Chapter 14
Luca
I pull Noah a little closer to me, rest my forehead against his temple, and take a deep breath. Everything goes quiet. The chaos in my head subsides, the thoughts that usually shoot back and forth like arrows glide by like paper airplanes.
I know this feeling. It’s there when I listen to music with Papa, or when Paps runs his fingers through my hair.
I’ve never felt it before with anyone I was…
with. Maybe because I’ve never really been with anyone.
I don’t know if Noah and I are together, but I don’t want it to end. I want him for myself.
For years, I was the child who had nothing.
Nothing of my own, nothing for me, not even parents.
For ten years, I was passed around the system.
From facility to foster family, from foster family to facility.
At first, I tried hard in the foster families, tried to be nice, smile kindly, and follow the rules of the foster parents, but I always did something wrong, even though I never understood what.
I can’t remember when that switch was flipped or by whom, but at some point I realized that it hurts less if you’ve behaved like a total jerk before you get sent away.
Then at least there was a reason I wasn’t allowed to stay.
A reason other than the mere fact of being myself.
I grew up believing that nobody loved me and nobody wanted me.
And then I came to my parents, and everything was way too perfect to be true.
Suddenly, someone was asking me questions, wanting to know about me.
Papa and Paps already had Louis and Jannis, and I didn’t understand why they were putting themselves through this with me.
I did everything I could to make them regret it, and I’m still sorry about that to this day, I really am.
But no matter how awful I was, the two of them never gave up on me.
It wasn’t until I found out that Louis and Jannis were adopted—that they, too, had been in the family as foster kids for four years—that I could tolerate this newfound abundance of love and security, and eventually accept it. I learned to trust.
Then the fear came. Fear of doing something wrong, of having to leave, of losing them. I only realized that Papa and Paps wanted to keep me and stood by me unconditionally when I was in really deep trouble.
“I saw Luca take the wallet.”
What did I do? Excuse me? “What kind of bullshit are you talking about? No, I didn’t.”
“That’s easy to find out. Open your backpack and we’ll take a look.” Mrs. Hellwarth has been looking for her wallet for twenty minutes now.
“Sure, no problem.” I toss my backpack onto the table, open it, and there, in plain sight, pink and studded with rhinestones, lies a wallet I’ve never seen let alone touched before. Fuck.
Two minutes later, I’m sitting with our principal.
A half an hour later, Philipp joins us. My heart sinks.
Things aren’t that bad with Philipp and Adrien, I’ve only just really settled in.
I’d hoped I might be able to stay. That they might eventually…
Tears well up in my eyes and a knife stabs deep into my chest, because for the first time in my life, I really have something to lose.
“Can I speak to my son alone for a moment?” Son… Just for today. Who knows where I’ll be tomorrow.
“With your foster son. Yes, of course. I’ll speak with Mrs. Hellwarth in the meantime.”
The door to the conference room closes and Philipp starts talking. Calm and friendly, but firm. “I have one question and I want the truth. We’ll figure this out, we’ll find a solution, but don’t lie to me. That’s my only condition. Did you steal the wallet?”
I bite my lower lip to hold back my tears.
“It wasn’t me. I wasn’t even in the room.
I was with Mr. Scheffler at the staff room.
He wanted to discuss something about the presentation.
Mrs. Hellwarth sent me down there herself.
By the time I came to the classroom, she was already back.
I didn’t even notice she’d been gone for a moment. ”
My voice is desperate. Very desperate, but I want him to believe me.
I don’t want to go back to the group home, I want to stay.
I’ve always tried my hardest not to get emotionally attached to anyone here, but I didn’t stand a chance.
They acted like it was the most normal thing in the world to…
want me. To be there for me. Even when I was an asshole. Even when I didn’t deserve it.
“If we go to Mr. Scheffler now, can he confirm that you were with him at the time of the incident?”
“Yes, of course!” I scream, and Philipp just puts a reassuring hand on my forearm.
“Has anyone spoken to Mr. Scheffler yet? Do you know that?”
“No one has listened to me so far! Mrs. Hellwarth started yelling right away and dragged me here. I haven’t had a chance to say anything yet!”
