17. Victor
Victor
All I can do is stand there and watch the man I love drive away. I don’t move, wanting to make sure I memorize how he looks, knowing I’m never going to see him again. He hates me, and I don’t blame him. I lied to him and kept a huge secret from him.
His truck disappears around the corner and I feel like there’s a weight pressing down on me. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. The world is completely hazy and I start to panic, unable to breathe.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Everything was great, and my lie came back to bite me in the ass, ruining everything.
If only I had been honest with him from the beginning or at least when he mentioned not liking when people sent him gifts, especially those he saved.
Like the one who’s been sending him gifts for months.
It was my opportunity to come clean, but I didn’t.
Pretended like it was horrible and I couldn’t believe someone would do it.
I felt safe lying because he didn’t remember me.
I knew one day it might come out, but I thought it would be way in the future, when he loved me. When his feelings for me outweighed my poor judgment. We would laugh about it and keep moving on.
But that’s not what happened.
Jake doesn’t want to hear anything I have to say. He doesn’t even want to see me again.
He thinks our meeting that day in the café was planned. It wasn’t. Me going in there was a fluke, and when I saw him sitting at the table I nearly passed out. I hadn’t planned for him to be there, nor did I stalk him and form an elaborate plan to meet him. Our meeting was purely organic.
In fact, I'd been thinking about stopping the gifts altogether.
Nellie told me it was getting kind of creepy.
That I needed to think about how it looked from his side.
That he was probably wondering who the hell kept sending him things and maybe even thinking the same thing she did.
He probably thought I was some kind of psycho killer, and my plan was to fatten him up and then lock him up in my basement.
Truth was Nellie’s words had finally hit home. Then when I heard how Jake felt about it, not knowing who I was, I knew I had to stop. And I didn’t purchase another gift. Once the last one I had prepaid for had been delivered, that was it.
My intention wasn’t to scare him or to piss him off. Yes, I was attracted to him, but the larger picture was I wanted to thank him for saving my life. Because of him, I’m alive today to be able to see my sweet niece being born.
There’s not a gift big enough to thank someone for that. No words could explain what he did for me. The gifts, small as they were, were the only way I knew how to say it.
Along the way I fell more in love with him as I learned pieces of his life by eavesdropping and watching from the shadows. I started to wonder what it would actually be like to have a conversation with him. To date him. To wake up next to him.
I started obsessing over him. Not healthy, but I did. And then when I sat across from him at the café and he didn’t recognize me, I started to get small pieces of what I wanted. I was scared shitless at first, but he didn’t recognize me. I should’ve known he wouldn’t. He saves so many people.
I felt lucky. Fate was handing me the opportunity I wanted. A chance to be with Jake, and I wasn’t going to let it slip through my fingers.
Over and over, I told myself I would tell him the truth. I just needed the right moment. I’d explain everything. Why I did it and why I chose to keep it from him. The preferred time would be when we were so in love that he would forgive me for my mistake.
But every time I looked at him, every time he smiled at me, every time he touched me, I lost my nerve. Because I was terrified that if he knew the truth, I'd lose him.
I know I’m about to break down, and I don’t need to be crying like a baby on the side of the street. I pull my phone out of my pocket and order a ride then call the one person who will listen to me.
Nellie.
I stare at our message thread for a second before typing.
Me: I fucked up.
Her call comes immediately. I knew she wouldn’t text because she'd want to hear my voice. To make sure I was okay. It wouldn’t matter that I screwed shit up.
I don’t even get to say hello; as soon as I answer the call, I hear her panicked voice.
"What happened?"
"He broke up with me." My breath hitches and I barely get out the words.
I can hear her breathing but she doesn’t say anything right away. Then she comes in full sister mode.
"Why? Do I need to kill him? I told you if he upset you, I’d castrate him.”
"He found out I was lying to him."
"What were you lying about? That’s not like you.”
I close my eyes.
"Lying, keeping a secret that would hurt him, it’s the same thing. He’s the guy, Nellie.”
Silence.
"The guy? The one you’ve been obsessing over? The one who saved you?” She lets out a slow breath. “Oh Victor, he didn’t know who you were?”
“No. When I ran into him that day, it was purely coincidental. Then I went over to the table, and started talking. I didn’t expect anything more than that.” I swallow hard. “Then when he didn’t recognize me and asked me out, I thought I was finally getting my chance.”
"Oh, damn. Why didn’t you tell him? Or did you, and that’s why he broke up with you? Fuck, I need to sit down.” I hear her moving around, then a grunt.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yeah, the little bean sprout is doing a number on me. But tell me what happened.”
“No, I didn’t tell him. I was going to and then he told me how he felt about the person sending him gifts and I knew it would be a mistake.
I just figured after more time together and getting closer, I could tell him.
” I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
This is fucking torture. “We ran into the lady that runs the café I ordered his coffee from. Apparently they are friends. He told her I was his boyfriend and she assumed I told him the truth.”
“Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I’m sure he’s just upset, and after some time to think about it, he’ll come around.”
“No, you didn’t see the look in his eyes. He thinks I’m some crazed psycho. That I was having fun fucking around with him, pretending to like him. He doesn’t want to see me. He wouldn’t even listen to me explain what happened.”
"I'm sure he just needs time to process," she says gently. "Then he'll forgive you."
"I don't think he will."
"You don't know that."
“Yes, I do. He’s hurt, pissed, and I’m the reason for all of it.” I have to fight back a sob. “Nellie, I love him. I never told him, but I do.” My eyes burn and my chest feels so heavy.
“I know you do. I could tell by the way you talked about him. The way your voice just lit up with excitement.”
“And I fucked it up.”
“I don’t think you did. He needs time. That’s it. Once he has some time to calm down, then the two of you can sit and talk about everything.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“You just need to give him time. I think it will be good for both of you so that you can get some perspective. You were coming tomorrow. See if you can change your flight to today and come now. Or make it earlier tomorrow. Just come home and I’ll help you figure it out.”
"Okay. I love you, Nellie.”
“I love you too, Victor. Just don’t lose hope.”
I nod my head. “I’ll try not to. I’m going to go so I can pack and see if I can change my flight. I’ll message you once I figure it out.”
"Good. I'll see you soon."
I hang up and stand there, waiting for my ride to show. I want to go to Jake’s to demand him to listen to me. But I know it will only make things worse.
My ride notification pops up on my phone letting me know my driver’s here.
I verify the red Toyota as the one that’s supposed to pick me up and slip into the back seat of the car. I don’t talk, I just sit there, staring blankly out the window as the tears fall. If the driver notices, he doesn't say anything.
One stupid, terrified mistake and I’ve lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I press my forehead against the cold glass and watch the city blur through my tears.
All I can think about is his face. The hurt in his eyes. The anger he had for me. The way he looked at me like he didn't know who I was anymore.
And the worst part?
I can't blame him. Because I did this.
I had him. And I was so afraid of losing him that I couldn't tell him the truth.
Now I'm sitting in the back of a car, watching the world move past me, with nothing but regret keeping me company.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Please, I beg anyone who can hear me. Just let me have one more chance.
I don't know if he will. But I know for a fact if he does give me a second chance that I’ll never lie to him again.