Chapter 17
Noah
Oh no, fuck. He’s noticed. I’m frozen to the spot, and I don’t know what I’m doing.
I have no idea what Luca wants from me. Or do I?
A long, hard cock is pressed against mine.
It’s not the first time I’ve felt him, but it is the first time he’s so wild and unhinged.
Just like he is in the pictures and videos I’ve seen all over social media. Do I want this? Can I handle this?
Panic rises inside me, my whole body tenses involuntarily, and Luca stops.
“Everything okay?”
I nod quickly, not wanting to make a bigger fool of myself even though nothing is okay right now. This is going too fast. I’ve never been intimate with anyone, never shown my body to anyone, never been touched.
Luca’s hands slide under my T-shirt, pulling it up.
No, please don’t. I’m ugly. Nobody wants to see me naked. Pierre said just that in tenth grade during swimming class. He knew what he was talking about. If Luca sees me naked, he’ll be gone. I can never keep up with him sexually, and I’ll never be what he expects from a man. I’m no Valentin…
No matter what I do, I can only lose. If I don’t give him what he wants, he’ll be gone just the same. He doesn’t need to wait for me, he can have anyone he wants. He… Fuck, he’s at my pants.
Everything about me goes stiff, except my dick. Fear does that to me—could I be anymore pathetic?
“Noah, hey. Look at me. ” Nope, no way. “Mon Papillon…”
I’ve never had a nickname, never had friends to give me one. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes, my lower lip twitches.
“Everything’s fine.” My voice trembles, but that could be for other reasons too. I think I’m faking this well enough.
Luca leans his chest against mine. His crotch presses against me as he covers my neck with kisses.
He wants sex, of course he wants sex. We’re twenty, who doesn’t want sex at twenty?
I can do this, I’ve got this, I’ll just let him have his way.
If I stay still, I won’t do anything wrong, and if he gets what he wants, maybe he’ll come back.
No repeats. I don’t want to be alone again, I…
“Noah?”
“Everything’s fine, really. Don’t stop.” Please, not so fast. Don’t touch me. I don’t want this.
Luca pushes himself forcefully away from the wall, his upper body pulling away from mine. I messed up. I did something wrong. What did I do?
“Look at me, Noah.” Definitely not. I try to turn my head away, but Luca is faster. He cups my face with both hands. “Shit, you’re crying. What’s wrong? What did I do wrong? I was too fast, wasn’t I?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to tell him. I’ll go at his pace if that’s the price I have to pay just to not be alone again. I don’t want to be alone again. I’ll do whatever he wants.
“I’m sorry, okay? Shit…” His thumbs lift my glasses and wipe the tears from under my eyes, then his lips touch mine. Not wild and unrestrained, this time he’s gentle, so tender, and my heartbeat slows, the panic subsides.
“I’m so sorry.” Over and over, he murmurs the words against my lips.
When he looks down and seeks my gaze, I manage to meet it.
Luca’s eyes are so beautiful, I want to jump into that icy-blue and never resurface again, want to hold him tight, want to bind myself to him, but I have no right to do that.
Luca can’t be tied down. “You’re driving me crazy.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. When we’re together, I forget everything around me.
I only see you, I want to touch you, I want to feel you. I’m so sorry I lost control.”
Is he serious? Does he mean what he’s saying? He slides back a little and his dark, curly head falls onto my shoulder. My hands twitch. I’d love to touch him, run my fingers through his curls, play with the two balls of the piercing on his left ear.
“When would you have stopped me? You would’ve stopped me, right?” He looks down at me expectantly, and fuck
“Just sex, no relationship, no repeats. That’s what you do. That’s how it works with you and… I can do that.”
“Fuck…” The word comes out quietly and with a delay, as if he’d needed a moment to properly process what I’d just said. What I would have allowed. Suddenly he jumps up, runs into the bathroom, and slams the door behind him. I hear him cursing, hear him punching the wall. Then it’s quiet.
After ten minutes, I wonder if he’s bolted out the window. Although, given that I live on the third floor and his shoes are still here, I assume he’s still in there. I walk to the bathroom door and knock gently.
“Luca? I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll be quiet now, okay?”
I can be quiet. No one’s ever wanted to hear me anyway.
The door swings open so fast that I flinch.
Two hands grab my upper arms, press me against the doorframe, and then reach for my cheeks so forcefully my whole body tenses up in shock.
I see his face, his eyes are red, his mouth is twisted in agony, and I understand what he’s doing.
He’s not holding me, he’s holding onto me. But why?
“I’m so sorry, Noah. I never meant to hurt you.
But everything is so intense when we’re together.
I want to look at you, I want to touch you, I want to talk to you, I want to laugh with you.
I want to lie with you in the dark, and I want to see your freckles dance in the sun.
I want to sleep with you, and I want to hold your hand.
I want you in so many ways that I don’t recognize myself.
I would never do anything you don’t want or that makes you uncomfortable.
But right now, when I don’t even know my own boundaries, you have to tell me yours. That is, if you want that, with us.”
