18. Jake
Jake
Four days.
Four days of feeling like I’ve had my heart ripped to shreds.
That’s how long it’s been since I found out the truth. How long it’s been since my entire world was thrown into shambles. When Victor’s dirty little secret was spilled for me to see.
He tried calling that day, but I rejected them all. Deleted all his voicemails without even listening to them. Did the same to his text messages before finally blocking him. I half expected him to show up at my door, letting himself in and pleading for me to understand.
But he didn’t. And I wouldn’t understand. How could he lie to me? Especially knowing how I felt about it. If he truly cared for me, he would’ve been honest from the get go. When he sat down at that table, he would’ve told me who he really was. But he didn’t.
I knew if I didn't block him, that I would crumble. That I would eventually listen to his voicemails and read his messages even if I didn’t talk to him.
I know myself and how I feel, or rather felt.
No, that’s not true. Fuck, I’m so messed up I can’t even figure out what my feelings are for him anymore.
If I didn’t block him, then I was leaving a crack for my heart to weasel in and overthrow my brain and forgive Victor without him deserving it.
God, I’m so fucking angry at him. But most of all, I’m hurt that he lied to me. If we hadn’t run into Fifi on the sidewalk, I probably never would’ve known the truth.
And that’s what’s killing me the most. Tomorrow I would be getting on a plane to go and meet his family and potentially be there when his sister gave birth. I wonder if they know. Would they be laughing at me behind my back?
I have the ticket. The very nonrefundable ticket. I tried, and found out that your boyfriend breaking your heart doesn’t get you reimbursed for what you spent.
I should be packing and checking my flight time and figuring out what I’m going to wear when I see him.
All those silly things you do when you’re meeting the man you love.
All the obsessing if you look okay and if he’s going to be excited to see you.
That’s what should be occupying my thoughts right now. Not that he broke my heart.
Because apparently even my plane ticket has decided to fuck me over. Just like Victor did. Except his pain hurts far worse.
“What the fuck am I going to do?” I say, letting my head fall back on the couch. I lift my hand and rub at my temples, the throbbing getting stronger. I need to get up and take something before this becomes a full blown migraine.
My phone chooses that moment to ring, causing my head to pound harder.
I pick it up, dread entering my stomach even though I know it’s not Victor.
He’s blocked. I wonder if he’s even realized.
If it’s causing him pain to truly know I don’t want to hear from him.
Saying it and actually showing it are two very different things.
I glance down at the screen.
Stellan.
I groan, thinking about ignoring the call for a second before hitting the button and answering, placing the phone to my ear.
“What?” My voice comes out more abrasive than I intend. He hasn’t done anything wrong, but I’ve caught myself deflecting my anger and annoyance onto others.
“I’m going to let it slide, you talking to me like that.” I can hear a twinge of playfulness in his voice, but something tells me he means it too.
“I’m sorry. Just got a headache and, well you know, just trying to deal with the aftermath of the betrayal of the man I love.”
I know I sound dramatic, but I don’t fucking care. I’ve always known I’m a little over the top with my feelings and with the way I think sometimes.
“Whatever, drama queen. I was just calling to see if you decided what you're doing about tomorrow.”
“I didn’t think anything needed to be decided. I’m not going.”
He just laughs. “Really, Jake, are you pouting? Does the baby need a bottle?”
“Fuck you, asshole.”
“Nah, not my type. So you’re really not going?”
I close my eyes, my headache becoming so intense the lights are starting to bother me. Not to mention this idiot thinking it’s some kind of shock that I’m not going.
“Did you not hear me?” I can feel my irritation escalating. “Do you need me to repeat it? Speak slower? Or is it that you’re getting hard of hearing in your old age?”
“Fuck off, man. Again, I’m going to let that slide.” I hear him sigh through the phone. “I just think it’s stupid. That you’re being a little irrational.”
Did he just say what I think he did? Oh, hell no. He’s woken the asshole in me now.
“Stupid? Irrational?” My voice raises with each word that I speak until I’m practically screaming at him.
“It’s irrational that I don’t want to be with the person who stalked me for months.
Found out all the details he could about me, then pretended to meet me one day and make me fall in love with him. ”
“Yeah. That’s exactly it. And he didn’t make you fall in love with him. You did that all on your own. You know who’s being ridiculous? You. Jake, I’m just asking you to look at everything with a clear head.”