“Okay, let’s do that now. I’ll come with you, and I won’t leave your side. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”
Another thirty minutes later, and all the accusations were off the table.
I can’t believe it. On the way out, Philipp put his arm around my shoulder.
I let my head fall against him and feel the first tear roll down my cheek.
For the first time in my life, someone believed me, just like that.
For the first time, someone didn’t let me down when things got uncomfortable.
Two arms wrap around my slender body, one hand on my back and one running through my curls, and I know I’m allowed to stay, and I know I want to, forever.
I sob more than I actually speak, but I want to say it, now. To the first person in my life who deserves that title. “Thank you, Paps.” I hear the smile in his voice as he replies. “Always, kiddo.”
I haven’t lost them. My family is still my family, and for nearly four years now, I’m legally theirs. Just like Louis and Jannis, Papa and Paps asked me after four years if I wanted to be adopted, if I wanted to take their last name.
Until I came into this family, I never felt like I belonged anywhere, I never had a home, never felt loved. Now I have all of that, and I’m so incredibly grateful that my fathers didn’t say no when the call came, like so many others did before them.
My stomach is in knots, and a heavy weight on my chest is threatening to take my breath away. Not literally, of course, but it feels that way, and I think I’m just beginning to understand why.
It’s back. The fear of losing something you absolutely don’t want to lose.
Not something, but someone. When did this happen?
When did “Fuck, I want to kiss you” turn into “Fuck, I don’t want to lose you”?
And why? I’ve never felt this way before, only with my family.
I’ve never been… in love. That’s what this is, isn’t it?
Is this what it feels like when you’re in love?
***
I let my head fall onto my desk and my tablet gives a little bounce. What do I do now? How does this work?
I stand up resolutely and knock on the door across the hall.
Before Jannis can say a word, I stick my head through the door.
“Hey, got a minute?” My brother and Dayyan are lying on the bed, making out.
They… oh, fuck, I should’ve waited for an answer before I walked in.
Why do I always catch my brothers having sex?
Jannis pauses briefly. “Can’t you at least turn around if you’re not going to leave?”
Leave, sure, damn it. I quickly turn around and disappear into my room. Two minutes later, there’s a knock. “Come in.”
Jannis’s blond curly head fills the crack in my door. “May I?”
“Can’t you all just lock the door when you’re having sex?”
“Can’t you just wait until someone answers before barging in?” Jannis grins at me, wearing boxer shorts and a T-shirt.
“I haven’t waited for eight years, and everyone here knows that. You didn’t have to stop. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”
“Well, it’s too late for that now! What’s up?”
“How did you realize you were in love with Dayyan?”
Jannis smiles gently and sits down on my sofa. “Is this about Noah?”
I nod quickly so I don’t have to look my brother in the eye.
“Do you find him attractive?”
Is he serious? “I wouldn’t be kissing him otherwise, would I?”
“I’m just asking because he’s really not your type at all.”
“Noah isn’t ugly.” I can hear how defensive I sound, and Jannis smiles.
“I didn’t say that. He has a cute face and he’s nice. But he’s unassuming and shy—neither of which are qualities you’ve ever valued in your partners. What does Noah have that all the others didn’t?”
“I can’t hide behind casual banter and a loud persona around him. He sees me. And… Oh God, that sounds stupid. But usually, the better people get to know me, the more they distance themselves. Noah comes closer.”
Smiling, Jannis pats the spot next to him on the sofa. “Come here.”
Without hesitation, I stand up. But I don’t sit, I lie down with my head on his bare thighs and enjoy his hand running through my curls. “You don’t need my answer. You know yourself that your feelings for Noah are different from anything you’ve ever known.”
“So what now?”
“What kind of question is that?” Jannis laughs and I feel silly. “Noah likes you, but he’s scared, just like you. Take it slow and keep your hands off others. No flirting either.”
I understand why my brother is saying this, but right now I want everything with Noah if he’ll have me. “Do you think I can do this? A serious relationship?”
“Luca, I don’t know anyone who loves as intensely as you do. Of course you can.”
“And what if he eventually realizes that I’m too much? What if some day he doesn’t want me anymore?”
“You’ll never know what happens if you don’t take a chance.”
Why does love require so damn much courage?