Chapter 28 #2
I didn’t believe myself. But whatever. I opened the car door, gathered the groceries and my phone, and I stepped out. I would read the stupid message later. And I’d spiral about it in the meantime.
I raced through the rain up to the front door, where I took a few tries to get the key in the lock and push it open.
The house was quieter than usual—Daniela liked to keep some music playing, and she was usually cooking or watching something on big living room TV if she was home on a weekend, but this time it was silent, and I’d kind of been counting on the music to blot out the angry thoughts in my head.
“Daniela?” I called, and I heard her voice from upstairs.
“Hey. Did you get the stuff?”
“Yeah.” I took off my shoes, grocery bag balanced in one arm.
“You can drop it in the kitchen, I’ll be there in one sec.”
She was—came in behind me while I was putting the bag down in the kitchen, and I turned back to where she walked into the room looking exhausted, rings under her eyes and her hair messy. “Hey,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
She pushed her glasses up, rubbing her eyes. “Ugh. I got an urgent work request while I was out last night, and I got back and panic-crunched until two in the morning, and I’ve been up since six getting it done. It’s settled now. But I feel like I got dragged behind a truck.”
I should have come back here last night… could have been here and made her dinner, took care of breakfast this morning. Instead, I’d been off having sex with Jade. “Do you want me to make food today?” I said, and she shook her head.
“I’m all good. I’m a genius in the kitchen. I can cook while I’m asleep.”
“You are a genius, but…”
“Did you have fun out on your nature trip?” she said, and I took a second too long to remember what she was talking about.
“Oh, yeah… I mean, it was nice until it was raining.”
“It started raining pretty early. When did you go out?”
I guess she would know that, if she’d been up since sunrise. I shouldn’t have lied about it, but I thought it would just be a little thing I wouldn’t have to follow up on. “I don’t really remember,” I said. “It was pretty early, though. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make some coffee?”
“Were you out all morning?”
I got a shudder down my spine, stopping and watching her for a cold second. “Why… do you ask? Did something happen?”
“Nothing, just curious,” she said, and she leaned back against the edge of the table island, giving me an uncharacteristically serious look.
“I popped out to grab pastries for breakfast, and I ran into Jade getting you two some croissants. She said you weren’t feeling too well and were sleeping in this morning. ”
I flushed cold, standing stock-still with a distant ringing in my ears. “I…”
“What’s going on?” she said, and my eyes pricked with a hot, wet sensation. I shook my head.
“I don’t…”
“There’s been a lot of lying and talking behind people’s backs recently, and I’d like it if you told me the truth.”
Breathing felt difficult, thin, my chest tight. I really had ruined everything, in the end. I should have known that kind of thing followed me everywhere I went. I crumpled against the wall, my face in my hands. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to… I just didn’t want to hurt anybody.”
“So what is it?” she said, her voice casual in a way that just made it hit harder. “Have you been sleeping with her or something?”
“I…” I looked down at the floor. She let out a big breath, shaking her head.
“You could have just said so.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.” My words came out pitifully hysterical, and I couldn’t control them, couldn’t control what I was saying or how I was saying it or anything that was happening right now.
I felt like the floor had opened up and I was sinking, already knee-deep and disappearing fast. “I’m sorry. ”
“I don’t care who you’re sleeping with, but I don’t like being lied to about it. Do you not trust me?”
“I do! I’m sorry. It’s just…”
“Just what?”
Jesus, I didn’t know. Just that I didn’t think I was worth keeping around if I was getting in the way with things like that. I broke, one stupid sob coming out of my mouth with an I’m sorry, and Daniela sighed hard, raking her hand back through her hair.
“I’m not trying to attack you,” she said. “I’m just really hurt that you’re sneaking around behind my back.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Please, will you stop apologizing?”
“I just didn’t want to hurt anybody.” What was the point, though? I was just hurting everyone everywhere I went. All these people who had given me everything I could have wanted, too.
She groaned, a hand to her forehead, and she turned away. “God, I need a minute,” she said. “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere. I’m going upstairs for a bit.”
“I’m…” I almost said I’m sorry again. I managed to cut myself off, but instead I had nothing, just a hollow ball in my chest and in my mouth where words should have been.
“I’ll make dinner later,” she said, and she walked out of the room, leaving me to where I sank down along the wall until I was sitting on the floor, my face in my hands.
I hated how stupid I was. Hated how useless I was, how I kept doing this no matter what I did, just broke everything wherever I went.
I moved like I was in a bad dream, my body not working quite right, as I somehow found my way back into the room in the basement.
The little studio that Daniela had turned into a bedroom for me without complaint, had let me stay in without charging me a penny, and where she’d woken me up with breakfast more mornings than not, and I dwelled in the thought of I’m sure she’ll be glad once I’m gone.
Maybe I could at least make someone’s day by leaving them alone.
I’d really blown it here. Lied to Daniela, broke my promise to Cat, ticked off Drew, got Charlie to start circulating things behind my back, screwed around with Abby and then blew her off, messed up Linda’s relationship, and the person who’d opened her heart up to me fully, Jade, I’d made her keep us a stupid secret that was probably going to ruin her other friendships all over again.
Honestly, it was kind of impressive how much I screwed everything up.
Like, talk about a clean sweep. Did they give out medals for this?
I dropped onto the bed, staring up at the little window up at the top of the wall, and I wished I could cry—wished that this awful, hollow feeling in my gut would go away and let me feel everything I was supposed to, but instead, I was a rock, a broken piece of metal, cold and feeling nothing.
It was uncomfortably self-aware of me, that I knew I was doing it to punish myself because I’d been a bad person, and yet even knowing that, I still went ahead with it—this addictive satisfaction knowing I was getting what I deserved—as I took my phone and looked at Sawyer’s message.
I knew I couldn’t go back. I knew what happened to women who did.
But maybe I deserved it. Maybe it would have been right for me, after everything I’d done. Sawyer would break the stupid part of my spirit that had told me to go take advantage of everyone else and ruin things for them.
I hesitated for a long time with my finger over the screen, teetering between life and death, and then—I knew I had to move quickly and decisively and do it before I could stop myself—I opened the phone, and I didn’t stop moving until the phone was ringing, a sick feeling in my stomach.
My chest swooped with nerves when it clicked and picked up, a familiar old voice on the other side I thought I’d never hear again.
“Alyssa?”
I pushed out a shaky breath. “Hi, Mom,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry. Can I stay at your place for a couple days? I need to keep myself from making a really bad decision.”
She sounded guarded. Wary of her own daughter. I’d given her reason to be. “You haven’t said a word to any of us in years.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Somebody else I’d wronged. Mom could get in line. “Sawyer… my ex-boyfriend… he didn’t like me having family. Or friends. I’m not welcome anymore where I am right now, but if I go back there, I’d…”
I couldn’t finish the thought. Everything I could was a dramatic exaggeration and yet, at the same time, an understatement. At length, though, Mom’s voice came softly through the phone.
“I can have the house ready for you by tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. To be saved by somebody else. Hopefully for the last time. “Thanks, Mom,” I said quietly, closing my eyes and breathing out slowly.