“How could I not look at it any clearer? He fucking lied to me!” I shout.
“Yeah, but it’s not like it was a lie meant to hurt you. Not to mention you didn’t even give him a chance to explain. You shut him out and told him you never wanted to see him again.”
My eyes go wide in shock. I have to be in some kind of alternate universe.
Or this is a damn dream. I pinch my arm and fuck it hurts.
Okay, not a dream. Alternate universe it is.
I need to find the worm hole to send me back to the right place, because it’s obvious everyone here is fucking delusional.
“I thought you were my friend, but it seems clear that you’re on the Victor the liar bandwagon.”
“I am your friend.”
“Seems like you’re on his side.”
“No. I’m on the side of sanity, Jake.”
I roll my eyes and seriously consider hanging up and blocking his ass, too.
“Then clearly you have a warped sense of it.”
“It means you’re looking at this with a broken heart.
Did he buy you gifts for months? Yes. You rescued him, and he had a bad case of savior worship.
” I scoff, but Stellan ignores me and keeps talking.
“It’s not like he showed up at your house, stole your dirty underwear, or chained you to his bed and slowly ate the flesh from your body.
He didn’t even make a skin suit out of you.
He sent you some gifts. Big fucking deal. ”
“Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. It is a big damn deal.”
“Yes, Jake, I know it is to you. But the two of you clearly like each other. You were happy. What he did was harmless. Did you ever think that once you told him about how you felt about the person leaving gifts, and he saw how much it upset you, that he was too scared to admit it was him?”
I don't answer because what if he’s right.
“You were the happiest I’ve seen you in a long time. Can you deny that? If you can, then I’ll shut up. But I think you really need to be honest when you answer it.”
My jaw tightens. I can’t deny it. Because Stellan’s right. And I fucking hate that he is. I haven’t been as happy as I was with Victor in a long time.
Even after the lies, the deceit, I still love him. That’s the part I don’t want to admit. Because being angry is easier. Being hurt is easier. Hating him would be so much fucking easier than forgiving him.
I hate that he watched me struggle with something he could have explained with a few simple words. He even knew that it bothered me. And maybe, just maybe, that’s why he didn’t tell me.
Stellan clears his throat. “I’m waiting.”
“Fine! I still love him.”
“Then go, let him explain. Let him tell you everything, and truly listen to him. Then you decide how you feel.” I pick at the tiny hole at the bottom of my shirt as I let what he’s saying sink in.
“You might get closure on this relationship. Or you might realize you can forgive him and move forward together.”
I don't say anything. I can’t. Why is this so hard? How can my feelings be so torn? I shouldn’t even be thinking of him after what he did. But, he still consumes my thoughts.
“You’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could have happened if you’d just gotten on that plane.”
I gnaw on my lip. “I don’t want regrets but I don’t know if I can do it.”
“But remind me if I’m wrong,” he continues, “you love reading about this same exact thing happening in those smutty books of yours.”
“Yeah, but that’s fiction.” I quickly cut him off. “And this is real life.”
“Exactly. But tell me. Doesn’t it look good in real life? Why not give it a shot? Just go, Jake. Work it out or get over it and move on. But do something and stop sulking.”
The line goes quiet.
“I’ll think about it. I got to go.”
“I hope it’s to get on a plane.”
Stellan doesn’t say goodbye. He just hangs up.
I sit there and think about what Stellan said. My teeth sink into the tender flesh of my bottom lip, my eyes closing as I try to clear my head.
What the hell should I do?
“Fuck it.”
I stand up and head to my bedroom, straight to my closet, get my suitcase out, and start packing. If I'm going to make a mistake, I'm going to make it standing right in front of him.
Tomorrow, I'm going to get on that plane and confront him. I’m not going to pretend like what he did doesn’t bother me, but I am going to listen to what he has to say. Then, well, I guess we’ll see what happens.
When I get there, I'll message him and have him meet me somewhere in public. Someplace with people around so we don’t cause a scene, but quiet enough that we can talk. I want to be able to look him in the eyes when I finally hear the truth from him.
Then and only then will I decide what happens next.
Because tomorrow, I'm going to find out if there's still an us. If I even want there to be an us. When I talk to him, I’ll finally know if he’s worth the pain or if I’m going to let him go.
Either way, I'm done wondering what our relationship could’ve been if he didn’t keep this important detail from me.