I try to swallow the lump in my throat before I answer, but fail miserably. My voice is squeaky and shaky. “With us?”
Almost in despair, he shrugs his shoulders before they slump. “You’ve put a spell on me. All I can think about is you. I want to be with, you over and over again. I want repeats. With you.”
This is a joke, right? He can’t be serious.
“You… You want to be with me?” There are no words to describe how stupid I feel asking this question, but I have to do it.
“I think so. At least, that’s how it feels.”
My heart is pounding in my throat. I must have misunderstood something. Men like Luca Delfosse don’t fall for with guys like me.
“Why?” As if I’d flipped a switch with that question, a fire flares up in Luca’s eyes.
“The mere fact that you have to ask that makes me so angry.” With his left hand, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close.
With his right, he gently strokes my freckles and then runs his fingertips through a wild strand of my hair as he continues.
“You are the fire burning beneath my skin, the water cooling my senses when I lose myself, the wind that carries me to unimagined heights, and the earth beneath my feet grounding me when I threaten to fly too high. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, but I like the feeling, and if you let me, I’d love to keep it, to keep you. ”
I’ve never been anything to anyone before, but I want to believe him so badly, to belong to him, to have him look at me for the rest of my life the way he’s looking at me right now, as if I were the Kinder bar in his hot chocolate and not the gum stuck to the sole of his shoe.
“Yeah?” Oh my God, I wish I were cooler. Just a tiny bit, just enough to not make a complete fool of myself all the time.
“Is that a question, or your answer?”
Whatever you want? Both?
“Can I kiss you then? You, as… as my boyfriend?” I ask, daring to hope.
His eyes sparkle, he wrinkles his nose and laughs and his whole beautiful face is lighting up. “Absolutely. May I?”
My heart is beating so loud I can hear it in my ears, and so hard I’m afraid it’s jumping out of my chest as I nod.
And then I gasp loudly, because instead of just bringing his lips to mine, he reaches under my thighs and lifts me up.
As if by reflex, my legs wrap around his waist and my arms around his neck.
My back is still pressed against the cold wood of the doorframe when Luca’s lips find mine. The wildness from earlier is gone. He’s so gentle and tender, he’s holding back, for me.
“It’s late, we should go to sleep.” His words are more of a whisper than spoken aloud, and yet a cold shiver runs down my spine and my breathing becomes frantic. I want this, yet I feel the panic from earlier rising again. Sleep. Bed. Touching? Sex?
“Just sleep. And cuddling, if you let me. I promise. I want to hold you.” I want that too, so badly. I nod quickly and wonder at the same moment if I’m being too complicated.
Gently, Luca sets me down on my bed, then closes the blinds. With practiced movements, he fills the aroma lamp with water and oil and looks for an outlet. For a moment, he pauses and watches the little wisps of mist, takes a deep breath through his nose, and smiles.
“What do you wear to bed?”
The question catches me off guard, and I can’t help but stammering my answer. “Boxer briefs and a T-shirt.”
Slowly and carefully, he steps toward me and tugs at the hem of my hoodie. “Can I undress you?”
The lamp bathes the room in a dim, yellowish light, which gives me a sense of security, just like the fact that he’s asking, and I know what’s going to happen.
Luca doesn’t rip my clothes off; he takes his time.
First the sweater, then he unbuttons my jeans.
I lean back and lift my hips as he pulls them down.
My T-shirt slides up a little, exposing my happy trail.
Fire-red on white skin. I hate the sight of it and am so grateful that everything is yellow.
I quickly try to pull my T-shirt back into place, but Luca grabs my hand. “Nah, I’ll do that.”
He reaches for the fabric and pushes it up a little higher. My breath catches as he plants a small kiss on my stomach. Then he covers me up again. Everything inside me is warm.
“Your skin is so soft.” Light as a feather, his fingers glide over my cheek. It’s hard for me to accept his words, to accept that he likes what he sees and feels. That’s the way it is when you’ve spent your whole life being looked at only to be bullied.
“Can I please sleep away from the wall? Just in case… I’ve never… I don’t want to wake you up when I have to leave.” What has he never done? He stands in the middle of my room, nervously fiddling with his piercing.
With the grace of a baby piglet, I slide back to the wall. Fantastic. “Can you put my glasses on the nightstand, please?” At least I won’t have to watch my own drama anymore.
“Yeah, sure.”
And with those words, my world blurs into yellow.
No, I’m not blind. I’m not even considered visually impaired because I have normal vision with my glasses.
I just see really badly without them. These days, even with such high diopter values, the lenses aren’t as thick as bottle bottoms anymore.
When I was younger, it was different. Everyone laughed.
And yet, Luca never asked me to take them off or not wear them around him.
My glasses never bothered him. They’re part of me and…
I’m allowed to be who I am. Right? I turn toward the wall, and immediately Luca snuggles up to me from behind.
Warm, gentle, and a little bit as if I were his.
His thumb traces gentle circles on my chest. My heartbeat slows, my mind calms down, and a faint smile touches my lips.