Chapter 31 #2
Well, of course I was. Wasn’t I always going to be depressed about it? About coming back to a place like this? About having a conversation like this with a woman who clearly didn’t want me here?
“I’ll be okay,” I said. “I’m just… it’s just… a lot right now. I’m sorry.”
“Is there something you want me to do for you right now?” she said, sounding irritable, and I shrank further into myself.
“No. I just wanted to tell you. I’m sorry.”
“Okay, please stop apologizing.”
“Right. Okay.” Same thing everyone else had said. I really did have problems.
She left before long, thankfully—had to get to work, and it already dragged out too long, having to figure out how to defuse the situation. Got back to my bedroom before long to spiral, where I sat with my laptop open in front of me, and I moved in a trance to look through job openings in Boston.
I knew I couldn’t stay here. I’d already been here too long. I guess one upside of being around somebody who secretly hated you was that you couldn’t do anything to make them hate you.
I’d wasted a lot of time trying to be selective and intelligent with it, and ironically making a damn fool of myself in the process.
I did better this time: went through job openings and mechanically applied to every one that looked like I could theoretically do it, copy-pasting as much information as possible to get it done faster. Anything to keep me moving.
It was like I was in a dream. The night passed heavier still than the others, and the next morning found me on the phone with a sushi place in Dorchester that was urgently hiring.
I told them I’d be happy to come in for an interview, but that I’d be a bit, because I was out of town, but that I could arrive tomorrow if that was okay.
It was lucky that I hadn’t had the time to unpack anything more. It was simple enough to throw all my stuff back into my suitcases, and I hauled my things out to my car, where I sat in the driver’s seat staring blankly out the windshield.
Was I really doing this again? Running away? Burning my bridges and heading on like a plague to the next place?
Maybe it was a good thing I was going back somewhere. Regressing. Wasn’t that nice for me? Like a tree that had grown too big and gotten cut down, a broken stump rotting back into the earth.
Jesus, I needed to stop whining, get it together, and go do something with myself.
I committed to composing myself, took a deep breath, steadied my feelings as best I could, and I settled in to drive, starting the car.
Rolled down the window for some fresh air, adjusted my rear-view mirror, opened the glove compartment to get a CD for some music, and then I realized I didn’t have any.
This wasn’t Jade’s car. I’d never see her again.
I lost the composure I’d just gotten. I broke fully this time—like every other time had been a partial fracturing, a splintering, and this time, I finally broke altogether, and I collapsed against the steering wheel, clutching it hard with both hands, crying thick, ugly tears.
I cried, and even though I hated myself and everything I was doing, everything I’d ever done, hated that I’d gotten myself into this position, it was cathartic—satisfying to finally cry properly, to let myself break down to nothing, and I cried hard enough my throat hurt, my face burned, my eyes prickled, and I gripped the steering wheel until it felt like I’d snap it off in my hands, and I cried, and I cried, and I kept crying for what felt like hours, and it was when I’d finally let most of it out and I was coming out on the other side feeling exhausted and spent and empty inside that there was movement from next to me, and a voice that came with it.
“You doing all right?” the voice said, and I was so caught up in the messy whirlwind of my stupid feelings that I was completely blindsided, and I screamed, whirling on the window and nearly slapping a woman in the face.
She caught it—her hand up, clearly having seen it coming—and I felt it like a splash of water to the face when I saw Jade, standing by my car, smiling tiredly at me.
“Easy,” she said. “If you’re gonna slap me again, at least go for the other side. Make it even.”
“What—I—you—” I shook my head, my heart in my mouth. “Jade?”
She smiled lopsidedly. “No, her evil twin.”
“Oh my god, no you’re not,” I choked, my hand over my mouth, face hot. “What are you doing here?”
“Giving you a gift. You didn’t give us a new address, which was a bit inconsiderate.” She held up a bundle wrapped in tissue paper. “Normally there’d be some serious shipping and handling charges for this, but… I’m willing to waive it this once. Don’t get used to it just because you’re pretty.”
