.”
And a few people who wouldn’t. She didn’t have to spell it out. “Yeah,” I managed. “Well, I’m very lucky for how much people have supported me.”
She laughed lightly, putting a hand on Linda’s arm.
“Well then, I suppose I’ll let you get back to gossip with your future coworker,” she said, putting just the slightest emphasis on the words, and I really had no reason to feel it like a jab in the chest like I did.
Linda was subdued for the rest of the conversation, giving me Susanne’s number and telling me again to reach out and check in with her, and I went numbly about the rest of the grocery pickup, grabbing the sourdough and a bar of the chocolate Daniela liked, and I went out to the car picturing vividly what it would be like to stick around in Paxton Ridge if I got everyone to hate me along the way.
And life had a way of kicking you while you were down, because in the time it took to drive back to Daniela’s, I got a text that only sent me further into the spiral.
Sawyer’s name at the top. I didn’t even open it, just seeing the preview, something guilt-tripping about the lease and renewing it without my name on it.
Jesus, my emotional regulation was zero.
I turned off my phone and dropped it in the passenger seat, my hand over my face, sucking in a long, shaky breath.
“You’re okay,” I said to myself, my voice thin and empty in the car around me.
“You’re fine. Okay, Alyssa? You’re good.
You’re a grown woman. You’ve gone through worse. You can do this.”