“Jade, are you insane? You didn’t drive from Vermont to Indiana to give me a gift. What is going on right now?” I wasn’t sure if I was yelling, laughing, or crying. All of the above? She held up a brown paper bag, packed full.
“Well, it’s a bunch of gifts. I can’t have one original idea without everyone else glomming on.
I made you a candle, and then Cat insisted on making some of her signature donuts, even though we were going on a cross-country drive, and then Daniela insisted there was no signature donuts without signature tamales, which is of course only an obvious combination in Daniela’s little world, and then next thing I knew, I had half the town lining up to send you something.
” She gave the bag a shake, rustling around what was clearly a pile of things inside.
“I hate to argue with a beautiful woman, but you’re wrong if you think people don’t want you in Vermont.
I’ve been having a lot of conversations since you left, and…
well… I don’t think you realize how much good you bring just by being there. And how much people want you there.”
“Jade.” Jesus, this wasn’t happening. I’d gone driving off to Boston and I’d hit a tree and this was my brain dreaming a happy fantasy before I died.
Delicately, I unwrapped the bundle, and a candle came out in my hand, swirled with a creamy white and the same blue as my ring, with those blue scillas I loved so much, dried and set in the outer layer of the wax.
It smelled so… delicately sweet. Like my perfume.
Was that the scent she’d been trying so hard to match with the big boxes of tests?
The whole time, she’d been trying to make this for me?
“You could have just texted me,” I said, choking out a laugh, tears hot on my face now.
“You’d have run away again. I figured I needed to be here and make sure I got through to you.” She reached through the window, putting her hand on mine, and I felt myself crumpling at the touch, the softest and most precious thing in the world, and how much I’d missed it. “Come home. We miss you.”
“I can’t…” I shook my head, speaking thinly through the tears as I clutched the candle like it was a lifeline. “I don’t want to keep…”
“Hurting people? Causing problems?” She brushed the tears from my cheek.
“None of that, Miss Taylor. Daniela’s not mad.
She came all this way too—insisted on coming here to see you.
Her and Cat. I talked through everything with Linda and Charlie.
It’s not even like you think, it’s just Drew trying to stir things up with you.
Linda and Charlie have both been insisting Linda’s manager keeps the position open until she can talk to you about it.
I know we’re a nosy bunch, and we get a bit weird and rowdy, and communication isn’t always our strong suit, but we love you and we miss you. So. Come home.”
“But… but you’re…” I sucked in a shaky breath, my head still spinning. “You’re leaving too anyway. What does…”
She shrugged. “Changed my mind. Had some hard conversations once you left, and I’ve decided what I want most is to stay and put the effort into making one place feel like home.
Ideally… with you.” She ducked her head, a nervous smile flickering over her lips.
“I really care about you, Alyssa. And life is a lot more meaningful when you’re in it.
So… I want to give us a chance. With you, and me, back home in Vermont.
What do you say?” She held up the bag, rustling it one more time.
“I’ve even got a pile of treats to tempt you. ”
“Oh my god, Jade, I don’t even know what to say,” I laughed, choked, wiping tears from my face. “You really came all this way just to ask me to come back?”
“And I’d do it a hundred times more to see you, Alyssa.”
“Oh, god, stop, that’s so romantic,” I said, and I couldn’t help myself anymore—I opened the door, and I stumbled out and into her, my body seeking hers, the comfort of her embrace like it’s where I was always meant to be, and she caught me with strong arms around my back, squeezing me into her as we swayed together, my face buried in her shoulder as I cried.
“I don’t deserve any of you,” I said. “Least of all you.”
“If that were even the slightest bit true, you wouldn’t have the entire town clamoring for you to come back.” She kissed the side of my head. “So? You coming back with us? No offense, but this place is a little boring. And ugly.”
I laughed wetly, pulling back from the embrace just enough to see her dark hazel eyes sparkling as she looked at me, and I nodded. “If you’ll have me,” I said, “I’ll go anywhere with you.”